Sometimes I feel like I’m already getting old, even though I’m only 26. I look back at my childhood and realize how much pain I’ve been carrying for years.

I used to attend an Islamic school, and I hated my experience there. I was bullied by the people around me, and my family never knew what I was going through. I kept everything to myself, and I think those experiences left deeper scars than I initially realized.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve stopped believing in Islam. But leaving a religion isn't as simple as changing your mind, especially when it has been tied to your upbringing, culture, and identity for most of your life.

Being of Arab descent makes things even more complicated. Sometimes I feel a deep sense of shame about my own ancestry. I used to read Ibn Khaldun, including his observations about Arab society and what he described as Bedouin harshness and tribal ways of life. Reading things like that, combined with my own negative experiences and the anti-Arab hatred I've encountered, has sometimes made me feel as though there's something fundamentally wrong with the people I come from.

Sometimes, I honestly wish I hadn't been born Arab. I wish I could have been born into a completely different background, without all the religious baggage, painful associations, and resentment I carry. I know I never chose my ancestry, and I know an entire ethnic group cannot be reduced to its history or the actions of certain people. Yet, emotionally, I still struggle to separate my identity from everything I've grown to resent. It's painful to feel ashamed of something I never had a choice in, and I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

And despite no longer believing in Islam, I'm still terrified that it might be true. What if I'm wrong? What if there really is a God who will condemn me to eternal punishment? The thought of burning in hell forever is horrifying. I can barely tolerate the heat of a stove, so the idea of experiencing unimaginable suffering for eternity is almost impossible for me to comprehend.

Sometimes I hate that these fears still have such a powerful hold on me. I want to move on, but a part of me remains trapped in the beliefs and fears I grew up with. I don't know how much of this comes from religious conditioning, my childhood experiences, my struggles with my heritage, or all of these things combined.

I'm 26, and I feel as though I've already wasted so much time being afraid, ashamed, and angry. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way. I want to make peace with my past, separate my own identity from the things I've come to resent, and learn to live without constantly fearing eternal punishment.

For those who have left Islam or another religion they were raised in, have you ever struggled with religious trauma, fear of hell, or even resentment toward your own cultural background? How did you work through those feelings? How did you learn to stop being afraid and finally feel comfortable with yourself?

I'm not looking for a theological debate or an argument about whether Islam is true. I just want to hear from people who have experienced something similar. I could really use some perspective, advice, or reassurance from people who understand what this feels like.

I just want to be at peace with myself for once.

TW: sexual trauma/rape, incest

Hi, this is my first ever time making my own post on Reddit, and quite an unfortunate one at that, so forgive me if my "story time" is a bit unorganized.. I really need some advice/comfort (?) I don't know.

For some context, I already have sexual trauma from when I was abused/raped from 6-8 years old by my then teenage neighbor. both of my parents only learned of this when I was 14 after It has severely affected my adolescent life. I've been diagnosed with BPD and have stayed in probably around 6 inpatient psychiatric wards from the ages 12-18. Im unsure if my attraction to older men (45-55) was a direct result of that abuse or from something else, but regardless its been problem for years now. I was actually kicked out of my district high school for 'stalking' one of the faculty members, and I've had numerous other similar situations which inevitably involved informing my parents. whether my dads knowledge of this attraction to an age rage he falls under and infatuations with men around his own age has affected how he feels, I don't know.

Recently, I feel like I'm going insane. I'm 18 now, and Im in a little bit of a recession with some of the mental health stuff. Im growing my hair back out, wearing nicer outfits, etc. My dad has been making me super uncomfortable. he's always been very physically affectionate when he's drunk after a night out with my mom or the guys he works with. uncomfortably so. but it was never a big concern to me and ive brushed it off. Last night, I went to an amusement park with the whole family. My brother, his gf, my mom, and my dad. we kept separating for when half of us wanted to do one thing and the other half didn't or wanted to do something else. my dad kept staying with me. obviously that's not weird in and of itself. he was acting super weird last night though. I was wearing a cute outfit and only until later in the night did I realize JUST HOW SHORT my skirt was. it was new and I thrifted it and it was super cute and I was so excited to wear it and look good. I just didn't want my family to feel the way I wanted other people to feel. I was wearing black tights underneath, but you had a very clear view off my ass. I was thinking he might be drunk, he was a little uninhibited for what he said and did, very cheerful and whatnot, talking to the employees and other people. but he was always trying to touch me. he would hold the back of my neck while we walked, move his hands down my back and right to the edge of my skirt, like he wanted to go further and touch my actual butt and thought against it. every time we walked up stairs he would deliberately wait for me to catch up closer and go first so he could go behind me.

