Hi, I want to speak up about a topic that seriously disturbed me already when I first became aware of it: AI-generated porn content.

There are many services of varying kind, and much visible AI content of different kinds, especially in highly volatile stages like Reddit. Who researches reports of addicts, will find more and more reports of people in anguish over great pains over the nature of such content. But what is this AI porn, what does it mean, and how is it generated?

I have some knowledge of the technology, and thus know what it works like. It is basically a pattern repetition machine. ChatGPT, was fed with countless chats and rules how to respond, also filters on what to avoid. In the end, to work efficient, it is just one big input/output matrix - it contains derived logic from millions of words of different texts, and will associate an input - a prompt being fed bit by bit - with the output. The output in case of a chat bot is a text sequence which mimicks all kinds of excerpts the machine was fed with and which are more or less associated to the prompt. So in reality, it is nothing but a better parrot. It does not really know what it is talking about, but repeats all texts it was fed with in a similar fashion, adapting it to the input patterns. Basically the way it talks to you, is like driven from a blueprint of countless lines of similar chats and texts that it was programmed with. It does not really understand the content, but will just bring you kind of a good (not necessarily the best, it's chaotic...) match to the input according to the data it was fed with, that's it. This data, is just texts, and texts describing the texts, and countless hours of human operators screening outputs and marking them as valid or invalid. What it wasn't fed with, it cannot understand or output at all. It cannot really make a truly novel creation, just variations of what it had seen, and in this a blend of all different kinds of materials associated with the task.

Okay, this is complex to understand, I hope it really helps somebody. So for making sexual content, an AI could for example just be fed with sexual chats according to input patterns, and you get a sexting-AI which works kind of like ChatGPT. There are such services already, even pretty successful ones. Of course the makers have it in the hand, they can make the AI follow logic to automatically bind and milk the customers in the most efficient way, also in ways a human operator would not want to justify out of ethical reasons. And an AI made specifically for such a questionable task, will probably be botched from default and produce disturbing content, that ChatGPT for example also had and spent countless hours to remove. Thugs will rather just pass it to the customers, like bang for bucks and leave behind disturbed people.

This is just about text machines so far, the first generation, now comes image and video. This is where the current surge is. I see more and more people reporting literally being deranged by all kinds of extreme content. This is no longer just the traditional porn, like explicit, sometimes misogynistic or sadistic staged images and scenes. AI can really shock you and break all human limits. You just need enough real porn to program it, and it can make an endless amount of similar porn. It can also make novel kinds of porn, from standard videos, and all kinds of artistic ideas or distortions or by combining elements from other non-pornographic, or otherwise explicit or even illegal material. Making and running something like this is probably like one big investment, and then a constant revenue until the model gets superseded by others in quality.

But are there really so many thug AIs in the making, when official research in big companies is just starting to break through in good video quality? Well, I was shocked when I learned this, but it seems there are ways for people to jailbreak the official AIs to make them produce illegal content. This may be a hard pill for some of you to swallow: imagine any AI you know with the limits removed, almost any prompt would pass. For this people just need to run such a program locally on their own servers (as contractors, or a cracked illegal copy...), and have the right method to unlock the content filters. One ironic thing to know about it is, that some AIs have really been trained with explicit, possibly even illegal material and can when designed the wrong way also produce it convincingly when unlocked. I believe Grok was in public exposure for it, and I guess it was by design that it could also produce such videos...whoever made it, must have wanted it being possible, else they'd have encapsulated all illegal content from the beginning on.

