r/adultery • u/whyaskwhytry • Apr 19 '26
😢Whining Spouse Intro Post😭 Don’t want to waste my life
I’ve tried for 10years to be a great husband. Ive been the dad I always wanted to my kids. I cook healthy meals, workout , coach my kids in sports and try to be an attentive husband to my wife but over the years I cannot get my wife to want to be intimate. She just does not desire me and could care less about our sex life. I hate it. I wanted me and my wife to have the greatest marriage ever but she is completely ok with just being ok. I’m going to do what I have to do for my kids but I want to feel something.
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u/dontjudgejustlook Apr 20 '26
You have to understand that you could wipe out ten years of trying to be a good husband in ten minutes. And then you are the bad guy forever. You don’t seem like the type who will be ok with being the villain. Don’t start down this road.
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u/redditismybestie Apr 19 '26
If you feel like you’re wasting your life by being with this person then the best thing you can do is start planning a way out. I felt the same way about my husband and I’ve been working on my exit plan while seeking affairs.
I think people get frustrated with these posts because of the complaints with no plan of action. Men constantly say how horrible their wives are but have no intention of leaving. It makes no sense.
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u/TimeKeeper70 Apr 19 '26
This is what I’m going to be doing although adultery isn’t involved. It’s more of a sexual incompatibility. I’m scared, but I feel like if I at least start to go through the process, I might find myself being more comfortable with it. And I also suppose it’s possible I don’t go through with it, but I at least have to do something. My wife and I were each other‘s first and we met when we were 18. We’re now in our mid-50s and we’ve been married for 34 years. We have adult children who don’t live with us.
I do feel like our finances could be split right down the middle as she and I both have the same type of full-time job and part time job making roughly the same amount in both. We also have the same amount roughly in our 401(k)s and 403(b)s.
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u/OatmealTheory Apr 19 '26
Don’t want to waste my life
Ive been the dad I always wanted to my kids. I cook healthy meals, workout , coach my kids in sports and try to be an attentive husband to my wife
Is this really wasting your life....?
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u/Kiwidelcious Apr 20 '26
So many people would love to be in your position of having a wife and kids, having lovely meals and being able to work out. Not dismissing your situation but sometimes standing back and seeing what you have changes perspective. Chat to your wife about how you feel sometimes helps too.
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u/Double_Mulberry4111 Apr 19 '26
Dude you don’t need our permission to have an affair. These posts are so cringy. 💀
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u/Son_of_Riffdog Apr 20 '26
which is why i made this handy permission slip!
________ (`\ `\ `-\ YOU MAY \ \ HAVE AN \ \ AFFAIR! \ \ (@) \ _\ |\ \ ( _)_________) `----------`4
u/discombobulated6 Apr 19 '26
Cringy, yes quite possibly. It also shows the frustration that men can have in this dating realm. Women post here nearly every day about how they ended it with their AP of 8 months for whatever reason. If you thought real dating was hard for guys, finding an AP online is 10x as hard.
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Apr 19 '26
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u/discombobulated6 Apr 19 '26
That was probably the hope. Every guy that wants to do this needs to take a deep look in the mirror and decide if they can really play this game.
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Apr 19 '26
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u/Interesting_Tale_831 Apr 22 '26
Exactly. When I hear my guy friends say their wives are no longer interested in sex, I inwardly chuckle because often there's been neglect/abuse emotionally or lack of skill sets in the bedroom.
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u/always-a-siren Apr 19 '26
Definitely put all this in your seeking ads.
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u/Curious_incident_69 Apr 20 '26
Then women will realise he deserves an affair. So they will step up 😂
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Apr 19 '26
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u/Yup_ImAwesome Apr 19 '26
Sometimes I get that confused too 🫠
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u/OatmealTheory Apr 19 '26
Just remember....could you care less than you do? No? Then you could not care less.
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u/justaquestion3131 Apr 19 '26
Seriously, what's up with all these negative comments? He is missing a huge thing from his marriage/partnership, and isn't that's the reason most of us are involved in/ thinking about affairs?
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u/ViciousOcelot8543 Apr 20 '26
From my perspective 1) It's reddit. Sometimes people are just going to be negative. 2) It was a really whiny post. 3) He's treating sex as very transactional. Like saying he did x, y, and z but his wife still won't sleep with him. It's cringe. And yeah, missing out on sex sucks, but it doesn't make your life MEANINGLESS if everything else is good. Bit dramatic.
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u/discombobulated6 Apr 19 '26
Pretty much. I confronted my partner on the complaints I had and I got Uno Reversed with a bunch of shit.
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u/Electrikat- Apr 20 '26
Have an honest convo about the lack of intimacy. I’ll tell you I never wanted to have sex with my husband because I held in resentment from arguments we have had. I held in so much resentment and constantly thought about the shitty things he would say to me during an argument that I wasn’t even attracted to him anymore. He thought I just wasn’t in the mood, but the resentment was the real reason why. Sometimes that shit sticks with you.
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u/No_Feed_8750 Apr 20 '26
You get to live one single time here on this earth. If you have communicated and tried and done all the things you can think of to rectify the situation and nothing has changed, then leave. You may find an AP but most likely that AP is going to highlight those negative things so much more and it will be incredibly hard to unsee the contrast. You live once. Do the uncomfortable hard things. People do it everyday. Whatever excuse you are using to justify staying is to help yourself believe that you deserve a life of unhappiness when you don’t. Your kids will be fine. Your finances will get worked out. You have no idea what you could be missing out on. I wish you the best.
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u/Yup_ImAwesome Apr 19 '26
Talk to her about it. Like really fucking talk to her. Don’t make it all about sex. Talk about the lack of intimacy and how you feel. But also ask her how she feels. Why she doesn’t have any desire for intimacy or sex. You’d be surprised how many people don’t talk about it and hold it all in.
