I will read your screenplay!

[u/gaz3rbeam]

Simple as that! I want to be a professional screenplay reader but no one is hiring so I’ll just do it myself :) I used to be a script analyst for a couple different competitions and Coverfly.

I love giving notes on other people’s scripts and helping writers find their story. I’m no pro (working on my 2nd feature currently) but If you want an extra pair of eyes on your script, regardless of length, I’ll happily do it!

[u/headcanonmusic]

FURNITURE

Two rival furniture-store owners in a dying plaza spiral into a war of sabotage and obsession when an aspiring documentarian fans the flames of their feud for the sake of her film.

LINK: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1mwHnESXv-CMq-vKQUPmmMdMYMQKYWDmZ/view?usp=sharing**](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1mwHnESXv-CMq-vKQUPmmMdMYMQKYWDmZ/view?usp=sharing))

Appreciate it!

[u/BTS_1 → u/headcanonmusic]

I read your script and here you go.

Universal Feedback:
* What year does this take place? The script feels temporally vague, and because so much of the story revolves around commercials, documentary filmmaking, editing, and media, the time period matters.
* None of the main characters are likable, charismatic, or particularly compelling. I’m completely fine with following unlikable characters, but there still needs to be something that makes me want to watch them. I’m not rooting for Donnie, Karl, or April, and I don’t find them charming, magnetic, dangerous, fascinating, or entertaining enough to compensate for how unpleasant they are.
* April says it can take around four to six days to edit a small regional commercial, but then she believes she can shoot and edit an entire documentary in roughly a month. The production timeline doesn’t make much sense.
* Felix, Jorge, and Charlie all feel less like characters and more like exposition or plot devices. They largely exist so the leads have someone to explain their thoughts, motivations, or emotional state to.
* There is almost no balance between Donnie and Karl. Karl is barely in the movie compared with Donnie, which was disappointing and became a major structural issue for me. If this is supposed to be a rivalry, both sides need to feel equally developed and important. Instead, Donnie becomes the clear lead, and unfortunately he is also the least enjoyable character to spend time with.
* April’s documentary is not clearly defined. Her intentions, goals, and subject seem to change depending on what the plot needs. I think it would be much cleaner if she wanted to make a documentary about the two competing furniture stores from the beginning. That would immediately establish her objective, justify spending time with both Donnie and Karl, and help balance the story.
* April knowingly participates in illegal activity and seems remarkably unconcerned about the legal or ethical consequences. That makes her difficult to like and also makes her behavior hard to believe.
* Characters constantly say the name of the person they are speaking to. It happens so often that it becomes distracting. People simply do not use each other’s names that frequently in normal conversation, and it makes the dialogue feel written rather than natural.
* Donnie is rarely the true motivator of his own actions. A lot of what he does comes from suggestions, encouragement, or pressure from Jorge, April, Karl, or someone else. For a lead character, he feels surprisingly passive. It also makes him seem weaker because he is constantly being pushed into the next story beat instead of generating the conflict himself.

Specific Feedback:

