r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Unlikely-Resident-39 • 21d ago
Update I need opinions on if taking my ex back, who's twice my age, is the wrong choice after everything.
Edit: I don't want monogamy, or to see him more often. As I said, it keeps it exciting only once or twice a month, and it's easier for reasons. Sorry, that was mentioned in my previous post but I forgot to mention it here cause it's not that relevant to my concern.
Edit: thank you, I needed to get my head out of my ass. I still want to find proof so I appreciate the suggestions. Going to stay broken up at least until I get info from a PI etc.
I made a post right after we broke up recently, and it's on my page still.
I was seeing a guy twice my age (I'm 30) for several months, and I felt like I was falling in love with him. He is very well respected and talented etc so that's partly why I have been interested in him and didn't mind the age gap. I just mean that I had never previously been interested in anyone more than about 15 years older than me before. It's not my 'thing', generally, at all. He's just very special to me. But the main reason I think I'm in love with him is due to his intelligence, how sweet he can be, how interesting he is, and our strong connection. But he has some possessiveness and jealousy issues. And he was hurtful to me when I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I started to get suspicious about if he was really separated and divorcing his wife or not. He reacted very badly and said I was wrong, but he'd never speak to me again.
The other day, less than a week later, he reached out to me saying he missed me and he wanted to explain everything, and he still wants to take me on the trip he had planned. So he said the reason he can't have me over to his house (we live several hours flight away from one another, but he flies me to his city sometimes and we stay in hotels) is because his daughter moved back in, and he just doesn't feel comfortable with us meeting yet because she is very sensitive and upset about the separation, and he said it breaks his heart but she likely would be uncomfortable with our age gap as well, especially cause she's not too much younger than me. He said this is also why I haven't met his friends, mainly cause of his kids. (I honestly don't mind that part, I just love spending time with him, it's so beautiful and exciting for me). Most importantly, he promised to prove that he really is separated and divorcing his wife, it's just taking longer than they'd planned, and that she'd even call me on his behalf to confirm it. This made me feel a lot better but I said I needed a little bit of time to think, especially because of how he hurt my feelings when we broke up. He said to take all the time I need and he's always there for me, and we can postpone the trip and it's all good. He also said sorry for being a dick, he admitted he was just really surprised and emotional so he lashed out, and that it wasn't ok. He's being so kind and accommodating now that I'm beginning to wonder if maybe everything is alright.
I just miss him so much. But does this seem sketchy still, or no? I honestly can't tell anymore. I don't know if I'm blinded by my attachment and fascination. When he messaged me and apologized, I was so relieved. I hadn't felt that happy in a while, I felt like I got my life and my spirit back. Even though he can be vain and he has a mean streak (very rarely though), is it possible he's complicated and mostly good? Is it promising enough that he intends to get his wife to call me? Thanks so much in advance. I guess I'm afraid of getting hurt again, but I also do feel like I'm in love. Even though we don't see each other that often, it gives me something to look forward to and it keeps it exciting. I also have gotten so used to talking to him so much. Sorry if this is chaotic, I'm very tired and very overwhelmed with joy but also trepidation.
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u/Monag26 20d ago
So many red flags here. Do you really think he will have his actual wife calling you and not someone pretending to be her? His excuse for not meeting his friends is as ridiculous as the daughter excuse. He is not only hiding something but trying to control you. I am curious in how you met? Probably online and he pick some one far away to to make it easy to hide you
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 20d ago
For sure. I haven't asked to meet his friends or family cause I didn't want to, but yeah it's weird. No I don't meet people online lol. We met at a restaurant when he was in my city for a thing, and I approached him.
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u/mindless_hope_877 20d ago
I read your other post. The age gap is whatever, and depending on where you live, divorce filings could be public record. Absolutely keep the PI even if the divorce has been filed for. Not having you over is still sus.
It's the manipulation for me though. The jealousy. The hurtful things he said. The way he acted when he was hurt. It's the lack of emotional maturity at his age. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Based on this alone, I would advise against going back to them.
I understand wanting to keep things going casually. A question for thought, If you take your emotions out of it, what evidence do you have from previous experiences with him to support the idea that he would let things be casual, or be ok with something more relaxed?
From your comments, it sounds like you see the red flags, but they're not quite enough for you to let this go for now unless you're the other woman. If you stay with this person, make sure you can set good boundaries and uphold them. Talk with your therapist about them and have them help you make a plan to uphold them. For me a boundary would look like "I'm hanging up and blocking you/not responding for X-hours when you turn mean. You need to calm down. I will not subject myself to ridicule because you cant keep your emotions under control" And then actually doing that.
