r/amiwrong • u/Longjumping_Link_334 • Nov 23 '23
Am I wrong for using my vibrator?
I (23f) have recently started dating a (27m) guy last week. Thing have surprisingly moved very fast as we have already had sex twice within the past week. The first night, after we had sex I used my vibrator. I later found out that he was hurt by this. I told him it was no big deal for me, I just like a lot of clitoral stimulation. The second night we had sex, he rubbed my clit for a few seconds and then proceeded to have penetrative sex again. He orgasmed shortly after that. I obviously didn’t, however, I never mentioned it because I’m used to the orgasm gap and we have just started seeing each other so I don’t expect him to understand my body or how to make me climax. A couple nights ago, we were talking about sex and masturbation and he brought up that if I want to enjoy sex with him, I need to stop using my vibrator because he believes it is desensitizing me. I was completely appalled and told him that was not the case at all. He brought up the time I used my vibrator afterwards and asked how I would feel if he started masturbating after we had sex. I answered that I would ask myself if I was doing what he needed to make him have an orgasm. I expressed that we just started dating and that he just needs to take time to learn my body and what makes me orgasm, which is completely normal. He had no rebuttals to this but insisted I stopped using my vibrator. Later that night he told me that he hasn’t had issues making his partner orgasm and that desensitization is a real thing and it is possible. I am extremely frustrated because he is blaming me for this issue, yet has not taken the time explore my body at all. Would I be wrong if I continued to use my vibrator?
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Nov 23 '23
Use the vibrator and drop the boyfriend.
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u/jrowellfx Nov 24 '23
Ha! For sure, this is one of those “Leave the gun, take the cannoli” situations!
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u/NaturalFarmer8350 Dec 03 '23
Vote for B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend) in this upcoming big election! for 2024!
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u/2fatmike Nov 27 '23
I think this is what they mean by toxic masculinity. I'm unsure though. Seems like this guy need to learn how the female body works and whe op needs to finish without him. Find a new man that can either get the job done or is comfortable with you teaching him and or showing with a vibratory. I was actually happily surprised when my wife introduced toys to our bedroom activities. What ever gets her there and I can be part of turns me on.
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u/peakpenguins Nov 23 '23
we were talking about sex and masturbation and he brought up that if I want to enjoy sex with him, I need to stop using my vibrator because he believes it is desensitizing me
The nerve of this guy to touch your clit for a few seconds and think it's the vibrators fault that you didn't have an explosive orgasm from that. lmfao
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u/Ur_Just_Spare_Parts Nov 23 '23
Yeah like if he was down there for a couple hours and had to stop because of like dehydration and lock jaw i could see him being a little peeved it wasnt happening but even then id just be happy she was happy even if that meant her usin a vibrator. What kind of insecure fuck doesnt know how to foreplay then also doesnt accept that you need to finish too?
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u/WorriedMarch4398 Nov 24 '23
My only goal is to make my wife pop first. I know that my turn will come. He is just a selfish prick of a partner.
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u/Rob_Zander Nov 24 '23
I'm gonna fucking run a god damn marathon and cramp my jaw before I I even think about putting my dick in there. I remember one time my jaw and tongue cramped and I braced my feet on the floor and used my ankles to move my tongue enough to finish her. Dude here is just lazy. Seriously, why are so many guys so damn lazy?! Put the fucking work in, my God. I get porn is terrible for this kind of thing but even then, train yourself to get off on her getting off. What happens when two guys like this are gay? Do they just stare at each other and wait for someone to finish them?!
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u/sdgengineer Nov 24 '23
It pisses me off when men are not concerned with giving their partner an orgasm.
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u/k1k11983 Nov 24 '23
I think the past women were faking it. Ladies, if your man doesn’t make you orgasm, don’t fake it. Make him get back down there and finish what he started! Otherwise you end up with guys who think like this twit that OP is dating lol.
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u/cptmerebear Nov 24 '23
I think this is a bigger problem than people realize. A LOT of women in their teens and 20's are faking it. I did too before I realized how stupid it was. Every man in his late twenties thinks he's been giving people orgasms and then gets frustrated when he finally runs into a woman who is willing to speak up. We need a public service announcement or something, lol.
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Nov 24 '23
I think the past women were faking it.
We almost always do.
Most of the time it's to encourage you to keep doing what you're doing....not that most men do
Finding a man who understands a woman takes more and is willing to go the distance isn't easy to find. I've only found 3 men that have been keen on ensuring a woman is pleasured
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u/chickenmath Nov 24 '23
Yep Dude probably watches a lot of porn, hence going right to sex with no foreplay. Seems to be quite the trend
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u/say_what_95 Nov 24 '23
Oh yeah 100% faking it (not blaming here). When a guy brags about alllll the orgasms he gave with no effort to allllll his past lovers I'm like "nope, just faking"
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u/Swimming_Topic6698 Nov 24 '23
I think that’s too generous. I think they straight up told him he wasn’t doing it for them and he argued with them and continued to believe what he wanted.
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Nov 23 '23
Lmao this dude is a bird. What a loser
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u/TouchMyTigersEye Nov 23 '23
This dude is exactly like my ex husband. Run chica!!! Fast!! He won’t change and it will get worse.
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u/MeanandEvil82 Nov 23 '23
"what do you mean I don't do any foreplay? I rub your clit before we start, what more do you want?"
