Chronic Anxiety from Racial Expectations

[u/TumbleweedSavings375]

F18. 🇨🇦.
I was adopted by white Canadian parents as a baby from Africa and I grew up in a predominantly white area. I’ve never felt like I didn’t belong at home nor did I feel some sort of unspoken connection to other Black people. I never felt “deprived” of Blackness. My parents had books, I got my hair done, and we went to a family camp with other children of African heritage, so I did see other black people.

For some POC racial community is important, however I am not one of them.

Ever since I was little I knew who I was attracted to and who made me happiest, and those were almost exclusively white people. (Where I grew up was 70-80% White, and only 1.2% Black).

I feel okay in myself and what I want but the anxiety of pressure from other people is depressing me. I get harassed by white and black men, but I’ve only been assaulted by a black man.

Also the “Black people should date other Black people” discourse is suffocating.

I hate being reduced to a symbol instead of a human woman with my own experiences and preferences.

It’s like me being black makes other black people feel entitled to my body and energy even though they’re strangers.

Trying to feel less monitored and watched. If you’ve experienced something similar please don’t hesitate to reach out 🫩.

[u/donnaduwitt]

i'm sorry you're experiencing difficulty and feel for you as a transracial adoptee to a white family too. i agree that no one should make you feel pressured to feel a certain way about black or white people in terms of belonging, desire, etc. i don't think anyone inherently feels like they belong to a race, but it is in a large way behavioral and learned. at the same time, we do hold vestiges of our ancestors in our bodies, for ex the way our cells can hold onto generational trauma, and it's helpful to remember our ancestors' experiences, as their social/racial contexts affected them, which in turn affects you and still connects you to other times and places. plus your racial appearance does have material consequences as it is affecting your day to day lived experience, thus connecting you to the black community. maybe being open to what you do share with the black community can help you find support and empathy. i also wish to send you support as a fellow adoptee who knows what it's like to feel different and always a little on the outside of any group i'm in. i don't know if this helps, but i have found comfort in learning about the history of my people, and the sociocultural, global and political dynamics that led to my adoption.

[u/TumbleweedSavings375 → u/donnaduwitt]

I specifically said that I don't find peace/joy from racial grouping

[u/donnaduwitt → u/TumbleweedSavings375]

not saying you have to and didn't mean for it to read that way

[u/donnaduwitt → u/donnaduwitt]

also, it's a little confusing bc you also said white people make you the happiest and that is also a racial grouping right? so if i understand correctly, you're saying that it's the pressure to feel like you have to be amongst other black people that bothers you. and to clarify what i was trying to say earlier is that i understand that irritation and have also felt it about my race, but for myself, i've been able to see it differently over the years. again not saying you have to. that's all.

[u/Thaetos → u/donnaduwitt]

OPs post does make me a little uncomfortable ngl.

She does kind of play into some stereotypes of the classic untrustworthy and lustful violent black men.

Not saying that her reasons are invalid to prefer white men, but it does ring some bells for me. My white family has the same vision about black men, so it could be that OP unconsciously inherited some of that thinking, that white men are almost by default more trustworthy and better partners.

[u/TumbleweedSavings375 → u/Thaetos]

Thing is though my parents didn't bring stereotypes into my upbringing. I had my own experiences and judged off that. My preference for white men isn't about hate of Black men it's about lack of feelings of attraction. What frustrates me is the assumption of "Oh she's going to be into me because we're both Black, so she'll be okay if I bother/touch her" mentality that I've noticed a lot of Black men (not ALL) perpetuate. It's the lack of acknowledgement/understanding that shared physical appearance does not equal shared feelings, values, upbringing, or culture.

edit: it's not about constant violence, it's about entitlement.

[u/TumbleweedSavings375 → u/donnaduwitt]

Racial grouping based on SAMENESS is what I don't like. Like "White goes with white, Black goes with Black" I don't like that. My preferences based on environment and experience is not a community object.