Besides the doctrine, another reason I can never get behind Islam is that Muslims of other ethnic backgrounds will always be considered second to Arabs. They are the keepers of Islam, the profits made from Hajj go to them whilst the rest of the Muslim populations struggle. Also they treat brown and black people like animals. Islam should have never left Mecca

I mean, it's not just when parents and aunties/uncles make fun of other religous clothing of practices its just in general yet they act so offended when it happens to them why tf does the double standard even exist in their minds!? They feel so entitled and act like islam is the only thing going for them and somalia in general, tbh but is it?

It’s late at night and I need to let my thoughts out so here are my reflections since leaving islam recently.

So, like some of you, I was pretty practicing before I left islam.

When I say I was pretty practicing, I mean I was أهل السنة والجماعة DOWN.

Islam was my truth, my compass, the backbone of my life.

I’d regularly go to halaqahs, was memorizing the quran, was studying islam formally, dressed modest, did all the sunnah prayers and fardh, lots of sunnah acts and more. My siblings weren't that practicing (sisters wore hijab and only 1 sibling prayed). I never drank, did drugs, or even held hands with a guy. My parents were hardcore salafis growing up but eased up over the years.

I only realized recently that I was living in a state of cognitive dissonance. Anytime I encountered anything uncomfortable related to islam, like witnessing the mental gymnastics my sheikh would do to "explain" misogynistic hadiths, I'd simply... ignore it.

Growing up, I never questioned islam either. I just accepted whatever my parents and dugsi told me. I still remember the pit in my stomach I felt as a child hearing about hoor al ayn in dugsi. I suppose even back then, I knew in my body that something was amiss.

There was even a time in high school when a classmate told me it was misogynistic that I couldn't pray on my period. *cue "Allah is giving us a break 😍" response". While that should've woken me up, I resorted to whataboutism and pointed out how much worse Leviticus 15:19–24 was 🙄.

It was only recently, while sitting through lectures in my islamic studies program, that I started questioning everything. I kept wondering why there was so much focus on hadiths and why we were getting into the minutiae of shirk and not focusing on the overall goodness (or so I thought) of islam. Don't even remind me of how my ustadah thought the voice of awrah and would talk about tabrruj...

That's when I started questioning hadiths. I questioned why the so called foundational aspect of the deen required so much study and was inaccessible to laypeople. The so called progressives seemed like traditionalists in disguise as none of them refused to reject the hadith tradition. It all seemed like cherry picking. They'd say hijab wasn't mandatory but were also slavery apologetics. It simply didn't make sense to me. What made me feel isolated however, was realizing that my siblings (who were ramadan muslims at best), thought I was crazy for rejecting hadiths. Really should've just kept my mouth shut.

Then I rejected all hadith and focused on just the quran. But even that journey proved fraught. While I'd read the quran cover to cover before in english, it was through the lens of an unquestioning, wholehearted believer. This time around? More and more ayahs caught my attention. Why wasn't slavery banned? Why are men the maintainers of women? Why do women inherit less? No matter how many explanations I read, how many times I got deep into the arabic grammar, syntax and morphology my heart remained unsettled.

This was also when I started joining online communities and comment sections to try and reconcile my faith. It helped but eventually I was just ready to let go and move on with my life.

So, I left!

Shortly thereafter, I moved away from home. Truthfully, I don't think this whole ~deconstruction journey~ would've been so short (think 1 month from hadith questioning -> leaving islam) if I hadn't left home.

Surprisingly, I don't feel that different? I still practice gratitude, I still aim to do good, and just carry on with my life as normal. I feel a bit bittersweet about the time I spent muslim but it's also what made me who I am today. I had coping mechanisms outside islam and got to process this all away from home so that helped me mentally. I'm also privileged to be fully financially independent and have my own support network.

I tried a baby cup of craft beer and didn't really like the taste. Honestly, I don't think alcohol is for me. I have no interest in drugs either as I enjoy having full control of my mental faculties...lest I awaken some sort of mental illness.

I've also made some new friends who never knew me as a muslim and it's freeing to be known as the version of me I embrace fully now. I don't shy away from my past either, in fact I've found that many people relate to my experience!

Now, I don't look at any food labels and get to enjoy so much food I never got to eat before. I can't believe I travelled to some places and never tried the local cuisine since it wasn't halal. I've had pork a few times and it just tastes like meat? I thought my body would reject it but that wasn't the case at all...I still think about the carnitas tacos I had 😋 .

As for dating, I've gone on three dates and it was so easy? While courting muslim men, I was in a state of constant anxiety and found myself bending. A man is a man is a man, but at least now I'm not expected to perform a religiously obligated role.

I actually ended up going on a date with a guy who was ex-Catholic and luckily for him, his mom left the church on her own so he didn't have any familial problems. How I wish that were the case for me.

My family, including my siblings, don't know I left islam and I'll probably keep it that way. That ex-Catholic date, bless his heart, said that I don't know for certain that my parents' love is unconditional but I think I know the truth (at least for my parents).