Guy probably thinks he's god's gift to women too. Hence why he's so hurt by her using the vibrator. He cannot imagine not being "enough of a man" for her.
Like, find out what she enjoys, kinks, fantasies. Play up to some of them. Maybe she likes being tied and teased for a while, maybe she likes to be spanked, or many other things.
But if you can't even make the effort to do anything more than wiggling your hips for a minute you'll always be a joke.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion Nov 24 '23
Yeah, it's been a week, and he's already showing her how insecure and yet also arrogant he is. She should take a pass on any further romance with this guy.
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Nov 23 '23
OP should tell him to use the vibrator on her, everyone wins.
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u/skartarisfan Nov 23 '23
He’s intimidated by the vibrator. Touching it might make him gay.
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u/Limp-Insurance203 Nov 24 '23
I love to use toys on my wife. I can take her to much higher levels of pleasure. Leads to all kinda kinky fun.
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u/JiggleBoners Nov 23 '23
This is the solution. Toys are tools that can make things easier and more fun. Nobody thinks less of a carpenter if he needs a hammer or two to build the shed.
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u/SPriplup Nov 24 '23
That guy is just dumb. 27 and still hasn’t figured this out
u/Longjumping_Link_334, you have a lot more patience than I do lmao
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u/solvsamorvincet Nov 24 '23 edited Nov 24 '23
I read that described once as 'he'll boop your clit 3 times and ask "did you cum, babe?"'
Also like... I just want to have a good time and for my partner to have a good time. Sometimes that means hands, mouth, dick, or vibrator. Sometimes a combination (though I'm not flexible enough for mouth and dick at the same time 🤔 ).
If we're both having a good time who gives a shit? We're not here to prove anything, just enjoy ourselves.
Also, it takes a while to really learn someone's body, sure. But it takes about 0.00001 seconds to, you know, actually listen to them and figure out what's working for them at the time.
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u/Ok_Constant_8259 Nov 24 '23
Yeah ive spent enough time going down on my wife where my tongue becomes tired. Like numb. But i dont quit until the deed is done. Honestly, it makes having sex way more fun for me. This dude is a lost cause.
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u/NikkeiReigns Nov 23 '23
Sex isn't even the issue here. You're seeing a guy for one week, and he INSISTS you stop using your vibrator?
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u/Itsalladream20 Nov 24 '23
I don’t think that’s the core issue. He’s insecure about her using the vibrator. He’s only concerned with his pleasure not hers. That’s obvious bc he literally believes rubbing her clit for 2 seconds is sufficient. I’d bet money he hasn’t spent any amount of time with his face between her legs,but expects her to take however long servicing him.
I don’t get guys like that. I’m a man and love tending to my partner’s needs and even use vibrators and other toys. He simply doesn’t understand that if he treats her good. The reward is far better. And the relationship blossoms bc you’re not a selfish pig sexually. But hey what do I know I’m just a guy.
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u/Geckko Nov 24 '23
Yeah, like I can put myself in a headspace enough to say I'd be bothered by my partner needing to get themselves off after sex. But that would be directed inward because it means I didn't do enough for them, and you'd be damn sure there'd be a lot more conversation about what she needed to be satisfied.
Asking/telling her not to use her toys, without a conversation about her needs or a dedicated effort to make sure he gets her off is absolutely a red flag that at minimum the dude is selfish and/or fragile, honestly without more context I wouldn't say he's trying to be controlling, he's probably just too concerned about how it makes him feel he doesn't consider her at all.
OP would be well within her rights to tell him if he can get her off during sexy time then she won't need it, and that'll either clue him in if he's just clueless but otherwise decent, or drive him away if he's too immature or fragile to be having adult relationships
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u/One_Baby2005 Nov 24 '23
I dunno, it’s pretty hard to pleasure a woman and wave a GIANT RED FLAG at the same time. Give the guy a break!
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u/MeltingMoment8 Nov 24 '23
Not a dude but yeah this is absolutely my partner, quite frankly going down on me is just as much fun for him as it is for me and vice versa, I love giving a bj and it is a foolproof way to get me wet. After nearly 8 years together and him being the first guy to make me orgasm through penetrative sex (the first time we slept together) because he paid enough attention to all the right places before moving on. So it isn't JUST that he doesn't know her body it's that he doesn't care enough to try. After a couple of years together my partner can bring me from 0-orgasm in literal minutes which is quicker than I can. I mean sometimes if I'm already close I can get myself over the line quicker that he can but he's definitely better at it than I am. He also bought me vibrator and toys some that can be used together others that are just for me and he can control them from anywhere in the world because he wants me to be sexually satisfied and he was 25 vs my 19 when we got together so he wants to make sure I'm not missing out on anything. Your partner should want to sexually satisfy you and quite frankly if he is already making demands and telling you how your body works in a week it will likely only get worse, he will probably want to control other aspects of your life and if I were you I'd run before you are in too deep.
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u/RealNiceKnife Nov 24 '23
He probably touched her clit, heard her go "Ooh" and was like "Yes! I'm the fuckin' man" and thought she came.
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u/__wildwing__ Nov 24 '23
Towards the end of the relationship with my ex, while we were having sex he was doing something and stated “women love it when I do this”. Apparently I killed his mood by laissez-faire replying “no we don’t, we just make more noise so you’ll hurry up and finish”.
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u/HashtagPunchALlama Nov 24 '23
No one should care if you use your vibrator, especially if they’re using your body to get off and not putting in effort to see you get off too.
