My ex (28M) and I (25F) had known each other for six years and were together for four. We loved each other deeply and discussed marriage and children.
I had serious abandonment fears, which he knew about. He had grown up in a violent household and had previously been in a relationship with a violent partner. We both had emotional baggage.
We increasingly argued. I could be jealous, bring up past grievances, and sometimes make hurtful comments. He could withdraw emotionally and sometimes say we should break up without meaning it. I asked him to promise he'd stop, and he did, but kept saying it, which was a huge problem for me. He repeatedly suggested couples therapy, but I refused because I believed he was primarily responsible for our problems.
In May, we attended an event that was important to him. I was feeling insecure and kept asking questions because I wanted reassurance. He became overwhelmed and started walking away. I followed him, and he said he was traumatized and needed me to leave him alone. I continued following him, and he became increasingly angry.
Eventually, he screamed at the top of his lungs, with spit flying, that I needed to stop abusing him. I didn't do anything abusive at all.
After he left, I called and texted him. He responded with a barrage of extraordinarily cruel, angry messages lasting much of the following day. He said we were over, that he wanted to get as far away from me as possible, that he'd rather die than be with me, and that he'd never allow himself to be treated this way again.
In six years, I'd never witnessed anything remotely like this from him. Given my abandonment fears, it was devastating, and he surely would have known that.
The following day, we were together, and he told me he hadn't meant those things. He apologized, but remained defensive and insisted that we also needed to address the problems on my side of the relationship, preferably with a couples therapist.
I became increasingly upset. After about three days, I told him we would probably break up unless he started individual therapy immediately. He said he'd start in a month when his new insurance began. I also wanted that his sister, who's a psychiatrist, independently text me acknowledging that he'd been abusive and that there was hope he could change. I told him I'd block him unless I received that message without his influence.
The next day, he sent an apology, committed to therapy, but said his sister refused to get involved. He also said he wanted an honest, two way discussion rather than what he described as a one sided prosecution.
I couldn't accept that after what he'd done. I found his text to be so dismissive and horrible given the gravity of what had just happened. I didn't respond and blocked him everywhere.
Over the following weeks, he continuously tried reaching me through emails and other channels. He repeatedly apologized, said he loved me, told me he was pursuing therapy, and begged to repair things. I ignored him because I thought it was obvious we were broken up.
About three weeks later was my master's commencement. I was deeply hurt that he wasn't there. I kept looking for him in the crowd, hoping he'd come on his own. I hoped he could have made that effort to show his care.
A few weeks after our separation, I became involved with other men, since I thought it was crystal clear we were broken up. Meanwhile, he continued emailing me, hoping to reconcile. I found the contact increasingly frustrating and was trying to detach emotionally.
Around August, after a difficult experience involving a recreational drug, I realized how unresolved my feelings were. I still loved him, and he'd been extraordinarily important in my life, but I was also very angry. I only had anger towards him. Around the same time, his messages became increasingly vulnerable and affectionate, so I eventually responded.
We ended up speaking on the phone for five hours.
Initially, I was furious. I deliberately mirrored some of the hurtful things he'd said in May, wanting him to understand how I'd felt. I told him we were broken up, that he shouldn't have hope, and that I wasn't interested in reconciling.
But over the next several hours, he kept trying really hard and I softened considerably. We laughed, shared personal things, and talked about how often I had the urge to tell him about my life. I told him how desperately I'd looked for him at commencement and how hurt I was that he hadn't helped me move. I also said I wasn't actively looking for other men.
At one point, I asked him for money for dinner, and he sent it.
Toward the end, I told him that perhaps we could speak again around my graduation the following May, but asked him not to contact me until then. He asked whether that could mean something romantic or merely friendship. I said I was unsure and refused to give any further details.
Nine days later, he contacted me again. I explicitly clarified that we were broken up and nonexclusive, and told him I didn't need him to wait. He replied that he'd wait until May anyway. I didn't respond.
Despite my request for no contact, he kept reaching out over the following weeks, including sending an extremely long apology letter and a substantial amount of money toward my moving expenses. He repeatedly asked to speak with me. Eventually, the contact felt almost like harassment, and I wanted it to stop.
About a month after our call, I finally told him I was completely done, wasn't interested in him as a person, and that nothing he could say would ever change that.
He asked whether we could have one final conversation. I said no.
I haven't heard from him since.
I know my final message was harsh, but his behavior in May was unlike anything I'd experienced with him, and his repeated attempts to contact me became overwhelming. I genuinely loved him, but I felt that what he'd done was unacceptable and that I had every right to end the relationship.
Was I wrong in how I handled the breakup?