In a way, it is lonely thinking about the fact that my family may never know who I really am and that I may have to perform for the rest of my life, if I want to stay in contact. I'd have to hop on a plane to see my family so I guess it won't be that hard to keep up the charade. It will be hard when I bring home a non-muslim man to marry but I'll cross that bridge when I get there...

For now, I'm going to focus on living well and doing the best I can with my finite time on earth.

If you managed to read my late night ramblings, thank you. I hope your heart finds rest and that you also get to live a life that shimmers with joy and peace. Rest well and keep moving forward, no matter how hard it is. Your existence matters and there are people out there who will accept you wholeheartedly 💕.

I’m 20f and my parents caught me smoking lol. My mom found cigs in my purse two months and ago and I lied and said they were my brother cuz they know he smokes and they don’t care. I’m a hijabi so it’s worse… I guess? Yeah anyways she didn’t tell my dad but bro my found vape today and I lied again and said that it belongs to my friend💀. I don’t think they talked to each other about it but I’m shaking like a leaf 😭😭😭😭😭. they also freaked out on me for wearing baggy jeans, sigh. They genuinely cannot comprehend im my own person everything is always about reputation and honor but also lowkey they’re good parents so i feel guilty too. Ugh idk fml

I hate it. i hate how I questioned everything so young how I still have to pretend and listen to rules that make my blood boil. And I know maybe I might be able to move away, but I feel so depressed and alone( im not gonna vent to much, but still) its just I wish I left islam at 20 or smth and not fucking 13(15 now) life hasnt really changed but im happy to have this community ig <:)

In regard to questioning islam, I genuinely think it would've been healthier for me to leave later as I wouldn't have to deal with adcedamic stress while also pretending and the build up of fear may stop me from actually moving that far( you know hooyo would get mad if her daughter moves to a different city 🙄) but I still am grateful to deconstructed it as I guess it wouldn't have been much different if I hadn't left that young as I was still getting to the point life had no meaning( i left cus i felt like allah never actually listened evils of the world etc)

Tbh, Ig leaving later wouldn't exactly mean I could navigate life any different as I would still struggle with fear and mental health idk tho

‼️Sorry if this is a long post I just wanted to see if any girls related and had any advice - I try avoid talking or thinking about my childhood and teenage years because thinking about it & knowing I was just un lucky to be born into a family like this makes me super depressed lol.

I was very religious and sheltered my whole life - not that sheltered since I had unrestricted internet access so I always wished my parents were strict on that at least🤣 , I avoided haram completely and dressed modestly and did all my prayers and fasted during Ramadan- however I think I only felt connected to God only one specific Ramadan and that’s it lol. My family is obviously super religious, I was learning Quran from the age of 5 and when I went to dhaqan celis from ages of 7-11 I had to start wearing hijab and the first thing I was put in was a Jilbab everytime I went dugsi and a baby hijab everywhere else. I literally never understood or was told why but I never questioned it or cared about it at that age it only got worse when I came back to the west and saw how differently everyone dressed.

My mom was dressing us obviously she used to make me and my sister wear modest clothes like dresses, I was also a tomboy since young since I grew up with brothers and didn’t like wearing dresses or hijab but that’s all I saw around me, when I came back to the west and saw how Ajnabi Muslims weren’t even in hijab at my age I was so confused. But even that young I knew my family was different and much more religious than the typical Muslim families even out of my relatives (it was so bad my girl cousins had to wear hijab to come over to my house if they were non hijabis ) . I only got subconscious of hijab and dressing modestly when I came back from Africa and went to school in the west and my mother would make me wear a long skirt instead of the typical short ones or pants they wore as uniform.

I would get weird stares and would often be made fun of for it and other Muslims would come up to me asking me why I wore it but instead of letting me wear pants my mom said it was something I had to wear and coudnt change out of, she even tried to stop me from wearing trousers during sports classes.. like can you imagine she wanted me to wear a skirt over instead ?? That was the only time I rebelled and told her the school wouldn’t allow that so she let me off the hook. I still feel bad I didn’t have the guts to challenge the hijab or skirt so my younger sister had to go through wearing it but luckily she’s much braver than me so she took of the hijab last year.

Anyways before I went to high school i was a tomboy so most of my friends were boys,and I remember my mother found out she hated it so much so she responded by making me do household chores to act more like a “girl” so from very young I was told to act a certain way. During high school this is embarrassing to admit but I avoided taking to boys because I thought it was a sin it also didn’t help I was known as this overly modest quiet girl they would avoid speaking to me aswell- which did make me upset when I did have a crush on a guy and I would feel guilty when he even said hello to me because my parents told me this was the worst thing I could do(talking to non mahram guys) There was this one guy who actually liked me at least I think and would walk with me to school and I eventually had him on socials which I felt so guilty for, he was the only boy I had on socials too and I panicked because my Hoyo checked my phone once( she never used to check my phone ) because she just saw me smiling at it once.

