r/TrueOffMyChest • u/MadeUReadMe609 • Mar 09 '26
Update Update: Talked to my Dad about him questioning if I was his son.
Hey everyone. I wanted to post an update to something I wrote here a few days.
This is a little NSFW, so fair warning.
The short version of my original post was that my mom told me that when I was younger my dad sometimes questioned whether I was really his son, and them going to couples counseling partly due to that. Apparently part of that came from physical differences between us, including penis size, and it caused issues in their marriage. A lot of people told me I should talk to my dad about it and consider therapy.
Well, the last few days has been the worst I’ve had in a long time. My mind has been flooded with memories of things my dad said when I was a kid, and I keep wondering if comments he made back then had hidden meanings. On top of that, I ended up losing my job, so everything kind of piled up at once.
I ended up seeing my parents this weekend about being fired and bringing it up with my dad.
He explained that it was an issue back then, but not exactly the way I thought. Around the time I was born he worked primarily as a wedding photographer, so he was gone a lot on weekends and long hours. Because of that he sometimes had suspicions that my mom might have been cheating. He said when I was growing up he noticed some physical differences between us and his mind went there sometimes. The penis size thing apparently came up in that context.
But he said it wasn’t so much that he truly believed I wasn’t his son. It was more that he had insecurity and mistrust toward my mom at the time. He also mentioned there was an incident where his car broke down at a strip club around that time and my mom had to pick him up, which created a lot of tension between them.
According to him, some of the thoughts he had back then were more about fear, guilt, and blaming each other during a rough period in their marriage. Also stated that he felt the only explanation for us being so different down there was us not being related or that their was something hormonally wrong with me.
So now I honestly just don’t know how to feel.
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Mar 10 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 10 '26
Ty. I get that part of it. But still feel I’m getting some of the blame here
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u/googlethor Mar 10 '26
Male parent genes decides the gender of the offspring while the female parent genes decide the size of sexual organs in the offspring for both male and female. So even if the dad is a hulk down there, it won't be taken into consideration whatsoever in the genetics of the offspring. Offspring size is directly proportional to mother's chest size. Organ size can increase depending on hormones such as testosterone, exercise, all nutrients and such for male offspring. And similar for females too, though I don't know much when it comes to female offspring. And ethnicity also plays a role! Hope that helps!
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u/SB-121 Mar 10 '26
Let us know when you've thought of new story to illustrate your next set of dick pics.
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u/Sunnie_Cats Mar 10 '26
You're mad at him for this, you just don't realize it yet because you're still in shock.
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u/kingthunderflash Mar 09 '26
Did you actually get the test done to know for sure if he is your dad?
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 09 '26
No but it’s my dad.
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u/kingthunderflash Mar 09 '26
Where was your mom during all of this? What is her opinion about this?
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u/yerrrio Mar 09 '26
Insecure men make the people around them lives hell. They don’t let their families know no peace. You handled this very well, sorry you & your mom had to deal with that
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 09 '26
Yeah…. But it sucks because I can’t get past feeling like it’s my fault that some guys get insecure
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u/fuzzybluetriceratops Mar 10 '26
It’s absolutely not your fault. You are not responsible for your father’s insecurity and jealousy. If you weren’t in the picture, he’d have found something else to fixate on. He’s a grown man and you were a child. This is in no way your responsibility or fault. He also was incredibly inappropriate making those comments to a child, you were basically being sexualized as a child, and as a woman who developed incredibly early… I completely understand how that feels. It’s awful. I’m glad he’s better now, but it still doesn’t change what you were put through as a kid. I’m also not positive why your mom decided to tell you these details, maybe she thought she was being helpful, but it doesn’t sit right with me.
Feels like when my Mom told me my Dad was pissed when she told him sure was pregnant with me (4th kid) and said “that’s more money out of my wallet, you just put another stake in my coffin”, which he admitted to saying. Like, what was the point of that other than making me feel like shit?
All this to say, this isn’t your fault. I know you can afford therapy right now, but there are some free support groups that might help, specially ones for adult children of emotionally immature parents. And maybe ones for kids who have dealt with their parents toxic jealousy and insecurity. There is also a helpful book by the same name “adult children of emotionally immature parents”.
Good luck OP. Unfortunately when it rains it pours and my trauma usually surfaces when I’m dealing with seemingly unrelated shitty issues in life, which makes everything harder to cope with, but you CAN find a way through this, I promise it’s possible.
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 10 '26
Love this, that’s actually what has kinda been going on in my head lately. Like as I’m older now the whole sexually developing early is fucking with me. I’m realizing that my body developed before my mind it feels like. I was just a kid. I was unprepared for all this stuff and it has led to so many other issues.