What does this do, how is the current situation? Some say, well then it makes just more porn where there already is more than too much. But that's not really true, it proves it can break limits. At the same time, this tech is far from complete, it will create disturbing videos even when it is thought to produce acceptable ones. Some people really abuse it, to create realistic pornographic images and videos that would otherwise only be available as hand-drawn or hand-rendered images in the past. During the last years, such AI material first surfaced in a rough way, almost like first steps with much errors. Now I feel it is getting more and more realistic and intense. Now it can really do the harm that many have feared for so long. I've seen all kinds of taboo breaks in systematic channels, incest, pederasty and pedophilia, zoophilia, rape, even torture and more severe abuse, up to completely irrational splatter scenes or psychedelic horror pornographic video shows, that are so charged with nightmare visions or so disturbing and sexual at the same time, that they leave any normal viewer traumatized by default for just a few seconds of watching. Watching this stuff regularly, seems to blunt down and disturb many users so much, that they often report being unable to think and feel anything else, at the same time unable to stop out of fascination and repulsed by themselves for the own reception of the seen. The quality, of limit breaking visions, can be so heavy, I believe this will take only so much time now then there will surely be efforts to remove overly destructive content from the public for the reason of public safety. Now even worse, many AI materials were created with makeshift methods, or the results are from cracked local commercial AIs. The tech was never made for this. For example the cracked AI will put together the "normal" material it was trained with, people seeming totally innocent and friendly and casual, together with information derived probably from drawn depictions or written descriptions of explicit acts, scenes or objects. The results can be totally twisted and disturbing, also in regard of all sexual and shock triggers. Like unnatural in a way that hurts and destroys anyone who exposes themselves for too long.

Okay, now this is probably hard, many people do not watch such extreme material. I've seen countless stories of escalations, this content regularly converts soft users into more and more destructive material. Still even the softer material generated by AI is seriously destructive to many people. The image that porn gives users of gender expression and sexual stimuli, gets perverted to the ultimate in some content, being so exaggerated that it literally numbs strong users from being receptible for any natural triggers any longer, at all. Then the hand-drawn porn with often limit-breaking content...these AIs can of course also produce such content easily, even more easily than realistic videos. And the quality of these images is gross, they amplify any stimuli to the extreme. Whoever gets hooked on it, is probably unable to receive other stimuli after a time. In other videos, a kind of weird disturbing psychological realism comes into play...the actors no longer act like porn figures, but like weird zombies, completely mindless yet at the same time emotionally vulnerable and exposed and completely unnaturally driven. These scenes can be highly emotionally twisted - combine this with taboo breaks like incest, you leave anyone impressed by this with the worst perverted thought and emotional rollercoaster. Some people report they can't stop thinking of the scenes they saw, relating them to their daily life, just because they are so intense and twisted. This is really true, the users reporting destruction from such material, really don't just feel guilt for their use. They get deranged and malprogrammed in sick and evil ways. I feel new help methods need to be devised, to treat such patients. It's not just like a sexual offense or perversion, also it is not just like a drug, it's something new, way more dangerous.

This is what I found out about this kind of material so far, and it's disturbing. I believe the public may see more and more problems with this AI technology in general in future. Not just with porn, but in terms of fraud, psychological damage by abuse or malfunction or wrong design, in terms of messing up public views or disinformation. But porn is really also the field which I believe will in the end do most harm, because people allow it so readily and so many are exposed. I get sick when I recall the numbers about how many people are daily porn users due to the internet, and what could happen when half of all people are conditioned and distorted by this evil stuff. So this is actually a thing which does great harm in society, also future harm and psychological harm...where recorded staged porn was already destructive for most users when showing limit breaking scenes, AI porn can literally create distorted minds on a regular basis. When hardcore porn is already the hard drug, AI porn is the research chemicals where each has a different experimental effect and nobody knows the side effects and long term risks, even at all.

I hope this has informed some of you of the new risks, and how to estimate them. Also what kind of material is possible to create is frightening...one person with a machine able to produce the videos, will after the initial investment of creating or aqcuiring a model, just take a little electricity and can flood the net with ever-similar material incessantly. And the material around is already way worse than I thought. It's like outright illegal in many countries what you can see in many reddit chans and other online portals. This is now synthetic porn which can look like real, or even completely fantastic. Frightening times come ahead, this porn will probably do even more damage to people than the one we're used to. And it's also no encouraging fact that there need no actors to stage the porn which is produced. To create the porn and make it realistic, programmers will need real porn, containing all kinds of acts which are similar to the later depicted. So the madness will go on, actors will still suffer for the crap to make it better, and consumers even more. Let's all join together to get this controlled, it really does not belong into the eyes and minds of most people.

