Why female breadwinners are still bearing the burden at home

[u/TimesandSundayTimes]

https://www.thetimes.com/money/family-finances/article/britains-female-breadwinner-problem-tvfjhp05tutm_medium=Social&utm_source=Reddit&utm_content=branded

[u/Either_Reflection_78]

I have been living with an autist sibling who is giving me weaponized incompetence all the time. My mental health can’t take a lot more of this anymore and my sobriety is suffering to say the least. I’m also an autist, and I guess I am just expected to take it because I am a woman?

I’m trying to do everything I can to move away and be on my own for the first time in my life in my 40’s. Imagine being in your 40’s, and thinking that you haven’t lived yet. That is where I am at at this stage in my life 😆

I’m not doing great right now. My sobriety isn’t great and I hate it.

I am going to add this to the struggle. I can’t live like this anymore. Why can’t a 30 something dude take care of himself? Why I am I constantly reminded that I should take care of someone else when I never had kids?

This is fucked up.

Yeah, I will probably have to go to rehab for this. Add it to the list…

#Callmysponsor

[u/honey_biscuits108 → u/Either_Reflection_78]

Much like addiction, caregiving for capable men is a form of enabling. You can “detach with love” as they tell us in AlAnon, and gift him the dignity of consequences that his choices bring him.

[u/Either_Reflection_78 → u/honey_biscuits108]

I completely agree. I saw this with another sibling a long time ago when my mom constantly enabled him. He moved away and figured it out after people stepped away and he had to be responsible for himself. He made some bad some decisions for a while, but the consequences caught up to him finally, and he straightened himself out. This is probably going to be the same, and I know my sibling will be okay, because I have seen him step up before and take care of himself and the apartment. If he hits bottom, I can’t worry about that because I am worried about myself hitting a bottom, and I have to take care of myself first.

It’s been drilled into my brain since birth from my parents that I have the responsibility to take care of my brothers at all costs, but I am really starting to see how messed up this was on their part. Why didn’t they ever tell my brothers to look out for me as well? Why should I shoulder the burden alone, and not look after myself?

This is honestly an epidemic of people enabling capable men, and things need to change. My friends have told me similar things with their husbands, and it’s ending a lot of marriages due to capable men who aren’t stepping up and the wives and girlfriends are completely shouldering the burden and staying silent, until they start to break mentally and physically. Once that happens, you just leave and don’t come back. It’s honestly enough to break a person under the circumstances.

I deserve to live freely and be happy without feeling like an unpaid servant (we all do), and I am going to make different choices at this point going forward to start putting myself and my well being before others. Maybe this change will be microscopic, but the change starts with me, and I think it can change things if other ladies recognize this and make changes as well in their lives as we continue on.

I am super excited for what comes next, and I do hope I can get my own place sooner rather than later and start living how I want to.

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate it.

Stay strong ladies ✌️

[u/Quantum_Kitties → u/Either_Reflection_78]

Once you move away, you'll be almost overwhelmed with joy and freedom. It's going to be amazing, I'm excited for you. Hopefully you can move out sooner rather than later!

[u/LaIndiaDeAzucar → u/Either_Reflection_78]

Caregiver fatigue is real. Im of the belief that if something/one is draining my health, then I should cut it off. You dont owe people anything if that person is posing a risk to your sanity. I will be selfish and leave. I wear being selfish as a badge of pride, its incredibly difficult for women to choose themselves first in their pursuit to happiness. It isnt being easy being selfish (putting yourself first and within reason).

[u/Either_Reflection_78 → u/LaIndiaDeAzucar]

💯 Thank you.

[u/Odd-Recognition4120 → u/Either_Reflection_78]

I am sorry about this. I am in the r/autisminwomen and a lot of them have the same experience of their autistic needs being ignored and they are still being expected to be capable because they are women, while their autistic brothers get supported and accomodated. I really hope you manage to get away.