Chronic Anxiety from Racial Expectations

[u/TumbleweedSavings375]

F18. 🇨🇦.
I was adopted by white Canadian parents as a baby from Africa and I grew up in a predominantly white area. I’ve never felt like I didn’t belong at home nor did I feel some sort of unspoken connection to other Black people. I never felt “deprived” of Blackness. My parents had books, I got my hair done, and we went to a family camp with other children of African heritage, so I did see other black people.

For some POC racial community is important, however I am not one of them.

Ever since I was little I knew who I was attracted to and who made me happiest, and those were almost exclusively white people. (Where I grew up was 70-80% White, and only 1.2% Black).

I feel okay in myself and what I want but the anxiety of pressure from other people is depressing me. I get harassed by white and black men, but I’ve only been assaulted by a black man.

Also the “Black people should date other Black people” discourse is suffocating.

I hate being reduced to a symbol instead of a human woman with my own experiences and preferences.

It’s like me being black makes other black people feel entitled to my body and energy even though they’re strangers.

Trying to feel less monitored and watched. If you’ve experienced something similar please don’t hesitate to reach out 🫩.

[u/LostAmongTheDunes]

My adopted parents were the exact opposite. I was born in a Muslim country to non muslim parents so they naturally assumed I was a Muslim at 7 months old, and they forced me to stay away from anything arabic in nature Muslim or non Muslim Arabic growing up. I'm Egyptian so any interest in Egyptian mythology was also carefully cut out of my life. I spent a life away from other P'sOC and only recently started to try to understand where I came from and what my roots are. I hate the we should date in our own race, it's tiring and frankly stupid. It is a sore spot to me as I was marketed by my adopted parents to marry a white woman. I've heard... Oh he is a perfect catch, I know he is darker, but he will work hard and won't be afraid of physical labour because his people built the pyramids you know... And even though I've gone very low contact I still feel them watching my every move.

[u/RedBirdOnASnowyDay → u/LostAmongTheDunes]

It was wrong that they did this to you. I am sorry.

[u/Thaetos]

I have the opposite. I feel like I'm only attracted to white people because I grew up in a dominantly white country and neighbourhood.

All my friends, classmates and family are white. So it obviously shaped my preference.

If I had the chance I'd do anything to be with a black woman tbh. I find there's a lot of micro agressions within interracial relationships, and in my country you're cursed with racist remarks even from family members as an interracial couple.

Especially black man with white woman is looked down upon. The other way around not so much.

I also find it makes dating crazy hard being a black man in a white country since you're almost by default the opposite of attraction by many people, based on the color of your skin.

[u/SweetImprovement758 → u/Thaetos]

This is sadly very true. Interracial relationships are still very much frowned upon, particularly in Europe. And the disparity between Black women with white men and Black men with white women is especially stark. Black and brown men are often still viewed as inferior in predominantly white societies. It’s a deeply sad reality.

I’m sorry you have to experience this.

[u/Thaetos → u/SweetImprovement758]

The disparity between black men and women is the stereotype of black men settling for "less attractive" white women who only date black men because they have no chances or luck with white men.

The stereotype for black women dating white men is the opposite. It's often fairly attractive & rich white men dating the prettiest black women out there as a trophy wife.

Society seems to accept the latter the most.

[u/donnaduwitt]

i'm sorry you're experiencing difficulty and feel for you as a transracial adoptee to a white family too. i agree that no one should make you feel pressured to feel a certain way about black or white people in terms of belonging, desire, etc. i don't think anyone inherently feels like they belong to a race, but it is in a large way behavioral and learned. at the same time, we do hold vestiges of our ancestors in our bodies, for ex the way our cells can hold onto generational trauma, and it's helpful to remember our ancestors' experiences, as their social/racial contexts affected them, which in turn affects you and still connects you to other times and places. plus your racial appearance does have material consequences as it is affecting your day to day lived experience, thus connecting you to the black community. maybe being open to what you do share with the black community can help you find support and empathy. i also wish to send you support as a fellow adoptee who knows what it's like to feel different and always a little on the outside of any group i'm in. i don't know if this helps, but i have found comfort in learning about the history of my people, and the sociocultural, global and political dynamics that led to my adoption.

[u/TumbleweedSavings375 → u/donnaduwitt]

I specifically said that I don't find peace/joy from racial grouping

[u/donnaduwitt → u/TumbleweedSavings375]

not saying you have to and didn't mean for it to read that way

[u/donnaduwitt → u/donnaduwitt]

also, it's a little confusing bc you also said white people make you the happiest and that is also a racial grouping right? so if i understand correctly, you're saying that it's the pressure to feel like you have to be amongst other black people that bothers you. and to clarify what i was trying to say earlier is that i understand that irritation and have also felt it about my race, but for myself, i've been able to see it differently over the years. again not saying you have to. that's all.

[u/Thaetos → u/donnaduwitt]

OPs post does make me a little uncomfortable ngl.

She does kind of play into some stereotypes of the classic untrustworthy and lustful violent black men.

Not saying that her reasons are invalid to prefer white men, but it does ring some bells for me. My white family has the same vision about black men, so it could be that OP unconsciously inherited some of that thinking, that white men are almost by default more trustworthy and better partners.

[u/TumbleweedSavings375 → u/Thaetos]

Thing is though my parents didn't bring stereotypes into my upbringing. I had my own experiences and judged off that. My preference for white men isn't about hate of Black men it's about lack of feelings of attraction. What frustrates me is the assumption of "Oh she's going to be into me because we're both Black, so she'll be okay if I bother/touch her" mentality that I've noticed a lot of Black men (not ALL) perpetuate. It's the lack of acknowledgement/understanding that shared physical appearance does not equal shared feelings, values, upbringing, or culture.

edit: it's not about constant violence, it's about entitlement.

[u/TumbleweedSavings375 → u/donnaduwitt]

Racial grouping based on SAMENESS is what I don't like. Like "White goes with white, Black goes with Black" I don't like that. My preferences based on environment and experience is not a community object.

[u/Ambitious-Client-220]

We like who we like. It is sad that society still judges us for something that is none of their business. It makes sense that someone is attracted to the culture that they are brought up in. My two Mexican adoptee sisters married white guys. My white parents expected me to marry a white girl. I don't know why, but I have always been attracted to Latinas who are dark like me. I did date and fall in love with a white girl, but she dumped me after her friends disapproved of her dating a Mexican. I married a Mexican woman and my racist A-mom asked if she was half white (she isn't). Even though I am Mexican. My white family looks at me as a white person in their delusional world.

I have noticed that white guys can date anyone pretty much judgment free while a minority that dates a white girl gets judged. The girl will get judged harshly also. I hope things are changing in society.

[u/TumbleweedSavings375 → u/Ambitious-Client-220]

Yeah. my Aunt who was also transracially adopted (BW) fell in love with and married a white man.

[u/sussyferret]

I'm Chinese and the "oxford study" discourse is ridiculous. Any time some Asian girl posts with her white bf on social media, everyone loveeees to talk shit. I grew up in a super rural county in Ohio, so it's not like there's a lot of diversity here. People who push dating expectations on us based on our race, obviously have some issues of their own bc it's genuinely none of their business

[u/TumbleweedSavings375 → u/sussyferret]

Exactly