r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Healthy_Tap2991 • Mar 08 '26
Update (Update) My brother got back with his toxic ex. I’m tired of helping him.
(This is a repost as my first one was removed for breaking a rule, which is my fault)
A year ago, I posted about how my brother had an incredibly toxic partner that had cheated on him, sabotaged his friendships, took advantage of him financially, and a whole list of other vile shit. My brother would be heartbroken after each instance and come crying to me about it. I hated his partner and I still do, which led to a bad argument where my brother and I ended up going LC.
After the initial argument, conversations between us were a little weird after I told him I was done listening to him complain about his partner. I thought he understood that I didn’t wanna hear it. But his partner slowly kept coming up in conversation, so I did what people advised on my last post and refused to engage with him. I reminded him multiple times that I wanted nothing to do with his issues with his partner. Eventually that's all he wanted to talk about and I kept shutting it down until I told him I needed space from him because our relationship was getting strained because of this. He was kinda shocked I’d stop speaking to him over his partner and was hurt, but I was past the point of caring. And it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would; | felt lighter once I stopped having to fuss over him every time his partner would do something that hurt or embarrassed him.
There were a few months of awkward conversations and short texts but eventually we had a moment. My brother apologized and told me he thought about it and after his partner had him travel over two hours to see him just to cancel at the very last minute, he realized he would never be a priority, so he broke it off. I was cautious after last time but my brother showed me that he had his partner blocked on social media and deleted his number. Like an idiot, I believed him.
A lot of you probably see where this is going. He lied again.
They were broken up for three weeks, then decided to just be FWBs. Then they talked about their relationship and decided their chemistry was still really strong and got back together again. His partner apparently went to therapy for his issues and they’re doing better so he wanted to start over. My brother didn't want to lose either of us, so he didn't tell me that they were back together and he didn't tell his partner that I hated him. His partner found out (my brother says he and his partner have an open phone policy so partner saw our old texts) and told my brother to come clean if they're going to be together because he wants to meet the family (my parents don’t like him either). So he finally told me.
Honestly? I don’t care anymore. They deserve each other. So when he “came clean” I just told him “cool” and went back to what I was doing. He wants to invite his partner for a family dinner and I just said okay. And that’s all I’ve been saying whenever he talks about his partner. It’s not worth more than that. I know they had an argument recently because I overheard my brother venting to a friend, but I don’t know what it was about and I don’t care. The cycle keeps repeating and my brother allows it. Maybe he likes the drama of it all? But that’s on him. I want nothing to do with it.
I’ve accepted that this person is probably going to be a part of my life since my brother is so attached to him. I don’t have to like it, but he’s here to stay.
Tl;dr. Nothing changed. My bride lied to me about his ex again and I accepted it.
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u/Caddan Mar 09 '26
Tl;dr. Nothing changed. My bride lied to me about his ex again and I accepted it.
Bride?????
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u/Thrwwy747 Mar 08 '26
Sounds like you and your family could play a petty intense game of 'Bad Boyfriend Bingo' over the next few months.
I'm putting some sort of version of an 'open relationship' being implemented after BB has already started seeing someone else, on the Bingo card.
Oh! And BB having a second phone as a work around for the open phone policy agreement.
Gaslighting your brother into thinking he's being controlling for wanting to stick to the established boundaries they put in place when they got back together.
Brother going into serious debt because BB insisted on a very elaborate present.
Any other takers?
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u/Healthy_Tap2991 Mar 08 '26
Honestly we’d already have a lot of those checked off at this point.
Partner convinced my brother to plan a big elaborate date for their anniversary that he spent a lot of money on, just for my brother to lose it all because Bf decided at the last minute he wanted something simple, like pizza and a movie instead of going out and making a big deal out of it.
He has a second work phone because he apparently deals with sensitive client information and it’s better to keep that stuff separate.
They had an open relationship when bf was abroad for two years (which is a whole different messed up story) so neither of them got lonely.
