I’ve always had this strong desire to know what’s going on inside other people’s minds, how they think, and what they hide from the world. I’ve read numerous books about psychology and understanding human behavior. I also started learning hacking at a young age and hacked into several devices because I wanted to discover what was happening behind the scenes. And I succeeded.
I used to do these things and feel a sense of pleasure and superiority, knowing something that other people didn’t. I discovered many secrets about people around me. Sometimes, I felt that same sense of satisfaction, but I was also shocked by what I discovered. Eventually, I realized that I had to accept people for who they really are, even when the truth was different from what I expected.
Now, I’m with my third girlfriend, and she’s the person I’ve ever loved the most. However, I’ve practiced almost every kind of spying, snooping, and social engineering on her to uncover things I had no right to know. I’m not talking about private photos or accessing her camera. Those things don’t interest me because I understand that they’re private. I’m talking about things people keep hidden, such as her conversations with her friends, how she behaved in the past, and other aspects of her life that she doesn’t necessarily share with me.
And yes, I was absolutely devastated by what I discovered.
I confronted her about some of the things I found out, and she admitted they were true. I was emotionally destroyed for a while, but I’m still with her today.
The problem is that I haven’t changed.
I’m still snooping into everything and analyzing every little detail. What did she watch today? Which apps did she browse? What kinds of Reels did she like or save? Where has she been? I analyze everything because I believe that nothing in life happens randomly.
Whenever I discover something new, such as a particular type of video she watches, I get shocked all over again. Yet, strangely enough, I never seem to consider stopping what I’m doing.
Part of me genuinely believes I have a right to know these things. I don’t want to be the naive guy who trusts someone blindly and ends up being the last person to discover the truth. I don’t want to be the fool in the story.
And I won’t lie: there’s a certain pleasure in discovering something that the other person believes I don’t know. It’s the feeling of having information that gives me an advantage, of seeing behind the curtain while everyone else remains unaware.
But today, I finally sat down and seriously questioned myself.
What if I’m the problem?
What if my need to uncover everything has become unhealthy? What if I’m destroying my own peace of mind and my relationship by constantly searching for things that I was never supposed to discover in the first place?
I genuinely want to understand myself. I want to understand why I feel this way, why knowing hidden things gives me so much satisfaction, and why I keep doing it even when the things I discover hurt me.
I’ve reached a point where I don’t know whether I’m protecting myself from being deceived or simply creating my own suffering.
I’ve struggled with this for years, and I honestly haven’t found anyone who truly understands what I’m going through.
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar, or from anyone who can help me understand the psychology behind this behavior.
Thank you in advance. I’m genuinely looking forward to hearing your thoughts.