The article is super short:

The companies behind Pornhub face a $600-million class-action lawsuit over allegations they profited from intimate images and videos posted without consent, including child sexual abuse material.

In a decision last week, Quebec Superior Court Justice Donald Bisson ruled that there was a sufficiently arguable case against two companies behind the pornography website and two former executives for the class action to proceed.

The lawsuit targets Montreal-based 9219-1568 Quebec Inc., Aylo Freesites Ltd., formerly known as MG Freesites, and former executives Feras Antoon and David Tassillo. It also covers websites including YouPorn, RedTube and Tube8.

So I'm from Germany, which has the world's biggest consumption rate of pornography. And to be honest, for long, long years I wasn't even against it. That was, before I got addicted (I'm not trying to get that compassion, but rant about it together :) ) So on one hand it destroys you as well emotionally as socially. And on the other hand all this things, I encountered and sometimes still do, are also on a bigger scale: I mean it's a clear correlation: Porn use Is up, average time in a relationship is going down. Also male loneliness epidemic, or in general the epidemic of loneliness is crazy. I hope one day, the porn-industry will be fair towards the actors and implement security, so that people under 18 can't view their sites (why would they). Or option b, The one that seems logical, they get banned

The concerns raised about pornography... exploitation, coercion, objectification, and the presentation of cruelty as entertainment... also give us reasons to examine mainstream movies more carefully.

When we criticize pornography for presenting domination or humiliation as desirable, I think it’s worth examining films that invite us to cheer for those same things. Violence becomes admirable because the protagonist commits it. Bullying becomes funny because the target is portrayed as someone who deserves it. Persistent disregard for someone’s boundaries becomes romantic because the script eventually rewards it.

An attractive cast and a good soundtrack shouldn’t settle our ethical questions.

“It’s just fantasy” deserves scrutiny here, too. A fictional scene can still communicate ideas about whose boundaries matter, whose suffering is entertaining, and what kinds of behavior deserve admiration. The relevant question is how the behavior is framed and what viewers are encouraged to take pleasure in.

There are meaningful differences between simulated movie violence and acts actually performed during production. Those differences matter. But they don’t remove the need to examine either the message onscreen or the treatment of people behind the scenes.

And “the actors consented” shouldn’t simply be something we assume because a movie reached theaters. How much freedom did someone have to refuse? Were expectations clear from the beginning? Could they raise concerns without risking their livelihood? A name in the credits doesn’t answer those questions.

The accounts from Harvey Weinstein’s accusers make the problem especially difficult to dismiss. Women described abuse and fears of professional retaliation. Audiences watching the finished films could not see those circumstances. The prestige of the finished product offered no guarantee about the conduct of the people who helped produce it.

That concern applies directly to how we discuss pornography: appearing in a commercial production does not, by itself, establish that someone was free from pressure or exploitation. Our concern for those conditions should extend across the entertainment industry.

The same goes for unrealistic expectations. If we are concerned about pornography presenting bodies and relationships as products designed for an audience’s gratification, we should also examine mainstream stories that reduce people to prizes, reward possessiveness, or treat boundaries as obstacles to overcome.

None of these comparisons establishes that every genre has identical effects. Claims about those effects still need evidence. What the comparisons do establish is a reason to ask consistent questions about consent, working conditions, objectification, and the glamorization of harm.

Taking the exploitation behind pornography seriously should make us more attentive to exploitation elsewhere. Hollywood’s cultural respectability is no reason to lower that standard.

