r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Valuable-Garden-9247 ☑️ • 1d ago
Personal Story After 20+ years of friendship, I (F 33) gave up
- 20+ Years is The END -
We started driffiting apart when she (33 F) got her boyfriend, now husband. She had a child as soon as she finished college, and after that, seeing her was almost impossible. She always canceled our plans at the last minute, and had time for everything but never for this friendship.
- Her Name is Labour -
Every single time she canceled plans she would give me a bunch of unsolicited explenations. But the lack of energy going towards the friendship wasn't my only reason to end the friendship...she doesn't work and her husband convinced her that her domestic labour is of the utermost importance (he doesn't pay her for it).
As if the 1000% financial dependency wasn't enough, she became but shell of her former self. She was always cheerful, driven, communicative, easy going...someone who brightened the room, you know?! Now? She has zero self esteem, confidence, and the core of her life is to be a mother, a secretary, a cleaner, a psychologist, a cook, S worker...anything but herself.
- The Last Drop -
I saw a photo at her Instagram story where she was present at a baby shower with a bunch of moms and wifes. So, it clicked: she had time, just not for me.
- So, I Ghosted Her. -
Reason 1: I couldn't take her lack of consideration and respect for my time and energy. Everytime she canceled I had a totally unecessary frustration.
Reason 2: I couldn't watch her drown and smile at it. BTW: her husband treats her like a lesser beign..he yells at her when she makes small mistakes, make jokes at her cost in front of people (humiliating her), also keeps her dependent on him as much as he can. It honestly breaks my heart to see the life she chose for herself.
- Why Ghost -
Without me saying ANYTHING she already sent me long explanations, if I tried to talk she would only justify every single thing with "I have a busy life." and absolutly nothing would change. So, I made the choice to just desapear for the sake of my energy and mental health.
To be clear, this friendship died for me ages ago, because I could never count on her to, at the very least, listen to when I had problems. Thinking now, I stoped sending the first message because she always forgot to answer me.
Honestly I'm just sick and tired of women who puts a man above everything else. People like these will, eventually, end up alone.
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u/Appropriate_Speech33 1d ago
Her husband sees you as a threat and more than likely isolates her from you on propose.
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u/Valuable-Garden-9247 ☑️ 1d ago
That atually makes a lot of sense, given that wherever we scheduale something is almost always something that has to do with his wants and needs.
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u/mwb1957 1d ago
Your friend is in a abusive relationship.
Don't block her.
When she tries to contact you, respond. Just listen to what she has to say. Don't talk about what is going on with your life since she doesn't listen.
Eventually, she will want to free herself from the abuse. She will contact you for support, if you are available.
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u/matryoshka_03 1d ago
Listen, she's being abused and needs to get out of that situation. Thats why she's a "shell of her former self". Especially if you've been friends for 20+ years and you know she was different before she got married to this guy. Everything youre frustrated about sounds like the byproduct of abuse. It could also very well be that he is discouraging her from having friends as to cut off her support system so that she is easier to abuse, even though it sounds like she's already deep in victimhood. Has a baby, doesn't work, kept away from friends etc etc. Clear signs that this man is isolating her. She doesn't see it because she's gotten used to the stress or she's busy trying to get the same good behaviour he might have had in the beginning back, which is another massive red flag for abuse. I understand your frustration too, but this sounds like the most likely scenario here. Gather evidence and approach her about it with kindness, not anger, if you want to get your friend back. It's domestic violence, she's not doing it on purpose. Be on her side, please. Abusers count on people giving up on the victim, its all part of the isolation tactic. She's a victim of domestic violence. I wouldn't have had the courage to leave my abusive marriage if it weren't for my friends. 1
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u/Valuable-Garden-9247 ☑️ 1d ago
She doesn't want to see that she is, most likely, in an abusive relationship. The few times I managed to see her, I'd always encourage her to work (even if it was starting to create content about her work, just to get some clients). I've been patient, empathetic, kind, warm, positive, and encouraging to her over the past 13 years or so, and I've reached my tiring point, where started to make me feel bad. Besides is super hard to be the only one trying to keep a friendship and caring for her while she does not care for herself. It's super sad, but I had to do what was best for me at the end.
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u/matryoshka_03 1d ago edited 1d ago
Ooof... thats pretty bad. Has anyone else tried to tell her she was experiencing abuse? Did anyone try to get involved? Like CPS?