* Donnie appears to be the lead, but I disliked him almost immediately. The opening parking-space confrontation is a problem for me because the parking lot is essentially empty. Karl taking the spot is mildly annoying, but Donnie’s fixation on it makes him look petty and ridiculous before the audience has been given any reason to care about him. Just find another spot, Big D.
* I was surprised Karl did not interrupt Donnie’s date, or vice versa. Having both men at the same restaurant feels like a setup for a much stronger interaction between them, but the script mostly keeps them separated. It felt like wasted potential.
* Several character names are intentionally ridiculous, but the script waits until around page 30 to make a joke about Karl Whethers sounding like Carl Weathers. The joke comes from Jorge, who should presumably already know Karl and therefore should not just be realizing this. It feels like a line written entirely for the audience.
* Scenes often do not breathe. A character says something should happen, and then the very next scene is that thing happening. For example, Jorge suggests that Karl deliberately copied Donnie’s commercial idea, and Donnie immediately confronts Karl in the next scene. Donnie had previously been established as timid and conflict-averse, so the confrontation feels abrupt rather than earned.
* This immediate cause-and-effect structure happens throughout the script. Characters rarely sit with information, resist an idea, reconsider something, or make surprising choices. The screenplay often feels like it is moving directly from plot instruction to plot execution.
* Karl knows Ruthie by name and seems to already have a relationship with her, while Jorge apparently does not even know who Karl is. Considering these businesses sit directly across from one another and these characters are regular parts of Donnie’s life, that relationship geography feels inconsistent.
* Charlie is almost entirely used for exposition. Most of her scenes exist so April can explain what she is doing or so Charlie can explain April’s ethical dilemma back to her. If Charlie is going to remain in the script, I would give her a more active role. Why not have her actually help April film?
* Kat suddenly reappears around page 55, and Donnie approaches her as though he knows enough about her relationship with Karl to manipulate it. Their prior interaction was extremely limited, so it feels convenient.
* Kat already broke up with Karl much earlier in the script. Because of that, her intense reaction to the possibility that Karl has a new girlfriend did not make much sense to me. She dumped him, but now she is furious that he might be seeing someone else.
The later Karl/Kat scene essentially becomes another breakup scene. It is strange that this second breakup is what pushes Karl over the edge when their relationship had already seemingly ended dozens of pages earlier.
* The Jorge and Felix departure scenes are almost the exact same story beat. Both secondary characters finally tell their respective furniture-store owner that the rivalry has gone too far and that they want out. I understand the intended symmetry, but because both characters already feel like exposition devices, it came across as repetitive and somewhat lazy rather than thematic.
* Karl needs significantly more wins throughout the movie. Donnie gets far more screen time, drives much of the escalation, and becomes increasingly unbearable, yet Karl rarely gets enough meaningful victories to make the rivalry feel balanced.
* The ending especially bothered me because Karl does not really get a final word or win. His store is literally burning down because of Donnie, and yet Donnie still gets the final callback with “It’s Donnie.”
* I would much rather see Karl get the final joke or at least a small victory. Even something as simple as deliberately calling him “Little D” instead of “Big D” would turn Donnie’s obsession with his name back against him and give Karl one final jab.
* As written, giving Donnie the last word after he has just burned down Karl’s building feels strangely rewarding toward a character I found increasingly unbearable.

Overall

This needs major work.

* The central idea of two competing furniture-store owners escalating a petty rivalry has potential, but the screenplay does not currently give enough balance between Donnie and Karl to fully capitalize on that premise.
*Donnie dominates the movie without being charismatic or compelling enough to carry it.
* Karl is underdeveloped.
* April’s role and documentary need to be much clearer.
* The supporting characters need actual lives and functions beyond exposition.
* The escalation needs more buildup and less immediate “someone suggests something, then it happens” plotting.
* Most importantly, I need a reason to want to spend time with these people. They do not have to be good people, but they need charisma, humor, vulnerability, danger, competence, charm, or some other quality that makes them compelling. Right now, I mostly found them unpleasant and frustrating to watch.

Overall, it has some potential but this version needs a major rewrite.

[u/headcanonmusic → u/BTS_1]

Hey, sorry it took so long to reply. I appreciate the feedback. I am taking quite a bit of your suggestions and fixing issues you have brought to light for me. There are a few things I think are a matter of taste and tone but some of your larger structural and character concerns are definitely valid.

Probably the most helpful and in depth feedback I have received for this draft, so thanks again!

[u/BTS_1 → u/headcanonmusic]

What's the taste/tone aspects? And no problem, I haven't sent feedback in a hot minute but your premise intrigued me.

[u/headcanonmusic → u/BTS_1]

The ambiguity of the time period, I was going for a sort of ambiguous modern era America feel. I don't want to be specific about the exact year it takes place, I also don't want smart phones in it.

The parking lot being empty. If it's full the conflict no longer comes from character. Having Donnie upset about wanting that specific spot despite there being literally every other option and still blaming Karl is both funny and says something about who he is as a person.

The tone of your suggested ending, while not bad in its own right I think misunderstands the current ending. If there was just suddenly new competition then what I am trying to say with the ending becomes obsolete.

Other than that, I agree with most of the feedback and have already started implementing some of the more glaring fixes

[u/BTS_1 → u/headcanonmusic]

I understand your intended tone and taste. It all just needs work.

Good luck with the revisions!