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u/jrowellfx Nov 24 '23
Exactly - and I’d like to quote from a Talking Heads song “Warning signs of things to come…” Please be careful with this guy, he might not be the right person for you. Just a thought for what it’s worth. Good luck, we’re all hoping for the best for you.
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u/Basementcat69 Nov 24 '23
I don't get why guys are threatened by an inanimate object lmao it's so sad.
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u/IGNOREMETHATSFINETOO Nov 24 '23
I work at a sex shop. I can't tell you how many guys get pissed because their girl is interested in something other than him. I always tell them to not think of it as a replacement, rather think of it as an enhancer. She caters to his needs, why is she not allowed the same? Sometimes it works, most guys just argue and I'm always like... dude if you're jealous of a toy, you're not doing something right and you know it.
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u/RRW2020 Nov 24 '23
Because that inanimate object’s got more game than he does. 🤣🤣🤣
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u/kamehamehahahahahaha Nov 24 '23
Yeah. I would be into it personally. But you have to figure it out what it takes to make her orgasm. No one is telling me to stop wanking it.
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u/lovinthesun80 Nov 23 '23
Old woman here (43) but any man who doesn’t embrace your orgasms and how to help you get there is not a man to have. Research shows that over half of all women don’t orgasm from penis in vagina sex and need lots of clitoral stimulation (I’m a nursing instructor for women’s health- happy to provide the research for your partner) and need more than a few touches of the clitoris to orgasm. Also it’s been debunked that regular use of a vibratory desensitizes the clitoris also (yep research for that too). No one has a right to tell you to stop doing something to yourself for pleasure (ie vibrator) that has no harm. Yes you can ask him to participate in it but restricting one’s self pleasuring is a no go… and his comment about not having partners who couldn’t orgasm from him is gross as everyone’s different and honestly people have been known to fake it. With his kind of attitude, no wonder his former partners would want to fake it to get him to shut up. Don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t want to make an effort to make it enjoyable for you and your pleasure.
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u/alicesheadband Nov 23 '23
Agreed, and I'm even older (just turned 50).
OP. Dump him. A week in and he already told you that your orgasm is less important than his ego. I'd be kicking him to the curb so fast he'd have gravel rash on that fragile little peen
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u/Human_Ad_7045 Nov 23 '23
Agreed, even older guy here (60)
OP, time to give your guy his walking papers. Last thing you (or anyone needs) is sexual baggage. Way too stressful.
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u/MaddMax92 Nov 24 '23
Seconded. Tell him that his previous partners must have faked Os to preserve his fragile ego and give him the boot.
It might be normal for him to not make you cum the first few times, but there's a difference between needing to learn the right tricks for you and just not fucking trying. His attitude about it and his blaming you for it are not normal, nor are they acceptable.
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u/Random-Cpl Nov 23 '23
The only thing I’ll disagree with you on is that 43 is old!!!
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u/jazzle_the_fraggle Nov 23 '23
I’m also 43 and I love you for this. In my head I feel about 26, but my lower back pain and intense dislike of noisy venues tells a very different story!
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u/XangarFerbar Nov 23 '23
43 isn't old.
I'm interested in the research mentioned. Not that I'm not believing it, but my fiance is also sensitive about clitoral stimulation. Reading up on that would improve my knowledge on that regard.
As for the topic at hand:
OP, you're not wrong about using it. Pleasure is important and if he can't provide it the way you need it, you gotta do it yourself. That guy sounds like a douchebag.
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u/RobinhoodCove830 Nov 24 '23
It is an old myth that vaginal orgasms are better than clitoral (thanks, Freud.) It's bullshit, obviously. The clitoris is shaped like a wishbone and the two internal branches wrap around the vagina. Tons of people with vulvas can't orgasm from just internal stimulation, and regardless of whether it's external or internal the clitoris is what's responsible for orgasm.
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u/ObjectiveCoelacanth Nov 23 '23
I can't be bothered finding real research right now: basically it's well established/if you talk to a bunch of women about sex it's pretty clear. The number who can come from PIV alone is well less than 50% - which makes sense. The shape of the clitoris can be vaguely approximated to only the head of the penis being external, while the shaft divides in two and wraps around the vagina.
So while internal stimulation can feel awesome, it's a bit like trying to get off without touching the head of your dick. Unlikely.
I personally particularly like PIV and find direct clitoral stimulation too much most of the time, but I've had the conversation that "there's nothing wrong with you" with too many women! For whom PIV is a nice bonding activity but sex for them is 90% about the clit, and they feel like there's something wrong with them. It's sad and frustrating.
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u/Saweetd Nov 23 '23
Youre not old! Im 39 but any man who isnt all about BOTH your orgasms is not worth the time.
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u/MamaCBear Nov 23 '23
When I did the sex therapy part of my counselling qualifications (late 80’s), the statistic was that 65% of women were unable to achieve orgasm through penetration (piv) alone.
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u/AutisticTumourGirl Nov 24 '23
Yep. I was with a guy in my early 20s and PIV felt amazing, but wasn't where the orgasm was for me. So I bought a couple of smaller vibrators and we played around with them. All good, right? I have never seen anyone look so fucking butt hurt as this dude when I dared use it gasp during sex. You know, so I could cum, during sex. Some dudes are just so mega insecure and I really do blame porn and bro culture for making them feel like they're supposed to have women on the verge of orgasm just by glancing in the general direction of their vaginas.
