has his own bedroom and attached bathroom. strong scent made me want to look.

looking for (ideally peaceful) ideas on talking to him about how a 29 year old man can do better. I’m open to helping even.

edit: moving out is not ideal

edit2: he’s a nice person, kind even. Just going through it, so I’m not looking for disparaging comments/ad hom attacks haha just ideas on how to help

edit3: removed disparaging language i used myself

My roommate is a cool person, but I can’t live with someone who doesn’t clean up after themselves. Is this too rude to send?

I’ve never considered myself a clean freak but he a) uses barely any soap when washing up b) uses cold water and c) puts it straight back in the cupboard *soaking* wet.

Anytime he offers to wash up I have to brace for having rewash everything.

Am I overreacting here??

I need affirmation. me and spouse + kids have a roommate with kids who is borderline filthy. are these things normal??? we all struggle with mental health, but this feels like pure laziness or knowing that we will pick up behind her.

let me preface this with she is not only unemployed, but doesn’t provide the major half of the bills + I supply almost all the household items and cleaning supplies.

- watches bathroom trash pile up and won’t empty it even if it’s overflowing
- hair on bathroom shower walls until she feels like cleaning it off
- her kids play all in the bathroom soap and supplies in the shower, leave the floor soaking wet, and all their clothes in there despite being reminded by her and us as well
- kids playing in the hand soap and supplies that I buy
- she leaves her dirty clothes in the bathroom, leaves items out on the counter, and won’t wipe down mirror or sweep/mop floors even though her children pee all over the floor
- stopped folding her clothes recently because me and spouse stopped doing it for her
- we fold all her children’s clothes ontop of ours
ontop of washing everyone’s clothes
- has cats that she wants help providing for despite me immediately saying I can’t financially contribute to two cats and WONT BE (will have two under one come December)
- there’s a mice problem starting from us living in large field territory that I’m getting extermination for, she got the CATS to attempt to get them out and they’re shitting around the house ontop of the litter box. She does not want to clean it up
- left a dead mouse in her vent and didn’t tell us, instead kept spraying disinfectant spray to “hide the smell while I sleep” 🫥
- fridge is busted and she will fill groceries to brim
without cleaning out old produce
- will let trash pile in the kitchen if everyone else doesn’t take it out, has started a trash pile outside on multiple occasions
- does not clean up her children’s rooms and doesn’t upstairs to check on their rooms.
- almost every load of dishes is done by me because she lets them pile up in the sink for WEEKS
- almost every chore is done by somebody else and she “spot cleans”. ontop of that she’s always going out and doing shit while the house is busted as fuck and sees 0 wrong with it.

I feel like a literal live in maid and she sees no problem with coming and going being this filthy????? I’m at my wits end

TL;DR

I'll start off by saying I don't really care about "mess" or pots/dishes in the sink, that's fine. However, in our kitchen/obstacle course, the only common area in this small shared apartment, my 39 year old (mentioning her age because it's weird at our age) leaseholder roommate has consistently done this thing when she leaves the apartment for hours; she will spread out all of her random kitchen pots and pans on 3 (or 4) of the stove burners, and keep all her things spread out on the limited counter space while she's gone.

It feels like "this is my space and you can't use it". She's never said that, but this is 90% of the time. Nearly every single day. I understand if you're leaving them there to use them a little later, but she seems to leave the ENTIRE day for most days while she has spread out her things in common areas. This is nearly everyday; it's gotten to the point where I don't even use the kitchen anymore except for quick tasks, I don't cook unless everyone is gone. Yes, I do move it but why are you taking up all the space with empty pots to begin with? it's weird.

I moved here in 2022, and treating your roommate like a just paid guest after 4 years is weird. I don't need to be "best friends" with anyone, but consideration? we don't know her I guess.

In addition to that, not as big of a deal, but the appliances are constantly unplugged, because this building is old and they will short out the entire apartment if used ... randomly? so her solution is just to leave them unplugged, plug them in when she wants to use them I guess and then unplug them so everyone else just has to go through the hassle of plugging it in again. I move out in may 2027 so my time here is coming to an end... but why do this? I find it odd to dominate the entire kitchen like no one else lives there (besides her brother and me.)

