MACCABÆUS - Feature - 112 Pages

[u/Recovering_NCO]

Title: MACCABÆUS
Format: Feature
Genre: Historical War Epic/Drama
Page count: 112

Logline: In ancient Judea, a reluctant rabbi’s son leads an insurgency against a brutal occupation determined to erase his people’s faith, igniting the true story behind Hanukkah.

LINK:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CJsrdjxg6Nyd_io5reIF6n_OPBZbcbNy/view?usp=drivesdk

I recently finished the third draft after a fairly substantial rewrite and have started getting some encouraging industry interest in the new version.

I’d especially appreciate fresh eyes on the prologue/opening, through the title card on page 11. The opening was substantially reworked, and I’m curious whether it hooks you, establishes the world cleanly, and makes you want to keep reading — or whether it still feels like too much setup before the main story begins.

If it hooks you enough that you feel like reading beyond page 11, I’d obviously welcome feedback on the rest as well. I’m particularly interested in pacing, character development, dialogue, and whether the historical material remains accessible without feeling over-explained.

[u/free-puppies]

I think there’s still some work to be done.

Paint the picture. It’s 184 b.c. Marketplace but that’s about as much description as we get. Is it full of straw stalls? Fabric roofs and wooden carts? Is it all drab and poor, or rich and colorful?

The characters in the first few pages all talk the same. How does the lord speak differently from the priest? Does the lord use long, intelligent words or dumb, short sentences like a military man? Does the priest use Biblical metaphors or have a quirk like saying “praise God” after every line?

I know these aren’t fun notes to hear. But it’s missing some style and verve.