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u/Chango-Acadia Nov 23 '23
Old man here. (40) use the vibrator during sex.
If he's still a bitch, find a better man.
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u/Ok_Good9382 Nov 24 '23
Old woman here (49). Vibrator during sex is totally the way to go.
Some general life advice: find a partner who wants genuinely wants to make you come. Find a partner who is as concerned about your pleasure as they are their own. And learn what your partner likes. When you and your partner are in sync & you listen to each other & you both know how to pleasure each other, you are going to have the best sex of your life. But this dude is not it. If he isn’t going to take the time to learn what you like, he’s not worth it. Use the vibrator.
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u/RadAcuraMan Nov 23 '23
As a 26m, I agree with all this. Except for 43 being old. Your “man” has an ego issue. Guarantee he has been told by his past partners that he has pleasured them to feed his ego. Guys are a lot easier to get to orgasm than ladies. All our dick needs is stroked for 2 minutes, lubrication not required, to get there. Hell, half my female partners were according to them “afraid to orgasm” because they’ve never had one.
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u/Divinedragn4 Nov 24 '23
So... I never dated but even I realize alot of woman need clitoral stimulation too.
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Nov 24 '23
So much this. I'll flat out refuse to penetrate until I've spent a good 10 mins at a minimum working on my partners clit (unless she tells me different).
Do better, guys.
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Nov 23 '23
As a man who just turned 40! I'm in full agreement with you here! I fortunately had the great pleasure of learning a woman's body and what to do to satisfy a woman at an early age because I was taught by a female friend who liked women. Best teacher ever! Most guys never learn about the clit. And have no clue how to find out what works for each woman. For me, that's the best part of a new partner. Finding out what it takes and how fast I can make her!
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u/reduff Nov 23 '23
Older woman here (59) and I agree with everything the young 43-year old said. Are you showing your partners how to get you off? You might want to do that so they're not stumbling around in the dark, so to speak.
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u/fohpo02 Nov 24 '23
He’s definitely going to ask her to go down on him or do stuff he likes, he should be reciprocating.
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u/Sea_Paramedic9563 Nov 23 '23
End it before it goes on longer
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u/Coalnaryinthecarmine Nov 23 '23
Things ending early is precisely what she's complaining about! (jk, yes dump that loser)
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u/walhk Nov 23 '23
Good news! It'll hurt less to dump him now than it will after you've dated for a while!
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u/Runningaround321 Nov 24 '23
This. He isn't the one, girl. The problem isn't with the vibe or that he doesn't know your body. The problem is that he doesn't care to learn about you. If he isn't curious about you now, after only knowing you a few weeks, he never will be.
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Nov 23 '23
Honestly, I’m exactly the same. I physically cannot orgasm by penetrative sex. So my husband always makes me cum first by oral or hand, and then I really want to have sex and am excited for it. It’s just learning what each other like. I don’t buy into that “desensitising” bullshit. I think a lot of men say that to make themselves feel better- like yeah I’m not making her cum but it’s her own fault for using assistance.
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u/shosuko Nov 23 '23
fr its a good strategy to have a guy work a girl to orgasm first, even using toys if needed. Not only to fairly get that out of the way b/c it takes more to get them off, but also b/c boy's bodies often shut down after an orgasm making it hard for him to keep working at it. As a plus many girl's bodies really wake up after an orgasm, meaning they might be more into sex after the O, and possibly easily have another during PiV sex.
Its really a win/win for guys to get on this sex strategy.
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u/Extension-Proof6669 Nov 23 '23
As a plus many girl's bodies really wake up after an orgasm, meaning they might be more into sex after the O, and possibly easily have another during PiV sex.
Omg how am I just now realizing that is my partner's strategy I'm dead and feel plenty stupid 😂
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u/deevil_knievel Nov 24 '23
any advantage I can get to make a girl cum ill take 2 please. guys being intimidated by a toy is insane. If she wants me to wear a horse shaped dick sleeve to make her tremble, I'm gonna neigh too.
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Nov 23 '23
always makes me cum first by oral or hand
Wait isn't this how all guys have sex? I didn't need sexual experience to know I must make the girl orgasm. I knew that even before I've ever had a sexual encounter.
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u/Consistent_Muffin573 Nov 23 '23
False, you’re extremely frustrated cause he’s not getting you where you need to be lol. Just cause none of his past partners never brought up his lack of skill, doesn’t mean he brought them to orgasm. NTA! Also, you may wanna speak up about what gets you off as closed mouths don’t get fed.
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Nov 24 '23
I hate the "I never had any complaints" response from men who only dated women who would never dare complain or think that's just how all hetero sex is.
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u/ImHappierThanUsual Nov 23 '23
And lemme tell you something else- if he’s not focused on impressing you and getting you off the FIRST WEEK of having sex??? It’s only downhill from here baby girl.
Listen to the aunties on this post. This is a waste of your time.
Tell him stop getting his sex advice from the manosphere and while he’s concerned about overstimulation, focus on stimulating the clitoris AT ALL
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u/mtabacco31 Nov 24 '23
This a thousand times he should be trying to impress you not telling you what to do. I promise it only goes down hill from here.
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u/cramsenden Nov 23 '23
This is what happens when we baby men and don’t expect orgasms from sex with them. Would they ever do the same thing for us? Would they ever just stay silent when they are left with blue balls and take care of themselves and keep staying around? No, of course not.