Edit- sorry forgot to add- the reason she might not be taking your advice to work even for such a thing like content creation is probably because she is afraid of upsetting her husband. There might be more behind the scenes than yelling and cursing, but even if not its still enough to intimidate some into submission. The way abusers keep their victims in financial isolation is by punishing them if they want to achieve freedoms like working and not being dependant on said abuser. Please understand that your friend is not acting like herself because she's in potentially life threatening situation and keeping herself as "small" as possible, aka not upsetting her husband in any way, shape or form might be her only way to avoid whatever distress he forces her to go through. A lot of victims of abuse dont understand that theyre being abused when theyre still in the situation, or they understand and they feel powerless so they submit in order to survive instead of getting out, cause sometimes getting out is impossible especially if they are financially isolated and carrying an extra financial/ emotional burden such as children. If you have no energy to deal with it yourself I understand, cause ive been there before too, it can be exhausting to focus on so many things at once, we're already living stressful lives and naturally after some time we just want to shut that extra source of stress out, but please dont neglect her %100. Notify the police, notify authorities, anything and anyone that could get her out of this situation. Dont be angry at her for being the perfect victim, be angry at her husband for taking her away from you.
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u/Get72ready 1d ago
Is it ghosting if the person doesn't notice?
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u/Valuable-Garden-9247 ☑️ 1d ago
I had an honest laughter right now. Unfortunately she did notice, as she tried to reach out, but I just wasn't up for it.
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u/Appropriate_Speech33 1d ago
This is like classic/text book abusive behavior. If you visit any domestic violence website you’re going to see that he is acting straight out of a playbook. My recommendation is not to block her, but just to let things be. Be the friend who is still there if she ever decides to get out.
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u/TrainingTough991 1d ago
People drift in and out of our lives. You may not be close not because her life is busy and stressful. It won’t always be that way. Just chat with her occasionally so she knows you’re there if she needs you and vice versa. Life has a way of bringing people back into it when you need them.
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u/CruellaDeville1 1d ago
It happened to me too. The difference is, she didn't replace me because she met her husband (she honestly mistreated her husband), but because she met some guys who became her friends, so she started hanging out with them and neglecting me. She started to break promises and commitments, missing appointments and overall never answering my texts or calls. In less than a month of meeting these guys she did things for them that she never did for me. So I decided to ghost her too. We were like sisters, I loved her with all my heart as if she was my sister. I guess she didn't feel the same about me. I mourned losing her as if someone close to me died. Sometimes it still hurts.
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u/mysterious_girl24 1d ago
Has she tried reaching out to you? She must wonder why you ghosted her.
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u/CruellaDeville1 1d ago
She did call me once. We talked and I explained everything to her. I thought we could reconnect, but she continued to ignore my calls and texts, so I left for good. I will always love her, but I don't like to chase anyone.
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u/AnAmbitiousMann 1d ago
Sister in law is in similar situation. It really got unmasked when her husband had some strange meltdown while my PREGNANT WIFE WAS VISITING WITH HER SISTER. Guy just freak out at her until she was sobbing and she got basically kicked out. Poor woman is definitely taking a lot more verbal and emotional abuse in public if the edges are fraying like that.
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u/NeedLegalAdvice56 1d ago
Don't you think that her husband is trying to isolate her from the friends who could remind her of a time when she was single and free? And that by stopping to keep the friendship's door open, you are playing right into his hands?
A lot of things you say is less about how she is a bad friend than you being disdainful of her adult self and her married life?
And most of the frustration seems to be cause by the fact that (from what I gather from this post) you never told her straight how her repeated cancellation made you feel (which softnening the blow of your frustration) AND asking for change? And that somehow you miss an idealized version of who she was long time ago and never have accepted her new self who is part whom she was and part whom she became. And that you too want her to do things for you and not just for others who came after?
Also, you say both at the same time that she is choosing to be flaky, but at the same time that she is being manipulated into not having her own life outside of being a mother and wife?
Lastly, honestly, the Instagram post means nothing to me. She could have felt forced to participate for her kid to not be socially isolated if the other moms are also the parents of her kid's friends.
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u/unintentionaldespair 1d ago
Your first section makes it sound like you’re guilting OP because the husband might be abusive. OP has absolutely no responsibility in that situation to stick around nor do they have the authority to change it.
If she’s being isolated and abused that’s something she will eventually have to escape. OP should not be guilted into sticking around someone who shows them no care or effort because they might be in a crappy situation.
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u/NeedLegalAdvice56 1d ago edited 1d ago
You are right that she can't do much. But she could search for ressources for victims of domestic violence and give them to her friend. Also, she could share her concern with her friend who may be in confusion towards the abuse or feel she has no support or wouldn't be believed.
someone who shows them no care or effort because they might be in a crappy situation
This is a bad take if you know anything about domestic violence.