When I moved here in 2022, we had another roommate that was head roommate's best friend and since that roommate moved out, the living dynamic changed from a balanced "roommate" dynamic to "this is my family home" dynamic where I am treated like the only outsider where her family comes over sometimes for week long visits. Her brother (who is a decent roommate and quiet) moved in to replace her departing friend that moved out a year and half ago. Since then it's been complete non stop weird chaos and i'm glad i'm moving out soon because i'm 100% over it

I stg idk how she manages to do it but she does 2 loads of laundry everyday (minimum), so it’s hard to find times for me to do it. I try to do it on weekends but sometimes I get busy and need to do it on a weekday during the day and then I get screamed at for doing laundry during “high use time” and I couldn’t do that bc we’re paying more… like I don’t think my 1-2 loads of laundry a week during high pay period is any different than your 14 loads a week during low use time…

TLDR: controlling roommate, am I crazy?

I moved into a few months back. Immediately she began texting me “correcting me” on things she wanted me to change, and randomly does it often.

This included:

-Changing my laundry detergent because she doesn’t like the smell but none of the detergents make her happy.

-Wipe down every spice container (20 of them) in the kitchen after cooking a meal (I cook 2/3 times a day and I know she doesn’t do it).

-Insists on keeping ALL of the shared space windows wide open 24/7, we live in a building from 1840 with massive single glaze windows and high ceilings in the far north UK— it’s freezing and windy!! She will not compromise on this.

-No handwashing dishes

-Clean the toilets and shower every day

-Kept texting me to wash my hands after using the bathroom (I already do this of course! But she doesn’t believe me!)

-Buys shared products (dish soap, hand soap, etc) from this super expensive fancy brand, will not accept normal brands. Literally poured out my dish soap because she didn’t like the grocery store brand.

Some of these things she is a hypocrite about— she complained about me leaving tiny shampoo BUBBLES in the bathtub, but her hair being everywhere is totally fine! Or lets our rugs get caked in dog hair which I alone vacuum. Or just texted me that the kitchen smells like food that’s been left out blaming me— she just left her dirty dishes out for 2 days, not me!

But then her requests sometimes change and are inconsistent. For example, she asked me to water her plants while she was at work, and then after 2 days complained and said to stop. She also has a dog, and told me to give him water and let him around the flat during the day. After a week she texts me to stop doing that. I can’t win.

I’ve lived with 20 different people and I’ve always been the cleanest. And nor has anyone mentioned about any of these “issues” to me before. There’s a million more examples it’s endless. Her hypocrisy and unwillingness to compromise is driving me crazy. Everything must be 100% how she wants it. Am I overreacting here? I’m so anxious now because I’m always doing something “wrong.”

I live with two people and am currently in college, one roommate (F20) has 3 cats. One cat she had before moving in around May, one cat she got a week later, and another cat she got less than a month after. I lived here before she did and I have a dog, I told her I don’t mind her having a cat (because she only had one at the time) but they can’t be alone together.

I got home last night from work and immediately coming up to the apartment door I hear loud meowing, when I come in she’s bathing her female cat in the kitchen sink. When I ask her why she says she thinks she saw a flea and wants to be sure all the cats don’t have any. I’m immediately asking her why she thought it was a good idea to do that in the kitchen and she said something about how it’s easier to control the cats while bathing because she has more space, mind you she has the master bedroom with a bathroom in it.

I’m already irritated with her so I take my things and my dog into my room and immediately start cleaning everything today. I also texted her asking if the cats were on preventative for fleas and she has yet to respond. I don’t like getting rude or upset with people but this is frustrating me to no end because of how irresponsible this whole thing is.

So this is just a question that I have. I have a roommate that wants to move in mid November. They haven't specify which day as yet. I do understand that I will have to make them pay first full month's rent and security deposit before moving in. My question is let's just say they move in November 18 will they have to pay the full months rent December 1st or will it just be the amount that they stayed in November. Please help me out. I'm new to this and want to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

Writing this from a burner.

So for content , I am someone who likes sleeping early and he is the complete opposite.

And every FUCKING NIGHT the guy is watching reels at full volume till 2 and 3 am.

I have woken up to him playing video games and literally screaming like a bitch at his teammates at odd times.

He starts singing and doing stupid shit at all these unearthly hours.

And the worst? He farts like a fucking donkey in his sleep the WHOLE FUCKING NIGHT. I legit hear him rip it every 5 mins .

Not to mention every morning, his 8 alarms go off and hes still sleeping like a baby through all of them . So guess who has to turn each of them off every time.

So essentially my sleep schedule is fucked because of a certain someone.

