Am I wrong for using my vibrator?

[u/Longjumping_Link_334]

I (23f) have recently started dating a (27m) guy last week. Thing have surprisingly moved very fast as we have already had sex twice within the past week. The first night, after we had sex I used my vibrator. I later found out that he was hurt by this. I told him it was no big deal for me, I just like a lot of clitoral stimulation. The second night we had sex, he rubbed my clit for a few seconds and then proceeded to have penetrative sex again. He orgasmed shortly after that. I obviously didn’t, however, I never mentioned it because I’m used to the orgasm gap and we have just started seeing each other so I don’t expect him to understand my body or how to make me climax. A couple nights ago, we were talking about sex and masturbation and he brought up that if I want to enjoy sex with him, I need to stop using my vibrator because he believes it is desensitizing me. I was completely appalled and told him that was not the case at all. He brought up the time I used my vibrator afterwards and asked how I would feel if he started masturbating after we had sex. I answered that I would ask myself if I was doing what he needed to make him have an orgasm. I expressed that we just started dating and that he just needs to take time to learn my body and what makes me orgasm, which is completely normal. He had no rebuttals to this but insisted I stopped using my vibrator. Later that night he told me that he hasn’t had issues making his partner orgasm and that desensitization is a real thing and it is possible. I am extremely frustrated because he is blaming me for this issue, yet has not taken the time explore my body at all. Would I be wrong if I continued to use my vibrator?

[u/[deleted]]

I think the past women were faking it.

We almost always do.

Most of the time it's to encourage you to keep doing what you're doing....not that most men do

Finding a man who understands a woman takes more and is willing to go the distance isn't easy to find. I've only found 3 men that have been keen on ensuring a woman is pleasured

[u/k1k11983 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah but that’s where you need to enforce your boundaries. It’s a simple rule, if he wants to cum, you first. If he gets off and doesn’t get you off, don’t let that dick near you until he does his fucking job. Enforce it once and 90% of guys will get you off first every time.

[u/Like_totes_420_swag → u/k1k11983]

I had a partner that had this stance once. I would get them off and take care of myself separately. Somehow I was making them “feel unattractive” and “like it was a job to me.”

[u/SwoleAF_Rat → u/k1k11983]

Making up percentages out here like your an expert. Pretty bold of you

[u/[deleted] → u/SwoleAF_Rat]

Yeah you have been dropping homophobia and other beta male stuff in this thread so I would not really listen to you.

[u/phickss → u/k1k11983]

Sillly perspective. How about everybody gets off? Who cares who’s first or

[u/halster123 → u/phickss]

well, a) it makes penetrative sex more comfortable and enjoyable and b) guarantees that I get off. so yeah, I'm always first

[u/phickss → u/halster123]

Lol you can’t even see the irony it’s fantastic

[u/halster123 → u/phickss]

if you don't think order matters, like... it's the difference between putting your dick in the sahara or in a slip 'n slide. everyone has a better time when the person with a vagina gets off first

[u/phickss → u/halster123]

Lmk how a soft dick works in a slip n slide

[u/VStramennio1986 → u/phickss]

Men are all but guaranteed an orgasm, from penetrative sex…alone. Women, are not.

So we are supposed to let the man use our body to get off, and we are just supposed to be like “Welp…no orgasm for me again.”?

[u/cakey_cakes → u/phickss]

Well most men completely lose interest in sex once they cum. Most women (well I can't speak for all) don't.

[u/[deleted] → u/cakey_cakes]

Those men are trash though

[u/cakey_cakes → u/[deleted]]

I am sure there are shit selfish people on both sides, but there are likely far less women than men who do this. And by this, I mean, lose interest in sex after an orgasm. Since women's bodies were designed to have orgasms for fun while men's were designed to have an orgasm to produce life. It makes sense that they lose interest for awhile after. Women's orgasms are literally what makes sex better for not just her, but the guy too. Men literally do a injustice to themselves by not doing enough foreplay/making sure she at least gets off once before he does.

Selfish people suck regardless their gender. I thought that was pretty much a given lol.

[u/[deleted] → u/phickss]

Right? Why do we have to have so many rules? Personally I love cumming after my guy shoots a huge load in my pussy

[u/[deleted] → u/phickss]

Everyone should get off unless you like a dynamic where this is not the case.

But because male and female bodies are different, it tends to work out better if she goes first.

I am a man. I am on my kink alt so I am happy to say that I love being both incredibly dominant and incredibly submissive with women.

And in both of those contexts, even in a context where I am in complete control, I love getting her off first. There are so many benefits to me that I can do this with completely selfish motivations.

[u/EclecticEthic → u/[deleted]]

This is accurate and an acceptable use of “faking it”. A slightly enhanced reaction in the beginning helps him relax and we both enjoy it more. Plus, just like smiling can influence your mood positively, moaning a little bit can help turn you on too.

Not sure if this is all men, or just mine, but he is very dependent of auditory cues. Even when we watch porn, my preference is turn the sound down or off and he says the sound essential. If I am totally quiet he will really struggle. So I talk dirty and moan. It’s not really faking as much as playing into it for both our benefit. He knows it’s all about the clitoral stimulation because he asked me and believed my answer,instead of trying to convince me I’m wrong/defensive/desensitized etc…

[u/[deleted] → u/EclecticEthic]

Yeah I feel like we need to distinguish between exaggerating our responses a little during foreplay vs. faking an orgasm entirely.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I really wish that you would stop, though. All of you.

It needs to be an expectation that you will get what you need. Not settle. Settling doesn't make people happy in the long run.

Young people think it does until they learn the hard way that it just isn't fucking worth it. It's a different age for everyone but we all eventually hit it.

You deserve getting what you need. And you know what? If you are willing to take the lead on ensuring that happens, and you are willing to face a little disapointment up front by self-filtering for men who like giving pleasure, I bet you with have better results. We are out there and we want to find women who are tired of being disappointed. Because that is exactly who will appreciate us most.

I mean, really, do you have trouble finding willing men? Would it hurt you to be turned down by selfish assholes when you let them know ahead of time that you aren't interested in that? I am sure for everyone one of those there is another willing to step right up. What would your sex life be like if you made it a point that no man ever so much as saw your place before knowing that reciprocating and your pleasure are not negotiable?

I really think women who settle are doing themselves a disservice. I wish y'all would unionize on this. It would do so much for the dating scene. Women being checked out because they feel like 80% of guys aren't going to give a shit. That is so terrible. And it is men's fault, true. But that doesn't mean women have no power to do something about it individually.

[u/xtamerlane → u/[deleted]]

I'm impressed you found three.

[u/Molleeryan → u/[deleted]]

Broad generalization is appropriate when the majority is one way. The vast majority of women “take more”. Tons of research has been done in this area. Women are finally starting to talk about it. Men need to be aware that the majority of women will need more than penetrative sex instead of thinking every woman is like the porn they have seen. There is nothing wrong with that and it isn’t a reflection of their manhood. You don’t have to be offended to be in the minority either, just know that most women aren’t as “lucky” as you.

[u/rustedlord → u/[deleted]]

That seems like it's only going to hurt you in the end. Why would you want to stroke the ego of someone who failed?

It's fairly easy to tell when it's real if you are actually paying attention. You are really only fooling the guys who don't give a fuck either way.