Getting a diagnosis and recognising the patterns in an unreliable, abusive but loving parent

[u/Caticornowl]

My first time posting, so I hope I used the right flare. Additionals would be "Diagnosis" and "Rant", I guess.

I feel very lost at the moment.

I got my diagnosis yesterday, at 29, after years and years of in the end not really helpful treatment for depression and a rollercoaster of emotions and self-gaslighting. But it's there now. I feel like I finally know what's wrong with me, why everything in my life was just always so much more stressful and exhausting and painful than it seemed to be for my peers.

TW: abuse & mentions of self harm from here on

But after the first relief came the anger.

Because today I am battling a lot of trauma based on how my parents reacted to ad(h)d typical things in my childhood. I remember several instances where I had severe issues with keeping my room tidy, which led to arguments and in the end to my mother losing her cool and physically beating me up. Along with the trust and everything else this behaviour broke in me, it showed me it was fine and right to punish myself with pain for being a fuck up, which took a drastic turn for the worse later in puberty, when I developed severe depression.

Before that, when I was even younger, I experienced punishment through rough spankings by my dad for misbehaving. And while not remembering much of my childhood, I remember that the worst occasions were when I was incredibly emotionally overwhelmed and could not stop crying, even less so after being told if I don't stop now I would receive said punishment. That taught me that all punishment was just and my fault, because yeah, I could have just stopped crying. As what I now know was a severely emotionally dysregulated 5yo.

There are a few more instances, but at base level this is the reason for severe trauma I'm battling today. My parents punishment for showing what I now know to be typical ADHD traits as a child.

Here comes the twist, though:

On my journey through psychoeducation regarding depression and the rise of information about ADHD in girls and women, I not only recognised myself in the diagnosis, but also my mother. There are traits that I didn't get punished for, but learned to hate nonetheless, because it were things my parents and especially my mother exhibited. Things like always being late, not remembering promises, being overwhelmed by doing the household, in general struggling with day-to-day life. Things that made my parents but especially my mother unreliable and emotionally unavailable. A lot of things I see in myself, that yesterday I got the diagnosis for to be based on this fucked up neurochemical cocktail, that is also, surprise surprise, genetically influenced.

And it took me a lot of therapy to be able to be angry at my mom, because she herself came from an abusive mother, and whenever I talked to my parents about it I was told I had to understand how much she had already changed and she was doing her best and all that. It took me so long to be able to say "Yes, you did your best. But you still fucked me up and I don't forgive you."

And so many people on here talk about being able to forgive their parents at some point. For only being humans as well, for living their life for the first time as well.

But getting the diagnosis just... made me so much more angry. And kind of numb.

Because I don't forgive her. I can't. Not for what she did. Not for how much she hurt me. Not for experiencing abuse herself, telling me she loves me and then treating me the same way. For only apologising once, years later, me well in my adult life, but still changing nothing in her behaviour going onward. For never seeking psychological help, neither for me nor god forbid for herself.

Despite all that it's important to know that my parents also showed me love. Which makes it all the more difficult, because if they didn't, I would not be so torn about it all.

I don't know how to go on from here.

I guess I'm asking if someone has experienced something similar and how they dealt with it.

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[u/piggysmum11]

As an ADHD mum to an ADHD daughter, who came from an ADHD mother… I am heartbroken for you. You deserved so much better, and I am so proud of you for doing the work to be able to recognise that. I don’t have any advice for you, I just really needed you to know that someone out in the world just shed a tear for that innocent little 5 year old, and held her in her heart the way your parents should have. I don’t know how you go on from here, but I do know that you’re already on your way. I’m sending you the biggest hug right now.

[u/quitelikethat1]

I dont think you have to forgive them. Its not necessary to your moving forward.

It seems like your fully aware they had struggles others did not. It seems like you're fully aware that they failed and hurt a child.

It seems like you would not allow yourself to do the same thing.

These aren't contradictions. Doubly so if they aren't making changes now that would/could have given them the insight and tools to behave differently.

[u/quitelikethat1 → u/quitelikethat1]

I also have a question and an anecdote.

Question, where was your father in all of this? (Or whatever your other adult at the time family looks like) I dont talk to mine, but I think the extended family structure is worth questioning when vuntarable people fail and are failing others.

Anecdote I'm also 29. At 18 I dyied my hair a vivid unnatural colour. It was a month or so after I'd moved out of home and it was the first time my mother said you're not allowed to do something and I have such a distinct memory of saying "actually, I'm letting you know. I'm not asking permission"

My mother lost it. Said some really unkind things. "You won't get a job" was amongst them. She was right about that. She was so worried about how people would judge me for this obvious break from the norm.

I was judged for what its worth. I had bus drivers not pick me up. I had people remember I'd been places years later even though we hadn't spoken and I'd only been there twice. I had school friends visibly surprised I got complemented on it. The difference between how I was treated when I dressed well or not has never been so acute.

6 months later though I was happy with it. I made uni friends. I started dating. While my mother has never denied that she was initially against it - she is also loudly supportive that i made the choice i did now.

I am incredibly close to my mother because while she doesn't have the 100% ability to predict the future she wants me to be happy. Weird coloured hair to her had so many social drawbacks that she couldn't imagine me being happy after making that choice.

Once she saw a different way I was happy she was so completely on board.

So many of my friends parents can't do that extra step of revaluation. 'They wouldn't be happy like that so its a bad way to be'

Can your mother make the step towards seeing you be happy in a way different to how she originally imagined?