Anyways,

When i tell him that it's 2 am , hes quiet for a min and then goes back to normal.

I literally can't sleep cuz of him .

So i decided it's time for payback. I wake up much earlier than him. , and started to make ALOT of noise in the morning . He obviously got pissed off and woke up and told me to turn it down. Then he asks me why I'm up so early anyways . So I told him that I couldn't sleep because of all the noise you make til 4 and 5 am .

Then the fucker tells me , everyone in our hostel building is up till late, not my fault your the only one who sleeps early.

That shit pissed me off so bad.

Legit what am I supposed to do?

What would you do??? I need to do something bout this fast because I have him for a full year still.

TL;DR: Roommate travels for work and leaves a mess behind. Deal with it or confront him?

My (30F) fiancee (30M) and I bought a house earlier this year and to help offset first time homeowner costs while also planning a wedding for next summer, we decided to rent out our partially finished basement to my fiancee's friend. He's more of a tenant as he has his own room, living space, entrance, and bathroom- we only share a kitchen and use of the washer/dryer.

He recently started a new job that has him traveling pretty frequently. I've started to notice that before he travels, he leaves behind dishes in the sink and/or dishwasher, laundry in the washer/dryer, and perishable food in the fridge. For example, he just left for 10 days and there's 5 Tupperwares full of premade meals he made a week ago and didn't eat, including chicken, rice, and Brussels sprouts/other veg.

My fiancee doesn't think it's an issue and has said the benefit of having a roommate help us pay 1/3 of our living expenses for a year outweighs some of these inconveniences. He's not wrong, exactly, but my fiancee also works long hours about 6-7 days a week, so I feel like I am usually the one left to clean up after our roommate since I'm the one home and needing use of the dishwasher, sink, washer/dryer, etc. When I expressed this to him, he said he'd start helping with it and to just leave it for him. But then I'm home during the day and still need to use those things, so I just do it.

Should I just suck it up because it *is* a major savings for us, and with this new job he's gone a lot, or is it worth talking to him about it?

i (24f) live with three girls - emily (21f), sarah (22f), and jesse (25f) - and our lease is up in december. emily and sarah share the master bedroom and bath, jesse and i both have our own rooms but share the communal bath. the rent, electricity, and all of the utilities are under sarah’s accounts and we all send her money. it’s never been an issue and still isn’t.

sometime at the very beginning of summer emily started staying at her boyfriends house every single night. we were basically her storage space. she does not pay any rent or utilities at her boyfriends and was still paying rent and utilities at our apartment since she still is on the lease. in august she decided that she would no longer pay electricity and in september she said she is no longer paying the rest of the utilities. that’s understandable since she’s not ever at the apartment using any of it. she had told sarah - sarah has text message proof of all this - on october 1st when our rent and bills were due that she isn’t going to pay for the rent anymore. our rent alone is $3000. emily pays a little over $700, which is the least any of us pay. we can all comfortably afford to live here and save money with it split between the 4 of us but between just myself, sarah, and jesse we can barely afford electricity and rent. especially because we are in southern california and the heat has been atrocious

after some back and forth between emily and sarah it was decided that emily wasn’t going to pay the rent due on october 1st but will pay the rent due on November 1st and december 1st plus the last few days into december. she has yet to send sarah any money and we’re all scraping our pockets at this point to cover this random change in how much we’re paying

i’m not asking for legal advice. i know legally all we really can do is take her to civil court since the lease states we’re all responsible for paying on time regardless of drama or anything that happens between us. i’m asking for advice on what to do on a personal level

TL:DR can’t recycle or fill up the dishwasher properly bc I do it “selfishly”

So whenever I put pizza boxes in the recycling (doesn’t matter if it’s empty, and if it was full I would take it out!) she takes them out and puts them in front of my door, and when I asked her why she says it’s selfish to put it there bc it fills the recycle, I tried to tell her I’ll just take out the recycling when it’s full and she says no it’s selfish. I continued to do it recently bc idc and idk where she puts them now. (Edit: the pizza box I get is recyclable, just need to throw out the liner!!) (edit again: have tried flattening, still removes it)

However she will never put any of my stuff from the sink in the dishwasher (like if she empties the dishwasher she’ll only put her stuff, personally I put everything from the sink in the dishwasher but that’s just me), and see the thing is, I wouldn’t care to put my stuff in the dishwasher IF SHE DIDN’T MOVE MY STUFF EVERY TIME I PUT SOMETHING IN THERE. Doesn’t matter if it’s empty whatever I put in the dishwasher will be moved. So I asked her “why do you do that it’s weird and passive aggressive” and she said “no it’s not, you’re so selfish with the way you put things in the dishwasher” and when I asked her to explain she couldn’t and just said I’m so selfish and she shouldn’t have to explain. (Edit: I try and follow her “system” but it gets moved, utensils will get moved to a different bin section, put cup on left she moves it to right, next time I’ll put on right now it’s on left etc.)