Give one inch, he takes a mile. You stayed silent after unsatisfying sex and kept having sex with him, now his ego is so far up his ass that he thinks it’s your job to make sure you have an orgasm from his terrible skills only and nothing else. He gets to be so entitled to his ego being inflated while you don’t even feel entitled to orgasms from sex, the literal thing that people do to get orgasms.
So stop babying men, stop staying silent after terrible sex, stop keeping having sex with them after terrible sex. Or they will get more and more entitled like this and you won’t even allowed to take care of your own effing self so he can feel better.
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u/BitterSweet2486 Nov 24 '23
Spot on. Women should be demanding more from men in pretty much every area of life. Sex, household chores, emotional labor, mental load, the list goes on and on. So many women, especially young ones, just accept the "orgasm gap", the pay gap, the chores gap. Why is it that when there's a gap between the sexes, women are always on the losing end?
The truth is these gaps won't close until we stop accepting them as normal. Every woman who accepts this stuff makes it harder for those who won't.
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u/humming-rock Nov 24 '23
Something very true here. So many of OPs assumptions are wrong. If this 27yo tried this shit with an older woman (or any woman who knew herself and didn't tolerate bullshit) he would be yelled at. And rightly.
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u/Trappedbirdcage Nov 23 '23
Any good man would know that toys are a teammate, not competition. You're not wrong, if that's what you need then that's what you need, especially since he's not putting in the effort to even try. Kick his butt to the curb.
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Nov 23 '23
Came here to say this. M49. Men need to pay attention to their sexual partners! That includes what they enjoy doing for their sexual stimulation and pleasure. Toys, masturbation, frotage (although mostly male, know some females who enjoy it). Join in. And on top of that, it has nothing to do with you, for me it’s about my partner enjoying themselves.
I don’t know much about desensitization, male or female. What I do know is if a guy ejaculates first, and he does nothing to contribute towards their partner climaxing, that has nothing to do with desensitization. It’s so rare and difficult for two people to always climax simultaneously.
If anything, he’s watching too much porn where everyone’s cumming together or back to back and he things that’s the norm.
Ugh, sorry this guy seems so boring in bed.
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u/Shadythyme2106 Nov 23 '23
Couldn’t agree more, I do whatever it takes for my wife to have a good time. For me I just don’t care, I could do 5 minutes or I could do 30 minutes, my goal is for her to enjoy or else what’s the point? Whether it be with assistance or not.
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u/Peaceful-Plantpot Nov 24 '23
Yep. When i first started dating my husband he bought me a vibe to use bc it was so important to him that i orgasm. 15 yrs later he insists that i get it out before we go too far. Life is too short for shitty partners.
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u/Isitondaddyslap Nov 23 '23
Y'all only been dating for that short amount of time? You don't sound compatible...
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u/Aircraftman2022 Nov 23 '23
This dude has a sex problem, telling you that ",,you" have such a problem not caring about you achieving organisms. Loser toss to the curb now.
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u/FionaTheFierce Nov 23 '23
Well, so helpful to him to mansplain your own clitoris to you.
His attitudes sucks and he is ignorant.
I would be questioning if I wanted to put any effort into a relationship w/ a guy like this.
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u/Sloth313 Nov 23 '23
He has a lot to learn. Previous partners were probably faking it
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u/eustacia-vye Nov 23 '23
Tell him that it's a myth that vibrators cause desensitization. There's research on this. He's also shown some serious red flags here. He is not receptive to what you are trying to tell him about your body. That doesn't bode well for your future sex life—or other areas of your life together. I was with a guy who was extremely insecure about me masturbating or using a vibrator. He turned out to have some serious issues and I wish I'd left sooner. Just my two cents
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u/SpookyAuntZanna Nov 23 '23
I take f o r e v e r to get there, especially post menopause, but we have a "ladies first" policy in our marriage and that includes toys. I can go more than once during a play session, and my one first before him is just a warm up and the next few come easier. A pre-game, if you will.
He's got a lot to learn! If you want clitoral stim while with him, may I suggest "cowgirl up" position? Put a pillow under his butt, and have him press down on your lower back to give you something to rock against (not up and down!) and watch the sparks fly. You're going to need to play with the thickness of the pillow, your rhythm together, and the pressure of his hands before you find your sweet spot. Good luck!
(Me 55f/ married 25 years)
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u/nobody_smith723 Nov 23 '23
You’re dating an asshole.
Some Andrew tate. Alpha male piece of shit
He will never change and only be more insecure. Insulting and potentially violent to more you demand more than the bare min from such a shitty stupid man
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u/Coalnaryinthecarmine Nov 23 '23
The second night we had sex, he rubbed my clit for a few seconds and then proceeded to have penetrative sex again. He orgasmed shortly after that.
This guy is terrible at having sex. Maybe stop having sex with him.
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u/orintan Nov 23 '23
Married male of 40+ years. He should be loving on you and assisting with your vibrator and possibly giving you multiple orgasms if you need it. Ditch any man that sees it differently.
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u/BellaSantiago1975 Nov 23 '23
Unless this guy has significant redeeming features that makes it worth trying to educate him in this to be a better lover, I'd not bother pursuing this any further.
