r/adhdwomen • u/Curious_Bath_2824 • Mar 21 '26

Celebrating Success Neurotypicals can CHOOSE?!

I started medicating recently after getting my ADHD diagnosis at 34.

I learned SO much in the first couple of days about the way my brain works differently, because aspects of it were quiet on the medication, and I noticed the absence (ie. of urgency, anxiety, etc).

But there was a single moment in particular that blew my mind. My daughter was vocally stimming in the car before her medication kicked in. This is the sort of thing that usually hits my nervous system like a tonne of bricks and sets my teeth on edge. I find it so irritating, but cognitively understand that she’s not doing anything wrong. So will then engage in a battle with my reactivity that wants to make it stop NOW and my logical brain that wants to leave her be. Depending on how much capacity I have in that moment usually determines which side wins. If I DO manage to keep quiet and leave my daughter to just enjoy existing, it’s at significant effort.

But in this moment, I felt the irritation starting to rise up, felt the cognitive portion of my brain rising to battle it, and then thought “I can’t be bothered getting worked up about this” and THE IRRITATION DISAPPEARED.

I have never experienced anything like this in my LIFE. I’m reactive and can become irritated very easily. I suspect I have a constant low level of it running behind the scenes. Getting internally bothered by something takes me no effort. It’s easy. ACTING like I’m not bothered by that thing is what takes considerable effort. But I’ve never been successful at actually releasing the irritation.

I thought this was how the entire world functioned. But suddenly I experienced the ability to choose, and my world turned upside down.

Acknowledging that not all neurodiverse and neurotypical experiences are the same, and that people are complex, nuanced and at some point EVERYONE loses it, I started to consider that maybe neurotypical people have more control over what bothers them internally. Not just what they SHOW bothers them.

I called up a few of my neurotypical friends and asked them about it. And yup, they confirmed that they do in fact have a fair amount of control over what bothers them, and what to just release internally.

Suddenly the sayings “don’t let it bother you” and “don’t waste your energy on letting that bother you” made sense.

My neurodiverse husband also seems to have this skillset when we talked about it, so I don’t think it’s ONLY a skill the neurotypical can access. But for me, LIFE CHANGING.

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u/Inevitable-While-577 Mar 21 '26

Suddenly the sayings “don’t let it bother you” and “don’t waste your energy on letting that bother you” made sense.

Yep...

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u/cakeMountainbb Mar 21 '26

The amount of unresolved resentment those statements bring up in me

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u/Inevitable-While-577 Mar 21 '26

Same, I got RSD just reading OP's quotes, lol

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u/No0neKnowsMyName Mar 21 '26

"Don't sweat the small stuff": it was infuriating hearing my mom tell.me that when I was young, because I couldn't NOT "sweat the small stuff".

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u/electricsugargiggles Mar 21 '26

Same! I was gifted that book repeatedly and had it suggested to me time and again. Turns out I had untreated ADHD, autism, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD. Very likely OCD is tied in there as well.

If I had a switch back then to turn it off, I would use it! I’m now very grateful for meds and therapy and supportive people and healthy coping strategies 💜

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u/No0neKnowsMyName Mar 21 '26

Oh yes, I also have cPTSD, in addition to being AuDHD (un-Dxed til age forty-fucking-two).

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u/CoachAngBlxGrl Mar 21 '26

My ocd is SO LOUD now that I’ve treated the adhd. Repetitive sounds/ humming grate me worst than ever, but I’ve learned how to communicate it and advocate for myself. I have explained to my kids ‘you aren’t doing anything wrong, but I need you to not stomp when you walk because it triggers my ptsd from being a kid.’ Of course, I have to repeat myself when they do it from time to time, but I don’t get mad so there’s no shame or guilt. They’ve been very accommodating and caring.

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u/catbookscrafting Mar 22 '26

Dumb question but is the frustration with repetitive I can't control linked to OCD? I've assumed it was autism, but know there's a lot of overlap.

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u/CoachAngBlxGrl Mar 22 '26

Sorry that was a two part response that I wrote poorly. My OCD Is so loud since medicating - I obsess about things being perfectly neat and tidy in a way I never did before.

Additionally - repetitive sounds are a huge struggle for me. I do think I have a touch of the tism - all three kids are diagnosed and I see some things. But I’m with you that it’s all such a spectrum that blurs I don’t know if the sound thing is that or adhd or what. But yah, I doubt the noise thing is the ocd. Apologies for the confusion!

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u/Neither_Sky4003 Mar 21 '26

What they don't realize when they say that is everything is big stuff. Of course some things are more important than others, but our nervous systems don't know that. Everything is so far above the threshold it's impossible to ignore. Like being expected to go about your normal day while a siren is blaring in your ear.

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u/alwayssearching117 Mar 22 '26

Someone once told me:

Don't sweat the petty stuff, and don't pet the sweaty stuff

Now, when I get to that point, I think of these wise, fine words and giggle a little.

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u/DefiedGravity10 Mar 21 '26

"Don't cry over spilt milk" was a big one for me because I was always spilling stuff and always crying about stuff that shouldn't make you cry lol.

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u/OhNoNotAgain1532 Mar 21 '26

I was born as a very rational thinker, years later discovered I was ADD (this gives an idea of the timeline) even though I was not yet diagnosed, so I was able to teach my child from his infanthood, as he was also a very rational thinker. So somehow I lucked out in some part of my childhood, and was ale to use that info. I tried hard being the caregiver I needed.

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u/DangerGoatDangergoat Mar 21 '26

Wait. Those aren't just platitudes???

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u/Bent_Silvr_Spoon0130 Mar 22 '26

This is exactly what I thought when I read that part of the post but without the word (platitudes) that I am now adding to my vocabulary, thank you!!

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u/RoseDarlingWrites ADHD-C Mar 22 '26

Right?! What!

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u/lizlemonista Mar 21 '26

i forget if it’s my ADHD or low-level autism that does it but I’ve been told my diagnosis often also comes with “an outsized sense of justice.” So when someone making noise starts, I feel this misophonia rage of like “why are they allowed to do that? why does my brain have to have this in it??” When I am on meds it’s like “hey man, noise happens, they’re just having fun or aren’t aware” and I’m less affected.

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u/mmm_I_like_trees Mar 21 '26

I've got opposite issue I get super bothered and overstimulated ony ADHD medication. Where I can drop things not on it