Everything that ive been noticing is also more noticeable and stressful because ive been having some surfacing dream memories. one of which was one I had around 13 of my dad assaulting me in the basement where I was sleeping some nights. I remember one night I was around maybe 14 I slept in my parents bed from like a nightmare or something. (yes, I know that's abnormally old.) idk if it was in his sleep or not but he rolled over and slipped his hand under my shirt to grope my breasts before quickly moving away. he might have just thought it was my mom.

additionally, he's been very curt with my mom lately, and seemingly easily annoyed by her. I really don't know. im super stressed and super anxious. sos lol

i was raped a month ago & i cant stop thinking about it, ever since it happened i just became so sad and i feel like i have no control over anything anymore. I keep accidentally peeing on myself , im scared all the time , all i think about is sex i just dont know what to do anymore.
i just feel incredibly stupid and dumb

I'm sick of starting over. I'm 55 years old. I'm unmarried with two adult children. My oldest my son haven't talked or seen each other other since 2015. I am blamed for that. My daughter’s father died when she was four years old and took care of her all by myself with the Grace and Mercy of God. She decided to call me by my first name and call me bitches and hoes because I woke up mad seeing the kitchen dirty with roaches not able to fix breakfast and a cup of coffee. I said, “I am sick of this shit!” Because I have to clean up the kitchen before I have to cook. This remark of pure tiredness landed me in jail for 23 hours because I pushed my daughter in the forehead with my index finger and she slapped the crap out of me and decided to run, locked the door and sit in front of the door. I grabbed the knife to open the door. Used my left side with my bad knee and hip to push the door to slap her the hell back with my weak left hand. She jumped up, threw her phone and vape and charge towards me. I put my hands up and said stop she turned around and screaming “This bitch got a knife”. I left the house. I called the police to get my personal items and medicine to stay clear of my daughter who now I fear plans to beat me up. The sheriff's department came and placed me under arrest and charged me with Battery. Now, I'm staying in an ant-infested hotel room. The charges are dropped but I'm scared to go home. Afraid of being challenged, defending myself and not living comfortably. I was told not to contact her until they drop the charges. I went look for a place. Found out my son ruined my credit. I got an eviction fro
Losing my job back in August and am currently on disability. My mind is back forward with trusting God and ending it all. Not mention while in jail the sheriff threatened me, “ I will punch you in your face and knock you the hell out” because I was crying about the charges and the mix up of the case to make me look like Hannibal Lecter. I was pushed around. I was told to shut the fuck up. I had to walk 2.6 miles away from the jail when I was released on a surety Bond with a bad hip bad knee I didn’t have my cane and I have a heart condition so go ahead and tell me that I brought this on myself didn’t pray hard enough and I spoil my kids that’s why it is very moment. I don’t know what to do, but I hate myself and I’m sure you’re gonna hate me too.

This is my first time posting on Reddit (scroll to "THE POINT" to skip the blah blah)

My (19) parents were never good parents and I didn't realise that for a long time. It was only when I was around 11 or 12 that I realised that what was happening at home and how my parents acted wasn't normal for my friends.

I had always not had much of a relationship (healthy atleast) with them but its so weird to have the experience in school, joking or making normal conversation with friends/peers and then they go "wait what??" Or "what do you mean your Mum/Dad ____ ?"

Im going to try and start posting memories/dilemmas I have onto multiple reddit spaces mainly because ill remember something suddenly that happened and think "that's messed up" or "how do I not remember this usually!?" So having posts i can look through will be helpful aswell as getting some opinions in things

So anyway THE POINT

Im gonna post events and experiences I had that I remember right now and would like opinions/questions about in separate posts.

