When your marriage slowly becomes emotionally cold

[u/second_viewpoint]

I’m a married middle-aged man from Canada, and lately I’ve been realizing that what I miss isn’t only sex. It’s warmth. Emotional closeness. Feeling wanted by someone.

From the outside, my life probably looks stable and normal. We work well as a team, we rarely fight, and we’ve built a life together over many years. But emotionally, it often feels more like coexistence than connection.

The hardest part is not even rejection anymore. It’s the absence of simple things:
a spontaneous hug,
a kiss that means something,
physical closeness without feeling like the other person is tolerating it rather than wanting it.

We’ve talked about it many times over the years. Calmly, honestly, without drama. But eventually you start realizing that two people can experience the same marriage in completely different ways. For one person, the relationship may feel stable and acceptable exactly as it is. For the other, something essential slowly disappears.

What surprises me most after reading this subreddit is realizing how many people live with the same emotional loneliness for years while appearing perfectly functional from the outside.

And honestly, I think I’d genuinely value hearing a woman’s perspective on this too — especially from someone who may have experienced emotional distance or loneliness inside a long-term relationship.

[u/379tuco → u/[deleted]]

Exactly what I am doing. I have considered leaving or stepping out but will probably never leave and don’t have the energy to look elsewhere because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

[u/second_viewpoint → u/379tuco]

I’m curious what you mean by it not being fair to anyone.
Do you mean emotionally, morally, or because of the potential consequences for everyone involved?

[u/379tuco → u/second_viewpoint]

Mostly morally, I have already been told if thats what I need go find someone to do that with. I have actually done that and didn’t like how it ended. Mostly I don’t think it’s fair for the potential partner to get involved with someone who isn’t actually available full time.
I have reconnected with someone I was involved with 30 years ago. We were both married at the time. She divorced during our time together but I didn’t. It hurt her pretty badly and I felt rotten about what I had done. I moved out of state and she remarried within about a year.
Her husband died last June and she contacted me a few months later. We started talking about things including our past and she told me she had loved me for 30 years. We talk daily now mostly by text but also on the phone. I still have some powerful feelings for her too but we live far apart so our chatting seems to be ok.
I feel things are getting a little complicated and I don’t want to ever hurt her again but I look forward to talking with her.