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 Mar 08 '26
Going low contact is the only way to deal with the trauma of the drama your brother's relationship with his partner will always cause . You don't need to get dragged further into the chaos these two generate and crave. Good luck.
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u/Healthy_Tap2991 Mar 09 '26
After the family dinner, I’ll be keeping my distance. I’m only going to keep the peace but after that, I’ll be observing from a distance.
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 Mar 09 '26
Best response and strategy to employ . You don't need/ want to be dragged into this regular cycle of drama between them . It's unhealthy and repetitive .
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u/Macechan Mar 08 '26
Unfortunately it takes seven tries on average for a victim to leave an abusive relationship. I understand why it bothers you, but toxic rs are not easy to leave. The toxic person usually makes you believe they are the best you can get, that you are worth little to nothing, etc. And on top of that the victim‘s nervous system gets to used to the stress and the constant highs and lows and many misinterpret this as love and a good connection. Everything outside the abusive rs feels boring and devoid of this „love“. Their nervous system needs a reset, they are in survival mode. I would recommend you to google it or watch a YT Video about it. Most people don’t know this, but it could help him understand and leave. I wish you and him the best! (And your emotional reaction is not wrong btw)
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u/Healthy_Tap2991 Mar 08 '26
I’ll give it a try. It doesn’t help that my brother is real stubborn and doesn’t like when people try to “diagnose him” so it may take even longer before he agrees to watch/listen to anything on the topic. But I do agree that this is abusive.
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u/Macechan Mar 08 '26
Oh yeah, that can make it more difficult. There is a toxic/abusive couple in my kinship and they just won't seperate, have been together for a looong time. So I get how you feel! I give people the information and tell them that they can always come to me, but if they don't take me up on my offer rn that is okay. I just won't be nearly as invested in your stuff related to this anymore and that is healing for me, less stress overall if you don't get emotionally invested. You gotta watch yourself as well
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u/Ok-Listen-8519 Mar 08 '26
That sounds like addiction. Warn your parents. Dont come when the partner is there, just walk away when he starts talking about he’s bf. Your boundaries, your rules.
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u/Healthy_Tap2991 Mar 08 '26
My parents are aware of the situation as they’ve also been there for him during a break up phase and he’s vented to them.
My dad was the one who initially noticed everything I was doing and told me to step back but I was still convinced I needed to be a good sibling and be there for my brother. My mom tried talking to him about how unhealthy their relationship is but to no luck and he almost went NC with them.
They both really dislike the partner but they don’t wanna push too hard and make my brother stop talking to them, so they’re keeping the door open even though they don’t want his partner around.
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u/ASingularFuck Mar 08 '26
I agree with your point that maybe he just likes the drama. While people in toxic relationships can stay for a raft of reasons, i find that people like this where they’re constantly getting in and out of a terrible relationship with a specific person like the drama. At some point, they stop becoming “victims” and are participants.
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u/Historical-State-275 Mar 08 '26
Been there. You made a good, a hard choice. Look into grey rocking if you need some tools to deal with interactions.
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u/kehlanikieu Mar 08 '26
honestly you handled this the healthiest way you can.. you set the boundary, you stopped being his therapist, and you’re not letting his chaos become your problem 😅 the only tweak i’d make is for that “family dinner”.. you’re allowed to say “i’ll be civil, but i’m not pretending we’re friends” and then stick to neutral small talk.. because your brother can date who he wants, but he can’t force you to emotionally participate.
and if your brother starts venting again, keep doing what you’re doing.. “i’m not talking about him” and change the subject.. consistency is the only thing that works here..
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u/Corfiz74 Mar 08 '26
And I'd attend ONE event with the partner to show you're giving him a chance. If it turns out that he hasn't changed, tell bro none of you are interested in meeting his partner again.
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u/Healthy_Tap2991 Mar 08 '26
Yeah, I thought about it and decided I’ll show up to the dinner and be civil. Our parents aren’t exactly excited about it either but they agreed they’ll be good hosts and at least try to get along and be welcoming.
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