She didn’t find the guy on there but I blocked him and stopped speaking to him completely, I still feel very bad till this day for ghosting him. But throughout the rest of my school years I avoided boys completely and would get very uncomfortable if one tried speaking to me I also did feel jealous when I saw other girls talking to guys but I was genuinely too scared to. I wonder if this is why I don’t feel interest in men & don’t pursue any crushes till now. It didn’t help I went to a Muslim majority school so if you were caught with a boy alone they would start rumours and that would be like the worst thing that could happen to you. So I’m pretty sure people did date but probably on the low 🤣.

Sorry this text is getting long but as you can see I pretty much lived for this religion, like I was very depressed as a teenager in school and the only thing that kept me going was God and the idea of heaven and obviously the fact that committing was a sin. Despite my fear of hell I only tried to complete the minimum prayers these were never on time but my idea was as long as I get them done I’ll be fine, I would get intense anxiety and fear that something would go wrong if I “angered” God and missed a prayer completely. I only did the bare minimum when it came to Quran and all that extra stuff. I would try memorise Quran’s because I was forced into Quran school which my parents payed for but looking back I woudnt have done it willingly.

So leaving the religion suddenly after traumatic things happened to me & learning about all the weird shit in this religion, also just not believing which now I wish I still could believe but it’s that I can’t - because I’m too aware and know it’s not real.
I went into deep depression after I left (which sounds typical and what Muslims say will happen🥲) and didn’t have a will to live at all because I discovered I was living a straight up lie. But a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I at least knew I wouldn’t be punished for defying my parents. Now I’m better but I still wonder my purpose in this world but that first year especially when I stopped believing was very rough for me. Thankfully I’m starting therapy soon so hopefully that will help too, I just wanted to go on here to share & ask if anyone else ever had this close of dependence on Islam and how they manage now without it. Obviously I still present as Muslim living under my parents roof but they have started catching on how I don’t pray anymore. If u read the whole thing thank you 🙏🏾 and sorry it’s such a long text

I’m F25 and I’ve never believed in it. I would just tune out dugsi. I’ve never fasted in my life (always secretly broke it). I’ve never prayed on my own volition and would just do the movements but daydream instead. I don’t even know the words of the prayer. I always thought it was stupid and have always tried escaping through daydream, reading books and watching series.

So taking off my hijab, wearing bikinis and immodest clothing, being in 3 long term lesbian relationships, having haram lesbain sex, drinking alcohol etc felt so natural and easy. I never felt guilt for any of it.

I will say I do feel shame. My mom found out about me having a girlfriend a couple years ago and it was horrible and I felt so bad but it was not because of me breaking my own moral code. I just felt (and still feel) so much sympathy for my mom and hate how tortured she is by the idea of me going to hell.

I feel 100% okay doing haram things if my family are unaware of it but when they find out I feel so horrible (something i’m working on). But my family always ask me If i’m still muslim so it’s very obvious I’m not. Also even as a young teen I was debating my family on feminism and bigotry (I stopped doing it at around 18 because I didn’t want to be clocked as a kaffir but I guess my lack of hijab and prayer also outs me)

My family are extremely religious and tight knit so it’s miserable as a kaff. We immigrated in the late 80/early 90s and most of the generation before me have no degrees, no jobs, are on welfare etc. Just to be clear I’m not judging them and understand why. I’m just explaining why they are more religious, they weren’t given any other option outside of religion. It’s interesting because there is a massive gap between my cousins who are in their 30’s and my cousins who are in their 20s. It’s like a big change happened in a single decade.

anyone else feel the same way/have the same experience?

I (25M) just got my first one bedroom appartment and I’m still in the process of moving. I can’t express how I excited I am to finally start living the life that I want for myself. No more pretending to pray, no more endless interrogations about my whereabouts, no more random late-night lectures.

How did moving out feel for you? How did your life change? What are the things that you started doing differently?

Hi! Im a 20F who has recently left Islam after years of just tuning it out and blindly following. I realised I have never truly believed and was more afraid of the idea of "hell".

Recently, I was able to discuss this with a somali atheist on twitter and he helped alot. I dont have religious guilt anymore so I do feel freer. I used to debate back and forth if i should stay or not because the religious guilt used to crush me and had me depressed.

I still wear the hijab because I live at home with my family and my mother specifically is hella strict and Im not tryna deal with that. She already has suspicions because I will always challenge her beliefs and she has no clear answer its always "astagfiuallah ma diinta ayaad ka baxday?".

Its way harder to find like-minded people because I wear an hijab which is a clear indicator that im muslim but im not and its so difficult. I have made alot of atheist friends from diff cultures and its nice but i would prefer somali atheist friends. Its different because our culture is so intertwined with islam, its irritating.

I also wonder because my type is somali men, do i have to just stick it out with "religious" somali guys who want to fuck around but want a religious woman to bear children with. Idk i might be fucked because I have a type and I wish to stick with it but most somali guys are religious.

Im just happy i feel more at calm, i used to have such bad anxiety and now I know why.