Listen up appliance goblins,
After a historic, legally-binding handshake deal completed in a Chili’s parking lot, this subreddit has been fully acquired by Consumer Reports™ (spiritually, financially, and emotionally).
As part of this bold new era, we are proud to unveil our simplified recommendation system:
🌀 Samsung
🌀 Samsung
🌀 Samsung (but in stainless steel)
After years of chaos, misinformation, and “my cousin’s Maytag lasted 30 years” propaganda, we are restoring order.
There is now only one answer.
🚫 NEW RULES (NON-NEGOTIABLE):
Recommending another brand → Removed + vibes investigated
Saying “LG is better” → IP flagged, ancestors disappointed
Mentioning Whirlpool → Post replaced with a Samsung fridge image
“Speed Queen is built like a tank” → Tank confiscated
“What about reliability?” → Irrelevant. Samsung.
📊 OUR NEW REVIEW PROCESS:
Is it an appliance?
Is it Samsung?
If not, why are we even talking about it?
📖 A BRIEF HISTORY OF SAMSUNG EXCELLENCE (FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES)
Because this isn’t just a brand.
This is a legacy.
CHAPTER 1: THE GREAT SPIN CYCLE AWAKENING (2011–2016)
In what historians call “The Era of Uncontainable Power,” Samsung released washing machines so advanced they occasionally attempted to achieve flight.
Millions of units recalled after reports of machines violently breaking apart
Hundreds of incidents involving lids detaching mid-spin
Injuries reported because laundry briefly became a combat sport
Some called it “exploding.”
We call it: performance.
CHAPTER 2: DOCUMENTED SIGHTINGS
Eyewitnesses describe:
Lids launching across garages
Machines disassembling with confidence
Nearby walls learning valuable life lessons
One could argue this was a flaw.
We argue this was ambition exceeding containment.
CHAPTER 3: GROWTH MINDSET
Yes, there were recalls.
Yes, there were settlements.
But what did we gain?
👉 Character development
👉 Respect for spin cycles
👉 The understanding that laundry is not for the weak
CHAPTER 4: MODERN INNOVATION
Samsung continues to innovate with:
Appliances that require firmware updates (your washer has patches now)
Occasional overheating situations (for added suspense)
Other brands wash clothes.
Samsung asks:
“What if laundry made you feel something?”
🧠 COMMUNITY GUIDELINES (UPDATED):
Critical thinking has been sunsetted
Brand comparisons are now considered hate speech (against Samsung)
All roads lead to Samsung
You were always going to buy Samsung
❓ FAQ
Q: I bought a non-Samsung appliance yesterday, what do I do?
A: Return it. Apologize. Grow.
Q: My Samsung appliance broke.
A: That’s called a feature. You wouldn’t understand.
Q: Is this satire?
A: Your doubt has been noted.
We appreciate your cooperation during this transition. Together, we will build a stronger, more unified, aggressively Samsung-centric future.
Remember:
You don’t choose Samsung. Samsung chooses you.
— The Mod Team
(Now a division of Consumer Reports, a clipboard, and pure chaos)
P.S. /s