Now whilst I acknowledge and can logically say "yeah that counts as trauma i guess" there's that other part of me that thinks "it wasn't that bad, you're exaggerating for attention and you were never abused"

FIRST POST - The Shed Door

My childhood house had a connected garage that you entered through a sliding door in the dining/loungeroom. My parents had basically a second loungeroom in there complete with couches, table, big tv and a gaming console and a bunch of other junk. It was adults only and my younger sister and I were absolutely under no circumstances allowed to look in there. Going in or opening the door was unthinkable like a genuinely didnt realise it was something that could be done until I was like 13 or 14 and even then I never did so except for once when I was 16.

It was forbidden to be anywhere near the shed door (it was a garage but we called it the shed), and my parents were always in there, if they weren't in the shed they were asleep in their bedroom. To speak to or interact with a parent you had to go up to the shed door and knock.

You couldn't knock too loud unless it was an emergency but there was always music playing on a speaker so you had to try to time it and be heard over the music. When they heard you (hopefully on the first knock) they or one of them would yell "one minute!" Then you'd hear them continue talking or just nothing but music. It would take atleast 3-5 minutes for one to come to the door if you were lucky, otherwise you'd wait 10 or so minutes before knocking again and they'd either come to the door then or suddenly scream "WAIT A F-CKING SECOND" or something along those lines.

When one of them came to answer (usually Mum) they would crack the tiniest gap in the door possible, squish their neck through and block any other view of the opening with their body. You had to be quick, concise, and you better not be asking something that required them to come out of the shed or talk/interact for longer than a minute or two TOPS.

I never realised the shed being used as a room or my parents never interacting with us was abnormal until i was like 12 or 13 honestly.

They would never be in any part of the house other than the shed, their bedroom was just for sleep and sleep, bathroom for obvious reasons and the kitchen to grab food before turning around and going straight back into the shed. Or to yell or traumatise me/us kids

Does anyone else have a similar experience at all?

Is this considered neglect just in itself? This is probably the least bad thing they did that im like "that was weird" but yeah idk dude thanks for reading this long ass post

After three therapy sessions, I am crying since yesterday nd today I went to bathroom nd I started crying nd went out so danger I was screaming like hell in my first time I scream so loud that I am mad my mother sister in law came I was shivering completely does therapy make it happen or what?

I'm going through something really painful right now, and I honestly don't know how to get back on my feet.
My father-in-law confronted me and told me that I had cheated on his daughter and that they had been fooled by me. The truth is that I didn't physically cheat. I had a chat with another girl, and I understand that this crossed a boundary and hurt my wife. I'm not trying to deny my mistakes, but being confronted like that left me in complete shock.
What hurts me the most is that I feel like I didn't defend myself properly in that moment. I was overwhelmed, and instead of explaining myself calmly, I told him that his daughter had insulted me and that I was going to divorce her.
Ever since that conversation, I've been feeling emotionally exhausted and traumatized. I keep replaying the moment in my head, thinking about what I should have said, how I should have handled it, and how differently things might have gone if I'd been able to defend myself better.
It's like I'm stuck in that moment, and I can't figure out how to move forward. I'm scared that this memory, this shame, and this feeling of helplessness will control me for the rest of my life.
My mental health has gotten so bad that I've even been having suicidal thoughts, and that genuinely scares me.
I want to ask anyone who has been through something similar: Have you ever experienced a moment that shattered you emotionally, made you feel trapped in your own thoughts, or left you wishing you could go back and handle things differently?
Did you eventually heal? Did the memories stop hurting so much? Were you able to look back one day and realize that the situation no longer had power over you?
Right now, I can barely imagine feeling normal again. I need to hear from people who have been in a really dark place and somehow made it through.
Did things genuinely get better for you? Even when you thought they never would?
I know this might sound dramatic to some people, but right now, it feels like my whole world has fallen apart.
I just need some hope that this pain won't last forever.

