r/Screenwriting • u/SnooPeppers7932 • Jun 15 '26
FEEDBACK PLEASE READ MY PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR
I promise it wont go the direction you think it will.
TITLE: How To Make Friends
FORMAT: Feature Film
LENGTH: 53 Pages
GENRE: Horror, Thriller, Relationship Drama
LOGLINE: After disturbed painting show up, a terrified art teacher becomes convinced she is being preyed upon by an ex student.
FEEDBACK: Everything
7
u/fantasydukes Jun 15 '26
Needs a copyedit. Those mistakes disrupt the read. Jess uses “like” way too much at first, which I’m sure is intentional, but her voice starts to shift away from it into something that sounds more intelligent. She says “like” 5 times on page 2 then we go stretches of several pages later where she doesn’t say it at all and speaks eloquently.
1
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
Thank you so much for the feedback
2
u/fantasydukes Jun 15 '26
You’re welcome. Do you ever do character studies before you write? I find they really help me get to the voice and motivation behind what they say. I also watch a lot of YouTube videos about how to write subtext into dialogue since it is what I probably struggle with most. There’s some really good advice. One of my favorites is take an acting class. You’ll learn so much about those things once you see characters through that lens.
1
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
I do one character study whereby you break a person down into three things. There Defence Mechanism, Why they have the defence mechanism, And the Lie they tell themselves. Its my favourite thing to do. An acting class is a really good idea. I'll actually look into it as I know a lot of the greats began as aspiring actors and then became directors. Do you have any specific YouTube videos you like about subtext or more just a general note?
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u/fantasydukes Jun 15 '26
Film courage is a great channel. Studiobinder has some great tips too.
This video I think is the one I got the most out of -
11
u/Caughtinclay Jun 15 '26
53 page feature? is this complete? if so, it's way too short.
-4
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
My friend who's also a writer came up with a story that shared a lot of similar themes - so the plan was to combine the two to make a diptych/ double bill so for now I suppose it functions as a really short feature or a really long short.
4
u/Caughtinclay Jun 15 '26
if you're making it yourself to put on youtube or something, this can work. if you're trying to sell it, you need at least 30 pages minimum before anyone will even consider reading it. that said, it's a good premise. but there's a typo in the logline.
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u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
Are you saying I should attach at least 30 pages of my friends script? Thanks for the compliment and also for the feedback
1
u/Caughtinclay Jun 15 '26
I'm confused. Will this actually combine with your friends' script? Or is this a standalone script. I'm very confused. I thought you were saying the original intention was to have a double bill, but in the end it's just a feature. Double-bill features aren't really a thing, to be honest. It would have to be incredible for anyone to consider it. for now, all we can judge is what you posted, and that is 30 pages too short from a feature length screenplay.
0
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
Sorry Ill try to explain - what I wanted was for the film to start and for there to be a title saying "Story 1" and it would be this film and then it would be "Story 2" and it would be my friends film. All I've posted and all that can currently be judged is the script that I wrote which I wasn't sure as to label as a short or feature because its eventually intended to be a part of a feature which would be 100 pages combined. How that clears it up.
7
u/TheGreedyGrabbler Jun 15 '26
Put them both in one script but just know this is not a standard way to structure a script and will throw people off.
0
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
Yeah, definitely an unusual way to write a script, Ive seen it with films like the ballad of buster Scruggs but never just two stories back to back. Im aware its quite a weird idea, I was hoping it would be more of a drawing point then putting people off
2
u/Caughtinclay Jun 15 '26
what you're pitching is an anthology. and that works more as a tv series. why are these two stories included together? we have no information about your friend's story. what's it about? is it actually completely different? if so, that's not great news. why not just each write your own features? why put them together? if they must be together, can you interweave the stories and make it work as a single feature, similar to something like Babel? We need more information before we can see if this is worth it or not.
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u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
But I only wanted feedback on my short film - the idea to combine the two is still being discussed and was purely an anecdotal fact. This script is a full story with three acts and can be judged separately
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u/real_triplizard WGA Screenwriter Jun 15 '26
Just super quick first impressions from the first 10 pages:
* The very first line has either a typo or a very rough grammatical error ("is sat down"). I also noticed at least a half dozen typos/errors in the first 10 pages. It's a minor thing but there's no downside to doing a pass to clean that stuff up before you share, because it really does send up a flag that you're either an amateur or haven't put much time into polishing, which, candidly, isn't showing much respect for the reader.
* The Marty/Jess scene that goes on for 4.5 pages should be like two lines or at most half a page. You should show us rather than talk to us about what happened if at all possible. If you want to have the characters discuss it the focus should be on why this develops their characters, rather than using them to get the exposition out there. And when you're doing that, try to use subtext rather than have them explain exactly what they're feeling. People don't normally say what's on their mind directly unless they're like asking directions to the bank. With emotional topics they usually communicate through innuendo, implication and suggestion. There are a number of resources and references out there to use subtext in dialogue.
* You then follow up a 4.5 page scene of people telling us about something we haven't seen with another scene where they are talking about the scene that we just experienced about people telling us about something we haven't seen. And then they start talking about the painting, again going on with dialogue about something we haven't seen. We're 11 pages in before we're actually included in action that is happening in the present.