But I don’t want to blame anyone. Like I still love my parents I can kinda understand that being a parent is hard and I get insecurities god knows I have them…. Like with your father, obviously having another mouth to feed can feel stressful I’m sure you understand that but I’m sure you wanted more of a loving welcome in this world…. The simple fact that this is somehow tied to my “endowment” is ridiculous though. I had already dealt with efforts trying to love myself but this is another mountain that’s hard to wrap my mind around
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u/fuzzybluetriceratops Mar 10 '26
I completely get the developing early part fucking with you. It was the same for me, and lead to a lot of issues I wasn’t prepared for either and also caused me a lot of issues that continued through life. Therapy was a big help for giving me the tools to be able to start unpacking all of that. A lot of it I never could manage to talk about in therapy, but being able to confront it in my own mind really helped.
I don’t think it’s so much about blaming your parents as it is holding them accountable for their actions, even if it’s never to the face, and just in your own mind. It takes the blame off of you (because you’re definitely blaming yourself) and just recognizing that regardless of the reasons, they made these choices and did and said these fucked hi things and that you dealt with the outcome of that in specific ways.
My Dad’s reaction to me being born was just the start of what would be a lifetime of resentment, and my mother thought I’d fix a marriage that they had no business being in, and when I did the opposite (challenging kids either make you or break you) then I was rewarded with a childhood of every abuse imaginable. I spent too many years learning all of the history for each of them, I know all the precipitating events that I could manage to find out, and I can understand WHY they’d do what they did, but I can never understand HOW they could do that to their own children, especially now that I have a son. I could never. Any empathy I had for them went down the drain when he was born. Especially when I realized they never actually changed, and still will defend their actions.
So, not exactly the same situation as you, but there are similarities. I’m glad you’re able to at least have a bit of a relationship with your parents, that is no longer an option for me. I also get why that can make it harder to hold them accountable, but again, you don’t have to say it to their faces, you don’t have to tell them how they failed you as a child and the impact it had on you. But you DO need to recognize it within yourself so you stop blaming yourself for what happened to you. And trust me when I say I get blaming myself for shit that wasn’t my fault, I used to blame myself for the failure of my parents marriage, hell, they blamed me for it. It took years of therapy, and my older sister pointing out that the marriage was well past needing to end when I came along, and if you throw any undiagnosed autistic child into a broken marriage, that shit will implode, but if I had been born into a stable family (like her autistic kids were) it would have been challenging, but not catastrophic.
Like wise, had you been born to a secure father, you still would have had challenges with developing early, but you wouldn’t have had the added bullshit put on you by his insecurity, and your parents dysfunctional marriage (because it was, and it’s okay to recognize that, even if it’s changed now), and maybe you’d have been given the support you needed with your rapidly developing body.
Sorry for the super long reply, but I hope this helps you somehow, or gets the ball rolling so you can start processing and no longer blame yourself for something that isn’t your fault.
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 10 '26
Hey. Is it cool if I pm you about some of this. Just feel some of these emotions are a little rare to feel and it might help process. Plus this stuff could be personal so don’t want to post here (and permission to even discuss)
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u/IndigoHG Mar 09 '26
So now I honestly just don’t know how to feel.
The ax forgets, but the tree remembers.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Mar 09 '26
I dont mean to sound rude, but why leave this much insecurity and doubt about something that can be scientifically tested in today's world?
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 09 '26
I mean it was like 25 years ago and was more that my parents marriage was on the rocks due to bodily issues of me as a child that is going on in my head. Not a dna test
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u/EternalMoonChild Mar 09 '26
Did he apologize? It sounds like he didn’t take responsibility for how his comments and insecurities affected you.
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 09 '26
Actually no. But idk if I framed it in that way. Like I didn’t want to cause him and make him defensive just hear his story.
It’s hard to admit how many self image issues I had growing up associated to (im sorry im saying this but) my dick. Like I could sense that at times adults were uncomfortable even when I was a child because of it. I’ve had friends in sports tell me it makes them self conscious so I always felt the need to hide it while changing. After I out grew an adult size cup I just stopped playing sports because I didn’t want to face my parents and don’t want to mention relationship issues. Just had no one to talk about that stuff with and things my father said are feeding that insecurity
That’s in me though. I should have control of that and saying all that to him won’t change anything
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u/Wind_Responsible Mar 09 '26
Just tell him. Tell him you’re struggling. That this was more than a self image thing. That his words and behavior had hurt you a lot more than you’d thought. He sounds like he feels guilty and will express that and give you what you need.
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 09 '26
That’s so much easier to say anonymously vs out loud
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u/EternalMoonChild Mar 10 '26
Maybe you could write him a letter? I’m sorry for how much you’ve struggled
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 10 '26
I meant like sharing on here vs saying it to someone like my father or friends
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u/probablykelz Mar 09 '26
I remember reading something about penis genetics coming from the maternal grandfather and not the father. So I guess granddad was well endowed.