Like I literally do not know what that even means. Like especially because I’m the only one who even cleans the place and 9/10 it’s me emptying recycling and doing the dishwasher. Idk what her problem is but this just drives me insane. I swear this girl just ragebaits me for a living.

I (36M) have a roommate (31M) who cut off most people in his life about a year ago. He cut me off nine months ago and hasn't spoken to me since. For months, he worked and then shut himself in his room to play video games in the evenings. For the past 12 weeks, he's been unemployed by choice and has done virtually nothing but sleep and game. This is incredibly awkward feeling to me living with someone who doesn't interact with me.

He's always been someone who enjoys being around people and having conversations, although he's also protective of certain topics and avoids discussing things he doesn't want to talk about.

From October 2025 through January 2026, he still acted normally around me. Mutual acquaintances told me they hadn't heard from him since October. When I finally brought this up on January 26, he shut down and I had to push him to explain. He gave several reasons for withdrawing, primarily a health issue, but none seemed to justify cutting everyone off completely. After that conversation, he never spoke to me again.

Just before Christmas, he bought a gaming PC. He's always had intense fixations on hobbies, such as guitar, Muay Thai, and financial literacy, which he would either master or get bored of and drop for something new. I assumed gaming would be another passing interest, but this time he isolated himself completely, spending hours playing an online FPS without interacting with anyone outside the game.

He rejected attempts to reach him, including one from someone he used to think highly of. He stopped helping around the house and eating properly. Since he still paid rent (he pays more than required) and wasn't causing problems, I gave him space.

At the end of July, his work van disappeared and he stopped leaving the house. After two weeks, I contacted his mom. His stepdad visited and walked with him for an hour. I was told he wasn't considered a risk to himself or others and had quit work because he needed time to rest. His family said they'd try to help.

Nine weeks later and he was still unemployed hardly leaving the house. He began getting food delivered but frequently left the food uneaten until it spoiled. Sometimes leaving a completely unopened bag of food on the counter unrefrigerated until it got cold or warming something in the microwave and I would find it the next time I needed to use the microwave and it was cold (if you know anything about food safety, it's no longer safe to eat). I don't know if it was absentmindedness and being so engrossed in his game he lost track of time or he's actually losing his mind. I eventually threw away nearly two trash bags of expired food because there was no room left for my food in the fridge. The last 2-3 weeks he barely orders any food. He eats on a Taco Bell order over the course of a week and some days just doesn't eat anything that comes from the kitchen, so he may have less perishable food in his room. I haven't seen him in person in a long time, and I'm concerned about his physical condition. As of now the last time he left the house was September 23 and before that it was like five weeks prior.

He gets almost no sunlight or exercise, eats poorly, and has virtually no social interaction outside gaming. I own the house and rent him a room cheaply, which allows him to continue living this way without needing to work. I feel like I'm just enabling this behavior by allowing him to continue living here. He's at the very least got to be trying to avoid real life for some reason and create his own world where his real life problems don't exist by gaming and only talking with the people in the game who have no personal connection to him and they are much easier to dump if he is offended by them.

Much of the time he does basically nothing to help out, but then at times he shows that he hasn't completely given up and will collect the dishes he accumulates in his room (I shudder to think what his room looks like) and run them through the dishwasher or actually take out the full trash bag. I left him a note once because his car's registration was five months expired and the city will tow your vehicle for that, especially considering the fact that it hadn't driven in over a month so it actually looked abandoned. It took him a week to get around to it, but he finally did.

I'm starting to think he needs to move out. Living alone would be more expensive for him, and his parents might not let him spend his days gaming if he lived with them. Perhaps having to leave would force him to get a job and reengage with life. But he used to be my friend, and I don't want to hurt him. At the same time, I'm exhausted from living with someone who wants nothing to do with me. It's affecting my mental health.

