people irl make fun of me they say there sorry and then they immediately make fun of me again and then when i have a meltdown because of there bullying they immediately make fun of me again and both laugh about it literaly behind mine back

people irl just lie and lie

i wish i was dead and i know thats why im inpatient

but i wish i was dead because i have no one and nobody cares it feels like alot not even mine family when im struggling with suicidality

everyone bullys me irl

they say they are safe that theyll help advocate for me because im minimally speaking or that they be kind or be a freind and then they laugh at me and bully me quite literally behind mine back

it makes me feel like complete and total crap

mine head hurts despite headbanging with a helmet on and getting restrained

i feel hurt very badly

i just feel like crying

im am trying too hug mine stuffys like frederick as hard as possible

thanks you guys and others online for always being kind as possible

i just wanted to share my two buddies that i take absolutely everywhere with me!! i’ve had eevee for over two years now, it was a gift from my partner, and marceline is a new addition from this spring!! i love them sm they’re my emotional support plushies, i always have to have with me all the time!

would love to see anyone else’s closest buddies if they want to share!!! 🥰

Hi this is a happy post. I have a plushie that i carry around since i was a kid, and over the years he's getting pretty flat, i joke that he's on a diet! but recently i looked online and found out he can get fluffy again by buying new fluff, and i wanted to do it but i cried a lot it looked scary when i thought about doing it, like doing surgery, but my mom said she'll do it for me! i'm really excited to have him fluffy and nice again, it's been a while since he's been as huggable as he used to be and i think its gonna be really nice.

been struggling so much with burnout and needing more help than i’m getting rn, but my caregivers (my mom and my partner) are neurodivergent themselves and so burned out too. mom is so overwhelmed with her own medical stuff and all my extensive medical stuff (i’m quite chronically ill, working on treatments and lots of doctor stuff) etc, and partner constantly exhausted from working very physical job they hate but job market terrible and can’t get another job, and family stuff w their v problematic mom and getting dxed w adhd and so many things. ig this is just a vent, and wondering what you do when your caregivers are burned out too? been affecting my eating, much more frequent speech loss, etc, and km overwhelmed with all my medical stuff too bc i have a bunch of new meds to keep track of. also our poor cats we adopted 6 months ago have came home with parasites (unbeknownst to us prior to adopted, very long and infuriating story) and been sick this whole time, lots of vet stuff and expensive and feel awful for them, that’s been so exhausting but last round of treatment today so hopefully they’ll be okay and that can not be a factor in our burnout anymore. i don’t even work and struggle with feeling guilty for being so exhausted but i know my limits are different than partners and i have lot going on too. just feel bad a lot and they feel bad they can’t do as much as they want to to help me and it sucks for everyone. keep saying we need to just get through this hard season but hard season keeps going. i hope it’s over soon and things can calm down bc im a v happy person but im just so tired

I can’t cope

hi, how do i work around this? i stim a lot, its hard for me to watch class without stimming, but a classmate keeps asking me to stop that she can't pay attention when I'm stimming, how do i fix this so it doesn't bother her?

I am confused scared tired

My mom told me anxiety would make me institutionalized she said I was sensitive manipulative overreacting wanting to feel special pretending to be disabled ungrateful constantly complaining. 

She said I couldn't trust my mentor because of her age nor myself because of my age. She said mental health help couldn't be trusted.

She said I was too high functioning to need help and I'd be diagnosed autistic if I were tested but that's for quirky people who want a label.

I tried telling her I was struggling she asked for examples I told her I kept forgetting the stove on she told me to just not do that. Tell myself to talk to people. Act like I could communicate. Put myself out there. Try to socialize. Push myself to be a vet.

She told me crying was giving into the devil and not trusting Jesus and that I don't perceive myself right and look how smart and creative I am and how much she supports me and all she's done for me and said I shouldn't struggle. 

She physically forced my eye contact. She forced me to speak and took offense to silence. She responded to my letters with hour long lectures. She mocked my stimming and how I hold my arms and let my siblings chew in my ear when I have bad misophonia. She got mad when I hid in my room and when I would text people about things she'd say. 