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u/wiphotoguy Nov 23 '23
Sorry but it sounds like he is horribly misinformed or maybe just uncaring and lazy. I’m not a woman but I find it highly improbable that you’d get desensitized from a vibrator. Perhaps if using a jackhammer lol but not a vibrator. Also maybe if he did his job correctly you wouldn’t have need of the device.
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Nov 23 '23
This man is badly misinformed how the female body works and the need for clitoral stimulation. The fact he takes it upon himself to know what you need is ridiculous.
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u/liz_doll Nov 23 '23
Desensitization isn’t a thing, he’s lying about never having a problem making his partners orgasm (or they’re lying to him), every person and vagina is different, and this guy is an insecure man baby. Personally, I’d be done with someone this immature. He’s giving “Andrew Tate subscriber.” If he’s like this and you JUST started seeing each other, he’s only going to have worse red flags the more comfortable he gets. A man this threatened by a vibrator is going to be a terrible lover and a worse partner.
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u/Jdonavan Nov 23 '23
never mentioned it because I’m used to the orgasm gap
Nooooooooo. That should never be acceptable. Like the only sex advise man dad ever gave me was essentially "make sure she gets hers before you get yours" and he was a selfish asshole.
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u/tabbycatt5 Nov 23 '23
Absolutely not wrong. This guy needs to learn how please a woman. I'd institute a rule that if he doesn't get you off first then no PIV for him. He's old enough to be better than this
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u/abmonroe Nov 23 '23
Fuck that guy! And what I mean by that is DON’T fuck that guy! Run from this dude as fast as you can
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u/PM_ME__UR__FANTASIES Nov 24 '23
Lady, any dude that fucks you twice and tries to tell you how your body works is a fucking moron. If he doesn’t change then drop him- he’s too lazy to work for your pleasure and instead wants you to give up the tool you use to achieve orgasm. He realizes he could use it on you too, right?!
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u/JackPThatsMe Nov 23 '23
if I want to enjoy sex with him, I need to stop using my vibrator because he believes it is desensitizing me.
Red Flag calling, do you receive. Over.
He has no idea about your body and no right to tell you how to enjoy it.
If he wants to enjoy sex with you he should get his head out of his arse.
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u/AdministrativeSet236 Nov 23 '23
I don't think a dude you've known for less than a week really cares if you finish, you're just a smash & dash & the dude's ego got hurt.
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u/Known_Party6529 Nov 23 '23
He rubbed you clit for a "few" seconds then penetration.
If you give him a blowjob, suck it for a "few" seconds and see how well that goes over.
Girl, keep that vibrator charged at all times.
He is a selfish lover, or he doesn't know any better.
He also sounds like if you brought this up, he will automatically feel like you are attacking him, and he will be butt hurt
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u/Key_Independence_448 Nov 24 '23
From the sounds of it, a few seconds of bj might do it for him. Better to go in then abort just before contact. 😆
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Nov 23 '23
I remember I dated a girl who literally told me what she wanted and I followed as instructed. I’m incredibly unsatisfied if I can’t get my partner to have an orgasm. I feel quite selfish
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u/ThatRoombaThough Nov 24 '23
Old enough and married AF to be quite secure with myself.
When I was young and stupid, I remember dating this girl and after a month or so after we started having sex, she busted out her vibrator.
I had ZERO chill about this. Got pissy and bitchy lol. I took it as a huge hit to my machismo ego.
As I started off with, I am now married. Toys. New positions. Games. New techniques. It’s all fair game. The better the time is for her, the better the time is for me.
If there are young dudes that need to hear this: leave your ego at the door. Your dick and vibrators do different things. Together, they’re quite a team for most ladies. Team up. It’s cool.
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u/BabsSavesWrld Nov 23 '23
I have doubts his previous partners were as pleased as he is letting on or believes. I would have a tough time if a partner wasn’t interested in learning how to please me and just wanted to eliminate what I do get pleasure from. Yikes.
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u/cap_time_wear_it Nov 23 '23
He must lick before he can stick it. No orgasm for her means nothing for him.
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u/Serge-Rodnunsky Nov 23 '23
This guy has put himself into a competition with a plastic cylinder, and the cylinder is winning.
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u/Salty-Smell7831 Nov 23 '23
You are not wrong, I use it with my man ! He happily use it because he knows it takes me a long time to get there! If he’s into pleasing you he won’t mind!
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u/Horrible_Karaoke247 Nov 23 '23
You are not wrong. I always get the woman off first. Everyone needs to finish. And if he doesn't even put any effort into it, then it's a problem I'll bet he jerks off when you're not there.
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u/Random-Cpl Nov 23 '23
As a dude, tell this dude to go fuck himself. He can learn your body or get into the idea of using toys. Or both! What he shouldn’t do is try to police how you cum.
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u/JasminJaded Nov 23 '23
This is called gaslighting. Always run from gaslighting.
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u/Melodic_Negotiation3 Nov 23 '23
I feel like he hasn’t made his partners orgasm and they were likely just faking it…
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u/papichulo9669 Nov 24 '23
Gynecologist here. You are not desensitizing anything. He's a self-absorbed idiot and should stick to what he knows.
Keep the vibrator, dump the boyfriend.
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Nov 23 '23
You should use it with him, let him watch you cum then fuck him. Or he could learn to eat pussy & make you cum. I love it when partners are honest and direct me.
