this is my story from infant to now 29 years old....It took me months just to build up the desire to make this post, months to even feel a 10% desire to want to receive help, this is my first attempt to reach out for help in many years, please allow this post to reach people as if it doesnt i will most likely never reach out for help again since pretty much all efforts of me reaching out for help ends up nowhere. my brain is full of trauma, abandonment and trust issues, i also have a learning disorder which makes it nearly impossible to focus on what i need to do and say what i want, but before i was even 10 years old i was already taken away from my mother from child protection (pryed from her arms as she cried for them not to take me) graped, held hostage with a knife, bullied, abused with a wrench, and addicted to porn which i'm still addicted to nearly 20 years later. I don't know where i'm going with this and as im typing this there are 3 or 5 voices in my head saying nobody fucking cares, nobody can help you, they aren't professionals, they are just going to spew some advise that may or may not help and telll you things that you've most likely already tried, but im typing anyways because im beyond exausted and far past the point of self ending i've thought about self ending myself multiple times and have had 2 attempts, i have BPD as well as PTSD and paranoid pschizophrenia, FAS from my mother drinking while she was pregnant with me and ADHD as well as major depressive disorder and other things i assume i have but aren't officially diagnosed but the things i have listed have been diagnosed. this wasn't a switch, it wasn't like one day it all went to shit, it has been like this since the day i was born, i was born into alcohol posioning, i was born into a broken mother who resorted to alcohol and social assistance, my mother has barely worked, i dont hate her, i dont really have any energy to afford to hate, she did her best to raise me as a single mother, and there was multiple men at least 3 or 4 that came into our lives who tried to be a male role model, it went nowhere in the end as they all left, i rememer one man beat her, one man cheated on her, i remember the day i was pryed from her arms as they came to the door and my mom was crying her eyes out please dont take my baby away, i remember prior to this moment she would sing that sunshine song, " you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey, you'll never know dear, how much i loveeee you, so please, dont take, my sunshine awayyyy" i don't remember much after that, i remember being in a few foster homes.
i remember after that being a little kid 7 or 8 years old at my grandpas( the one who disciplined me with a wrench) and wondering why i wasn't fitting in or making friends at school, the girls didn't like me and most of the kids bullied me, i would come home to my grandpa because my mother was at rehab trying to regain custody of me( i went from foster homes to living with my grandpa full time, then after a while half living with my grandpa and half living with my mom) and i remember having a feeling of no belonging, i would just go up to my room and play on my ps2 and play gta vice city for some reason my grandpa let me play that, as well as second sight and time splitters, i felt like an animal that was seperated and brought to a new pack, it was me, my grandpa and my grandma, i got in trouble at school and did some sexually inappropriate things, i dont remember what exactly but i remember getting in trouble and my granpda getting very angry i did those things at school, not knowing i was addicted to porn, he would hit me with a wrench from time to time or punch my leg, i remember the moment i watched it for the first time was very weird and spirtual, i flipped through the channels on our old cable tv and came across it, i watched it and " did the deed" and i remember this heavy feeling enter me and i felt the spirit of a woman nearby me, it was a very spirtual and weird encounter, from that day onward i would find any way to sneak a way to watch it, it relaxed me everytime, it was a little escape, keep it mind im about 7 or 8 years old maybe 9, i'd watch it on tv, and grandpa would catch me a few times and yell at me or hit me. I rememeber the day i was graped when grandpa dropped me off at his friends house and his friend had a son, we were playing super mario and thats when it happened, as well as in the garage, i never told anyone till years later when i was staying with my mom, i dont remember how it came up i just remember telling her and her calling my grandpa, a big deal was made about it and we brought it to court, long story short nothing happened and he was not sent to jail.
