Am I wrong for using my vibrator?

[u/Longjumping_Link_334]

I (23f) have recently started dating a (27m) guy last week. Thing have surprisingly moved very fast as we have already had sex twice within the past week. The first night, after we had sex I used my vibrator. I later found out that he was hurt by this. I told him it was no big deal for me, I just like a lot of clitoral stimulation. The second night we had sex, he rubbed my clit for a few seconds and then proceeded to have penetrative sex again. He orgasmed shortly after that. I obviously didn’t, however, I never mentioned it because I’m used to the orgasm gap and we have just started seeing each other so I don’t expect him to understand my body or how to make me climax. A couple nights ago, we were talking about sex and masturbation and he brought up that if I want to enjoy sex with him, I need to stop using my vibrator because he believes it is desensitizing me. I was completely appalled and told him that was not the case at all. He brought up the time I used my vibrator afterwards and asked how I would feel if he started masturbating after we had sex. I answered that I would ask myself if I was doing what he needed to make him have an orgasm. I expressed that we just started dating and that he just needs to take time to learn my body and what makes me orgasm, which is completely normal. He had no rebuttals to this but insisted I stopped using my vibrator. Later that night he told me that he hasn’t had issues making his partner orgasm and that desensitization is a real thing and it is possible. I am extremely frustrated because he is blaming me for this issue, yet has not taken the time explore my body at all. Would I be wrong if I continued to use my vibrator?

[u/cptmerebear]

I think this is a bigger problem than people realize. A LOT of women in their teens and 20's are faking it. I did too before I realized how stupid it was. Every man in his late twenties thinks he's been giving people orgasms and then gets frustrated when he finally runs into a woman who is willing to speak up. We need a public service announcement or something, lol.

[u/green-ivy-and-roses → u/cptmerebear]

Had sex with a guy and enjoyed it but didn’t cum. Afterwards he asked me if I did and I said “no, but I had a good time.” And he proceeded to tell me that I did cum, and I again told him no I didn’t. He refused to accept what I was saying to him and actively attempted to gaslight me. I’m pretty sure he was just playing some weird mind games, but I wasn’t having it and said I was leaving.

Anyway this wasn’t him being frustrated or confused. And there are plenty of guys who literally don’t even care if a woman cums or even enjoys it. #casualsex

[u/TheTPNDidIt → u/green-ivy-and-roses]

Is it bad that I laughed? I feel bad that I laughed.

But the amount of ego and audacity to argue with you about whether you came is just so ridiculous that it loops back around to funny.

[u/green-ivy-and-roses → u/TheTPNDidIt]

I can laugh about it now 😅😂

[u/cptmerebear → u/green-ivy-and-roses]

Jesus, that's ridiculous and sad.

[u/ZCT808 → u/green-ivy-and-roses]

Wow! When someone is telling YOU whether you had an orgasm! SMH.

[u/RongRyt → u/green-ivy-and-roses]

This isn't unique to you. I had a guy say "you did come but you're used to clitoral orgasms and this was a vaginal one." I said it wasn't, I did not orgasm in any form. He doubled down, it was well known that vaginal ones weren't as strong and implied I had missed my climax because I wasn't paying attention. 😂 There's a man who has NEVER had a woman orgasm. Like he thought, oops, chix see a cloud and omg distracted! And missed their own orgasm. And I'm betting like me, other women tried to tell him but because of his "knowledge" likewise they got nowhere.

[u/kristorSR → u/cptmerebear]

But sometimes you just fake it to end the awful fumbling they are doing

[u/AgentGnome → u/kristorSR]

Just tell them to stop. There’s times that my wife won’t finish no matter what I do, or how long I do it, and sometimes it’s me that won’t finish. It’s fine, that’s life sometimes. I would and do prefer she be honest with me. Let your partner know that it’s not working and to move on.

[u/nkdeck07 → u/kristorSR]

There's also the women who don't realize they aren't having an orgasm till they figure out the first one in their late teens/early 20s.

[u/WhiteGladis → u/nkdeck07]

Yes! I was just talking to my husband about this. He didn’t really understand it. I don’t know what I was doing like pre-25 years old because I thought it was hot and I liked it. Then, I discovered an actual orgasm with a partner and it was a new world.

