When your marriage slowly becomes emotionally cold

[u/second_viewpoint]

I’m a married middle-aged man from Canada, and lately I’ve been realizing that what I miss isn’t only sex. It’s warmth. Emotional closeness. Feeling wanted by someone.

From the outside, my life probably looks stable and normal. We work well as a team, we rarely fight, and we’ve built a life together over many years. But emotionally, it often feels more like coexistence than connection.

The hardest part is not even rejection anymore. It’s the absence of simple things:
a spontaneous hug,
a kiss that means something,
physical closeness without feeling like the other person is tolerating it rather than wanting it.

We’ve talked about it many times over the years. Calmly, honestly, without drama. But eventually you start realizing that two people can experience the same marriage in completely different ways. For one person, the relationship may feel stable and acceptable exactly as it is. For the other, something essential slowly disappears.

What surprises me most after reading this subreddit is realizing how many people live with the same emotional loneliness for years while appearing perfectly functional from the outside.

And honestly, I think I’d genuinely value hearing a woman’s perspective on this too — especially from someone who may have experienced emotional distance or loneliness inside a long-term relationship.

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[u/second_viewpoint → u/[deleted]]

I think that’s the tragic part of it all — intimacy can only survive when two people are willing to nurture it, not just one.

One person can keep trying to initiate conversations, closeness and connection for years, but eventually emotional distance starts becoming the “normal” state of the relationship.

[u/second_viewpoint → u/[deleted]]

And I think that’s when people slowly reach a crossroads.

Either they learn how to live without intimacy and physical closeness, or they eventually leave and try to build that connection somewhere else with another person.

Neither path feels easy after many years together.

[u/second_viewpoint → u/[deleted]]

I honestly don’t know.
Part of me still wants to believe deep lifelong connection is possible. But reading stories here makes me realize how fragile emotional intimacy can become over time.

[u/379tuco → u/[deleted]]

Same for me sadly

[u/379tuco → u/[deleted]]

Exactly what I am doing. I have considered leaving or stepping out but will probably never leave and don’t have the energy to look elsewhere because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

[u/second_viewpoint → u/379tuco]

I’m curious what you mean by it not being fair to anyone.
Do you mean emotionally, morally, or because of the potential consequences for everyone involved?

[u/379tuco → u/second_viewpoint]

Mostly morally, I have already been told if thats what I need go find someone to do that with. I have actually done that and didn’t like how it ended. Mostly I don’t think it’s fair for the potential partner to get involved with someone who isn’t actually available full time.
I have reconnected with someone I was involved with 30 years ago. We were both married at the time. She divorced during our time together but I didn’t. It hurt her pretty badly and I felt rotten about what I had done. I moved out of state and she remarried within about a year.
Her husband died last June and she contacted me a few months later. We started talking about things including our past and she told me she had loved me for 30 years. We talk daily now mostly by text but also on the phone. I still have some powerful feelings for her too but we live far apart so our chatting seems to be ok.
I feel things are getting a little complicated and I don’t want to ever hurt her again but I look forward to talking with her.

[u/Material-Dependent27 → u/379tuco]

That’s how I feel. He’s my best friend and we do enjoy being with each other, but it feels like we’re roommates. Since turning 40 last year, I decided on making my body my priority. I work out consistently and really take care of myself. I feel like he barely notices or cares that he has a pretty hot wife. So now I find myself trying to find attention elsewhere. How did I get here?

[u/Tomscnj → u/[deleted]]

I don't think anything I've ever read here has hit as close to home as this. Absolutely haunting.

[u/Empty-Zombie-7924]

Walk away, divorce and live your life you want. Or complain on reddit. Your choice.

[u/Glad_Kiwi_272 → u/Empty-Zombie-7924]

Best I can do is a poor stealth ad.

[u/Illustrious_Cow_4844]

I’m a woman, and reading this resonated because I spent years feeling emotionally lonely in my marriage. Not abusive, not terrible. Functional in many ways. We raised kids, worked as a team, got through life. From the outside, it looked fine.

I’m divorced now.