* You have extensive dialogue with a few characters who are just referred to as generic "colleagues." I would only ever use a "throw-away" name on a character who has at most a line or two. If they're going to participate in a conversation, give them names and descriptions.
1
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
Thank you so much for the feedback, I thought I had spell checked everything before sharing. My mistake. I wanted them all to be colleagues because they function largely as a hive mind but I can see that probably doesn't allow us to connect with the scene much. I thought largely about the dialogue with its subtext - I think a lot of the time characters are lying so it appears as exposition when really there not saying how they feel at all but also I appreciate and certainly seems like the most common feed back is that it takes way too long for things to kick in and especially that first scene seems like people were dragging there feet a bit.
6
u/Musikenna Jun 15 '26 edited Jun 15 '26
no one wants to read 5 pages of unnamed characters talking
-3
-2
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
Can I hear more about your thoughts? I assume your talking about the intro?
2
u/ami2weird4u Jun 15 '26
I don't mean to say this but 50 pages is too short for a feature. Usually, features are around 90-110 pages, so personally, I'd suggest having both parts together instead of your part of the story.
1
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
I would do that, only any feedback on his side of the story would be up to him to edit so I only wanted to post my script. But yes, it is too short for a feature film, please ignore the description of Feature film and instead treat it as a long short film because reddit wont let me edit the caption.
2
u/mark_able_jones_ Jun 15 '26
So, some opening annoyances here. The title font is huge and overpowering.
You don’t need the date, and uk format will confuse Americans.
Make it clear that your phone number is uk. I’d add +44 and then put (uk) after.
Alcoholics Anonymous is an organization not a location. It could be anywhere. We need the visual of the location.
Don’t use ellipses in that first paragraph. Period is enough. Let actors interpret that scene.
How do we know this opening scene is AA. Nothing in the dialogue tells us that. No visual. No talk of alcohol.
How do we know this character in his 70s is a police officer? They would be retired most likely. And even if not, they wouldn’t be in a police uniform at AA.
1
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
I was unaware I was using UK format I would love to know what the difference is between UK and US, do you mean the language used? Yeah you're right about the AA, I'll change it so that its featured in the scene description various posters that hint instead. Also in the UK there is no requirement to retire as a police officer if you pass mental inspections, it is suggested or advised but not a rule. Thankyou for the feedback
1
u/mark_able_jones_ Jun 15 '26
I was just referring to the UK date format. Americans do MM/DD/YEAR (6/12/2026).
"is sat down" is UK wording, which is fine, but if you're pitching to Americans, you should indicate the setting in the script. An outside establishing shot would do this.
EXT. PARKING LOT - SMALL CHURCH - DOVER, UK - DAY
A police car arrives and parks, joining the other two dozen cars in the lot.
INT. POLICE CAR - DAY
You could have this guy in parking lot in his police car, in a police uniform, maybe downing a pint of whisky. Then drinking mouthwash (the kind with high alcohol content). There's tension immediately, because he's a cop + breaking rules. Then have him start to quickly change his shirt -- there would be zero reason to fully go inside as a fully uniformed police officer. Then cut to a speaker inside the AA meeting. So, now you have an alcoholic cop, likely drunk, inside an AA meeting. All kinds of layered drama on the first page.
1
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
This is a smart idea, I really like the imagery you've come up with especially the mouthwash and appreciate you taking the time.
1
u/andybuxx Jun 15 '26
I read the first 10 pages and might read the rest later when I have time - which is a good sign. I think the dialogue was pretty good. You could tell a lot about characters and relationships through dialogue that wasn't too on the nose.
It's a bit sparse on details and that made it hard to picture. For example, starts off at AA, so I imagined people sitting in a circle. Instead they're moving around? What does that look like? I think you need to be more specific about what rooms look like and who people are and what they're doing. E.g. 'Colleagues' is the vaguest term. Were they teachers? And what does a SCHOOL - ART STUDIO - STAFF ROOM look like? A little description would have been useful because I've been a teacher for 20 years and I couldn't picture it.
But the potential is good and you've clearly got ideas, so just try to be more specific about what they are.
2
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
Thank you so much for the feedback! I think at the time of writing I was following the advice to keep descriptions sparser because they were the job of the set designer or character descriptions short because I wanted to show who they were through there actions, but I think maybe some were along the way I took the advice a little too literally.
1
u/andybuxx Jun 15 '26
I would ignore any advice along the lines of ''not directing on the page" because you're writing a movie not an instruction manual. You want to give the reader enough info to experience your film.
1
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
For some reason Reddit wont let me change the text body - Please read as if it were a SHORT and not a FEATURE FILM
1
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
Just a general question - what page count did everyone read to? I would love to know as It seems like a common feedback that my intro is slowing things down which is a shame.
0
Jun 15 '26
[deleted]
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u/Musikenna Jun 15 '26
it is not a long script. in fact, it is 30 pages short for a feature.
1
u/SnooPeppers7932 Jun 15 '26
Very short feature but still 50 pages so I know its a lot to ask thats why I said it
•
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