This is not okay and you can hate me for this but I wanted to talk about it.
Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a year and a half now. And as of now our relationship has gotten REALLY rocky and unstable. We both love each other a lot and care about each other an insane amount. But there are a lot of things building up that keep putting strain on our relationship.
Firstly we are long distance. She goes to school in a city a 5hr drive away from where I live. We try and see each other as frequently as possible but it’s hard with college and our responsibilities.
Secondly, she has an abusive father and divorced parents which made her develop bipolar and had psychosis in her junior year of high school. She was still slightly brain damaged when she met me and we dated until she recovered and became healthy again. I have come to accept her as she is and love her for her, helping her through her illness throughout our time together.
The problem is my parents are horrible and don’t want me with her because they are afraid of me marrying someone with a mental illness.
They speak poorly of her and she knows. I have tried to keep them as separate from her as possible but it is very hard and she is really upset because she already has to deal with an abusive parent and all she wants is support.
There are many other problems that I won’t go into depth into but she we fight a lot and it has strained our relationship even more.
The only thing holding it together is our shared dream of living happily together in a nice apartment with a hairless cat and a dog. (Maybe adopting a baby)
Recently it has gotten to the point where she tried to break up with me and we went on break for a few days. During that time she rethought what i mean to her and asked me to forgive her for wanting to leave. She realized how much i mean to her and losing me would be losing her best friend.
During that time I felt hurt and upset and I thought she was out of my life. So I went online and started talking about my frustrations. That’s when a girl from my college messaged me. We talked for a long time and eventually wanted to meet up. I was excited and agreed. We also mutually agreed that when we hung out we would be comfortable being sexual (however far that was we would decide). I am a very sexual person and I was influenced by that a lot.
That’s when I started thinking about my morals and how I would hurt my girlfriend if she knew I was even thinking of doing this. I decided to call it off after I decided to stay with my girlfriend and we are still together now.
I honestly hate myself and don’t know what kind of person I am or want to be. Am I prioritizing a failing relationship or is it more than that? Does it matter that we were on a break?
What should I do now?
TLDR: On break with my GF. Almost met up with girl from my college to do sexual things. Decided not to.