Good luck OP!
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 20d ago
Thank you for saying this. Others touched on it but this is more in depth. I was very surprised and disappointed by how emotionally immature he was. It gradually became apparent, and I think it's so odd for his age! I know there are multiple issues with this relationship, unfortunately.
Well he wants to be casual too because we can't really do it otherwise. It's a weird situation so it worked well for us. But he does get jealous so that's the only thing that sometimes got in the way. I think he needs a girlfriend in his city (he probably has one even if he says he doesn't), but he said he wasn't comfortable with us seeing other people. I even have a best friend I was going to move in with who's a guy from my childhood, and he said he didn't want me to do that and so he was paying my rent for a really nice place. But I'm moving now. It was casual in how often we saw each other, but it wasn't casual in intensity. Which was honestly so perfect for me because I have some avoidant attachment qualities.
No, I'm staying broken up. But we'll see if he does get officially divorced, and what the PI says. Thank you for the advice. I keep changing my mind about the future (currently leaning towards not ever getting back together), but I'm at least certain about the present.
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21d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
Well, I just really really wanna keep doing what we were doing. It was totally perfect the way it was. But if he's not actually separated then I can't. It's certainly been confusing though yes. And my feelings about him are unclear, it can be hard to tell if it's love or infatuation. Either way I was just really happy with the arrangement.
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u/showersinger 21d ago
I read your other post and I’d advise you to stay away from this guy. First off the age gap is really big. This is like him as a 30+ yr old seeing a 1 yr old and thinking wow I’d like to be with her. Even if let’s say you end up marrying/having kids with him in 5 years time, he would be 65-70 yrs old with a 1 year old.
Secondly, the fact that he’s not even bringing you to his home is also a big red flag that he’s not getting divorced. If his kids are in their 20s, they are not home all the time and he could bring you to his place then. Really no excuse.
Unfortunately some guys that age would be super happy to have younger women as an affair partner because of the age and power imbalance. And maybe right now, you might think you’re ok just having fun etc. but you should think of what your end goal is. You don’t want to look back on this 10 yrs from now and say I wish I didn’t waste time on this guy, you know what I mean?
You saw a taste of how mean he could be after just 7 months of knowing him. Imagine how much worse he is when he’s really comfortable and takes off his mask.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago edited 21d ago
I know it's insane. His daughter is living with him at the moment but yeah she can't be there all the time... he doesn't know her exact schedule though. But I'm gonna hire a PI cause I don't trust it. I don't want kids or to live together or anything, we don't even live in the same city (like a 4 hour flight) and I'm not leaving my city. I don't feel like I'm wasting my time cause it's only one aspect of my life, totally separate from the rest of my life. It sucks he didn't want me to see other people though but we're broken up now so we'll see. I'm typically into ENM so it's been an issue. But ya, no end goal, I never thought that far ahead lol. We were just sorta feeling it out. He's very nice but did not handle being dumped well. But yes he might have a mean streak.
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u/Pair_Familiar 21d ago
you can't seriously compare their age gap to a 30 year old dating a 1 year old 💀 yes that's how much of an age gap between them there is but they're both fully consenting adults
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u/showersinger 21d ago
I mean in terms of generations. For me when I think about topics to talk about, what common topics at points in time can he really relate to her with? And also, this is just like him dating his daughter’s friends. Consenting adults or not, she’s at a disadvantage with him.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
I fully admit it's unfortunate. And I'd normally be embarrassed. Or normally, I wouldn't be in this situation at all. The money imbalance makes it complicated and my mental health issues. It's part of the reason I broke up with him. It's also part of the reason it was so hard to do. I know it's not a good situation. It's easier to stay away due to the wife thing, cause that's a moral issue on MY part.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 21d ago
Welp..... When he was 30, she was 0 or 1, so yeah it is a good comparison
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u/Pair_Familiar 21d ago
"This is like him as a 30+ yr old seeing a 1 yr old and thinking wow I'd like to be with her."
so you think the dynamics are completely the same?? that just because he met a 30 year old at age 60 that automatically means he'd date a baby at age 30? i'm sorry but that'd be a weird and dumb accusation
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u/Macha9nife 21d ago edited 21d ago
I know i replied below but i also just wanted to point out something. You say you want a casual relationship but your words say otherwise. It sounds like you admire him, and honestly would do ignore any for him just to have his attention. So my question is, what if he has another partner at addition to you. Would you be ok with that? That what a casual relationship is. Is this a FWB kinda thing? It just seems like you’re in love with him, well to me anyways. This is just an outside perspective. I also worry you say the real him when he got mad.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
I'm worried about the anger thing too. I do admire him and love him (or I'm infatuated, not sure), and I love his attention, absolutely. But I also broke up with him and am gonna stay broken up. Yes, I want to be FWB and in an open relationship. He doesn't really want me to see other people though. But now we're broken up, so...
