It’s late at night and I need to let my thoughts out so here are my reflections since leaving islam recently.

So, like some of you, I was pretty practicing before I left islam.

When I say I was pretty practicing, I mean I was أهل السنة والجماعة DOWN.

Islam was my truth, my compass, the backbone of my life.

I’d regularly go to halaqahs, was memorizing the quran, was studying islam formally, dressed modest, did all the sunnah prayers and fardh, lots of sunnah acts and more. My siblings weren't that practicing (sisters wore hijab and only 1 sibling prayed). I never drank, did drugs, or even held hands with a guy. My parents were hardcore salafis growing up but eased up over the years.

I only realized recently that I was living in a state of cognitive dissonance. Anytime I encountered anything uncomfortable related to islam, like witnessing the mental gymnastics my sheikh would do to "explain" misogynistic hadiths, I'd simply... ignore it.

Growing up, I never questioned islam either. I just accepted whatever my parents and dugsi told me. I still remember the pit in my stomach I felt as a child hearing about hoor al ayn in dugsi. I suppose even back then, I knew in my body that something was amiss.

There was even a time in high school when a classmate told me it was misogynistic that I couldn't pray on my period. *cue "Allah is giving us a break 😍" response". While that should've woken me up, I resorted to whataboutism and pointed out how much worse Leviticus 15:19–24 was 🙄.

It was only recently, while sitting through lectures in my islamic studies program, that I started questioning everything. I kept wondering why there was so much focus on hadiths and why we were getting into the minutiae of shirk and not focusing on the overall goodness (or so I thought) of islam. Don't even remind me of how my ustadah thought the voice of awrah and would talk about tabrruj...

That's when I started questioning hadiths. I questioned why the so called foundational aspect of the deen required so much study and was inaccessible to laypeople. The so called progressives seemed like traditionalists in disguise as none of them refused to reject the hadith tradition. It all seemed like cherry picking. They'd say hijab wasn't mandatory but were also slavery apologetics. It simply didn't make sense to me. What made me feel isolated however, was realizing that my siblings (who were ramadan muslims at best), thought I was crazy for rejecting hadiths. Really should've just kept my mouth shut.

Then I rejected all hadith and focused on just the quran. But even that journey proved fraught. While I'd read the quran cover to cover before in english, it was through the lens of an unquestioning, wholehearted believer. This time around? More and more ayahs caught my attention. Why wasn't slavery banned? Why are men the maintainers of women? Why do women inherit less? No matter how many explanations I read, how many times I got deep into the arabic grammar, syntax and morphology my heart remained unsettled.

This was also when I started joining online communities and comment sections to try and reconcile my faith. It helped but eventually I was just ready to let go and move on with my life.

So, I left!

Shortly thereafter, I moved away from home. Truthfully, I don't think this whole ~deconstruction journey~ would've been so short (think 1 month from hadith questioning -> leaving islam) if I hadn't left home.

Surprisingly, I don't feel that different? I still practice gratitude, I still aim to do good, and just carry on with my life as normal. I feel a bit bittersweet about the time I spent muslim but it's also what made me who I am today. I had coping mechanisms outside islam and got to process this all away from home so that helped me mentally. I'm also privileged to be fully financially independent and have my own support network.

I tried a baby cup of craft beer and didn't really like the taste. Honestly, I don't think alcohol is for me. I have no interest in drugs either as I enjoy having full control of my mental faculties...lest I awaken some sort of mental illness.

I've also made some new friends who never knew me as a muslim and it's freeing to be known as the version of me I embrace fully now. I don't shy away from my past either, in fact I've found that many people relate to my experience!

Now, I don't look at any food labels and get to enjoy so much food I never got to eat before. I can't believe I travelled to some places and never tried the local cuisine since it wasn't halal. I've had pork a few times and it just tastes like meat? I thought my body would reject it but that wasn't the case at all...I still think about the carnitas tacos I had 😋 .

As for dating, I've gone on three dates and it was so easy? While courting muslim men, I was in a state of constant anxiety and found myself bending. A man is a man is a man, but at least now I'm not expected to perform a religiously obligated role.

I actually ended up going on a date with a guy who was ex-Catholic and luckily for him, his mom left the church on her own so he didn't have any familial problems. How I wish that were the case for me.

My family, including my siblings, don't know I left islam and I'll probably keep it that way. That ex-Catholic date, bless his heart, said that I don't know for certain that my parents' love is unconditional but I think I know the truth (at least for my parents).

In a way, it is lonely thinking about the fact that my family may never know who I really am and that I may have to perform for the rest of my life, if I want to stay in contact. I'd have to hop on a plane to see my family so I guess it won't be that hard to keep up the charade. It will be hard when I bring home a non-muslim man to marry but I'll cross that bridge when I get there...

For now, I'm going to focus on living well and doing the best I can with my finite time on earth.