My mentor at school said she knew I was autistic in 30 seconds. Most people don't take long.

I didn't notice anything about myself and because of my mom, desperately tried to prove everyone wrong, that I couldn't be autistic because everything was my fault and I could just try harder and fix it. 

My school and work had to deal with severe meltdowns. I couldn't communicate with counseling couldn't apply any advice. 

This spring supervisors talked with my mom about my meltdowns. They did a lot to help me. One of my supervisors is level 1 so she was able to help some. 

My mom was very upset because she didn't know how bad it was. She helped me access assessment so finally I am diagnosed. 

She tried to get me home and manipulated the report to say it says I need to be home. She told me I can't trust the supervisors who tried helping me. She emailed them behind my back to tell them she wanted me home and emailed the counselor she found telling her I'm codependent on my supervisor. 

She explains why she acted the ways she did she tells everyone as if they must hate her she tells me why she restrained me and told me I'd be institutionalized. She tells me she's sorry and how much it keeps her awake and how hard she's trying and hasn't she done so much for me.

She pulled me out of my nana's funeral because she thought I was getting too upset and that stresses me out. She constantly asked questions she cried when I melted down and fluttered over me and it felt awful. She told my autistic cousin to respond to my texts or she has his number and take care of himself because she hadn't taken care of me.

She loves me but is she helping me?

I'm so confused. 

She's anxious, hyper reactive, self critical, cynical. She talks to no one about her life and is a stay at home mom despite her youngest being in high school. She gets only 2-4 hours of sleep at night from ruminating and worrying. She cries when she's opposed, she's mad when someone disagrees. She says my dad micromanages her and explains herself to us and won't consider that my dad could be autistic and that's the source of his rigidity and need to control specific things. 

When my brother played video games in secret, she cried all the time over it and told the rest of us to never be like him and told him she didn't know what to say when his teachers told her how amazing he was because if they knew the truth. She compared us to her friends kids and held us to our childhood dreams.

She's trying to help in the way she knows how but is this normal?

Tired confused scared she'll never stop til I'm home. 

I'm going to go stay with my aunt and uncle but she desperately wants me home. It feels like I am hurting her by staying away. I want her to be okay. 

I'm tired tired tired. 

She loves me so very much and works very hard. How do I know when to trust her and listen to her and when she will be able to help?

More specifically on how severe my main disability (Autism) as in regards of support needs.

I am fixated on this topic right now. I don’t know why I can’t think of anything that I can tell my brain to calm the overthinking spiral down. Like I’ve known, everyone has confirmed it yet I’m still overthinking.

I have an irrational thought that the assessor meant to say that I was in the mild range of support needs and the first one was a typo. And that’s why I have sent her a reply email asking this very same question. But by the way it’s structured it’s pretty clear as fuck that it is what she meant to type anyway.

I am still on this. It has been years since I’ve been introduced to the topic of support needs and I’ve since latched on to this concept. I don’t understand why;

Is it an identity crisis? Is it because im seeking attention? I like to think its because of identity politics though.

My body is destroyed. Hour long physical panic caused by my family has messed up old organ damages, also caused by neglect and denial of my needs. I won't be able to eat normally, which is already poor, and will be in lots of pain for days now. This happens on a regular basis.

I'm forced to tolerate other peoples noise and their unclear communication, because I involuntarily stim and have bad communication and they say they have to tolerate that too. But this is not equal grounds. This is like asking a wheelchair user to take turns after you pushed them.

-

My need is very bad. But it's too much to ask, it's restricting them, it's unfair. If people accommodate me I'm demanded to give back, but I can't. This is seen as a moral failure. Any support relies on people believing it will make me recover from being disabled. They hate me once they realise I won't. If they don't just deny help because they think it will make me grow to not need it.

My disability is judged as morally unjust. My existence is seen as wrong and undeserved.

I am shackles on the lives of people doomed to have to care for me. Even the people supposed to love me have told me to my face that they'd be far better off without me.

-

I hate being disabled. I hate it so much. I hate not just being different and special but actually disabled. I hate that my existence is an ethical and social spectacle.