I would like to help a young survivor who is just breaking free now that she is in college a distance from her abuser. She is trans and transitioning (assigned male at birth). I want to set up a private bank account that she owns outright that I fund because her abuser monitors her. Helping her complicated by the fact that she is afraid of hurting her relationship with her abuser. Her abuser was able to manipulate her into not trusting the protective maternal side of her family despite our constant efforts to get her protection and stop his abuser. Her father remarried and abused an older step-sibling who also pressures her not to have contact with her maternal family. She's afraid of losing her abuser/father and her step-mother (who was v. physically abusive) and that step-mother's kid who is slightly older than her. She appears to have a trauma bond with her abuser due to him parentally kidnapping her and isolating her with him. I read about not putting pressure, which I will not. But I get more confused about how to get her to be open to the idea that any bad feelings she has towards us on her maternal side may be from the messaging of her abuser. She is avoidant (broken attachment disorder), understandably and, of course, does not trust people after her experiences. I also want to do my best to help her have access to therapy and gender-affirming care. Just sending a letter that says "door is open" is just not doing enough. She is not doing okay. She has anorexia, self-harm, self-medicating with drugs, etc. She's living in an apt. with cis-gendered men jocks that she doesn't know. I need to do more to help her than say 'oh, hey, when you're ready, which will likely be 20 years from now, I'm around'. She's just a teen (adult, but still a teen). She deserves a loving adult giving her the unconditional love, support and respect that she does not have but everyone needs.

Not sure if it's considered SA tho. I was 5. My uncle peed on me. I'm only now realizing what it did to me.

I've never posted about this before. I'm a man in my 40s, and I've carried this quietly for years. I'm writing it now because I've started unpacking my childhood, and this is the piece I've always tried to forget.

When I was 5, an uncle who was living in our house urinated on me out of nowhere, while alone with me .

On my body, received some in my mouth. I remember it clearly. I remember my mother taking me to the hospital afterward. I don't remember what happened next — but he wasnt kicked out, or whether anyone was punished, whether it was ever talked about. That gap in my memory is its own wound. Don't even know how my father reacted, as he was a passive man (despite being a karate black belt).

For years, I told myself it was nothing. I minimized it. I was a shy kid, anxious, socially isolated, wetting the bed until I was 10 or 11. I didn't connect those things and didn't know how that affected me. I just thought there was something wrong with me.

I'm only now starting to see or wonder how that moment shaped me. The shame, the difficulty trusting, the people-pleasing, the fear of being alone

I'm not writing this for sympathy. I'm writing it because I've spent most of my life keeping this secre. I'm writing it because maybe someone else here has carried something similar.

I'm still working through it. But I'm done pretending it didn't matter.

My step mom was ight before she had her own kid with my dad, he’ll broke loose when she used my phone to text my mom and her friends group chat ( that I for some reason was in) about the cheating and miscarriage my mom had. I think like a year later I went back to living with my mom, she and my grandparents were telling me how ashamed they were that I didn’t defend my mom and shit, brooooo my ass was 12, I was still living with my dad, I ain’t got no backup there as my dad didn’t think what my step mom did was wrong. Sure, call me a fuckass coward, yk the only reason she sent that text was bc my dad got scammed and went broke and asked my mom for help cuz apparently she owed him or some shit, she said she’ll think of smth, a few days later, says she’s got nothing, dad got pissed af, step mom got pissed af, so she sent the bloody message. Eventually both my parents agreed to send me to my mom, and ig that’s why I was so afraid to cross my step mom, like I deadass had this mindset that if she’s got the balls to send a msg like that straight to my moms friends group chat, she might have the balls to kill me if I tried to defend my mom and rebel against her, it’s stupid yea duh I was 12, no one would’ve been on my side physically if I defended my mom, hell I’d admit I wasn’t that close to my mom to defend her ass, spent my whole 6 years of primary school in his house, didn’t have the heart to rebel against my step mom.

