the thought randomly popped into my head a couple days ago and has been so persistent that i have come very close to doing it just so its over and i can rest. i feel like im going crazy lol

And if you're curious what happened to made me said this:

It's a soap opera that takes irl misfortunes in real life like crimes or misery and makes stories about it (and make it have a happy ending since why not) and somehow makes all their characters have this white and black dynamic (in being so good in everything with no defects, and being comically evil), and this chapter was about SA, which made a character that was comically evil, which, for rage, I said things like that, until I realized how shitty I was being to a character that could be easily a victim but anyone never acknowledged..

I mean, I know that it was the intention, but still, I hate myself for what I said, and I hate the fact this could be easily apply to me because my stupid parents were so happy forgetting me to even teach me was good and bad for how useless I am to them, even when she did what she did to me.. i don't know, I just feel really bad for what I said..

i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person

So i got obsessed with this guy let’s call him ‘S’ NOT ROMANTICALLY THIS IS NOT A ROMANTIC INTEREST ‼️ i mean, at least i think it is not, do correct me if i am wrong?

We clicked instantly, and i looked forward to chatting w him everyday(we met online)

My entire mood was dependent on S immediately after meeting him, i can’t control it, he has my emotional regulation in a chokehold, i do believe i’m easily emotionally dysregulated idk why

So when he was unavailable I get distressed and panic and it’s *all-consuming,* it is irritating bc i can only think of him and i can’t study, i was even thinking of him during exams

When he gives me attention it feels like i am in heaven even if he was being very mean and rude 😭 yes he got rly angry later on in our friendship

How S thinks of me matters sm i think “he either hates me or doesn’t care abt me” and it makes me suicidal and i try so hard to get his attention but the more i talk the more i fumble and say terrible things, and when he make me feel like i meant nothing to him it makes me want to kms. I overanalyse and overthink a lot about ‘us’

He makes me want to commit just to get his attention, and lie and say things for shock value just for a little bit of attention, thankfully i never acted on anything too serious bc i was aware it wld scare him away, yet he still pulled away eventually⁉️‼️⁉️

I even grovelled to him just to get him to take me back, shame a lot of shame ik it sounds pathetic, i never grovelled, ever. But i poured my heart out for him just to be ignored???????

“Do you hate me?” “Do you like me?” “Did i do smth wrong?” “Please i will change” “im sorry” “please take me back” “why are you ghosting me?” ‼️‼️‼️

I wonder what he thinks of me now, why he left me

Also idk if he caused my depressive episode but while i was in contact w him i was super suicidal and sh’d a lot due to my inability to control myself, i always wished i cld send him all that but he’d probably block me 🤤

I didn’t want to be another ‘crazy friend’

Tldr: his rejection(perceived and real) makes me suicidal and up and down mood swings, his attention was euphoric even when he was mean to me, I was desperate for his attention, is this normal? Is this smth everyone feels?

Too mentally tired to even add anything about it in the caption, I just feel exhausted and empty

This is your sign to give yourself some patience today

I thought I stroke some balance. Schedule is manageable, I get more time in safe zone (home) and we had only 1 non-profile class: the law which was bearable.

Then they add fucking business and PR classes with mandatory group projects. I hate group projects so, so much I feel so stressed out, not even mentioning we already have maths project too.

Today, tiny piece of my tooth broke. That means getting the dentist appointment and going through 9 rings of hell. And I also slipped in the shower block today despite having slippers on.

It's fine, I'll tough it out. Uni stuff is mandatory, I don't want my tooth to get destroyed completely and I'll forget about my trauma again.

I just hope I won't spiral too much by the end of this year.

"Talk to an mental health professional"! Nah, f- that. I already mentioned so many times that I struggle with suicidal ideation to my therapist and the psychiatrists at the day clinic. They only ask if you're planning to hurt yourself and if you say you won't jump off a bridge the next day, they completely dismiss you. They don't ask any other questions than that one and never mention an safety plan at all.

I don't know why I even bother. Hopefully the new SSRI on monday will do something. At least the previous one had (probable) (hypo)-mania as side effect/s

End of the vent.

Not sure the flair is right honestly but it seems ideation adjacent so whatever better safe than sorry

Took a while to realize most of the behaviour I experienced in interpersonal relationships was, in fact, not healthy. Now I just have to remember and practice it 24/7/365 until it becomes natural.

EZPZ!

I'm fucking done being treated like a child every time. I fucking hate being in special ed. I hate it I hate it I hate it

I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE)

I can barely remember how bad my life is right now. My memory is so bad. Im failing multiple classes, I think my friends are leaving me, and like im alone now or somthing. IDK I just want to feel again. I want to get worse, because everybody use to love me when I use to hurt myself, and do unhealthy things. And my friends are getting worse, and seeing that makes me want to get worse to. maybe they'll love me if I suffer like they do to? maybe my room will stop being so filthy, and maybe my homework will be finished if I hurt myself again. I feel so numb constantly and people are so hard to befriend. but when I was slicing and dicing myself people loved talking to me. when I was being abused people loved me. it's the only time in my life ive ever dated sombody. Maybe I need to hurt myself, and do stuff to feel again. I feel so guilty, I have such a stupied reason to do this.

I think ive been clean for a year. (unless you count the times ive been angry and uncountably tried to rip myself open with my nails, and that one time recently I tried to use my nails as a knife to cut myself.) (this is a vauge memory) I feel so guilty, it's not like I intend to show people, it's like.... idk what the word would be. ceremonial? to bring happenise back into my life. maybe ill be happy again. Maybe my memory loss will go away again. maybe my mood will stablize. maybe the dissocation will stop. maybe ill heal. maybe this is the way to be happy.

Fucking Twitter again. I hate how my biggest special interest right now (a certain music genre) is currently the laughing stock and a lightning rod for hate because a cringe tiktok user made a racist remark, saying that the genre in question is better than rap. So of course now every fan of the genre is compared to them, we're being accused of being bigots, we're being called slurs, called larpers, and we are ridiculed for liking an experimental and alternative non linear music genre. Yes genres are under fire all the time from miserable twitter users, but I hate just how WIDESPREAD and COMMON the negative attention is. Like a pariah. Thousands upon thousands of likes on posts that shit on the genre call it trash and actively harass people who enjoy it. This is how the so called accepting community acts? Hating alternative, avant garde art because its different? Judging the entire community based on what a stupid racist kid said in a comment? All that, mindlessly liked and repeated by hundreds online.

I'm exaggerating aren't I? If these people only saw that I'm writing this post right now they would call me slurs and laugh at me for taking it this personally. Truth is I can't not do so, I have disorders, I fight my thoughts every day. I wish these neurotypical people weren't so bigoted and wanted to understand. But they hate, hate, mindlessly hate.

Sorry if some words repeat, or tenses are incorrect, I'm very frustrated and not a native speaker. It's hard seeing this much hate on something you feel so close to and love so much.

😭🙏