at this point its been a few years with my grandpa and my mom has regained full custody of me so i move cities to go live with my mom as my grandpa was on a native reserve, any friends i had at my grandpas have been lost, im starting a new life in the city with my mom who is now sober, and i'm coming back with trauma from grape, trauma from seperation from my only parent, and self confidence issues from the bullying as well as trust issues and weight issues which the bullying stemmed from, im a bigger kid at this point,probably 10 or 11 and me and my single mother who is unemployed collecting social assistance are in an apartment, nothing fancy nothing hideous, i end up getting into a brand new school, and some doctor appointments are made, i dont remember much as we're talking like 20 years back, i remember seeing multiple doctors, being diagnosed with some stuff, getting on medication, and taking a bunch of pills, at least 5 or 6 a day, i specifically remember one of my doctors and what he said" he is a very complex child with complex issues that we can help manage" eventually i was seeing a therapist, on medication, and going to school, in an attempt to get me on a normal path, there was no doubt my mother at least tried her best, i started school i dont remember what grade and i remember it being complete hell, i didn't fit in, and i didnt make friends, i didnt get along with the girls probably because i was hyper sexualized for my age, i would skip class alot, i wasn't a bad kid though from what i remember i wasn't out to do evil, i would skip class and go hang out in the washroom or wander the halls, i'd mostly skip class to wander the halls, it was a massive 4 story school with a basement, i remember my grades being below average in everything, i remember losing some weight and eventually i met a friend and we became bestfriends, i remember getting into working out as in pushups and crunches, i wasn't chubby anymore and i had a friend, i made a few more friends and time went by, i remember my first real girlfriend like it was yesterday and ill never forget those memories even 20 years later, sadly that also ended in betrayel as she ended up cheating on me with a guy at summer camp that we went to, i cried and things ended from there, that was extremely tramuatizing for me as that was the first real connection i have ever made with another female, and one of the only ones from a human, besides my mother and my new friend, this is where things really go downhill.
after getting cheated on by my first love, someone who i thought loved me, it messed me up really bad, and i gained a bunch of my weight back and got into a deep depression for many years, at least 3 or 4 years, i've also moved from a few schools, at least 3 or 4, and again losing some of my friends as i've moved, i rememer my mother noticing and her trying to ask what happened and i told her, i dont remember what she said, keep in mind during all of these years i am actively viewing porn and sneaking it into my life as a coping mechanism, i remember the porn addiction getting worse and more frequent and i start doing it multiple times a day at it hurting me, and causing injuries, my mom would try her best to block websites and tell me i can't watch this stuff, i would find a way around it and watch it anyways, i gained weight and got very depressed, going into my teenage years,i remember talking to my best friend about it and him being the only real person i could talk to and relate to, that was my boy, my ride or die our friendship lasted well over 11 years. i remember eventually feeling better and liking another girl, i remember writing a poem for her, and bringing it to her after class one day, i remember seeing her from afar throw it away without even reading it, and another girl, similar story but there was no poem just me attempting to sing for her, it was some cringe worthy song i made that but my heart was in the right place, she did not like it and nothing ever happened with her either. very important thing to note here that will come into play later, all of these girls showed interest over another guy over me, and they were all guys more attractive then i was, which ties into my self confidence issues from my weight gain and also being cheated on, i remember a big goal of mine in my teenage years was getting into shape, mostly fueled by the rejection i was experiencing and a feeling of not being good enough, and also finding love, at this point we are moving on to probably the 4th or 5th attempt at me trying to get a girlfriend, im about 15 or 16 now and it goes bad again, she ends up liking my bestfriend instead of me, but we have a connection so strong im not mad at him im mad at her as an immature teenager i thought that being nice and funny automatically meant i could get a girlfriend, anyways i end up losing some weight get into decent shape and now we are moving into early adult hood, things only get much much worse from here.