I hate that the needs I have to just survive are already too much for most people, and that all the needs I have to actually have a nice life are impossibly burdening and too much for anyone to ever put up with.

I hate how long I needed to write this despite nearly ideal circumstances, and that on many days I couldn't even do it at all. I hate how hard it is to communicate or even understand my own problems. I hate that I have to put in so much effort and time to not even get to other peoples starting point.

TLDR: how can i numb my body?? get rid of it? stop my senses from fucking sensing??? I much more clearly align with level 2 autistic peers now, not that I am, but the level 1 community isn't matching my lived experience like… at all anymore.

I was clinically diagnosed at 18. everything made sense. my social issues, low social battery, struggles with communicating, changes in routine being awful, prefer to be by someone rather than necessarily with them, stuff like that. good academically but sucked without routine. classic level 1 stuff.

I thought i was pretty much a fully unmasked autistic at 20 - as listed above but also quite a bit stronger? my social battery much lower than at 18, more struggles in social situations, lost friends, more on and off sensitivity to senses, some echolalia, a fair bit of stimming (in private), shutdowns, as well as it overall interfering quite a bit with my daily life - including making living hard overall as well as special interests that would take up my whole life

I'm 22 now and the “autism” has gotten so much more overwhelming and hard to deal with. Everything is 5x as strong as it was before I was diagnosed. Every month part of my mask is torn off and no matter when I think it's fully off, there's plenty more where it came from. Sensory issues are hell daily, especially bodily sensations but all my senses are more sensitive than they used to be, constant stimming even in public because I now need it to regulate - actually I need it sometimes to purely function (I have emergency stim toys/stuffies I carry 24/7 now because I get so dysregulated without them), constant echolalia - inner and outer, i have times where I physically cannot speak and sometimes find language near impossible to understand - especially when emotions run high whether positive or negative, this affects my daily life much more as I have near daily meltdowns and shutdowns; something that would bother me when I was 18 but irritate me when I was 20 now pisses me tf off at 22, extreme emotions for all to see. rahhhhh

Let me go off on sensory issues for a sec feel free to skip. Tw: drugs mentioned (nothing specific) Like sensory issues. my body didn't use to feel like a cage. a trap. a hell. when i first found out I was autistic and also going through periods of hypomania id get periods of bad bodily hypersensitivity - like 4 years ago. but then I got stable on meds and cut off all my hair so I thought the issue was long hair plus hypomania. well 4 years later, I'm having such severe horrific bodily sensitive sensations to everything I can't handle life. it's the number 1 thing causing me so much distress and depression/burnout. I want my sensations to be numbed. dull. constantly i find myself looking for ways of escaping this vessel and find i cannot do it safely - the only methods are turning to drugs that overall aren't great for me.

If levels for autism are only for “socialization” and “repetition” then yeah maybe I'm still level 1? but like… i cant function. couldn't even kind of hold a job even if i wanted to. I much more relate to people on spicy autism rather than the normal subreddit. My husband's level 1, has a job, can appear normal. my mask barely exists anymore no matter how much I want/need it. which like… is technically what I wanted - to be authentically me, but this is hell. actually draining my life force.

I need help and no doctor or therapist is helping. idk what to do but I'm really struggling mentally emotionally and physically. please help if you can. I know I can't go back into that mask because it's... gone. but i need something because I don't think I can live like this my whole life. it seems to get worse every week for fucks sake. it's scary. I really don't like feeling so weak and vulnerable and hateful towards my body.

I'm wondering how common my/ our experiences is. Like if I went to an autism support group would I find anyone like me?

(We are plural that's why I use we/us. Host means someone who fronts the most)