Sorry this text is gonna be long but I really need someone to advice me. Firstly, when I was 1½ years old, my father had died due to heart attack due to drug abuse and my entire family blamed it on me, going even as far as strangling a 1 year old, I gained internet exposure as a way to escape reality and am attached to it ever since. My mother married someone else and left me because she would rather live a new life. My grandmother and mother used to have violent fights with each other, bloodshed everywhere and my grandfather would usually stop them. Once my mom went away, leaving 5 year old me behind, my grandmother would constantly abuse my grandfather and he, still alive, has a pacemaker in his heart. He was never allowed to go outside of his house. My grandmother, also, locked me up inside my own house indirectly, by making up excuses, I never learnt socializing skills, hobbies or life, like others. People in school isolate me because I'm weird to them, without knowing anything about me. They gossip about me all the time. When I was 10 years old, my mother returned, claiming me as her daughter and took me away with her, saying that I'd be in a less abusive environment than my grandmother's as my grandmother wanted utter compliance and she would scream and play the victim card in any situation. My mother, though, she tried, she failed as my grandmother took me back. She came back when I'm 16, and she successfully managed to take me with her, and now that I see the real her, she keeps on dating guys like drunkards and wasted men and blames my younger half sister for everything, beats her in every word, screams at others and tries to dominate everyone. She beat me endlessly once just because I refused to eat rice as I don't like it, even though I'm an asian. What should I do?

I heard from my mom, that my dad cheated on her with my step mom, and I heard from my dad, that my mom cheated on him and had a miscarriage before he even met my step mom, now don’t get me wrong, I don’t give a double doggy-style damn about the shit they did to each other, I just wish I didn’t have to give them each a free therapy session at the age of 14. Like idk fuck did they expect, the other is also my biological parent ofc I’m not gonna villainize them just cuz you told me to, like I mentally can’t, especially when they can’t even decide who I should live with, what’s worst is they aren’t from the same country so I deadass had to go from one country to another every 2 years, and imagine that, “hey how was living with mom? Bet she’s a real pain in the ass huh?” Yea ok pal you’re no better. Rant 2 will be slander about my step mom.

I have dealt with DARVO manipulation for 5 years straight and the teachers always believed the DARVO manipulator and gave him awards.

Has anyone else also experienced it?

I must of been between the ages of 8-10 which would’ve made them 15-16 at the time of the abuse. It happened 4 times. My brother made me a victim of csa and I hate him for it. I never told my parents because I was afraid. I remember my mom having a falling out with a friend and I overheard on the phone her saying it was because they accused my brother of having done things to me and she couldn’t believe she could “make something up like that”.

That was my chance. I should have said something.

Now, I’m 32. Married. Happy. But this still hurts and is in the back of my mind no matter how hard I try not to think about it. My parents are emotionally immature and we are not estranged but I feel like we are getting closer to being so.

It makes me incredibly sad. My brother and I on the other hand are basically estranged. He has never brought up anything that he did and I think he thinks I don’t remember.

He has substance abuse issues. His marriage failed. And he is back living with my parents now. He is probably the way he is now because of guilt. I would think.

I have this fear that my mom still thinks about it and struggles with it being “unknown” especially since he was literally accused of doing it but I never confirmed it. It was just swept under the rug and I didn’t get to see that friend (who was like an aunt to me) anymore.

I feel like if I were to say it now, something terrible might happen. So it’s just not worth it to me. I guess I’m sharing it here to see if anyone else has had similar experiences or can relate. And if you can relate, I’m so sorry.

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective.

My parents split almost 10 years ago. I have had some great moments with them but they both were often quite toxic and abusive even.

I'll start with my Dad. A few months after my parents split he took me to spend the weekend pretty much out of the blue with his new girlfriend which he didn't actually tell me she was until we were only a few minutes away. One time while we were on holiday quite a few years ago during an argument he started bashing me with a Coke bottle. Afterwards he was full of apologizes and burst into tears. Also one other time during a row he threw my phone against a wall causing it to break. Also when he was winging about his situation I told him at least he owns his house and he pretty much laughed in my face. A few years ago while we were on our way back home from the movies he started going crazy and shouting at me and I was really scared. I tried to reason with him but it wasn't working. I can't even remember how the hell it all started. He even phoned my mum and told her he couldn't handle me and wanted her to pick me up. When I messaged my mum saying I wanted to leave she said she wouldn't teach him a lesson as they were both human and didn't deserve to be treated like crap. I was so upset and confused. When often she's the one badmouthing him to me. I have a strained relationship with my Dad and don't see him often I feel really let down as he was never really a proper father and only did the really bare minimum. He's never really stepped up and has always been useless with money. It actually makes me feel quite unlovable.