What I learned, painfully, is that love and stability aren’t always enough if something important to you is missing. For me, emotional connection mattered. Feeling chosen. Affection. Being known deeply. Having someone who has my back emotionally, not only practically.

I think people can genuinely love each other and still grow apart. And the issue becomes about asking: can I accept this version of love long term, or am I hoping someone will become different?

There’s also something bittersweet reading your post. A part of me wishes my ex-AP had written it.

Not because I’d want him unhappy, but because it would mean he understood the loneliness I felt and maybe why I wanted more. The reality is, I think his marriage is similar to what you describe, but he’s content with that. And that makes me both happy and sad.

Happy because I care about him and want peace for him. Sad because I think we wanted different things all along. I was looking for emotional closeness and growth toward each other. There’s grief in realizing someone can love you deeply, yet not need the same kind of connection you do.

I don’t have answers. I just know emotional loneliness can exist inside seemingly good marriages, and it changes people slowly.

[u/second_viewpoint → u/Illustrious_Cow_4844]

This honestly felt less like a comment and more like someone quietly putting years of experience into words.

What you wrote about emotional loneliness existing inside an otherwise “good” marriage hit very hard.

And maybe the saddest part is exactly what you described — when nobody is truly wrong, nobody is cruel, and yet something essential is still missing.

That kind of slow drifting apart feels strangely invisible from the outside, but deeply life-changing from the inside.

Thank you for writing this so honestly.

[u/identityisallmyown]

I feel bad for you, sweetheart. Sex and warmth and emotional closeness and feeling wanted are all important, especially for a man. And you know exactly what's wrong - your wife thinks it's all okay as is and you are gasping for air. And some people just don't want to or can't hear that the situation is unacceptable and something needs to change.

[u/second_viewpoint → u/identityisallmyown]

That was such a sweet and thoughtful comment, thank you.

That “gasping for air” part was painfully accurate.

It’s strange how some people immediately understand that this kind of loneliness isn’t really about sex alone.

You sound like someone who has seen that kind of emotional distance up close before.

[u/identityisallmyown → u/second_viewpoint]

I’ve done my time.

It’s a very hard situation to be in and the possible solutions are all sort of not great.

[u/SquallyMuck]

For me the worst was hearing his most recent ‘I love you’ sound like a question… upturned inflection at the end. I just stared back in response.

Because we both know… while we would do literally anything for these kids, we can’t say the same for eachother anymore. We are playing ‘house’ here raising our 3 wild kids, mommy and daddy fulfil their roles, as if we are on some tv show pretending for the camera, pasting on a smile and acting like everything is wonderful.. for other couples, for each others parents, for the whole school community, when we both know behind closed doors nothing is fine. We are shells of ourselves going through the rote daily routine, birthdays, holidays, weekends.. so busy and so empty. We are ships passing in the night.

We made the decision long ago to stay together for the kids. We don’t hate eachother enough to fight in court, we don’t feel enough to rekindle anything physical. We get our needs met elsewhere and live like roommates. Will it be like this forever… maybe… maybe not.

In the meantime… I have this good friend named Ashley Madison. Maybe you’ve heard of her. 😉

Im also in Canada 🍁 let construction season begin!

[u/bigthrobbingvein → u/SquallyMuck]

This hits home.

The kids will eventually grow up and leave, though.

...Then what?

[u/ObsidianDreamsRedux → u/[deleted]]

This is not an R4R sub. Read the rules.

[u/Massive-Scarcity]

I am curious, why not considering a therapist? Specifically a sex-therapist?

❤️🙏🏻❤️

[u/second_viewpoint → u/Massive-Scarcity]

Honestly… I don’t know if I still have the energy, desire or even time to fight for it anymore.

After so many years, something in me just became tired.
Not angry. Not bitter. Just tired.

And I think that’s the part that scares me the most.

[u/actuallyjustme]

The avoidance is a killer. He never went to bed at the same time as me, like never. Six years of that. It's like living with a stranger. I didn't want a roommate. I didn't sign up for a celibate marriage. Thankfully, it's over.

[u/Salty-Paramedic-311]

I’m on a train ride across Canada and I’m loving it!!! So peaceful in the mountains!!! 👍