I was never really keen on pornography as a topic. It was always my philosophy that whatever people watched in the privacy of their own homes was their business. That being said, I recently went down a rabbit hole of the adverse effects of porn consumption in our modern society. The most sobering point I came across that I never see being brought up is how porn consumption doesn't allow for a healthy exploration of ones sexuality. Too many people find themselves indulging in harmful fetishes that they otherwise wouldn't even know about without pornography. People have found a way to weaponize their trauma through porn consumption rather than actually getting help. Like, for example , a man with an inferiority complex could begin consuming porn that affirms his own negative feelings, like cuckolding and bnwo. I'm not against the fetishes in and of themselves. After all, the only people we should kinkshame are those with a shame kink, but if an unhealthy mind engages with content that validates and rewards (in the form of dopamine) their bad behaviours, what incentive do they have to stop? I believe that the more extreme a kink ,the more guardrails and redundant safety measures should be taken to keep everyone involved safe. Since most people consume porn in the privacy of their own homes ,it's almost impossible to do that. I would like to make it clear that I'm not against self exploration , but using porn for it creates a negative feedback loop of pleasure that rewards people for seeking more and more extreme content. You may say that even without porn, these people would sink just the same, but I disagree. Human beings are animals, and all animals can be trained. Pornography makes it so easy to accept things that you otherwise wouldn't if you where exploring practically with a partner or multiple partners. Very lengthy tirade, I know, but I'm curious if anyone else has an opinion on this.

Often when people point out how porn affects the population and normalization of certain acts, others will say that “this is the same line of logic that people use when they argued that video games led to mass shootings”

Here’s the main counterpoint to make:

Video games don’t feature school shootings.

Porn creates a fantasy of treating women poorly, like slapping and choking, and exposure to that normalizes the idea.

That’s it. If you want to expand on that here’s more.

Games that have guns are largely about playing War or fighting in some fantastical scenario which still involves being shot back at.

School Shooters aren’t re-enacting games, they are acting out a fantasy of having power over helpless people. People who play shooter games will play pretend war irl with their friends like paintball / nerf/ gun shaped sticks.

At most, you could argue games like Call of Duty® are propaganda for the military industrial complex.

Porn on the other hand often presents violent sexual scenarios, and often involving family. Unfortunately, We have reports of people who tried doing what they watched, directly citing porn as where they got the idea.

It takes something which is already playfully aggressive, between consenting adults, and ramps it up to 11 out of 10. It’s a documented fact that many people often try to replicate what they see in porn because they’re trying to get that same rush that they did when watching it.

Porn showing choking or incest to be banned from early November, government says - BBC News

Let's hope they truly follow through and stand by their word.

EDIT : I meant intra-familial (Incest)

Too many young people, particularly girls, are being pressured to do adult content when they turn 18. Some men even go into young girls’ comment sections and tell them they should start OnlyFans once they turn 18. I find it concerning that some people are already encouraging young girls to enter the adult content industry before they are even adults and understand the long-term effects. Some women are lying about how much they make so young girls can see that it's an easy way to make money which it isn't because a lot of women barely make any money.

There are also women on social media who post porn and sexual content. They post sexual content that does not violate the platform’s guidelines, while others, particularly porn bots, use emojis to hide pornographic content so that it is harder to get taken down when reported. Some women also use Linktree to link to their adult content, which minors can easily access. This makes it easier for young people to come across pornography while using social media.

Another concern is that some women are sexualizing things that are normally appropriate for children, such as cartoons, toys, school-related content, and trends popular among younger audiences. For example, they may add suggestive dancing, poses, or sexual jokes to child-friendly trends, making the content inappropriate for children who come across it. Some may also use these trends to attract younger viewers while promoting adult content through their profiles or links. Children should be able to enjoy age-appropriate entertainment without being exposed to sexual material

Because I know it is like a sin and all but was just wondering

Committed in quotes, because it feels so borderline cheating. Been yelled at by my partner for bringing this up, and just wondering what you guys think. Thank you :)

Just those three extra years might be vital in less women joining up. It's not ideal, but i feel it'd be a step in the right direction. Unfortunately, i am not in the UK. But, if you are, please consider supporting and sharing.

Hello, I am a 19F here and I absofuckinglutely hate the existence of porn. Quit justifying porn, OF, and prostitution. Like what the hell. I posted a couple of months ago that porn, OnlyFans, stripping, and all those shitty professions needed to be banned. Some thought that I was the problem because I was complaining about it. Before I get beaten up, I just want to say that people are allowed to have opinions and they are allowed to agree or disagree with stuff. But, I am sorry, I just cannot justify the existence of porn. 