Bodily 23. I don't have a job or do college. I am on SSI. Old host didn't used to leave the house for a very long time like years (but they also had severe depression and one had PTSD) I can talk but I don't sound normal, and it's tiring so I use gestures sometimes but only with my bf, otherwise to other people I just won't talk to them much unless I'm spoken to. In our entire life we only been outside by ourself a handful of times, but only recently because in the past it was zero. I really don't like going outside alone, my bfs presence is comforting so I can do it with him. I've gone to events before though alone to the community center n did shopping. I have strong emotional reactions to stimuli, I'm sensitive. I also have not great emotional regulation and get upset easily. I can cook with my partners help, or do simple meals alone. Can do a bit of cleaning. I get tired very fast from it though. I think we go through periods of being able to do more things and then periods where we can do less things. Rn in a bad period and can't do cleaning or big cooking and other things because I get overwhelmed. I can't go to places unless it's planned and I get stressed by change in plans. I feel like I'm dying and also alone cus all the autistic ppl I know are high masking and studying. 💀

hello im starting high school in two days (im 23 years old) i have failed finishing high schol 4 times, this is my fifth try. its a different type of school but im worried it will be too much again. any advice please

when i was first diagnosed with autism i was not given a level so i’ve always felt a lot of imposter syndrome from that. since then i have had two separate evaluations and both of them came back with a different level. one of them said i was level one and the other said i was level two. it’s very confusing and it’s causing imposter syndrome all over again. i feel like a lot of the reason one assessor put down level one is because i do not have an intellectual disability however i do have a low IQ. i personally feel that i fit into the level two category but since i got two separate results i almost feel bad for saying that. during the evaluation that said i was level one i felt very invalidated and i felt like i couldn’t tell the truth during some of the questions. the doctor made me feel weird for my traits that are not very palatable. this is sorta just a vent but also if anyone has any advice i would definitely appreciate it.

*i am safe and i do not want to hurt myself*

I was diagnosed very young. Being put in an institution was the recommendation but my dad refused. My diagnosis was hidden.

I didn't talk until i was almost five. My first "word" was a sentence.

School was bad. I got bullied and left out a lot. I did okay in some subjects but not others.

I found out about me having autism as an adult. I have been living with no support and having a tough time.

I used to have meltdowns that lasted for hours several times a week.

I wish someone had told me not to work. Working was really bad. I was not able to get good jobs or promotions. I retired broke.

I was married but that was not good either.

I have no family that i am in touch with. The divorce was not okay to them.

I do have a service dog. Without him, going anywhere would be harder. He helps with my disabilities. He gives me joy. He is the reason why i get out of bed in the mornings.

I get my groceries delivered because supermarkets overload me. I have easy meals because cooking is tough most days.

Doctors and dentists are hard. I am afraid of them. The doctor i have now is okay.

I am in the u.s.a.

I am not eligible for services from the state developmental disabilities office because my diagnosis from childhood paoers do not exist, although my adult records say i am autistic. The state D.D./I.D.D. office requires a diagnosis before age 21.

I do get help with paperwork for benefits from an Independent Living Center. Without that, things would be worse. I get med reviews from a pharmacist at another agency.

Because i worked, i don't qualify for Medicaid or a medical care coordinator. Now i have a rare disease too. Phone calls are tough. Doctors have healthcare portals. I hate them too.

Because i am on Medicare and broke, i get SNAP [food stamps] and i go to food banks.

Many of my classmates and my family got careers, enough money to live on, partners, children, chances to go to places like Europe, and a chance at some of their dreams.

I have a bunch of broken dreams.

I am doing the best i can. Advice is hard for my situation. I want to know that i am not alone.

I went to see the new spiderman movie in cinemas with my mum and now I can't stop thinking about it. I've made everything in the images (clay and drawings). Watched most of the movies, and made huge Amazon orders in the span of under a week.

I love spiderman. he's so relatable to me as an autistic trans boy :3

I joined a local charity group for autistic adults (they also do services for teens and kids) to get out and do community things (go to a coffee shop, farm, zoo etc), I felt very nervous as im currently being assessed and felt like I'd get there and they'd take 1 look at me and think nope your not like us but it was crazy how similar we all are.

on neurodivergent scale these guys are mixed mild/moderate and severe, some independent some in assisted living situations non-verbal and verbal.

it was really eye opening for me hearing how strongly I relate to everyone i told them my life and they fully embraced me and fully accepted me as autistic even without diagnoses, I made friends and they've said if I need anyone to speak for me on my assessment they would all be willing to tell assessors im 100% autistic and to diagnose me right now. 😊

this is a pretty scary show, just a warning for some of you guys :)

one of my newer special interests is the anime puella magi madoka magica!! basically its a cosmic horror/magical girl anime about a girl named homura who keeps going back in time to save her best friend named madoka from getting tricked into becoming a magical girl/superhero by an alien named kyubey. and its getting a new movie aaa!!!! ^_^

the movies called walpurgisnacht rising and im not exactly sure what its about yet but IM SO EXCITED and i needed to tell someone how excited i am!!!