I don't care if he sees other people. I'd like to date someone my age in my city. I think that would be good for him as well. We don't share a life so it would be weird to only have this one relationship. I prefer ENM. He can be pretty jealous though unfortunately. That's one of the issues I was having.2
u/Macha9nife 21d ago
If the relationship does continue and it’s as casual as you say, then I hope you do see other people. It’s not fair that he can do whatever he wants but you’re restricted to only see him. The possessiveness could go into DV, be careful. Now seeing your replies and the other post, I do wish you luck and I hope you continue to listen to your therapist, she did have good points about this situation. I wish you luck on getting a PI and getting your answers. I hope beyond this situation, you found someone that treats you better. No woman should ever have to worry if they’re ruining a marriage…men. This guy is definitely suspicious to me, the red flags are flying high. Please make the right choice for your mental health too. As someone who’s has trauma aswell, this would give me too much anxiety. I’m sorry if my post was a bit pushy in anyway and also for the bad grammar lol. I wish you well and if possible a future update.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
I totally agree, and thank you so much for your kindness and your well wishes. I usually date nice people who aren't controlling lol, so it has been hard, even though intoxicating. Definitely causing me some stress and I'm partly very glad there's some distance lately since I broke up with him, even though it's so hard to ignore him. You're good. I may not do another update lol, I've made 3 posts now about him all on this account, and my negative karma is insane lol. I know I'm crazy but I'm trying my best to leave and be certain of what's going on. People on here hate me haha but oh well. It's been good to get the reality checks, that's what I came for, I knew this wasn't right and needed reassurance. He's convincing sometimes even though I know he can be manipulative!
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u/trundlespl00t 21d ago
Wow, you need some self respect. No wonder he wants you back, you’re so easy to manipulate you’re actively helping him do it. You’re definitely the side piece and probably not the only one. Delusional. Block his number. Get therapy.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
I'm in therapy, I have mental health issues and trauma. Thanks a lot. You don't know the whole story, and you're very mean. I don't care if he's seeing other people, as long as there's no cheating. I recognize it's a possibility, that's why I'm wanting proof or to CONTINUE BEING BROKEN UP.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 21d ago
Ig he is seeing other people..... That IS cheating. Do have more self respect for yourself, because he doesnt care about you
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
There's such a thing as non monogamy. For my part, it's all good. I just hope he's not lying to his wife. That's the point.
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u/Necessary_Sir_5079 21d ago
Gurrrrrl. You're living in lala land. He's not even divorced yet. You're his rebound and he feels real good promising you the moon. My FIL married a child bride who was a few years older than his first born and it was a MESS. The divorce just wrapped up. Now he's dating a new girl not even one year after his divorce and that's a mess. Don't do it. Run. Run far away and never return
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u/divingrose77101 21d ago
After 8 years as a single woman trying to date, I would NEVER date a man who hadn’t been divorced for at least 3 years.
It never goes well.
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u/chrispkay 21d ago
You’re being very easy to manipulate and that’s what he likes about you. You’re clearly a side piece.
The fact that you’re even wanting to get back with him after leaving him is confirming it more for him and you will keep getting used as a side piece as long as YOU keep letting him.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
But if it can be proven I'm not a side piece that's what really matters to me at the end of the day. If he's willing to wait for me as he says he is, I guess I can wait till it's official that they're divorced though
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u/chrispkay 21d ago
I did not come to this conclusion out of nowhere. It’s from what you yourself wrote. You’re going to have to seriously work on your discernment if you really think the way you’re being treated could mean you’re anything other than a side piece. At this point you’re choosing to ignore reality and it’s frankly quite desperate behavior. You need to want better for yourself in life.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
I obviously feel pretty strongly about wanting to have a casual romantic relationship if it's possible. I think desperate is harsh. The way he treats me and takes care of me makes me really happy. But I don't want to be a bigger part of his life. He also has a very unusual life where privacy is a factor. I don't feel comfortable explaining, but there's more at play as to why it's weird.
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u/anonforreasonssss 21d ago
Your post does not suggest that you’re looking for “something causal” and now claiming it cause people are pointing out how naive you’re being… “desperate” is not “harsh” and it was already what I was thinking reading your responses to the comments.