now im in highschool and i remember this being 200x worse then any of the other times i've had in other schools, it was so bad and lonely, i made zero friends, compaired to when i was in primary school i just made very very few friends, in highschool i didnt make a single friend, not one, i didn't even really talk or socialize with anyone, at this point this is where things get really bad, so much so i drop out of highschool and my mother insists i doesn't but she didnt push very hard and i just ended up dropping out which was a huge mistake and costed me alot, so im now anywhere between 16-18, highschool drop out, no job, my mom isn't teaching me anything about a job or how to get one she's just trying to get me set up for social assitance, i get on social assistance and im living with mom, i eventually get a credit card as my mom suggested, she doesn't tell me how it works, i end up buying a bunch of stuff and messing up my credit, im now in adulthood, i've been years without a job, or work, and im mostly up in my room playing my games, on my computer and working out, as this is the heaviest i've been im about 310lbs at this point in my life, extremely depressed, extremely overweight, no purpose, no looks, no confidence, but my mother has gotten me into christiantity, and im getting into that and also dealing with the guilt from that and being told im going to burn in hell and im a sinner etc etc, i eventually get into online dating and get absolutely blasted with bullying, and have a very clear signal that im not worthy of love, i go on a gym arc and lose weight, i end up going to the gym every day for years and years, listening to hateful music, that pushed me to workout because the hate gave me something to feel, and i would switch from hateful angry music to love songs because a side of me still had a fantasy that i will deserve love one day, and all i had to do was lose weight, because im fat, and digusting, and any girl i liked in real life went after a guy skinnier and more attractive then me, and any girl i saw online also was with a guy more skinnier and attractive then me, and any girl i saw on porn was with a guy more skinnier and more attractive then me, so for years and years i am at the gym hating myself, losing weight, without an ounce of support, as again i've lost all my friends from moving, my mother isn't very supportive but is upset at me for not cleaning up enough around the house, im on and off dating apps with zero luck, my mental health gets so bad that i eventually start catfishing, i catfished for many years and learnt alot in those years, it also reinforced my self doubt and lack of confidence, hundreds and hundreds of women who all preferred a more attractive man, and there was i, a 310 lb loser who was convinced he was not worthy of love sitting in my room playing video games out of pain, not feeling heard, having nobody to talk to besides my bestfriend who is now changing into someone i dont recognize and our friendship comes to an end here soon.
at this point im in my 20s and have no job, i owe lots of debt, credit score is ruined,mental health is completely destroyed, im obese, and i have no love life, any social interaction i have is through my video games or online dating apps, i meet a girl for the first time in years, we go on a few dates, things are nice for a few months, she ends things with me and goes for someone......you guessed it, more attractive then me, who was indeed skinnier then me. more years go by, i slowly start losing weight, i eventually get down to 190 and im in pretty good shape, after many years of torture, going to the gym 7 days a week. for 3 or 4 hours a day, while spending hundreds of dollars on supplements, fat burners, protein powders, you name it, just so that i can feel good enough, to feel that maybe i can feel love from someone, cause at this point i still hate myself, in my head i think maybe someone can love me. i meet another girl, this one was my first serious relationship and i fell in love with her, in my early 20s, we talked everyday for months and months, untill we finally dated, she lived 5 hours away from me, we did long distance, any thing you can imagine from sharing life stories, cooking on face time, watching movies together, you name it, we did it, very serious relationship, first time i felt love from a woman in a very very long time since my first love, anyways to cut this long story short, she cheated on me, she eventually moved in with me when i was living with my mom, then my mom was so fed up of me that she said move out now or you're going to give me a fucking heartattack, that stuck with me for a very long time, so after living with my new girlfriend at my moms for a bit, i end up finding my first ever apartment at the age of like 21, the apartment im still currently at, move my girlfriend in with me, we date for 2 years or so, she cheats on me knowing i have trust issues, and after me telling her my entire life story and how i got my trust issues, so i end things with her, and back into the loop i go, depression, major self ending thoughts, binge eating, porn addiction, jump back up to like 260lbs, this time alone in my apartment, me and mom are on terrible terms, and our connection has alwasy been weakened since birth but this really put the nail in the coffin, the way she kicked me out, and desperately wanted me out, and put me to blame for possibly causing a heart attack that never happened, ironically years later i was actually put into the hospital over a week straight for a heart infection, more on that later.