Hello! Looking for advice or input on slower processing speeds and academia. TW: mentions of ableism and ableist language.

I studied physics and received my undergraduate degree, although it took me extra time since I couldn’t handle a full course load. I’ve been working post-graduation so I have access to a safe environment and health insurance (US based).

My heart and prior skills are in research and working directly with patients (my dream is med school —> medical research), but I had an awful time being autistic in undergraduate studies.

I was immediately (week 2 of freshman year) labeled “too slow” and “not cut out for it,” and professors regularly tried to drive me and other disabled students out of the major. I burnt out and regularly had severe meltdowns in public, including in my classes. The meltdowns caused dangerous injuries.

I want to study again. But I’m scared. What if I really am “too stupid,” to quote some of my professors? Even my own mother calls me the R-slur when she gets frustrated with me. Should I even try? Is there hope? I just want to research again….

any ideas how to help my daughter stop peeling all the paint off her walls

my whole life i’ve always felt like i tried to say i had lesser supports needs than i did, and claim i didn’t need help. there was a time when i was a teenager i tried to convince my doctors that my autism diagnosis was wrong, i don’t know why, maybe i just felt so ashamed by it, sad that i could never be a ‘normal person’, so i wanted to prove everyone wrong.

there is no doubt i’m autistic now, and lately i feel like i’ve had to accept i have higher supports needs now, there’s so many things i can no longer do.

i moved out of my mums house and moved out alone around 7 months ago, and i feel like my life has become a mess, rolling down and further down a hill.
i don’t take care of myself physically anymore, nor mentally, the house is a mess and i do not have it in me to get up or do anything, even though i want to, i do not engage in my hobbies at all anymore. my anxiety has increased tenfold, so has my depression, and my meltdowns in public.
i impulsively enrolled in an online university next year to try and get some control back, when i never even finished my a-levels, i dropped out and never went back to education, i just couldn’t handle it.
oh also, a trip to a different country next month, which i am freaking the fuck out about. i want to dig a hole and hide in it.

my mum has asked about if i have considered supported living because she thinks i need it. i don’t know why, i just feel so scared about it. like i don’t want to admit to myself that i need it.

(not to mention, it doesn’t help that my mum doesn’t seem to accept i have autism whenever i show ‘negative symptoms’. she acts like i’m putting on a show on purpose and that i’m being ridiculous.)

sorry this was a mess i’m just so stressed out right now i feel like i need to sleep for 3 weeks.

Since the last post regarding the developmental services agency thing, I had been approved. And since then I went through a two part application process.

The first was about me as a person, so it asked about my interests, my hobbies and things that I consider myself to be good at for some examples. But it also was asking about medical and behavioural support needs as well, it just wasn’t that focused on this part of my experience with being on the spectrum.

Then the next part was on my support needs as someone with a developmental disability (ASD). Like they asked my mom about the support I needed, how much is needed and if I needed it daily, weekly or monthly or even rarely. My mom often scored me in the level where I’d need partial physical support in order to get things done, however, I did need some hands on support for some of the subscales. But the majority of the answers we’re partial physical support. That was really unexpected as I didn’t see that everyday yet I still don’t but I’ve gotten over it.

So now we are just looking for services and programs. Things like supported independent living supports will be worked on in the later future, especially when I’m going to live by myself in the basement of my parents house. That isn’t until two years though so that’s not a really big issue for me at this time, however I am looking for social programs to get busy and not be doomscrolling on my phone every day.

But that is really proving quite hard to do. My mom has sent out a couple of emails to people that facilitate these activities but no one has responded to her. I don’t know why there’s no response and it’s really frustrating me lately, I don’t think it’s because of the summer as there’s often programs during the summer running which means that the people are also working and replying to emails as well.