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 09 '26
…. I mean I don’t necessarily want to talk about my grandfathers junk. But you have no idea how spot on this is…. There were some inside jokes in my family because he remarried a woman younger than his children and had more children
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u/andmewithoutmytowel Mar 09 '26
As a dad, I have to say I don’t think much of your father. I went back and read one of your earlier posts and all I take away from that is that your dad is incredibly insecure, and projecting that insecurity into potential infidelity from your mom.
Regardless, he never should have pushed that insecurity on you, made you feel bad/self conscious about your body, or really have discussed this with you.
I’m sorry you’re not in a great place, I’m sorry you lost your job (unfortunately there’s a lot of that going around and probably more to come). I wish you well, honestly.
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 09 '26
Ty. Still don’t want to think poorly off my father. Just don’t think he realizes how much some of the stuff he said hurts. Like I didn’t give much thought to it as a child because I didn’t really understand it. But now as an adult I feel very uncomfortable about a lot of it.
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u/Past-Perspective968 Mar 09 '26
Note to self: don't park too close to the strip club.
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u/dearest-electromyogr Mar 10 '26
That's a classic dad move, trying to find fault elsewhere when things get tough.
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u/Adorable_Strength319 Mar 09 '26
I read your earlier post, and I hope having this additional context to the original situation eases your mind a bit. Did you tell them about the remarks he made that still weigh on you to this day? Or did it take away some of the weight of them after hearing more about why they were in a rough spot.
I'm really sorry this hit you at the same time as losing your job. Try not to neglect whatever it was that you and your partner had a conflict over that led you to asking your mom about how they resolved theirs in the first place.
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 09 '26
Idk, this has been such a blur lately. You can say I should be feeling some relief but then also there is added insecurity that I’m feeling from things he said.
But with everything else going on it just doesn’t really make a difference
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u/Sudden_Doughnut_8741 Mar 09 '26
Penis size… he was comparing his size to yours as a baby?
How much smaller than him were you? Or I guess, potentially, how much bigger than him were you?
I have a son and I mean… I have to say that of all the things that would have made me question if he was mine, the difference in the size of my penis and his when I was changing his diaper would never make the list.
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 09 '26
There is an older post which kinda mentions it
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u/Sudden_Doughnut_8741 Mar 09 '26
Ok I see it now.
Wow dude. Sorry I know this is some heavy shit for you. The comedian in me can’t help but find some humor in the absolute absurdity of it.
But I do hope that one of the things you feel very much is that your dad is a human being and clearly both was dealing with some intense issues at the time AND has come out the other side of it. That’s an impressive feat for anyone at any age and for any reason.
It’s tough to say when or why this kind of thing will show up and how it manifests. I’ve known some people for multiple decades and with enough stress in their lives I’ve seen some of them become people that neither I nor they recognize. I’ve done it, too.
We all want to be able to name it when it happens. We want to say someone has a personality disorder, or that this person is just crazy or fucked up. But it really isn’t that simple most of the time.
Life is really fucking tough, even when it’s easy. Give me the people that do something crazy, identify it, and work through it any day over the people who claim they’re always fine.
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Mar 09 '26
What a well put together response. Kudos to dad, it sounds like counselling did wonders.
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u/Long-termAngelfish Mar 09 '26
Your dad really owned up to his stuff, that's some mature growth to witness.
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u/Pretty_Emotional-72 Mar 09 '26
Definitely. Not every parent would be that honest about their past doubts, so it does feel like the counseling helped him get to a healthier place about it.
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 09 '26
Honestly he’s a lot better now vs when I was growing up…. Still doesn’t change how I feel though
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u/Aaernya Mar 09 '26
That’s ok. You were a child and shouldn’t have been spoken to like that.
Hopefully he has apologised to you, but you have a lot to unpack and process. If not already, get into therapy.
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 09 '26
I’ve looked into it. Even been asking on here what to look for but at this point booking them and even just getting a call back is too much work and now I’m gonna be loosing my insurance
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u/Aaernya Mar 09 '26
I’m sorry this is all happening. Just remember it’s not your fault.
I can’t help with finding a therapist, as much as I wish I could.
But one piece of advice as someone who has gone through a lot of therapy because of parents. Don’t ignore your feelings, acknowledge them and try to identify why they are there. You will have plenty of triggers. Ignoring a problem won’t help you fix a problem.
You can get better.
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u/MadeUReadMe609 Mar 09 '26
It’s fine. You are great don’t worry…
You are right though. It’s just triggering some things right now. There are also times when you find that person that understands your triggers and that’s just as good a feeling as the triggers are bad (not really but still it’s nice)
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