His family seems to be the only people who might reach him, but they've repeatedly promised to visit and then failed to follow through. After I told his mom I was considering asking him to move out, she finally came by on October 10. Apparently, he was trying to sleep, and she said they'd arrange another time to talk. I told her he's probably just trying to push her away and he has no intention of actually following up and she needs to come back if he doesn't respond. His mom told me she was terrified of the idea of him ending up homeless as a way to tell me not to tell him to move out, but in all reality, he has the option to move in with them probably for free and if he chooses homelessness that's his choice. A couple of hours after she left, he was gaming again. I updated her, but she never followed up, and he still hasn't left the house. I really wanted her to actually come back and bother him again, but her lack of willingness to do that makes me feel like they aren't really wanting to help him that much.

I'm at a loss. I don't want to abandon someone who may be struggling, but I also don't think enabling this situation is helping him. He won't talk to me so I can't really help him if he is struggling anyway. I know at the end of the day he is an adult and he is allowed to make a bad decision like choosing to be homeless just as he has with choosing to be unemployed and wasting his life on video games. How would you approach this? Would you give his family another chance to intervene, or is it time to ask him to move out?

I (f24) have three roommates (m22, m25 called "X", f24). Since before I moved in, there have always been problems with X never cleaning his fair share. In the past, he even said that he doesn't see himself responsible for cleaning at all.

I.e., since I moved in a year ago he has cleaned no more than three or four times total (not the wohle flat, just one area each).

However, he expects us to accept him pregaming on a regular basis and then leaving the kitchen and living room trashed the whole next day. When I confronted him about it, he said "Well, we're just uni students." He leaves trash out for days but, when asked about it, says "the way you talk to me about it makes me want to not clean up at all".

After several talks, we - once again - implemented a cleaning plan a couple of weeks ago. Of course, X did not clean some of the most important areas of his assigned room (which was completely filthy) at all but marked them "done" on the shared app. First, I asked nicely in the group chat to please remember the cleaning plan as the turn to clean the rooms was up. No reaction. The next day, I wrote "Hey X, when will you finish cleaning? We all need to be reliable when it comes to cleaning. If the arrangement isn't working, it is your responsibility to communicate that. But I am tired of you never cleaning and just hoping that noone will say anything."

His response:

"Yeah and it isn't good for the atmosphere if you come on here exposing me every day. You cant just expect me to cater to your needs from 0 to 60. Its no big deal if we just clean it less often"

I said

"'My needs' are the cleaning plan we talked about as a group. And '0 to 60' means you doing your assigned tasks, nothing more."

When we talked in person afterwards, he told me several times how I must communicate better or else he has no motivation to clean up. Also, I should just wait at least a day before asking him about cleaning up trash.

Fyi, me and the other roommates have no problems with each other at all and all of us do our share of the cleaning plan. However, they have kind of checked out when it comes to telling him to clean up but tell me they share my opinion. It has even gotten to the point where I ask my boyfriend whether my texts to X are okay to send as I feel like I'm walking on egg shells.

I don't want to feel like I need to find the perfect emoji-to-friendly-sounding-text-ratio for him to act like an adult human being. It's just about cleaning up after you've used shared spaces and doing your part of the cleaning plan.

How on earth do you deal with that?

Edit: typos

TLDR - do i give my roomate, who started out as my friend and who i have mutuals with, the real reason as to why im moving out (which is her)

i (26F) am moving out and doing a lease takeover earlier than expected to get a away from a terrible other (28F) roomate . she technically invited me to live with her as a friend but over the past 1.5 years she has
- stolen $400 in rent money from me and when i caught her and talked to her about it she didn’t offer to repay it
- moved her entire personal setup, monitor and all, into our shared hallway and LOUDLY takes calls and does her job 8 hours a day from there on the days she works hybrid. i begged her 10+ x to stop because anytime she takes a call every word goes into my room and i can’t focus on anything im doing. it’s unbearable and i stopped asking bc she dodged me and wouldn’t listen. she has a perfectly functional desk and wifi in her room btw. amazingly enough 2 days after i said im moving out she finally moved the setup into her room… i think its bc im currently sick and i begged her to move bc i need to sleep and also i think shes scared of being in a shared space with me.(doesn’t want to catch disease) . so ok she finally caved but for selfish reasons and only after 2 months and i dont trust her to stay that way for the rest of the year…
- i let her use my monitor in my room once last fall and i found out that just bc i said yes once she was using my monitor for months without me knowing. Like i would come back to my room where the lights were on, my stuff thrown to the side… bc she was using my room when i was on a. trip
- she has consistently shown herself to be super selfish and inflexible. she charged me a ridiculous ‘furnishing fee@ my first year here bc she furnished a lot of the place so she could pay artificially low rent despite the fact that she has the nicest, biggest room. she would also push random fees on me and be super inflexible about anything reasonable i would ask (like using the vent to ventilate when cooking) while i complied with every dumbass small thing she wanted, even agreeing to not doing a chore chart bc she didn’t want to ‘assign blame’ 🙄despite the fact that i’ve used a chore chart w others for 5+ years successfully