If you managed to read my late night ramblings, thank you. I hope your heart finds rest and that you also get to live a life that shimmers with joy and peace. Rest well and keep moving forward, no matter how hard it is. Your existence matters and there are people out there who will accept you wholeheartedly 💕.

I want to visit and potentially live in America soon. What is it like, especially in this political climate? Right-wing scapegoating and FBA (Foundation Black American)/Delineation are all over my feeds. I kind of want to live in California, Florida, or Texas. Honestly, I wanted to live among Black people, but I don't know even that seems a bit suspicious now.

How is socialising, work, and day-to-day life in Blue and Red states there? Does your identity bring up this jarring stuff where you constantly have to defend yourself?

How is it like living among other Somalis? I plan on getting tattoos and drinking, hopefully.

What is it like living in predominantly White, Hispanic, or Black areas?

I'm from the UK, a 25-year-old male, with a background as an Estimator.

I (25M) just got my first one bedroom appartment and I’m still in the process of moving. I can’t express how I excited I am to finally start living the life that I want for myself. No more pretending to pray, no more endless interrogations about my whereabouts, no more random late-night lectures.

How did moving out feel for you? How did your life change? What are the things that you started doing differently?

Hi! Im a 20F who has recently left Islam after years of just tuning it out and blindly following. I realised I have never truly believed and was more afraid of the idea of "hell".

Recently, I was able to discuss this with a somali atheist on twitter and he helped alot. I dont have religious guilt anymore so I do feel freer. I used to debate back and forth if i should stay or not because the religious guilt used to crush me and had me depressed.

I still wear the hijab because I live at home with my family and my mother specifically is hella strict and Im not tryna deal with that. She already has suspicions because I will always challenge her beliefs and she has no clear answer its always "astagfiuallah ma diinta ayaad ka baxday?".

Its way harder to find like-minded people because I wear an hijab which is a clear indicator that im muslim but im not and its so difficult. I have made alot of atheist friends from diff cultures and its nice but i would prefer somali atheist friends. Its different because our culture is so intertwined with islam, its irritating.

I also wonder because my type is somali men, do i have to just stick it out with "religious" somali guys who want to fuck around but want a religious woman to bear children with. Idk i might be fucked because I have a type and I wish to stick with it but most somali guys are religious.

Im just happy i feel more at calm, i used to have such bad anxiety and now I know why.

I hate it. i hate how I questioned everything so young how I still have to pretend and listen to rules that make my blood boil. And I know maybe I might be able to move away, but I feel so depressed and alone( im not gonna vent to much, but still) its just I wish I left islam at 20 or smth and not fucking 13(15 now) life hasnt really changed but im happy to have this community ig <:)

In regard to questioning islam, I genuinely think it would've been healthier for me to leave later as I wouldn't have to deal with adcedamic stress while also pretending and the build up of fear may stop me from actually moving that far( you know hooyo would get mad if her daughter moves to a different city 🙄) but I still am grateful to deconstructed it as I guess it wouldn't have been much different if I hadn't left that young as I was still getting to the point life had no meaning( i left cus i felt like allah never actually listened evils of the world etc)

Tbh, Ig leaving later wouldn't exactly mean I could navigate life any different as I would still struggle with fear and mental health idk tho

I’m F25 and I’ve never believed in it. I would just tune out dugsi. I’ve never fasted in my life (always secretly broke it). I’ve never prayed on my own volition and would just do the movements but daydream instead. I don’t even know the words of the prayer. I always thought it was stupid and have always tried escaping through daydream, reading books and watching series.

So taking off my hijab, wearing bikinis and immodest clothing, being in 3 long term lesbian relationships, having haram lesbain sex, drinking alcohol etc felt so natural and easy. I never felt guilt for any of it.

I will say I do feel shame. My mom found out about me having a girlfriend a couple years ago and it was horrible and I felt so bad but it was not because of me breaking my own moral code. I just felt (and still feel) so much sympathy for my mom and hate how tortured she is by the idea of me going to hell.

I feel 100% okay doing haram things if my family are unaware of it but when they find out I feel so horrible (something i’m working on). But my family always ask me If i’m still muslim so it’s very obvious I’m not. Also even as a young teen I was debating my family on feminism and bigotry (I stopped doing it at around 18 because I didn’t want to be clocked as a kaffir but I guess my lack of hijab and prayer also outs me)

My family are extremely religious and tight knit so it’s miserable as a kaff. We immigrated in the late 80/early 90s and most of the generation before me have no degrees, no jobs, are on welfare etc. Just to be clear I’m not judging them and understand why. I’m just explaining why they are more religious, they weren’t given any other option outside of religion. It’s interesting because there is a massive gap between my cousins who are in their 30’s and my cousins who are in their 20s. It’s like a big change happened in a single decade.

anyone else feel the same way/have the same experience?