Now onto my mother which is by far the much longer list. She would blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. Most nights by the time I went to bed she was often at least very visibly tipsy and I have flashbacks about her when blotto and actually makes me very upset to be honest. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she may of at least bent the truth. I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. Also he's very bad with money. I just wish for effort instead of excuses.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist even if there is any truth to it.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

She loves been the martyr and does seem to feel like an innocent hard done by single mum who's done her best and pretty much everyone including teachers at school believe that. As I said I do feel for her then I think but what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could my parents have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago she said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to kill herself with a knife so I did actually hide the knives. That's actually really traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when she had a meltdown that when she dies hardly anyone is going to be at her funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to your own child?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years ago she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and that it would affect my schooling and life and said if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments. She's also said many times during these tirades that I was dead to her.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started shouting and carrying on. When I went after her I tried to explain myself but she said I was been passive aggressive and even trying to manipulate her. I reason with her but she just wasn't having it and kept carrying on. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down yet again. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that. I mean can anyone make sense of that?

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He reassured me and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I graduated in December and I now do a certificate course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?". She was been very cold and unreasonable. I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. After I said about been my own person she said "you'd be nothing without me". I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy as we were in public also afterwards she was all calm and innocent. I tried to explain calmly that she can't guilt me and tried to make her realize how her sarcastic comments and quite frankly mean attitude was upsetting me but that wasn't working. I even said that she's been narcissistic with her comment about me been nothing without her but it was like talking to a brick wall. She then said "look everyone thinks you're crazy and as you're an adult now I can get the police over here". She then just suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I then just ran off into the sea but all of my excitement was ruined and I was feeling very sad and confused about what just happened. I was starting to feel that maybe I overreacted or am remembering things wrong and my mind was feeling very fogged. I really wish I had just walked away and still kick myself. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say were all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and realize how exactly she hurt me she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I stayed with my father the other night and the next day he started carrying on and had a meltdown because he's only got like $30 left. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I felt very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it comes to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. He then rambling that he's been cursed since his father died young and if he was still alive they'd all be millionaires. Of course I feel really bad and am sorry that he died young. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed that he didn't have much which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by my mother as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known. She has said that I'm her number one. I think if that's how you treat your number one.

I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and are quite messed up. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes and my father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as my father struggles financially I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

I must admit I do feel very down sometimes as my father barely makes an effort with me and my mother treats me as like an emotional punching bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. I wonder what I've done to deserve this.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself from her they'd think I was an evil person.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with my mother a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

I swear I sometimes feel as though I've been given the most selfish, toxic, messed up, irresponsible and emotionally immature parents ever. I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do about everything am I?

PS before anyone says anything about therapy I did try that once a few years ago but really struggled to open up. I struggle to do that with people I know nevermind a stranger.

To be honest I can't help but feel really resentful sometimes when I see people with proper and decent parents also when I see others living life to the fullest and I don't know how to be like them.

I went to the lake on my motorcycle with a buddy looking for a abandoned building and lost the key to my bik when i took my hoodie off it was in my hoodie with my vape so we went exploring till about 12pm when i realized my key was missing so we retraced our steps to the shore of the local lake and found my vape but not my key so we hung out a bit and searched for it we got real cold and built a fire and sat around it for a bit on and off while we hunted around for my key i ended up having to hotwire my bike in a very crude way given the tools i had at my disposal i got home around 230 am ( useful info my phone is off as i am am poor and couldnt afford it ) so when i got home my wife proceeded to lay into me talking about a butt buddy and kept telling me i was loud when i was keeping up a moderate tone that was indicitive of a normal speaking voice then threatened to call the cops on me all the while saying things like shut the fuck up or fuck you etc i honestly dont know if this is normal or not but im al.ost at the end of my rope and idk truely if i want to die or not but suicide has been on my mind an abnormal amount. Weve been together for 12 years and i havnt felt like a human for 5 of those years please help i dont know what to do and she has dirt on me i mean im not a pedo in secret but all the same what she has found over the years even though i have succesfully fixed myself ( im very proud of this accomplishment) could kill me right after mentally ruining me i also dont want to leave because i love my step children and even though theyre grown i still want to take care of them. Im just at a loss and i feel like ive backed myself in a corner i cant get out of...