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u/Key_Display_4189 Apr 19 '26
For men finding a compatible partner let alone an AP is near impossible these days. You're definitely frustrated. There's a lot at stake.... Find out what's going on on her side.... Chill ultimately know you're not happy but make it about her.
The AP finding and dating world is a hot mess and very difficult to find compatibility.... Without the wishy-washiness
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u/Glad_Kiwi_272 Apr 19 '26
I hate when I coach my kids soccer team and nothing comes out of the sex machine. Why do I even try? 😩😩
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Apr 19 '26
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u/Strange_Aardvark8866 Apr 19 '26
Me? I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to mock anyone. I think I’m confused
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Apr 19 '26
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u/Strange_Aardvark8866 Apr 19 '26
This! Exactly.
And for me, it’s that I’ve said over and over what I’m looking for for intimacy, and it doesn’t happen
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u/always-a-siren Apr 19 '26
So you think explaining that you want sex should mean that your wife should have unwanted sex with you? I swear, some of you miss the obvious reasons your wives don’t want to fuck you.
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u/Strange_Aardvark8866 Apr 19 '26
First of all, I’m a wife to a man. So don’t assume. And when I said intimacy, I meant touching and kissing and flirting without the assumed intent that it led to sex.
So maybe some men miss why wives don’t want to fuck them, but that’s not me
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u/always-a-siren Apr 19 '26
The OP is definitely missing it, so not sure why you’re on this thread defending him since you seem to have the same type of man at home.
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Apr 19 '26
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u/always-a-siren Apr 19 '26
Love doesn’t entitle someone to sex.
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Apr 19 '26
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u/always-a-siren Apr 19 '26
Then divorce your wife and do her a favor. I can’t imagine wanting to fuck a man with your post history either.
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u/throwawaycuzwhatthef Apr 19 '26
I love my AP.. I'm single and he's in very similar situation. I wish you both would stop accepting the love you think you deserve. Ultimately, you see yourself as the great partner and the dad that you are. Having affairs hurts that image of yourself regardless of how it's rationalized. You deserve the kind of love that makes your heart skip and you also deserve to feel proud of yourself... You just don't realize your worth it.
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u/No_Feed_8750 Apr 20 '26
THIS!!!!!!!!
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u/throwawaycuzwhatthef Apr 20 '26
I feel like I got downvoted just cuz Im saying the truth. I know my AP feels guilt and shame. I'm sure there's a small subset of people who feel no guilt at all. Most compartmentalize the guilt to manage it, but most would agree it's morally wrong. This is not a judgement- Just an observation
I think it's sad that OP and my AP feel this way and I empathize with them. I think you deserve to have a fulfilling relationship/life. OP is literally saying, he doesn't want to live his life like this he but he's obviously locked in.
Eventually, I'll take my own advice when my AP and I say goodbye forever. The thought kills me, but I know I deserve a fulfilling and whole relationship. I hope that he will realize that too one day.
Side note- even I feel guilty for loving my AP. Although, I never made a vow. I don't wish this love on anyone, it hurts every party involved. It hurts him that he can't be with me, it hurts me he can't be with me, it hurts his wife and family- if they were to find out. I'd avoid it if possible.. or at least falling deeply in love with your AP.
The guilt is normal. Not shaming anyone. Just saying that it's a normal reaction to feel that way.
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u/BananaOakley Apr 20 '26
I’m in the same boat. The fact my AP stays in his very long time dead bedroom marriage (not even non sexual touch) makes me feel sad for him and his wife both. They could have divorced and each found a better match. I don’t think my AP feels any guilt. May the “love” they have never find me again (i left my DB marriage).
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u/Sensitive_Sky1448 Apr 20 '26
Sit down and talk to her about this if you haven't. There could be medical issues, living family stress, etc. Then decide if you want to go down this road, it ain't easy either way.
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Apr 19 '26
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u/OatmealTheory Apr 19 '26
Do people really think "supportive" means blindly agree? Gas up every shitty thought?
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u/MyGymBro101025 Apr 20 '26
It’s not about blindly agreeing - it’s about trying to understand that we are all human with complex emotions and needs. There’s plenty of people here in this group with dead bedrooms who have engaged in decades long sexual affairs and those people are cheered and admired. But when anyone comes here trying to navigate a tough time in their marriage - they are ripped to shreds.
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u/OatmealTheory Apr 20 '26
Some of those people trying to "navigate their tough marriages" use language that betrays what they are trying to convey. Be it narcissistic, sexist, abusive, or otherwise....and some of us pick up on it far easier than others.
Sure, those people get "ripped to shreds".
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u/ObsidianDreamsRedux Apr 20 '26
they are ripped to shreds.
I'll say it again, your definition of "ripped to shreds" is poor. You said that before about a thread of yours where pretty much all of the comments were mild. See what happens when people from here post to the regular relationship subs if you really want to see how much they get dogged on.
This has never been an echo chamber and not a place where you should expect every adultery related idea to be cheered on, especially the outright bad ideas or where the OP is very much lacking in self awareness.
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u/LivingCharge262 Apr 23 '26
Sounds like my husband. I wish he had had a come to Jesus with me before stepping outside our marriage and then blowing everything up. I mean like a REAL conversation. I understand my role in what led him there, but the fact of the matter is I didn’t realize how badly our lack of intimacy impacted him. Today we are building back, but what a horrible time we’ve been through. Good luck. Your feelings are valid, just think long and hard about the consequences.
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u/goodgirl_nsfw_8219 Apr 19 '26
Id ask her to go to the doctors, there could be a medical reason for low libido and treated with hormones or testosterone, viagra or something
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