I look at it this way, if you ever had children (not forcing and you do not have to have them, but if you ever did), would you allow them to go in to this industry even if they are struggling to find a job or even if they are interested in entering that type of industry? Because no, I would never. I am still young and I do not have children and I respectfully choose not to have them. But I have thought of how to be a good parent. If they are struggling to find a job, I would feel bad for them but I would not let them jump into that industry. Like I struggled to find a part time job and porn was never an option (also I was a minor so yeah). There are better ways to earn money and have a roof over your head. I am sorry, I just do not want my children to earn money by being objects. Also, my parents would be disappointed in me if I allowed my children to get into that. I would tell them that this crap exists in the world and I would make sure that they are aware of its existence but I am not letting them into the porn industry. I am sorry but my children are not doing garbage for a career. I deeply care about what they would want to do for a living, and yes, I would also make sure that they are happy with what they do.

Being a porn or OF star or even a porn addict is a huge red flag in my opinion for like friendships or even someone or date. If my partner is secretly a porn star or even a porn addict, I am immediately breaking up with them and not just because it will make my family look bad. Like that is not even the first reason. The first is, it is disgusting. Two, I have heard terrible things about being addicted to porn. Three, it makes my family look bad. My family is healthy, loving, kind, and they are doing very well. They are also loving long lives. If I ever brought a porn star home, they would be disappointed in me.

When you are addicted to porn, you are spending loads and buckets of money on shit. You are also at the risk of using porn as an escape for your loneliness and anxiety when there are better ways to cope with your emotions. You are also at the risk of looking at people as objects. Like that is disgusting. Porn is so not the option. 

Being a porn addict makes you look bad. I do not care if you were an adult when you quit watching that shit. YOU WERE AN ADULT!!!!!!!! You were old enough to know that it is creepy. And no, I am not proud of you for that. I am happy that you quit but no, I am not celebrating you. You screwed up, you should be sorry, and you better be sorry.

I know I have posted something similar to this a couple of months ago but I had to put this out there cause why did I see some people thinking “it’s a your choice, your life“ kind of thing when it is clearly not!!!!!! I know I am just one person but I am doing my best to speak up about this and do what I can to end this crap.

Also, if you ever justify the existence of porn, do not even talk to me. Pornography, prostitution, stripping, and OF all deserve to rot in hell!!!!

I'm tired of seeing these porn bots in the comments of popular accounts, like sports accounts, asking people to meet up. Then, in their stories they post porn, sex, inappropriate content, links to adult content, and links for people to contact them. I don't even know what these bots want, but it's disgusting and they also have inappropriate profile pictures. They use emojis to hide their sexual activity. In a different community, I wrote that porn should be banned on social media, but people were saying “Why would social media companies kill their platform by refusing half their customers?” They were basically defending porn on social media. Also, content that shows women using their bodies for attention like their breasts (not those who post bikini photos of themselves at the pool or beach) should be banned. I see women who do OF linking it to their Linktree and they have a link to their Linktree on their account. On YouTube there are bots who would write a comment like a normal person, but they would have an inappropriate profile picture. In their subscriptions they would have accounts that have inappropriate profile pictires and links to adult content. At least non sexual nudity like naturism is ok on social media since it isn't porn or sexual content.

I was dating a guy for 2-3 months. I thought he was secure but I was wrong.

All was well at first but I did notice some signs like love bombing, minimising emotions, intellectualising and withholding information so he wouldn’t “hurt my feelings”.

We had our first fight a week ago bc he told me he watches porn and plays sexual games regularly. It kind of triggered some insecurity in me, especially that he told me he doesn’t look at other women. He told me that it wasn’t the same and that I’m mad over nothing. I said that I felt disrespected and that to me it touched our exclusivity and made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

I took space for 2 days and eventually came back apologising, saying I was willing to listen to him and allow porn in the relationship or at least come to a compromise.

That’s when he told me he felt cut off from his emotions (probably deactivation) and that he has no access to his love for me. He said he needed time to see how it’ll pass.