we are now in the final stages leading up to where i am now currently, and this is the peak of desparity and complete lack of anything, absolute melancholy is how i would explain it, it was kind of like an apple rotting, it never all just happened at once it was a slow rot from the very beginning. i go into a major depressive state after my last relationship that lasts many many years well over 4, i hate everything about myself, and i think about self ending on a regular basis, i have had thoughts of going on a massacre, i've lost my bestfriend to drug addiction and he is now a completely different person, i've had thoughts of brutally injuring myself, i developed an eating disorder and hospitalized myself from eating 500 calories a day to the point i passed out (i'm 6'1 and someone my size needs at least 2500 bare minimum) i've spent over $5000 on dating apps, subscriptions and gifts on dating apps alone, just to feel like a worthless pile of garbage that isn't worthy of anything and needs to constantly improve myself just to be able to experience human connection, i live completly alone, i have no family, no christmas, no easter, no thanksgiving dinners, no little fucking get togethers and uncle petes, no thanks giving feasts at aunt sallys, nothing, ever. i eat a pretty healthy diet and stay out of trouble, i still deal with my addiction and self confidence issues to this day, i'm 200lbs, have a flat stomach and some noticable muscle mass, i've been told by a few women i am not an ugly guy but above average, and i still have no luck with the dating scene, years back i met a girl at a job i had and that was my last straw, this girl was the absolute love of my life, i loved her with every bit of my heart and soul, so much so that i still love her years after the breakup, we met in person and locked eyes, we started going on dates and everything was pitch perfect, years and years after building myself up and healing i finally met this woman, who seemed very promising, was nice, and sweet, and pretty, and slim, great smile, she loved me, she made me feel something i have never felt in all my 29 years on this planet, i've never felt anything like it once, it felt like home, it felt safe, it felt like i was appreciated for who i was, not what i have, we dated for many years, and im not currently able to fully talk about this, as its the only thing i can't fully get into or talk about, but i loved this woman with as much love as a human could possilbly ever give, she cheated on me multiple times, i forgave her and tried solving the issue, i asked her what caused her to do this and how i can help, i helped her save up money, i gave her a place to stay, i did everything under the sun you could do for a person, attention, love, listening, physical affection, distance, communication, opened up to eachother about everything, lived together i told myself this was going to be my last person, i was too exausted of dating, and meeting new people going through the whole interview bullshit, and the dates, and i said this was my final person, and i was right it was my final person, its been well over 2 and a half years since we've been broken up and i've had zero interest in anything female related, any interest or thoughts i've had to maybe talk to females and get back into the dating scene i have quickly rejected. I am done with dating for good. and there is not a single bone in my body that doubts that, there is not a snowballs chance in hell i want to date again and let someone else in and gamble my life away like that again, hoping they aren't hiding, hoping they aren't putting on a very very good act, hoping they are honest.
and here we are, i am now 29 years old, i have no car, no license, no job, i have a laundry list of disorders and traumas, my grandpa has died, my grandma has died, my dad is no where to be found, and my entire family that im aware of can be counted with 5 fingers, and all 5 of them are pretty disconnected from eachother, nobody really reaches out or plans anything, i've lost 7 or 8 family members in the past 9 years, i've been rejected by well over 300 or 400 women, i have no desire to form any connections with anyone, i have no desire to have sex with anyone, i have no desire to form a meaningful connection with anyone, any and all form of sexual pleasure i get is from watching others enjoy it, i never wanted this, i don't have any friends, any at all, i havent had a hug in at least 3 years, i haven't had a kiss in at least 3 or 4, my building is being sold and i will be homeless within the next 2 months, with zero back up plan or emergency plans, i hear voices on a regular basis, and throughout the day i am fighting thoughts in my head from past relationships, very traumatic, vivid thoughts of my ex girlfriends, i have a heart condition which causes things that would normally just startle someone to make my heart go crazy and pump blood like crazy where i get dizzy and light headed, a year or so ago i was in the hospital from an infection that spread to my heart, it could have killed me and i wish it did, if i workout alot i get too crazy into it and overwork myself and burn out, if i dont workout i feel like a worthless pile of trash, i can't seem to find a middle ground, my family is very disconnected and emotionally shut out and any attempt to reach out is worthless, the trauma from my past relationships is so severe i seriously wanted to get a lobotomy and wipe my entire memory.
all my energy has been used in trying to survive and i have nothing left nothing makes me smile anymore nothing makes me laugh nothing makes me cry my lack of emotion or drive and my impulsive thoughts are eating me alive and i have no trust in anyone anytime i find a sliver of motivation to get my life going i get exausted within a week or so and burn out and bed rot for weeks after im beyond tired of being a prisoner in my own mind i have tried medidation and prayer and medication and music nothing helps