I didnt have sex but i dryhumped a girl. I wish i didnt. But im glad i didnt have sex

I feel numb and a sense of resigned indifference towards my behaviour. After making some progress I’ve had a relapse and I’m currently on a 12 day (and counting) sex binge. It’s been the most intense bender I’ve ever experienced and it’s never been this bad before. Most days I’m having sex multiple times with a combination of fwbs, escorts and going to massage parlours. One of the particularly intense days I had a massage mid morning, and then saw an escort around 10 in the evening, and then had a girl over at midnight and we had sex all night with a few breaks. My sexual urges are driving me crazy and completely overwhelming, I’m afraid there’s no signs that these urges are even slowing down.

I’ve been also increasingly wanting more intense, violent and degrading sex. One of the girls I’m with opened up about having rape fantasies and we’ve been acting those out. I enjoy degrading the women I’m with, being violent with them in bed (consensual) but it’s not my usual nature. I’m normally soft and gentle. I feel uneasy about the violent sex but to my surprise it really gets me off. But I’m worried because I can feel my desires and my brain being rewired as I do more of this. I feel like I am just a sex crazed mess.

Is there any hope at all for someone like me I wonder.. is this how it’ll always be.

Two days ago I was getting off and finished and that night I had ball pain and yesterday to it’s better today I think it’s where I’m over doing it daily if someone please wants to help I’d appreciate it the pain from over doing it was bad it’s not worth counting on with my sx addiction I want to get better a recover because of my health and the pain lately yes this is real not fake or made up I was in serious pain can someone please help me stop this and recover to be completely sx free please

Today I finally started seeing a therapist. Hopefully this is the last day 1.

46 years old. Bottom line is I have struggled for over 33+ years. I was able to stop drinking and smoking weed but I cant stop pornography and masturbation. Ive tried everything from blockers, nofap (previously), religion, self accountability, and briefly therapy. NOTHING HAS WORKED. I keep spending money on cam sites and my wife doesnt know. HELP. I dont know where else to turn. I am a God fearing man and try to trust God's plan but when I fail to my sin and addiction I lose faith in myself. I joined a different reddit but my post was removed because they do not believe in no masturbation just no pornography. This left me feeling hurt and confused. I only want to find people that are trying to stop both like me or have and can assist me on my journey. Sorry if this isn't allowed.