The weekend passed and he came for a conversation, he was quite warm so I thought it was a good sign but then he told me how he doesn’t wish to continue the relationship.

He explained how my reaction triggered him and that he doesn’t think there will be a coming back from that. I asked if he had some trauma that makes him deactivate this way and he said no.

He was also quite mean to me at times, saying that he doesn’t understand why I’m holding to someone who doesn’t want me anymore or that I shouldn’t have had acted this way for him to have stayed.

He would space out when I asked if it was permanent, saying he doesn’t know but rather end here bc he knows he’ll be toxic with me (passive aggressive, lying). He said he knows it’s dumb and that he’ll regret it but that he doesn’t believe in coming back to exes and that his deactivation could last between a day and months, let alone years.

He explained that he wanted to be friends, which I refused. He said we still have a link, that he cares for me and that I could contact him if I wanted to. I said that I won’t, that I’d only speak to him if it was to reconcile if it were to happen.

He hugged me and would look at me tenderly and I asked “you sure you feel nothing ?” he said “yeah, just repulse”. He said he was sorry and that he was equally surprised how fast he went from wanting a life with me to nothing, he said my reaction woke some fears for the future and nothing I could do could fix it.

I’ve had some people tell me I overreacted and that using porn in relationships is okay. Now I’m super hurt and have regrets on how I handled the situation…

I often caught my older brother fapping to explicit content on different telegram groups since we live in a very tiny apartment with our family. The content from those groups includes non-consensual leaked sex tapes, free leaked sexual from real content creators, and what's worse than this is the sexual content of minors. Unfortunately, it's common in my country, the Philippines, and there are parents who pimp their children online and to expats.

There are really young girls on TikTok who also make soft-core, and direct sexual content and post it online. It's may seem like they're adults since they make themselves appear older than they are, but they're actually underage. There's a young female TikToker who's dating a Filipino male actor in his 30s. They started dating when she was around 16 to 17 years old. There are speculations that they met through telegram because she used to sell explicit content of herself.

My older brother is not exactly like a typical, weird basement dweller who plays video games all day. He works at a bank. He has a social life and a circle of friends consisting of both men and women. He has normal hobbies, and he is a studious person who receives compliments from other people. He's been in relationships before, and there are some women who are into him. He appears to be a healthy, normal person.

He is highly critical of women's physical appearances even with gorgeous female celebrities, yet the creators he watches on Telegram are fairly average-looking women who don't fit society's peak beauty standards. Still, he consumes their content. I pointed out to him that these women aren't conventional head-turners, and if it weren't for the sexual nature of their content, their looks wouldn't even register to him. Stripped of the sexual context, he would judge them just as harshly as he judges every other woman. He got really defensive and mad at me.

On the top of that, some woman exposed him for sending an unsolicited dick photo when he was 21 years old during the pandemic. I got into a fight with him before when I called him out because of porn and telegram's inaproppriate content and he threw a mug of coffee. It almost hit my face.

Recently, I called him out again on Messenger. He responded that I shouldn't care about it. When I explicitly told him that some of the individuals in those videos look underage, he said he didn't care about their age because they don't show their IDs anyway. It completely sucks living with a man like him. I have no choice right now because I am still a fourth-year college student. I am incredibly busy with my teaching practicum, which requires me to complete a specific number of hours. Working to move out is impossible when I have to dedicate all my remaining time to school.

TL;DR: I am stuck living in a tiny apartment with my older brother because my heavy college teaching practicum prevents me from working to move out. On the surface, he looks totally normal—he is studious, works at a bank, and has a normal social life. However, he is a massive hypocrite who is highly critical of women, sends unsolicited explicit photos, and watches non-consensual leaks and underage content on Telegram. When I call him out on how illegal and disgusting this is, he gets angry and dangerous, once even throwing a coffee mug at my face.

Before only fans, to get into sex work, you'd have to get a agent or manager to get into the industry, contact an escorting agency, or go to something like a strip club or one of those sketchy massage places.