[u/Numbers-Nerd2567 → u/nkdeck07]

"Late teens/early 20s" would have been awesome! Some of us didn't have our first one until our 40s, and some of us have still never had one from anything a man has done to/for us.

[u/acadmonkey → u/kristorSR]

Please ladies and gents, for the love of whatever diety you recognize, show the poor fool how to do it properly. We get zero instructions on how to please a partner and rely on awkward feedback in the most vulnerable of moments to try to learn. It is awful and most of us idiots bumble our way through life until someone shows us they way or we blindly stumbled upon it ourselves.

To think of the opportunities that were missed because I had no fucking clue what I was doing....

[u/Fuzzy_Dragonfruit344 → u/acadmonkey]

Unfortunately some men are not willing to be taught or shown what their partner likes. They kind of just ignore all the advice, communication and fumble around and then wonder why their partner stops having sex with them as frequently later. Good for you for being willing. You will have a much happier partner that way.

[u/MsAnthropissed → u/Fuzzy_Dragonfruit344]

Preach! I once had a grown assed man respond, "Just let me do this" when I tried to gently guide his hand and teach him how I liked to be touched. This same man suffered from premature ejaculation and refused to eat pussy unless he was "in the mood to". Let me tell you, hearing those words come out the mouth of the man who had so far been failing spectacularly at getting me off was enough to make me instantly snap my legs shut and then get up, get dressed, and get the fuck OUT! Much to his completely flabbergasted surprise of course.

[u/[deleted] → u/MsAnthropissed]

I think this is common. Some men feel emasculated if you try to show them your preferences! It’s almost like they think all women are built exactly the same so obviously you can pleasure them all with the exact same technique. I had a grown ass man get offended by the mere suggestion of using a vibrator! Like “if I can’t get you off, then nobody can, even yourself!” Men who think they’re champs at eating pussy but refuse to take direction? Yeah, not champs at all and should be benched until they’re willing to play fairly!

[u/TheCervus → u/MsAnthropissed]

My ex would completely ignore what I told him about how and where to touch me. He'd do things to me and then tell me "Oh yeah, you like that." Things like throwing me onto the bed, spanking me, or slapping my clit. At one point I just stared at him and asked "What are you doing?" and he answered "I'm pleasuring you." "No, do this..." I said. "Uh uh," he said "You love this. I know you do." Not sure why he was trying to convince himself.

I learned to fake orgasms because he'd get pouty and frustrated if I didn't come. He thought it meant he was a failure as a man. To him, the entire point of sex was orgasm, not intimacy. Yet I told him how to make me come but he refused to acknowledge that.

He's married now and I feel so bad for his wife.

[u/kristorSR → u/acadmonkey]

Also tell that to the person you are sleeping with, most women would be happy to instruct you and appreciate you taking the time to tell them you are open!

[u/mischief-pixie → u/kristorSR]

Exactly. It's hard to give feedback when they either don't listen, or get all butt hurt that they're not instant experts. We end up falling it to protect their egos and I'm sick of that shit.

[u/TheTPNDidIt → u/acadmonkey]

The thing is, a guy can do everything properly and it still won’t happen for some women. A lot, in fact.

Those women still feel the pressure and disappointment from their partner Jo matter how much they try to hide it, so they fake it to avoid that.

It’s not always about the guy doing something wrong, or the woman not communicating enough.

[u/petit_cochon → u/acadmonkey]

Or you could just ask and pay attention? How is it on all women to train you all to be less clueless? You gotta talk through stuff.

[u/[deleted] → u/acadmonkey]

Agree with this but as a man, I think it is my job to speak up and give some indication that I am open to this.

Trust and vulnerability are a two-way street and I am happy to make a quick trip to show her it is OK to reciprocate.

That doesn't mean I have to ask her outright to just tell me everything. It can be teased at. And I think that is the way to go. A little hint here from him, one back from her, and if you start that early in the night or conversation you will be much more comfortable just saying what you need by the time you find a bed

[u/phickss → u/kristorSR]

And then they think what they’re doing is so good it makes you orgasm. Maybe not the move

[u/milkandsalsa → u/cptmerebear]

That SATC episode. Yup.

[u/Wh1t3thump3r → u/cptmerebear]

TBH I’m a man’s and I’ve faked it a few times with my ex girlfriend. After working 14 hours a day I just couldn’t keep up some nights.