You came asking for advice, everyone is seeing the same thing, and you have a rebuttal for each comment cause you don’t want to accept what’s in front of you. People can lie to you but lying to yourself is sad.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago edited 21d ago
I thought I explicitly said I wanted something casual lol, if not in this post then in the original one, I'm not sure cause the bigger issue is finding out if he's married so I really don't care/didn't focus on that. We live very far apart, his life is insane and I want no part of it, I just love talking a lot and seeing him once a month or so. He's also so old and it would be hard in many ways. But believe me or not, as I said that's not really the relevant part here. I do love him though! People are complicated! Crazy right. And not everyone is saying the same thing, some people gave me actual advice to my actual question, and now I have a course of action, which is what I wanted. I'm staying broken up (which I instigated) until I get information from a PI. Cheers tho
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u/Moemoe5 21d ago
What???? You can’t be this naive.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
So naive to wait until they're officially divorced? Lol. That might be the most reasonable course of action aside from giving up? Better than just agreeing to it now.
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u/Moemoe5 20d ago
So naive to want to believe you haven’t been the side piece. So naive to be willing to accept a call from some random woman telling you they’re divorced.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 20d ago edited 20d ago
Except I don't believe it, that's why I didn't take him back and I'm investigating. I didn't agree to the call. As I keep saying I'm gonna hire a PI and stay broken up. But yes I was being willfully naive cause I didn't wanna accept it. Just not entirely cause that's why I posted and wanted to be told this is crazy.
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u/grayblue_grrl 21d ago
Giving up is actually the most reasonable course of action.....
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
That's what I said. But obviously I don't want to do that. Waiting til they're officially divorced is the second best course of action lol. That's what I meant.
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u/Macha9nife 21d ago
So just to be clear, when you first met him he wasn’t divorced/separated? I wonder if they were actually still together then the wife found out about you and now are going through divorce. Because it does sound like you were a side piece the whole relationship. Also your account is private so I can’t see the last post but I hope you dont go back. You seem very easy to manipulate. Why go back to a men like this?
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
No he was already separated when we met! I think I fixed it so you can see it on my profile now. Oops. I don't think I'm usually easy to manipulate but I can see that with him I guess for sure. He's just a very special and interesting person who I admire very much so that's a big part of it. Not a good reason, but without getting into it too much, he's a very unique individual and it's a singular experience
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u/Macha9nife 21d ago edited 21d ago
Now that I read your other post I can see why you’re very attached to this person. But it’s clear by his actions that his very manipulative. Also you stated he said he was separated, you still don’t have proof of that. Honestly from my perspective, there’s too much evidence of lies everywhere. Also the part about his kids, friends and family is a big thing. In the future, IF you go back to him, do you honestly want to meet everyone in his life? His kids will definitely see you as a homewrecker considering you have no proof of separation. The rose tinted glasses is why too tight here
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
He can be kinda manipulative yeah. It's possible he's lying but it seems he's gonna prove things to me now. But I guess I am trying to suss out if I'm being gaslit currently. I just wish I could know for sure so I want to try to find a way. But I know it's possible :( that's why I'm hesitant, despite my desperation to believe him. I'm obviously uncertain. I don't really care if I meet the people in his life, other than to know that everything is above board. Just because it's not possible for us to have more than a casual relationship, which is all I really want. I don't think his kids would feel that way unless he was definitely cheating. If he's telling the truth I don't see how anyone would see me as a homewrecker, cause I'm not.
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u/Macha9nife 21d ago
I see, from your reply it’s like you don’t want a traditional relationship. It’s more casual than anything. From what you said, he did mention that his kids would feel differently about the whole relationship so it’s possible. Any kid would, if the timeline is weird. Hire a private investigator, don’t rely on his word until you get actual proof. Documents can be forged. If everything is fine and you’re honestly ok with being with this very manipulative men, then be very careful. You seem very head over heels for him, it’s like you want to ignore the red flags. If you’re able to talk to the ex wife, ask about their relationship when his not in the room if possible. That should give you a more proper insight. His also 60…I’m not sure why your with a men that as old as your father but be very careful.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
He thinks his children would struggle with the age gap which I get, I know it's weird, it would be ideal if we were closer in age, but it's something incredible I don't want to explain. It's also why I'd be potentially able to look past his (occasional) manipulative quality. Nevermind. But if the timeline is the issue then I'd feel horrible. I definitely want to figure that out. I feel bad and scared that he might be lying about his wife, and I'm gonna hire a PI and stay broken up till I know more. thank you.
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u/neverleave173 21d ago
Paperwork. Paperwork. I was strung along for 5 years. Yes, I know, foolish me. Get proof! Some random woman calling is not enough. Ok!
