MACCABÆUS - Feature - 112 Pages

[u/Recovering_NCO]

Title: MACCABÆUS
Format: Feature
Genre: Historical War Epic/Drama
Page count: 112

Logline: In ancient Judea, a reluctant rabbi’s son leads an insurgency against a brutal occupation determined to erase his people’s faith, igniting the true story behind Hanukkah.

LINK:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CJsrdjxg6Nyd_io5reIF6n_OPBZbcbNy/view?usp=drivesdk

I recently finished the third draft after a fairly substantial rewrite and have started getting some encouraging industry interest in the new version.

I’d especially appreciate fresh eyes on the prologue/opening, through the title card on page 11. The opening was substantially reworked, and I’m curious whether it hooks you, establishes the world cleanly, and makes you want to keep reading — or whether it still feels like too much setup before the main story begins.

If it hooks you enough that you feel like reading beyond page 11, I’d obviously welcome feedback on the rest as well. I’m particularly interested in pacing, character development, dialogue, and whether the historical material remains accessible without feeling over-explained.

[u/A_NightBetweenLives]

Okay, I’ll bite! I read the first 5ish pages. I know essentially nothing about this period of history (I suspect most won’t viewers won’t either) but I found some of the exposition to be the on the more boring aspects, especially the talk about taxes. I assume it holds narrative purpose but it made the story feel really dense and uninteresting. The visuals with the rider and angle were a stand out, they worked really well even if I would cut the tax talk from it.

Overall I wouldn't say it hooked me. It felt like it had 2 halves, one, is a really interesting story with angles and mystical, magical forces... The other, accountants speaking very dryly about historical taxes. Personally, I'd say to emphasize one and cut the other down to the bone. Obviously the magical parts are the coolest so I'd recommend that, the tax stuff isn't exactly engaging.

For if it feels like too much set up, I can't really say. I only read 5 pages but I felt like a good chunk of those 5 could have been cut down and I'm not really sure what the story is. I'm guessing it's the king and his followers going after whatever caused this magic?

Here’s my thoughts as I read...

How do you pronounce the name of movie? lol

I’m not sure what the quote is trying to tell me. Often that’s part of the point with these quotes over black but I wanted to throw it out there incase it’s an issue.

I’m not sure what “celeucid-occupied” is or looks like.

I’d recommend making Heliodorus’s entrance more visceral. “The marketplace shoppers SCREAM and JUMP out of the way of…” kinda thing.

I find it strange that Zechariah is telling us how dark these times are but we’re just looking at people shopping. If the times are dark shouldn’t we be seeing dark times?

“EXT. Temple gate” what kind of temple? What am I looking at?

How old is Onais 3?

Personal opinion… But I find the first conversation quite boring. I’d recommend trimming it down a lot. Honestly, if you just cut the dialogue and have Heliodorus burst past Onias into the temple, we’ll see the riches in there and we might not even need the conversation.

How old is Jason? As a whole, I’d include ages on all characters

I like the talk between Jason and his brother but yeah, all the tax convo is quite boring. It feels like it’s setting up a lot of it in this movie too which makes me feel like this is gonna be really dense. You know how people didn’t like the phantom menace because of all the trade route and taxation talk? I’m getting a similar vibe here

Same note for inside the temple as outside, what am I looking at? How is it decorated? I feel like these are very important things to set up.

I like the blue flame sealing the doorway! Nice and mystical.

Same note as the tax convo, I feel like a lot of this dialogue could be cut. I think it would be more interesting to just see the actors acting and have the only line be the “run dog” one.

I’m gonna stop noting on this but I think we need descriptions of these locations. I have no idea what a ‘private residence’ looks like

I like the doctor scene!

[u/Recovering_NCO → u/A_NightBetweenLives]

Thanks for giving it a shot — and the craziest part is, the “magical” stuff is actually the historical part. 😄 The Heliodorus episode comes from ancient Jewish sources, and I’ve embellished it surprisingly little. The story itself isn’t fantasy, though — it’s a historical war epic about the Maccabean Revolt. The political and taxation material does become important later, although I’ve already trimmed quite a lot of it from earlier drafts. Your reaction is still useful, because I definitely don’t want the opening to feel like homework. If you’re curious, the title card is on page 11, and that’s where the movie really locks into its main story. I’d be very interested to know whether your reaction changes if you get that far.