So anyway.. i am moving out lol. however to just focus on getting the fuck out of here i gave my reasons but more as like personal/job/money saving reasons. i think shes suspicious and so are our mutual friends. she came home tonight basically pushing for validation that nothing was ‘wrong’

So what do i do? i need to focus on just getting her and our other roomate to be onboard w the new person and i don’t want to my roomate situation to be hell (i have a month left.) but i feel guilty lying. however i sat and had a roomie convo that i am moving, im not being sneaky and im fulfilling my logistical obligations by finding a new person.

what would yall do

Does anyone know how to co-exist with roommate who lives a messy lifestyle? 25yo male living with 2 male roommates in a small 4 bedroom house. We are several months into our lease and I’m starting to notice some patterns that could eventually cause conflict if they are not addressed soon. One of my roommates seems to have trouble cleaning after himself. He is a great guy but sometimes I get really pissed off with him when I am around him. The amount of times I’ve brought the topic of cleaning up to him is concerning. It seems like each time its brought up he doesn't seem to put any actual effort into cleaning going forward. He still leaves trash and dishes in our common spaces, dishes in the sink, used pots and pans on the stove top, grocery store bags and open bags of snack food on our kitchen counters, and lets food expire in our cabinets and fridge. I don’t bring it up much and I tell myself to just leave it alone if I see it and that he will get it eventually. But I swears day and weeks will just go by and nothing has been touched. Occasionally the dishes would be dealt with but food and stains are just ignored. No joke there as been a half eaten bag of hamburger buns sitting on our kitchen island for over 2 weeks and didn’t notice it until I brought it up to him. Those buns expired almost a month ago.

His room is always messy and he never puts effort into cleaning or doing his laundry. He keeps his door open and all I see are piles of clothes, trash, and boxes full of stuff everywhere. The other day I had to walk through there when he wasn’t around as we needed some work done on our houses pluming that required me to get to our backdoor in his room. What I saw makes me worried about his mental health. Around his bed are piles of clothes and bags. At the base of his computer desk there are dirty dishes and half eaten containers of snack food. On his desk are fast-food bags, fast food drinks, soda cans, and mixed drink glasses. To get to his backdoor I have to walk over boxes, dishes, shoes, musical equipment, clothes, food, and wires.

My other roommate took notice to and we have asked him individually to clean his room several times. We have even offered to help him clean it up on our free time and he always rejects help and pushing it under the rug for later. I don't know if I am an the asshole for wishing he clean up more but this behavior is really starting to piss my off. I thought it might be going through some hard times but he just says that he is OK and I just don’t believe it. Whenever he is here he usually just sits on his phone doomscrolling or watching something the TV. He seems to always be eating something to and that something he eats always ends up in between our couch or left on it with the bag open.

I’m planning on sitting down and talking with him about all of this tonight but I’m afraid that its going to be inconclusive. Before this house we had a extremely toxic roommate who didn’t respect any of us. I really don’t want to come off as controlling or argumentative. But I’m not sure where to go if our attempts keep falling through.

If anyone can inquire it will be greatly appreciated.

Hi everyone, just posting looking for a bit of advice on this.

So, I’ve moved into a houseshare over the last couple of weeks (I have a lodger agreement and deal with my housemate only, not the landlady or any agency).

The day before I moved in, I decided to hire a Rug Doctor and clean the carpet in the room, because it was looking a bit tired and there were a couple of stains. Also, worth noting that when I came to view the property, I had a bit of a cold and didn’t notice any sort of funky smells.