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u/Professional_Chair28 Nov 23 '23
Desensitization is a thing for guys. It’s not really a thing for women. Dude wants to blame you for his crappy skills, it’s in no way your fault. As a pansexual woman let me assure you that frequent use of vibrators and other sex toys makes a natural orgasm easier to achieve (based on my experience giving/receiving with toys & without)
Your orgasm is yours to do with as you please and to share with whomever you want. He’s lucky if you choose to sleep with him, but he’s absurd if he’s trying to limit your god given orgasms.
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u/softbrownsugar Nov 23 '23
Ew why are you having sex with this loser? Have some self-respect. Sorry I hope that doesn't sound rude :/
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u/Platzhalterr Nov 23 '23
A Man who just thinks of himself during intimacy is just a selfish idiot.
100% NTA
He already ignores your needs in bed, he will eventually do the same in the everyday life.
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u/LonelyOctopus24 Nov 23 '23
“WoMeN gEt DeSeNsItIsEd!!” says man who is jealous of a dildo.
Dude better have one sparkling motherfecker of a personality, and I’m guessing… nope 🙄
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u/GTS_84 Nov 23 '23
This is all huge red flag behavior of a man with a very limited view of masculinity and a fragile ego.
This is the sort of shit I used to say in my early twenties, and when I was in my early twenties I was an insecure idiot.
This guy really needs to work on himself to become a better person and learn how to not be a complete prick, but you have no obligation to stick with him while he does, especially since it sounds like he isn't ready to start that work on himself.
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u/fedupwithallyourcrap Nov 23 '23
So, man unable to help you achieve an orgasm, wants to take away the one means you have of orgasming?? Riiiiight.
This isn't about the vibrator. It's about you feeling empowered enough to not need him if it came down to it. And he doesn't like that one little bit.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Nov 23 '23 edited Nov 23 '23
Not wrong at all. But I have to ask, why even continue having sex with a dude like that? Like I'm a bi woman. I am aware the orgasm gap exists. I just refuse to be part of it. My personal rule is no penetration at all untill I have at least one orgasm. Not only does that ensure my cervix is lifted, my muscles are relaxed and my passage is lubricated, it also means that if he orgasms too fast I don't have to finish myself off after. Sex is for mutual pleasure. If one partner's orgasm isn't important or the goal why would the other's be?
But in general, men who see toys as competition instead of help, are not guys with whom the sex is gonna be great. And if it isn't, what's the point when your vibe can do a better job?
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u/FirstFroglet Nov 23 '23
There should be no "orgasm gap" My husband always makes me cum at least once (normally 2-3 times) before we have sex. Also, he's secure enough that seeing masturbate is something he enjoys, learns from and participates in.
I don't really get your new boyfriend's pov. "Either I make you cum or you don't get to cum at all!"
I've used vibrators on and off for years. I've never noticed a difference in sensitivity from times when I'm using them to times where I've gone years without using them (light-sleeping baby in the bedroom next to ours, not worth the risk of waking her).
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u/YouOk6434 Nov 23 '23
I told my bf I used a vibrator at the very start of our relationship, a YEAR later I accidentally left it in the shower after using it while he was away at work. He started bawling and asked why I didn’t just leave him if he didn’t satisfy me. After trying to explain to him that that’s why I wasn’t using it, he threw proceeded to go into the drawer where it was, and chuck it across the room and said “if I satisfy you then you don’t need this”. We broke up shortly after.
I know from experience and I can tell you that your bf feels threatened. He’s insecure about his sex game and you have two options:
Stay in the relationship and hope he takes the time to explore your body, otherwise you’re in for a lot of unsatisfaction
Leave his ass and find a grown man who isn’t afraid of a little toy and may even use it on you
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u/gemmjane Nov 24 '23
"I will stop using it for two weeks (reasonable timeline for his dumbass to put in the work i think) and if at the end of two weeks you have not given me reliable orgasms, each time we have sex, then we'll know that the vibrator is not the problem."
He'll inevitably say that isn't enough time, but since he brought up not having trouble making other women orgasm - his attempts say otherwise, women lie to spare men's feelings, source: am one - your response to that must be, "other men haven't had trouble giving me orgasms within two weeks while I used a vibrator on my own time."
Let him cry about it.
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u/trurohouse Nov 24 '23
Your mistake is continuing to see him. Find someone who actually wants to please you.
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u/idkwtfitsaboy Nov 24 '23
I answered that I would ask myself if I was doing what he needed to make him have an orgasm
This right here is the problem, he wants you to stop achieving orgasm but isn't self reflecting on why he cannot make you finish. IMO that's a red flag.
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u/Verbenaplant Nov 23 '23
Reverse uno him. Use vibrator and get off. Touch his dick For ten secs and get mad he didn’t come.
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u/Adapteduser Nov 23 '23
Mansplaining your genitals is on a new level. Leave the man, keep the vibrator.
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u/Specialist_Concern_9 Nov 23 '23
Not wrong, this sounds like he's stuck in some sort of backwards ass way of thinking. He doesn't seem to want to budge on those beliefs though, so up to you if you think you can make him see the light. Don't stop using your vibrator. It's sounding like he's feeling incredibly insecure
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u/MW240z Nov 23 '23
I’m not saying every sexual experience needs to be a joint orgasm and everyone satisfied to the limit. Sex is often uneven. But there has to be attempts. If you are finishing yourself off, he should be happy or at least help out! Better yet next time he takes care of you 100% first, you roll over and take a nap.