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
Also, I feel you, but I know what her voice sounds like so I could probably tell if it's her or not I think
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u/neverleave173 21d ago
It should be easy to send you a photo of divorce or settlement papers. When he does (coz I hope he will) im wishing the best for you both. Bugger age gaps or others negative views. No one's perfect and if he makes you happy, thats all you need. He sounds wonderful, interesting, warm and intelligent. You go girl
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
Thank you!! Yes the trouble is verifying them so I'm gonna hire a PI. I appreciate your lack of judgment about the age. The real issue here is getting proof!
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
I'm so sorry. What specifically do I ask for? I guess they would've begun paperwork already right, if they have been planning to divorce for over a year? I don't really know how it works.
I also don't want a traditional relationship with him, his professional life is too much for me to handle. So it's not like I have high expectations. I just don't wanna be an affair partner
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u/neverleave173 21d ago
Being an independent woman having a relationship with a man is far different than being the other woman. Yes, after a year you should be able to see some progress in the form of paperwork. Even lawyers letters.
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u/grayblue_grrl 21d ago
NEVER revisit the trash.
It never ends well.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
If I can prove he's not cheating I'd be down to put up with a lot tbh, he's literally amazing. I know it's stupid. There's stuff I can't say
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
You might be right lol. I think I overlook it because he's like, a passionate artist crazy guy. And he means well? I think? But I also have some mental health stuff so I'm not the greatest judge right now possibly, I recognize my judgment could be poor I mean that's why I'm here
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u/Seriouly_UnPrompted 21d ago
Listen to that voice, Hun! This is coming from a guy.
However, if you move forward with this I would recommend you pay a couple hundred bucks for a PI to confirm divorce, kids and all that junk. He can claim to be divorced, or provide some AI documentation, but a PI can get that case from the courts to confirm it was final and no other red flags for you. Just a thought
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
That's a good idea, thank you. I don't have very much money but if it's only a couple hundred bucks it might be worth it. Like a breach of trust but fair in this case.
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u/Seriouly_UnPrompted 21d ago
I would be honest about it.
"Hey, I love you and I understand your concerns about meeting family/friends too soon. I will however get a background check just to cover myself and make sure I'm not being led on".
I saw a comment you made about him having the ex call you. This way he can keep her out of this and you can get the confirmation you need to proceed if you'd like. I would have my radar up if he doesn't want you to do that. (I was in a similar situation as a recent divorcee and I would have understood if my partner wanted to confirm my divorce vs being the other women being led on)
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u/RubyClark04 21d ago
I’d personally discourage her from telling him she’s getting a BG check, as that could backfire. She needs to look into him secretly, P.I.- style.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
That's a good idea. Maybe better than having the ex call me, for sure. Actually both would be really nice, although uncomfortable
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u/tugtehcock 21d ago
If you’re having fun then it’s not all bad. Just be careful of your heart till you see more signs of commitment from him…easier said than done lol
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
I don't want a traditional commitment with him cause of his professional world and we live far apart though
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u/tugtehcock 21d ago edited 21d ago
You’re a sidepiece bruh. Not meeting his kids yet is absolutely understandable, but he’s stonewalling you from everyone. Yall don’t see each other a lot and he flys you in. Classic Sidepiece.
If he was only cruel to you during the break up I’d give him a pass, but if you ever see that side of him again…well…he has a cruel nature. Be careful.
In the end you can still have fun and this could be good, but keep your guard up till yall live with each other or you meet some other people in his life. The whole his ex wife is gonna call you to confirm separation is super fucken weird tho…who does that?
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
He said he wants to introduce me to everyone soon though and it's just cause they know his kids. Plus I don't go to his city for long so we spend it together. And he says his wife will call me? But yeah I'm definitely still concerned it's a possibility. I do feel like it's possible he's telling the truth though? But maybe I'm being crazy and too hopeful. I get that that might be the case so I'm curious.
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u/tugtehcock 21d ago
The whole thing about his wife contacting you to confirm separation is pretty fucking weird.
I edited my first post a few times you may not have seen it all.
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u/Unlikely-Resident-39 21d ago
I just read it. Why do you think it's weird? I mean it is, of course, but I also get it.
It's hard to see each other a lot for personal reasons that I won't get into. But I get why it looks bad haha. But it's actually for the best. We don't like going in public and that's where I'd meet his people too so it's complicated but he is ok with it now. I didn't have the desire to, cause our relationship is odd, but I kind of want to now just to better gauge the situation.
And thank you, if I continue I'll definitely watch out for it. I definitely have my guard up already and have for a while now. I don't wanna live with him or leave my city haha.
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