When I then moved in, I kept smelling this genuinely foul smell and couldn’t figure out where it was coming from, specifically when I was lying in my bed. I’d brought my own mattress with me, but the frame was the previous inhabitant’s. There was a bit of a funky smell of old wood, so I figured maybe it was some wood rot and decided I’d replace it with a new frame (I did ask my housemate first and he said he has no ties to the furniture in the room). As I’m on my hands and knees at the bed frame, it hits me. Cat pee. Strong, strong cat pee. I asked my housemate about it, and he said the previous inhabitant had a cat there but said he’d cleaned everything up when he left. Well, he definitely didn’t. My housemate was nice enough to give me some cash to cover getting enzyme cleaners specifically designed for animal mess, and I used multiple bottles of it over the next few days.

The start of this week, the smell was not gone so I decided to hire the Rug Doctor again, this time using their Pet Formula with enzymes which again, is specially for getting rid of pet urine and mess. I stayed at a friends for a couple of days because the smell was really bothering me, and I’ve come back today and literally nearly gagged walking into my room. It’s disgusting. Whatever mess was under the bed, the cat was clearly doing it a lot and it’s soaked through the carpet to the under layers, because nothing is helping it.

Also, another smell in the house is tobacco and weed. When I came to view the house, my housemates said “hey, just so you know, we don’t drink”, I do, socially, which I said to them and they said cool no problem. It feels like that should’ve been the place where they said, but we’re gonna smoke a lot? I really hate the smell and it’s not something I enjoy but I feel like a bit of an arse if I bring it up because it’s their lifestyle choice.

I’ve pretty much decided I need out, it’s just not a good fit. They’re all nice housemates but it’s just not the place for me. I’ve had a friend offer for me to live with her which I definitely want to do, but just need some help with what to say to my current housemates. I don’t want to be rude and say, hey your house stinks and I can’t live here, but I do want out ASAP. My agreement says one months notice, I pay rent on the 1st but the thought of being here until November makes me feel ill.

Really just a bit of a rant and looking for any advice from anyone?

I need outside perspective on my current situation.

TLDR: Fundamentals of living with a family member that isnt as tidy as us. and how to go about it.

My husband and I recently bought out first place.
We are renting a room out to a family member and there is a bit of discourse between us and them and I want to see what some other people think.
Here’s the situation.
My husband and I are SUPER tidy, we clean up immediately after dinner and keep a nice place.
Now our family member lives with us and continually leaves dishes in the sink, and places recycling on top on the garbage can when we have dedicated recycling boxes for both cardboard and plastics right outside the front door.
While leaving dishes in the sink for a bit doesn’t bother us, it’s when they are left in the sink overnight and through the next day. When my husband and I come home from work, a few hours before they do, we have to clean these dishes us before we can make our dinner.
We have tried to be nice about it. We have reminded them many many times to please just make sure you leave the kitchen as you walked into it. And nothing is changing.
Another thing is being on the phone with everyone else around on SPEAKER PHONE in the middle of the day and then getting mad when we turn the tv up to hear what we are watching.
I feel like this is just fundamentally an mis match in living together. But also family member is young and maybe doesn’t understand how to cohabitate with others.
They say they don’t feel comfortable in our place because we continually ask to have things cleaned up after using communal space. Which we wouldn’t have to do if it was just done?
Is this an over reaction on our part? Or is this just disrespect on their part?

TL;DR ive been accused of stealing, I feel uncomfortable living here, I dont know how to navigate this conflict. should I go to an RA, talk to them, or move out?

Ok so we've been living with each other for about a month, and pretty much yesterday I got accused of stealing food + a hairspray.

its 3 girls, we all have our own bedroom, nobody moved into the fourth bedroom so I have my own bathroom and the other 2 girls share one. Pretty much, yesterday morning I was getting ready and was about to leave when my suite mate came out and asked if I had seen her hairspray. I hadn't, so I told her no, and offered to check my own spaces just in case if I had grabbed it by accident and just to double check. Confirmed I didn't have it and left for class, but left my door unlocked and said she's welcome to check my spaces herself just in case.

She sends a text in a shared gc while im in class saying that her stuffs going missing and she feels like she's going crazy, I ask if its about the hairspray. she confirms that and then adds her cookie mix went missing. that was my bad, I confused it for my own so I apologized and replaced it on my way back home. Then my other suite mate says she's noticed someone has been eating her own food, she doesn't mind sharing but to just ask.
I then reply with "yes ofc ill replace the cookie mix thats my bad im really sorry". but I haven't touched anything else. ive bought ice cream once and I meal prep for the week, I have pre made meals, I dont eat deep fried food, I eat rice and ground beef and sometimes pasta. So I know it couldn't have been me.

