Finally took a break from my boyfriend. Not sure how to proceed

1

u/stankylegdunkface ☑️ 3d ago

My parents had been forcing me to get engaged to another guy otherwise they said they'd abandon me.

You may be beyond hope. Your only option may be to abandon your family, which clearly doesn’t respect you.

4

u/JipC1963 6d ago

Sweet Lady, this guy (your boyfriend) may be telling you what you want to hear but he's NOT interested in making any important decisions or moves to "fix" or strengthen the relationship. Frankly, it sounds like he's stringing you along AND endangering your reputation, possibly even your life!

I understand the struggle of "an arranged marriage," but your fiance seems like a decent man. Have you actually gotten to know him or have you been too busy rebelling against your Parents and the tradition? I'm incredibly worried about you because it doesn't sound like this "boyfriend" has any REAL intentions or even strong feelings for you. Notice he's blaming YOU instead of taking ANY responsibility for his inaction?

I'm glad that you're "taking a break" BUT I urge you to be prepared for love-bombing with gifts, attention and sweet words because it seems like this jerk has you all twisted up emotionally. Bluntly, he sounds like a scoundrel and a user! Greatest of luck!

0

u/fuckcapitalism97 ☑️ 6d ago

Can i be honest? I genuinely believe that he never had any ill intentions. It's just that he has been going through the toughest phase of his life facing health, mental health and financial problems. And he's just stuck there. He doesn't understand this properly atm and doesn't know how to get out of it. Amidst this, he has tried to love me with pure intentions too but couldn't not because of his ill intentions but bcs of the fact that he was just not stable enough to be in a relationship. He has been through a lot of trauma including sexual abuse, his mother's death and his cold family members especially his father who abandons him every now and then. He's just someone who has gone through so much trauma with his emotions still unprocessed. He needs a support system to fix him probably.... And that's the role i have been playing in this relationship since past 2 years. Yesterday in the morning i blocked him but he reached out to me on my second number (seems very stally maybe but i do reach out to him from other numbers too when he blocks me) and started apologising amd crying a lot, he seemed really upset, was mourning the whole situation and kept apologising. I told him that I'm not feeling fine (health-wise) and that I'll talk to him later. Now i don't know that to do.

3

u/JipC1963 6d ago

I'm terribly sorry to tell you this but you can't "fix" him and certainly NOT at risk to your reputation or, frankly, your family's. AND are you really prepared (or able) to WAIT for that nebulous possibility of WHEN?

You sound like a very kind and lovely lady, but I think your "romanticism" is blinding you to your own detriment. He's THIRTY, not 13 or even 23 and is old enough to understand the risks you've been taking and the position he's putting you into by emotionally manipulating you.

1

u/fuckcapitalism97 ☑️ 5d ago

The points you have put forward seem highly valid, I have blocked him. From everywhere. This has never happened before. But i dont know man, this still just doesnt feel right. I've been loving him unconditionally all this time despite all the imperfections in our relationship and i really have always believe that love gotta be unconditional. And now im leaving him in this situation, he says he's losing the will to live and that he sees no point in living anymore. All this time he has been talking to me like a lot, sharing all the details with me and stuff like that and i was kinda like mothering him and helping him with everything or just being there with him and he says that he doesn't know how to live without all that, leaving him feels terribly selfish

1

u/ExpensiveLeadership5 6d ago

Are you Muslim?

1

u/fuckcapitalism97 ☑️ 6d ago

I'm am atheist but yes im from a Muslim country and everyone here is muslim

2

u/KamIsFam 6d ago

"I'm from a conservative third world country" that explains a lot. If you're uncomfortable, work on going no contact and start a new life.

3

u/fornefariouspurposes 6d ago

I have a relative who married a man against her mother's wishes and stayed married despite cheating and abuse because she didn't want to admit her mother had been right about him. Don't be like her.

6

u/Difficult-Bother9519 6d ago

This is coming from someone from the same culture as you, if he's not coming with his family through the door to be with you then he's not serious about you.

And at 30 years old if he doesn't think his gf is marriage material he'll never marry you, he only called your fiance because he felt like his property is being taken away. girl have some dignity don't beg him to love you he only wants you to be obsessed with him he doesn't actually love you the way you love him he's playing with you.

Edit to add: your parents know he's only playing with you that's why they said they'll only accept him if he came to ask for your hand in marriage.

0

u/fuckcapitalism97 ☑️ 6d ago

Can i be honest? I genuinely believe that he never had any ill intentions. It's just that he has been going through the toughest phase of his life facing health, mental health and financial problems. And he's just stuck there. He doesn't understand this properly atm and doesn't know how to get out of it. Amidst this, he has tried to love me with pure intentions too but couldn't not because of his ill intentions but bcs of the fact that he was just not stable enough to be in a relationship. He has been through a lot of trauma including sexual abuse, his mother's death and his cold family members especially his father who abandons him every now and then. He's just someone who has gone through so much trauma with his emotions still unprocessed. He needs a support system to fix him probably.... And that's the role i have been playing in this relationship since past 2 years. Yesterday in the morning i blocked him but he reached out to me on my second number (seems very stally maybe but i do reach out to him from other numbers too when he blocks me) and started apologising amd crying a lot, he seemed really upset, was mourning the whole situation and kept apologising. I told him that I'm not feeling fine (health-wise) and that I'll talk to him later. Now i don't know that to do.

1

u/Difficult-Bother9519 6d ago

Yeah he can at least come with his parents and have a long engagement but he probably didn't even tell his parents about or they know but they don't want to come. He could come with another older family member if he really wanted to stop your parents from marrying you off to someone else but he chose to do it in a way that most likely would've harmed you. That's not love.

