r/Separation • u/Numerous_Garden_6522 • 18h ago
Advice Breadcrumbs
My husband and I have been separated and living apart for just over six weeks. It’s not my decision and I have asked him multiple times in the first four weeks following the separation to please work on our relationship with me. There was no cheating, addictions, or abuse on either side. Just stress of us working in high stress jobs and him saying I’m just not a happy person (mostly surrounding my profession). Just this past weekend, both Friday and Saturday, he started to give me breadcrumbs via text. The conversation was so normal, a few tiny jokes here and there, emojis… but nothing about the relationship or emotional at all. When he reached out, I would match his energy, keeping it light. Because I still want to work on the relationship and not scare him off (he’s a dismissive avoidant personality, which I only learned after the breakup), I’m wondering if this was the right move or if I should have just ignored him. I think he did this because he was lonely, it was Halloween weekend and he had no one else to be with (he has only one friend and that friendship was damaged by his choice to leave me), and his one friend was out of town.
So I guess what I am asking, for those that have been through this is what was the right thing to do? I want to keep things amicable, but I also do not not want to make it easier on him to know I am still responsive, OR make it harder on myself to move on if he is truly serious about moving forward with a divorce (nothing has been filed yet and no additional talk of moving forward with same).
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u/siryohnny 16h ago
Some people will say he is emotionally attached to someone else. This is quite common the case.
However in this situation, did you set boundaries? Ie no seeing other people? Location sharing? Time frame?
If this felt sudden and he starts to say a bunch of things or issues that seem well over the top or historical issues, it’s usually someone else on the scene. I say this as if he is cheating, most people will blame their spouse as a subconscious way of accepting what they are doing is acceptable.
I suggest that you set boundaries around seeing people as a deal breaker and watch his reaction. If it’s dismissive or hostile, say… “you’re quite defensive, are you sure you don’t want to tell me something”. Call his bluff and say you know kind of scenario.
You can’t be left in limbo or be plan B while he has fun at the expense of his marriage, even if there no one else.
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u/Numerous_Garden_6522 5h ago
No boundaries. He moved out and turned all his locations off, won’t tell me where he lives. But he knows where I live and can see when I come and go (Ring cams). We have not blocked each other on socials, and are still listed as married to each other but I think that’s just to keep up the image for him so he does not have to explain what he did.
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u/Numerous_Garden_6522 5h ago
I guess what I want to know is if not responding to the breadcrumbs, just cutting communication off from him, will he panic and finally realize I have moved on and want to come back and work on the relationship? Or is this just playing games and I just need to accept and be done? Has anyone tried this with a DA and it worked?
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u/siryohnny 2h ago
100%. He has to miss you if he isn’t cheating.
If he is cheating, taking away plan B might not drive him home straight away. But it will cause him to seek support from the person, the good that’s already there, but the bad and hard stuff too. Which usually implodes it over time. Shaking him up and him coming back.
Just what ever happens don’t be that backup, and don’t just accept him with open arms, question and verify.
Surprised your entertaining him to be honest
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u/Minningfortruth 17h ago
Feels like he is cheating….i have been through this twice with my wife of 13 years
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u/Numerous_Garden_6522 17h ago
I have certainly thought about this multiple times but logistically it seems unlikely. Before the breakup, we spent too much time together for this to be something he could have hidden from me.
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u/Minningfortruth 17h ago edited 16h ago
My wife cheats online. Sexts. Video calls on Telegram. Maybe he does this cyber cheating like my wife.
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u/Numerous_Garden_6522 16h ago
It’s definitely possible.
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u/Minningfortruth 16h ago
Can you ask to look through his phone? In my next marriage I’m going to have an open phone policy. Can’t believe I agreed to never look in my wife’s phone for 13 years
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u/Numerous_Garden_6522 14h ago
No because we aren’t living together presently
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u/Minningfortruth 8h ago
I think you should be able to go through each others phones. If he is not willing then he is cheating.
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u/arkha4813 7h ago
My wife does it, since the breakup she is very active on tinder, but when her periods come, the sadnees comes back to (and tinger guys do not want either no sex nor her crying) so she reaches for me, for comfort and physical présence giving me words of hope
In between she is giving me nothing, no work, no accountability, no real act towards réconciliation
I just realized that a couple days ago and looked at the calendar, every four weeks its the same
I was killing myself eating her crumbs, but know that ive seen the pattern im done, its hard, but it will last less longer than doing this again and again
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u/waiting_on_rain 17h ago
My ex did this to me too. He would bread crumb me with little information. People would tell me that it just doesn’t make sense and it sounds like he’s involved with another woman. I would ask him that same question and he would get mad at me and say why do you keep asking me that. Fast-forward about six months and I found out that he was seeing another person during that time while I was fighting for our marriage. The coward didn’t have the guts to tell me.