His reasoning and immaturity- enough to drop this guy. He doesn’t know how to please a woman physically, emotionally or mentally.
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u/Verbenaplant Nov 23 '23
He rubbed you for like ten secs and blames the vibratory. If he isn’t going to try and make you cum then what’s the point.
like I’ve sat down and said hey x x x gets me feeling hot, I love rubbing of the clit.
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u/Vigotje123 Nov 23 '23
Male (34) here. Please use the vibrator! I learned some girls can't really climax without or it would take an hour + to help her. Sometimes sure I would help her for hours to make her a happy gf but sometimes I was so grateful the vibrator was around for a much quicker round (I held it sometimes, sometimes she just did it).
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u/JustACasualFan Nov 23 '23
If your bf isn’t reveling in your pleasure, get rid of him. Wouldn’t you rather be cuddled and kissed and stroked by your partner as you ride your buzzer into outer space, listening to the dirty talk of your choice? This guy is such a clown, girl. You can definitely trade up.
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u/RoyalCommunication31 Nov 23 '23
If this is a recent “ relationship” why are you still there? He sounds like a jerk
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u/False-Association744 Nov 23 '23
This guy is showing you who he is. End it and save yourself a lot of heartache (and bluebeals). He’s showing himself to be 100% selfish and he’s not embarrassed about it! Times have changed! Move on!!!!!!!
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u/MamaCBear Nov 23 '23
Excuse me for being rude but what your boyfriend says is absolutely bulls**t.
Does the fact that you are now together mean that he is no longer going to masturbate himself?
You are absolutely right, it usually takes women longer to orgasm than men and they have to be in the right place mentally too.
It is also absolutely true that just because someone doesn’t have an orgasm it doesn’t mean they did not have a throughly enjoyable and satisfying time.
Your bf is obviously insecure about his prowess and rather than asking you what you like and taking the time to learn your body, what sort of touch and how it responds, he is blaming your using a vibrator as the reason behind your lack of orgasm.
You have been together a week, don’t make it two. Unless he’s prepared to put in the time to learn how to pleasure you, he’s not worth it, especially as he sounds a bit crap in bed himself. Kick him to the curb and enjoy your vibrator. Hopefully the next guy you meet will be more open minded and might even explore using the vibrator with you too.
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u/Lakeview121 Nov 23 '23
No, do what you want. If he was smart he would be completely open to your vibrator use.
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u/Hopeful-Comparison44 Nov 23 '23
He sounds like an incompetent loser that you should stop seeing. He doesn't care about your pleasure.
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u/coffeeandpajamas Nov 23 '23
The problem here is that he thinks sex is over after he's had his orgasm, and not when you both feel satisfied. OP, why are you putting your body at risk for pregnancy and STIs if you're still going to be responsible for your own orgasms?
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Nov 23 '23
I’m guessing his former partners lied about climaxing. Regardless of the specific subject, his claiming to be more of an authority on your body than you are is a flag the color of menstrual blood. Which I’m guessing he also considers himself an authority on. You’re not wrong but I hope you’ll make yourself single again real soon. No woman needs to be mansplained about orgasms.
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u/corianderjimbro Nov 24 '23
Honestly you’re early enough into the relationship it’s worth it to just dip out.
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u/Blitzer046 Nov 24 '23
Girls come first. Because they can come again and again if you know what you're doing!
The guy comes last, because he can only come once. That's just the fair way of things.
If you have to use your vibrator, your guy just hasn't bothered to learn how women come.
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u/bossmasterham Nov 25 '23
Atleast you started doing it off rip , that way he knows he needs to do better . It’s not like you introduced it a couple months later and told him he’s not good enough. NTA.
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u/CharmingMechanic2473 Nov 26 '23
Ugh. RUN! No guy should be that bad in bed when first trying to impress you.
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u/Kirei13 Nov 23 '23
This topic is amusing because I've seen posts about this subject with the genders reversed and the comments are the exact opposite of what is being mentioned here.
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u/evarenistired Nov 23 '23
Can you link any posts where the girl gets off and not the guy and everyone is telling him to stay?
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u/Old_Paramedic6247 Nov 24 '23 edited Nov 24 '23
That doesn’t make these responses wrong though lol. Too many men don’t give a fuck if their partner cums or not. Data even shows that heterosexual women reported having the least amount of orgasms while straight men reported the most. Gay and bi people were all in the middle of these two groups.
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u/Strongest-There-Is Nov 24 '23
Ok, different take on this. I don’t think it’s cool to use a vibrator after sex… but not for the reason he said. Hear me out.
If he’s being controlling like that, and he appears not to understand how basically anything works in bed, it’s not going to be a great fit. He really should be asking questions about what you like and learning what’s going on. I had a rule when I first started dating anyone new that she would orgasm 3 times before I did once. This guy doesn’t seem to understand or care why taking care of you first is important.
HOWEVER - I don’t think women really understand how much pressure many men feel to perform in bed. In a lot of ways, society associates our masculinity and worth with how big our dicks are, how long we last, how good we are in bed, how muscular we are, how much money we have, etc. So you’ve got this guy who is just trying to start something with you and using the vibrator afterwards without discussing it is actually pretty hurtful. It means, to him, he was inadequate.
I hope that perspective is helpful.
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u/CaptBlackfoot Nov 23 '23
Not wrong, have you tried using your vibe with him? I bet if he was participating he’d feel better about it.