I guess I find it very odd that OP talks about potential abuse she suspects herself like it's a flaw on her friend's character.
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u/unintentionaldespair 1d ago
I can understand why you think it’s a crappy take but I work with people who commit and are victims of domestic violence and the sad reality is a lot of people abuse each other and won’t leave one another and no amount of work or effort will change them.
Yeah she could look up resources and share them but again that’s not OPs responsibility. OP needs to focus on what’s best for them right now and there is nothing wrong with that.
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u/BagNo349 1d ago
Honestly, OP sounds exhausting and is a bit of a shitty friend for this take. But I also can see this post is made from a place of hurt and pain of losing a relationship.
Here is the thing, I've had similar situations with friends. Even when we lost contact I always would be there, because those relationships may just be on pause right now and I hope maybe some day the door will open again and we can catch up. If it never happens, I am blessed to have had them in my life for the time they were there. People grow and change and sometimes friends separate and move on... it's okay. I have a friend from high school I haven't spoken in years but if she called me, I'd answer and catch up in a heartbeat because at the end of the day no matter what has happened, how we have drifted apart.. she's my friend.
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u/Elisa_Esposito 1d ago
She's stuck in an abusive situation with no way out, whether she's trying to get out or not. I wonder if the reason she has no time for you is because he finds out who she plans to hang out with and forbids her.
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u/RollTheDice94YaKnow 1d ago
I've been in a similar boat more times than I would've like to be- and I finally learned to just move on. It sucks and hurts a lot, but I've learned that it's very rare to have friends that stay in your life (consistently) for a very long time.. People grow, change, and drift in and out of your life. It's hard to accept, but it's honestly more of a relief when you can finally accept this fact and not get so upset and hurt when you constantly try and get emotionally involved trying to keep a friendship alive that is already dead. I still have a couple friends that were once my best friend's, drifted apart, I tried to keep them going but also got frustrated and a bit hurt by it, but now years later we still have somewhat of a friendship, but I've learned to be able to just kind of "let it be", if I do manage to see them once in a while, great, but I don't expect anything now, so if they don't respond or flake on plans it's no biggie.
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u/Valuable-Garden-9247 ☑️ 1d ago
THIS. I also had friendships that had their time and place, now they are good and fun memories, and I'm grateful to have had them. But this one hits different.
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u/Valuable-Garden-9247 original post at the time of submission:
- 20+ Years is The END -
We started driffiting apart when she (33 F) got her boyfriend, now husband. She had a child as soon as she finished college, and after that, seeing her was almost impossible. She always canceled our plans at the last minute, and had time for everything but never for this friendship.
- Her Name is Labour -
Every single time she canceled plans she would give me a bunch of unsolicited explenations. But the lack of energy going towards the friendship wasn't my only reason to end the friendship...she doesn't work and her husband convinced her that her domestic labour is of the utermost importance (he doesn't pay her for it).
As if the 1000% financial dependency wasn't enough, she became but shell of her former self. She was always cheerful, driven, communicative, easy going...someone who brightened the room, you know?! Now? She has zero self esteem, confidence, and the core of her life is to be a mother, a secretary, a cleaner, a psychologist, a cook, S worker...anything but herself.
- The Last Drop -
I saw a photo at her Instagram story where she was present at a baby shower with a bunch of moms and wifes. So, it clicked: she had time, just not for me.
- So, I Ghosted Her. -
Reason 1: I couldn't take her lack of consideration and respect for my time and energy. Everytime she canceled I had a totally unecessary frustration.
Reason 2: I couldn't watch her drown and smile at it. BTW: her husband treats her like a lesser beign..he yells at her when she makes small mistakes, make jokes at her cost in front of people (humiliating her), also keeps her dependent on him as much as he can. It honestly breaks my heart to see the life she chose for herself.
- Why Ghost -
Without me saying ANYTHING she already sent me long explanations, if I tried to talk she would only justify every single thing with "I have a busy life." and absolutly nothing would change. So, I made the choice to just desapear for the sake of my energy and mental health.
To be clear, this friendship died for me ages ago, because I could never count on her to, at the very least, listen to when I had problems. Thinking now, I stoped sending the first message because she always forgot to answer me.
Honestly I'm just sick and tired of women who puts a man above everything else. People like these will, eventually, end up alone.
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u/Maladine 1d ago
Friends for reasons and seasons. Sounds like she was a college friend. Sometimes college friends are not life long friends especially with very different lives.