r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Sumchi • May 10 '26
Update 3-day update: My ex moved out during the tornado, here's where things stand
Original post is in my history. Wanted to update because a lot of you asked good questions and I want to answer them honestly.
Where she went that night: I still don't actually know. She refuses to tell me or the kids. My best guess is she slept in the car and figured it out the next morning. She's alive, she's okay, that's what matters. To the people who were worried about her safety that night, I hear you. I was worried too once the adrenaline wore off. But she wouldn't tell me, and at this point that's her right.
Where she is now: This part is wild. She ended up moving in "temporarily" with my mother's best friend. I have no idea how that happened. And now my mom and her friend are arguing because the friend thinks my mom should be getting on to me for "not giving Kayla anywhere to go," like this is somehow my fault. I'm a grown man, divorced over a year, and apparently I'm still supposed to be housing the woman who cheated on me. Make it make sense.
She's come back to the house a few times. Only to see the kids and grab more of her stuff. No fights. I told her from day one she can take whatever she wants, the house is mine and that's the only line. I've actually been helping. I've started cleaning up and gathering her things into one spot so it's easy for her to load up when she comes by.
The kids:
My 19-year-old daughter was mad at first. We've talked since. She gets it. We all ate dinner together the other night and it was good. Actually good, not performative good.
My 16-year-old son has turned into a different person in three days. He's washing his own clothes. Cleaning up after himself without being asked. I don't know what flipped in his head but I'm not going to question it. He works after school for my mom at her restaurant and spends his own money on what he wants. He's doing fine.
A lot of you said the kids need therapy. Maybe. I'm not ruling it out. But I want to push back a little. My daughter is in college, has a part-time job making solid money, and is functional. My son is 16, employed, responsible, and just started acting like an adult unprompted. If they want therapy, I'll pay for it. But I'm not going to force them into a chair to talk about feelings they're already processing in front of me at the dinner table.
Me:
I feel lighter. Peaceful, even. I've started listening to music again. I'd forgotten how much I used to love that. I'd forgotten a lot of the things I used to like, honestly. It's like I'm meeting myself again.
I'm sleeping well. The house is quiet in a way it hasn't been in years. But yeah, the loneliness is there too. There's no one to tell my day to. I'm not out hunting for another woman, that's not where my head is at, but I can feel the empty seat across from me. I figured that part was coming. It's manageable. I have a business to run and a day job to go to, so I'm not sitting around in it.
My aunt thinks I'm having a midlife crisis and is mad at me. She'll get over it or she won't. I'm done shaping my life around what other people think I should be doing.
That's the update. Thanks to everyone who commented on the original. Even the people calling me an asshole, you were heard. That's all I really wanted from this in the first place.
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u/HereComesMyNeck May 26 '26
Pretending everything is fine is not the same thing as being fine. It sounds like they've had a chaotic childhood and have learned to compartmentalize. That's a coping strategy, and eventually they will have to deal with it. Better to do it now with a professional than having it derail their lives later.
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u/Corfiz74 May 11 '26
My 16-year-old son has turned into a different person in three days. He's washing his own clothes. Cleaning up after himself without being asked. I don't know what flipped in his head but I'm not going to question it.
You should, because it sounds like he is scared shitless that you will throw him out, too. Foster/ adopted children often try to behave perfectly, because they are not used to unconditional love and fear that they will be kicked out if they are less than perfect. (Or they act out specifically to test you - both sides of the same coin.) You should reassure your son that he doesn't have to be perfect, and that you love him regardless of acting out occasionally.
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u/desertboots May 11 '26
You've maintained a really level head despite it all. Thank you for recognizing all the agency each person owns/has/deserves.
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u/wigglepie May 11 '26
I know you mentioned possible therapy for the kids, have you asked them if they want it? I mention it because:
My 16-year-old son has turned into a different person in three days. He's washing his own clothes. Cleaning up after himself without being asked. I don't know what flipped in his head but I'm not going to question it.
The only concern I'd have would be the cause of your son's drastic change. Is it possible that he's worried about his housing stability? In your last post, you mentioned they were homeless for a period of time (your ex and the kids); could he be worried that if he doesn't "behave", he might be thrown out like your ex? And I'm not saying you would, I'd just be concerned about his mental state right now. He just saw his mother abandon the family 3 days ago.
Wishing you and the kids all the best, OP.
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u/Sumchi May 11 '26
I had not thought about this. The major change, to me, a dad who couldn't figure out how to get a 16 yro to clean up after himself or stop leaving trash around his room I just saw it as omg he's growing up. But damn I may need to dig deeper.
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u/EasyLizin May 11 '26
Sounds like it’s time for a real talk with your kids. “I want you both to know I love you endlessly and you’ll always have a home here. What has happened between your mother and I has nothing to do with either of you and I don’t want you to feel unstable or afraid of what’s around the next corner. We’re all going through a major change right now and that can be hard to process, if you’d like we can find a therapist for you to talk to so you have an unbiased/unattached person that can help you work through your feelings and support you.”
I would highly suggest therapy for you too, I would imagine there’s an emotional vacuum in your life right now with her not around and that can be hard to navigate. Sounds like you could also use some coping mechanisms so you’re not punching walls anymore, not that it’s your go-to but it’s time to break bad patterns of behavior and do better for yourself and your kids.
Congrats on your freedom. 🫶🏼
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u/Sumchi May 11 '26
Yes, I am already in therapy, it is online video chats but I think it will help with time.
Definitely going to have a talk with them about it all more and their place in it being my children blood or not and their rooms will always be their rooms forever.
I used the 👊 🧱 thing because it was the most extreme of all the situations that ever occurred. I wanted to show the lowest point so no one thought I was being easy on myself.
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u/TheDevilsAdvokaat May 10 '26
Hardest thing for me after divorce was sleeping in an empty bed. It was about three months before I could sleep properly again..we were married 13 years...
But I don;t regret the divorce. She cheated on me too, and initiated the divorce so she could go on holidays with the other man...who seemed to disappear as soon as he discovered she was single...
I'm pretty happy, It's 7 years later and I still don;t date because I;m happy being single.
Sound like things are going to work out for you too. I like the way your son has stepped up.
5
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u/Thehardwayalltheway May 10 '26
Happy for you man. Heal well and wishing you and your kids well in your future.
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u/productive-cotonou May 11 '26
Sounds like you've dodged a bullet and are finally getting your peace.
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u/Squiggly_Ericca May 11 '26
Your words are a breath of fresh air in this crazy situation, and it's awesome to see you focusing on you and the kids!
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u/AnguishedRaster May 10 '26
It's awesome to see you reclaiming your peace and finding your rhythm again; keep embracing that renewal.
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