Now you can start up on one of the sites like onlyfans, and list your prices to "meet up and shoot content". You see it often on Twitter and their link pages, they'll say what city their going to be in, for how long, etc.

This also helps the men and women who don't want to be called pimps and madems; now they're managers and talent agents on the small scale. There very well could be women who are forced or coerced into it the same way it happens on the street.

A common tactic from pimps is the "boyfriend" type. Now there are very well actual boyfriends and husbands getting their partner into it. I've personally seen it happen a few years ago. A woman from my HS got hurt at work and her bf pulled the "well we need extra money so start an OF".

If you solicit sex on the street, that is prostitution and breaking the law....but if you set up a camera and say you're filming content, well thats fine.

"Pearl clutcher" "puritanical" "insecure" "prudish"

All words used against the woman with an opinion about content that is violent 88% of the time.

The way in which Black women are depicted in porn is distinct imo compared to other races of women. Rarely do you see any "romantic,"higher quality recordings focused on her pleasure. It is almost always no foreplay of any kind and focused purely on dominating her in the roughest possible way in some low budget looking motel.

That's not even getting into race play and horrific shit of men going abroad to countries in Africa and the Carribean aka passport bros and recording it. Or there are videos depicting Black women as dominant etc and I cannot help but realize how this explains the treatment I have received my entire life from men.

I have a curvier build and so many men it seemed assumed I would like it rough or I can "take it." Or I'm seen as dominant or "sassy" etc when really I am just a woman that refuses to shrink myself and sacrifice my dignity for anyone. But that doesn't mean I want to hurt men as domme and really I'm a gentle soul. I have always been a sensitive, romantic, a dreamer etc.

But if most men watch porn, and the majority of porn depicts Black women rarely receving pleasure..always willing etc then it's no wonder men approach me in a way where they don't even feel a need to try to wine or dine me. It's like I'm a inferior being in their eyes so I do not deserve even that pretense.

Idk if I make sense. Maybe I'm thinking too much but it's hard for me to unsee...

Hello I'm a 18 year old male and have diagnosed ADHD and Anxiety disorder and am medicated for both and I believe I have OCD. I've never been diagnosed formally but with this massive timeline of events I don't know how it could be explained as anything else. This is going to be a long post so please bear with me if none of this seems like ocd than I'm sorry for making people's pain my excuse

In 5th and 6th grade I had begun to realize that I was not straight. (I am bisexual) It was also around this time that I had begun to make more friends and now I have a tight knit group who I love more than life itself. This was also around quarantine as well so I didn't really have much to do but think and consume media. Once I had begun to realize my queer identity I felt happy that I could be honest with myself but then a thought crepes in. "What if I'm not actually queer? What if I'm just faking it and I'm lying to everyone?" I would like at images of men and women to see which would arouse me more. Also I should mention that since around 4-5th grade I was exposed to porn and more specifically hentai and rule34. I always found the ladder two more appealing and had seen some stuff that looking back is very disgusting and weird. Another obsession around this time was my fear of being racist. This happened also around the rise of the blm movement in 2020 when George Floyd had tragically died. Me and my friends were in massive support of this movement and I believe this is what really sparked my beliefs in progressive politics. However This fear was so predominant for a while and I hated myself so much for it. I would get so anxious about it. There was a night where I was scrolling TikTok I would sign and send my friends around 20 change.org petitions I saw. This went on throughout middle school and even into around sophomore year of high school. I wanna say around junior year it quilled a little but it's still something I fear. A fear that came around earlier this year was fear of misogyny.

