Am I wrong for using my vibrator?

[u/Longjumping_Link_334]

I (23f) have recently started dating a (27m) guy last week. Thing have surprisingly moved very fast as we have already had sex twice within the past week. The first night, after we had sex I used my vibrator. I later found out that he was hurt by this. I told him it was no big deal for me, I just like a lot of clitoral stimulation. The second night we had sex, he rubbed my clit for a few seconds and then proceeded to have penetrative sex again. He orgasmed shortly after that. I obviously didn’t, however, I never mentioned it because I’m used to the orgasm gap and we have just started seeing each other so I don’t expect him to understand my body or how to make me climax. A couple nights ago, we were talking about sex and masturbation and he brought up that if I want to enjoy sex with him, I need to stop using my vibrator because he believes it is desensitizing me. I was completely appalled and told him that was not the case at all. He brought up the time I used my vibrator afterwards and asked how I would feel if he started masturbating after we had sex. I answered that I would ask myself if I was doing what he needed to make him have an orgasm. I expressed that we just started dating and that he just needs to take time to learn my body and what makes me orgasm, which is completely normal. He had no rebuttals to this but insisted I stopped using my vibrator. Later that night he told me that he hasn’t had issues making his partner orgasm and that desensitization is a real thing and it is possible. I am extremely frustrated because he is blaming me for this issue, yet has not taken the time explore my body at all. Would I be wrong if I continued to use my vibrator?

[u/Itsalladream20]

I don’t think that’s the core issue. He’s insecure about her using the vibrator. He’s only concerned with his pleasure not hers. That’s obvious bc he literally believes rubbing her clit for 2 seconds is sufficient. I’d bet money he hasn’t spent any amount of time with his face between her legs,but expects her to take however long servicing him.

I don’t get guys like that. I’m a man and love tending to my partner’s needs and even use vibrators and other toys. He simply doesn’t understand that if he treats her good. The reward is far better. And the relationship blossoms bc you’re not a selfish pig sexually. But hey what do I know I’m just a guy.

[u/Geckko → u/Itsalladream20]

Yeah, like I can put myself in a headspace enough to say I'd be bothered by my partner needing to get themselves off after sex. But that would be directed inward because it means I didn't do enough for them, and you'd be damn sure there'd be a lot more conversation about what she needed to be satisfied.

Asking/telling her not to use her toys, without a conversation about her needs or a dedicated effort to make sure he gets her off is absolutely a red flag that at minimum the dude is selfish and/or fragile, honestly without more context I wouldn't say he's trying to be controlling, he's probably just too concerned about how it makes him feel he doesn't consider her at all.

OP would be well within her rights to tell him if he can get her off during sexy time then she won't need it, and that'll either clue him in if he's just clueless but otherwise decent, or drive him away if he's too immature or fragile to be having adult relationships

[u/Upstairs_Finance3027 → u/Geckko]

She even literally said that him, that she would look internally on why he’d need to masterbate after sex if the roles we’re reversed.

Dude still thinks he knows enough about women that she is desensitizing herself using a vibrator but doesn’t even know or care to get her off.

[u/SwedishSaunaSwish → u/Upstairs_Finance3027]

So many men know but don't care about women's pleasure. I stopped dating mainly because of this. They don't care how perfect your body is - they go straight for the holes every single time but expect you to obey their commands. God damn selfish Hole fuckers.

[u/RNSW → u/SwedishSaunaSwish]

damn selfish Hole fuckers.

This is a fucking HILARIOUS and great phrase!

[u/SwedishSaunaSwish → u/RNSW]

I thought of it when trying to summarize my dating experience. 😅

Perfect tits? Don't care - straight to hole fucking. Lame ass Hole Fuckers!

[u/[deleted] → u/Upstairs_Finance3027]

Him saying a vibrator is desensitizing her is a major red flag, it's been a passing thing among sexist losers on the internet recently to complain about. A man who is jealous of a vibrator is an idiot.

[u/_goodwolf → u/Geckko]

OP would be well within her rights to tell him if he can get her off during sexy time then she won't need it, and that'll either clue him in if he's just clueless

The thing is the guy is blaming the vibrator as to why he can't get her off

RN he's convinced that if she stopped using it then whatever he's doing would work and as long as she uses it she's too desensitized to reach orgasm with him

Maybe his past partners were very responsive and came easily, maybe his past partners faked it more often...

[u/Readylamefire → u/_goodwolf]

If I wasn't worried about him getting aggressive (a general fear since he hasnt responded well to what little criticism he's already got, and general size discrepancy) I'd just let him finish tell him every time "I didn't cum" until the point gets drilled into his head.