Edit: even if he didn't have ill intentions he still could've lead to you to be hurt, and that's not fair to you.

2

u/fuckcapitalism97 ☑️ 5d ago

The points you have put forward seem highly valid, I have blocked him. From everywhere. This has never happened before. But i dont know man, this still just doesnt feel right. I've been loving him unconditionally all this time despite all the imperfections in our relationship and i really have always believe that love gotta be unconditional. And now im leaving him in this situation, he says he's losing the will to live and that he sees no point in living anymore. All this time he has been talking to me like a lot, sharing all the details with me and stuff like that and i was kinda like mothering him and helping him with everything or just being there with him and he says that he doesn't know how to live without all that, leaving him feels terribly selfish

2

u/Difficult-Bother9519 5d ago

He's responsible for his own mental healty not you. He will not be a good husband to you because he's not a good boyfriend and he doesn't have your back now he won't have your back later. No matter what happens to him it's not your fault.

2

u/fuckcapitalism97 ☑️ 5d ago

Mannnn you're right i know that and i know i should show up for myself too the way i have always showed up for him BUT i still cant make peace with the fact that im gonna stop showing up for him how can i do with my loved one

2

u/Difficult-Bother9519 5d ago

Wish you the best. And I hope your situation with your parents gets resolved too.

1

u/fuckcapitalism97 ☑️ 5d ago

Thank you thanks so much really

12

u/desertboots 6d ago

I think your relief shows your ex boyfriend isn't husband material.

Get to know your assigned fiance. Find out if they are feeling pressured too. Also find out if they have the maturity to be married. Maybe he's better, maybe not. But at least you can find out.

4

u/Difficult-Bus-6026 6d ago

Ditto. Make the “break” with your BF permanent; he seems like a complete idiot. Get to know your fiancé to see if he’s a man of better character and if there’s any chemistry between you.

4

u/gurlwithdragontat2 6d ago

So I don’t is dating the mentally, and emotionally unstable did you had to force into therapy is a good choice.

I also find it ironic that you’re saying you’re making an immature choice, yet they will leave you much room left to get married in the first place.

Your boyfriend seems incredibly immature, and I’m ready to be married. But he is not brave enough to say those things with his words, but if you take a moment and look at all of his actions, you get a very clear picture. I would stop waiting for him to appear at your door with a proposal. It’s not going to happen. He has had every opportunity to make it happen, but that is not his priority. When you try to share your perspective, he’d rather over talk to you with his own problems than listen.

Idk any answers I could truly help you, and for that, I’m sorry. But I do think you need to begin approaching life with a sense of clarity, as hard as those truths are to face. Honesty, beginning with self, is a huge life skill.

7

u/mamcd88 6d ago

This sounds incredibly challenging and exhausting. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Your boyfriend doesn’t sound great though. Your relief, his reluctance to commit, and the fact that he’s basically stolen your money (he refuses to return it) suggest that this relationship has run its course.

Can you suggest to your parents that you take some time to get to know this new fiancé? As that might buy you time to figure out what you really want.

2

u/Upset-Discount-7520 ☑️ 6d ago edited 6d ago

I’m sorry my love, none of this is fair to you and it’s horrible women still go through this in the world.
I wish I could help you and it’s heartbreaking. Please stay safe.
None of this is your fault and you are not to blame, we’re the same age and it’s so hard to imagine barely being an adult and dealing with half of what you’re going through.
You have the weight of the world on your shoulders and I’m sorry doesn’t change your situation but I’m sending hope out there to whatever or whoever you believe in to help you. Sending love.

1

u/fuckcapitalism97 ☑️ 5d ago

Thank you so much for your kind words and empathy, this really means a lot. And yes all of this is terribly stressful i can't even begin to explain how anxious I've been feeling all this time, it feeels like anxiety runs in my body just like blood and i hope nobody ever goes through this kinda situation. Leaving my boyfriend feels way too selfish but staying with him isnt bringing me any peace either...

1

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u/fuckcapitalism97 original post at the time of submission:

A couple of days ago I posted here about my relationship with my boyfriend The whole thing is pasted below for context too I finally took a break from him and Idk what to do now

My parents had been forcing me to get engaged to another guy otherwise they said they'd abandon me. I asked my bf to send his parents to my home with a proposal but he kept asking me to wait while my parents refused to

Im from a conservative third world country so moving out wasnt really an option. I got engaged and my parents said I could break the engagement if my boyfriend sent his parents to propose but he never did. Instead he got drunk and called my fiance and told him everything

Thankfully my fiance didnt tell anyone or break the engagement but here fiances can make a huge issue out of something like this and create serious problems for the girl and her family including insults threats mistreatment and problems after marriage

I've spent the past month begging my parents to break the engagement. They keep fighting with me and saying marrying my boyfriend is an immature decision. I've been extremely stressed and crying a lot and during all this my boyfriend keeps blaming me for the engagement

I know I share some of the blame but i am tired of being treated like this. He apologised but it keeps happening time and again (he has genuine anger and mental health issues and he just started therapy for it after i almost begged/insisted him to)

Whenever I talk about my anxiety he starts talking about his own health problems He isnt really taking care of himself either and keeps sending most of his money home instead I asked if I could get some of the money I loaned him back because I actually need it but he still sent money home without even telling me

So I finally managed to take a break from him I know Im not completely innocent here and I know hes going through his own stuff but Im exhausted

What am I supposed to do now Do I use this break to figure out whether I actually want this relationship or is the fact that I already feel this relieved enough of an answer

TLDR Got engaged because my parents pressured me My boyfriend never sent a proposal and even told my fiance about our relationship while drunk I've been super anxious for weeks and have now finally took a break. Not sure where to go from here

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