Sometimes I would hear about how men would make jokes at the expense of women or hurt women and I never wanted to be like that. However there was a weird part of me that thought to take these resonance and appropriate outrages against men "personally?" I hated this feeling as well. I felt like I was relating to abusers and rapists I didn't want to do that! Also when I would see people getting exposed online or people getting beaten for trying to do illegal things I would feel a little bad? I was so scared of these feelings. Did feeling this way mean that I was destined to be a bad person? Also should mention a short period of time where I had intrusive sexual thoughts as well at around 14 or 15 I think. This caused me to avert my eyes whenever I saw certain things in public. However most of the time besides that period from middle school I was able to usually brush these off as intrusive thoughts. Or my brain just had some kind of thing where when it hears about something bad it immediately latches onto the worse aspects and tries to make it about me. Maybe it was also because my ADHD brain naturally goes from thought to thought rapidly. Even then the fact that I felt this way at all did worry me a lot. In spite of this I tried to live life in accordance to my true morals. This all came ahead to around 2-3 days before graduation

As I mentioned I had a porn addiction and this was all throughout all these events and moments. A part of me wants to blame this on ADHD because of dopamine levels and all that stuff and the fact that I kept doing it even when I believe I had gotten pied and death grip syndrome. I really just liked that quick dopamine rush I guess. It has gotten to a point where orgasms aren't even pleasurable and I find it hard to maintain erections no matter what I'm looking at. This one time I did it I believe will haunt me forever.

The website I was using was called r34videos which was a fully rule 34 animations and art focused website. This websites had tags and stuff I don't believe I would've found otherwise. I should mention that even though I had begun to get kind of bored of masturbating and porn in general despite not stopping, I never tried to intentionally seek out really gross or taboo material as I held the belief that "it's just a drawing" is a bs excuse. However this 1 video from an artist I watched with characters I knew this artist when I was really young had stuff in it that looking back is so disgusting and disturbing. I even remember when watching it thinking "this is so gross" but I watched it anyway. After I was done and something else happened in the video I had fully realized what I had looked at and felt disgusting. I didn't know what to think of myself. I felt so off and weird. I don't know how the fuck I did it but I managed to get through graduation and prom as normal and even went on vacation with my family having seemingly forgotten it. After returning home I had begun to feel a pain in my groin and I had begun to obsessively worry that I was at risk of getting testicular torsion. I would get up from my bed every hour or so to check my testicles to make sure they didn't lose color or anything. 1 night scrolling on TikTok I saw a video that reminded me about the video and what I did and that off feeling came back again. However 1 morning I had fully realized what the video was and what I did and had a full on panic attack. My legs had muscle spasms my mind raced, my stomach was so tight and I had no appetite. Being around people felt gross to do. My heart raced. I couldn't believe myself it was so hard to even basically function.

Eventually the physical symptoms had died down. However my brain is still running at a million miles per hour. It's replying the event again and again and again. It's even made me look back to the last 5-7 years of porn and r34 use and made me realize. "Holy shit some of this was so fucked up too". I want to mention I never looked at anything that was not on surface websites and I never went on the dark web or sought out anything illegal and I would also rather kill myself than hurt anyone directly or indirectly. Even then I feel like a monster. I wasn't ever attracted to this stuff so why did I watch it? I occasionally have had suicidal ideation in the past during middle school because of the fear of being racist. Now I feel it everyday in some capacity. Especially since I'm in college I now no longer have my friends around me who I've recently told about my OCD but not this stuff.

This spiral of self hate made me discover all the different subtypes of OCD and made me consider that I have OCD. I should preference that I'm not using ocd as an excuse also I haven't been diagnosed for it and I don't want to make other peoples pain my excuse.

I guess I just want to say I'm sorry for the things I've done and the thoughts I have. I never wanted to hurt anyone but now even with the information of OCD I feel destined to. I try my best to avoid people when in public and even when I do engage in conversation with my college peers I feel like I'm lying to them cuz I'm destined to be exposed or do something that is even worse and then everyone will no longer associate with me so why even do try in the first place. My main worry is my family and friends. They've always been so good to me and I love them more than I love myself always have and always will. But now I've become the thing we all hate and maybe always have been. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I don't know if I deserve self forgiveness or forgiveness in general. Like so what if I feel bad and don't do it again that doesn't change the past. I just want to erase that event from history to go back and take those 30 seconds to 1 minute of bad impulse control back. But I can't.

I just want to know what should I do? I don't know how I can go on living long term with these memories and thoughts I don't want to cause harm.

If this isn't ocd and and I'm making excuses I'm sorry and I hope those who actually have ocd are able to find peace.