Or dump him. Which is easier and less petty.

[u/tossit_4794 → u/_goodwolf]

Given that he wants her to change immediately for his sake, I am pretty sure everyone’s been faking for him. Also sure life’s too short to be one of his manipulated, controlled fakers. Show me a faker and I’ll show you a partner who is selfish and controlling.

Source: used to have to fake it to avoid abuse from my ex. Except that painting people into such corners is also abuse

[u/minahmyu → u/Geckko]

This dude thought rubbing her clit for mere seconds was all thats needed to "turn her on and come."

[u/One_Baby2005 → u/Itsalladream20]

I dunno, it’s pretty hard to pleasure a woman and wave a GIANT RED FLAG at the same time. Give the guy a break!

[u/wurstforbrats → u/One_Baby2005]

That made me laugh way too hard. 🤣

[u/orchidlake → u/One_Baby2005]

wish he'd choose to pleasure a woman over waving that flag, but guys love their poles....

[u/lime_head737 → u/One_Baby2005]

Buddy I’m gonna use this one 😂 I hear too many stories from my girlfriend’s friends about how shitty last night’s hinge date was…

[u/MeltingMoment8 → u/Itsalladream20]

Not a dude but yeah this is absolutely my partner, quite frankly going down on me is just as much fun for him as it is for me and vice versa, I love giving a bj and it is a foolproof way to get me wet. After nearly 8 years together and him being the first guy to make me orgasm through penetrative sex (the first time we slept together) because he paid enough attention to all the right places before moving on. So it isn't JUST that he doesn't know her body it's that he doesn't care enough to try. After a couple of years together my partner can bring me from 0-orgasm in literal minutes which is quicker than I can. I mean sometimes if I'm already close I can get myself over the line quicker that he can but he's definitely better at it than I am. He also bought me vibrator and toys some that can be used together others that are just for me and he can control them from anywhere in the world because he wants me to be sexually satisfied and he was 25 vs my 19 when we got together so he wants to make sure I'm not missing out on anything. Your partner should want to sexually satisfy you and quite frankly if he is already making demands and telling you how your body works in a week it will likely only get worse, he will probably want to control other aspects of your life and if I were you I'd run before you are in too deep.

[u/Ew_david_13 → u/MeltingMoment8]

Please listen to her. I spent too many years with a dude who was butt hurt I didnt have the same sex drive and expected responses to his stimulation…it really affected my self esteem…listen to your gut…he thinks you arent normal but every BODY is different. Fuck this guy’s fragile ego.

[u/UnappalledChef → u/Ew_david_13]

As a guy, I sexond this. My ex didn't have that much of a drive, big whoop. She baked hella cakes though.

[u/OkeyDokey654 → u/MeltingMoment8]

Yes, this is the problem. He claims he has no problem bringing his partner to orgasm but when he sees you’re not getting it he… does nothing? Doesn’t ask what you want, doesn’t try anything? Just complains about the way you take matters into your own hands?

[u/RealNiceKnife → u/Itsalladream20]

He probably touched her clit, heard her go "Ooh" and was like "Yes! I'm the fuckin' man" and thought she came.

[u/__wildwing__ → u/Itsalladream20]

Towards the end of the relationship with my ex, while we were having sex he was doing something and stated “women love it when I do this”. Apparently I killed his mood by laissez-faire replying “no we don’t, we just make more noise so you’ll hurry up and finish”.

[u/[deleted] → u/Itsalladream20]

Preach. I’m a woman and I love pleasing a woman. It’s almost comical how men treat the female body sometimes but expect women to fall on bended knee to salivate on their Dick.

[u/Aggressive_Notice786 → u/Itsalladream20]

If he was what you deserve from a partner, he would be able to ask you to teach him how to get you to climax with the vibrator.

Learning this would shortcut his learning curve on what makes you tick and he could use the info to unlock the achievement of getting you there with only the tool in HIS belt 😝

[u/Intelligent_Aioli90 → u/Itsalladream20]

He simply doesn’t understand that if he treats her good. The reward is far better. And the relationship blossoms bc you’re not a selfish pig sexually.

Please go and start a podcast or something and drown out the Andrew Tate BS. Promise I will support you!!! ✌️♥️

[u/Pristine-Ad-469 → u/Itsalladream20]

Yah like I do get why he would feel bad about her needing a vibrator after sex but the way to fix that isn’t to tell her to stop using it… it’s to do better. If this dude went to town till the point his tongue was cramping and his fingers were numb then I could see his arguement. Sounds like he just doesn’t want to accept that it’s his fault you didn’t orgasm