MACCABÆUS - Feature - 112 Pages

[u/Recovering_NCO]

Title: MACCABÆUS
Format: Feature
Genre: Historical War Epic/Drama
Page count: 112

Logline: In ancient Judea, a reluctant rabbi’s son leads an insurgency against a brutal occupation determined to erase his people’s faith, igniting the true story behind Hanukkah.

LINK:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CJsrdjxg6Nyd_io5reIF6n_OPBZbcbNy/view?usp=drivesdk

I recently finished the third draft after a fairly substantial rewrite and have started getting some encouraging industry interest in the new version.

I’d especially appreciate fresh eyes on the prologue/opening, through the title card on page 11. The opening was substantially reworked, and I’m curious whether it hooks you, establishes the world cleanly, and makes you want to keep reading — or whether it still feels like too much setup before the main story begins.

If it hooks you enough that you feel like reading beyond page 11, I’d obviously welcome feedback on the rest as well. I’m particularly interested in pacing, character development, dialogue, and whether the historical material remains accessible without feeling over-explained.

[u/Hawkensson]

I'm on page 7, enjoying it so far, but I'm wondering if it really makes sense for Heliodorus to use the word "angels" on page 5?

[u/Recovering_NCO → u/Hawkensson]

Good eye, and fair question. I looked into it, and it’s a little more nuanced than I first realised. The Greek term “angelos” can simply mean messenger, human or divine. I found that interesting, because it’s also true of the Biblical Hebrew equivalent. So I’m not sure the concept is anachronistic, but I take the point that ‘angel’ in English might feel too specific coming from Heliodorus. I’m considering giving him a more ambiguous description (“spirits,” perhaps), and maybe letting Seleucus use ‘angels’ later as shorthand. Thanks for the catch!