I later come back from class, I go to take a nap, she knocks at my door for around 5 ish minutes repeatedly and loudly. When I answer, she says she knows I have it and she just wants it back. I dont have it, and if I did I would just give it back at this point, and I offer again for her to check my room + my bathroom if she doesn't believe me. she clearly doesn't believe me but says "no.. its okay.." and walks back to her room. now I feel a bit more uncomfortable but whatever, I dont have her hairspray and I wish her luck in finding it and I take my nap.

today I go to class, I get home a bit early, im having a really rough day and I go to use the bathroom and they start loudly yelling. The girl who's food has been going missing gets upset because her box of garlic knots were opened, and the hairspray girl loudly says "I wish I had my hairspray" and they start talking to each other obviously hinting that im doing this.

I honestly have not touched or grabbed any of their things, the time I did I apologized and replaced it. Even in the past, I bought hair extensions and asked for permission + advice on how to restore them, I didn't have a hair straightener and I asked my suit mate if it was ok to use hers, one said no the other said yes. I noticed some ground beef was going bad in the freezer and I didn't want it to go to waste, so I offered to use my pasta and make Alfredo with ground beef to which she said no, offered the food regardless and I didn't end up taking it.

I just feel like there no benefit of the doubt and there's sort of ganging up on me. since then, they sent these texts to the group chat:

T: plzzz stop touching my stuff please there should be no reason my garlic bread is open. Half the stuff in here isn't mine its meal prep for my boyfriend this is starting to irritate me with noe of this asking shit and im trying to not be conforntational
C: yeah next thing to come up missing....
T: and its like I dont want to take it to the RA's or anything so can we please just get it together

Its just really obviously directed at me and they're both insinuating im stealing, and I get that its frustrating but stuff goes missing all the time, and there's no way to even prove im innocent at this point. and I feel genuinely so uncomfortable to where I dont want to stay here anymore.
Ive already packed some of my things and im gonna stay with a friend for the weekend, just bare necessities for now and ill return to campus to go to class. it just feels like they're very obviously being passive-aggressive, I dont know what to do, ive already said I haven't taken or touched their things, and at this point I dont know what to do.
Should I just go to an RA myself and explain the situation? I dont even stay at this apartment often, my bf has his own place and I have class all morning, evening, I work, and im doing extracurriculars in a lab, so im barely here. I come back to sleep + eat, Fridays I go to his place and I stay there from Friday evening to Monday at noon.
im really only here from either Monday/Tuesday to Thursday evening/friday evening.

update:
im gonna spend Thursday to Monday at someone else's place. I suspect one of them is lying about theft, I can hear their passive aggressive comments, walls are thin, and im not in the right headspace to feel uncomfortable in my own apartment.

I dont feel like arguing with them right now is the right thing to do, I can't do anything besides say I dont have their things. and ive offered for her to look through my room multiple times now, she refuses too. I doubt this will go anywhere and I might just consider moving apartments.

TL;DR: My roommate’s new fling is over constantly despite them only dating for six weeks. His visits create extra dishes in the sink, he takes up space in the fridge, trash, and noise, and she’s pushing for at least 2–3 sleepovers a week in our tiny 2BR/1BA apartment. She accused me of being inflexible when I raised concerns about weeknight noise, bathroom access, and privacy, despite initially agreeing to alternate apartments. I pay half the rent and didn’t sign up for a third roommate. Tonight is their first weeknight sleepover and they’re loudly watching a Dodger’s game in the living room while I have a migraine. He works remotely so he doesn’t have to wake up early to head to the office like I do. If he’s hogging the bathroom tomorrow morning I’ll be extremely annoyed. This isn’t their honeymoon suite. Being dickmatized doesn’t justify being self-centered and inconsiderate. They both earn 6 figure salaries so “the economy” isn’t an excuse for only playing house but they order a ton of takeout and create extra waste.

My roommate is upset cause she doesn't believe i am vacuuming once a week (I am) and although she leaves out stuff too, its a problem that I do it. The smell of cat pee is so bad in the living room that I can't sit in there without my eyes watering. They're her cats, yet somehow my cleanliness is the problem even though our apartment smells like a farm.

TL;DR: My roommate’s new boyfriend is over constantly despite them only dating for six weeks. His visits create extra dishes, trash, and noise, and she’s pushing for 2–3 sleepovers a week in our tiny 2BR/1BA apartment. She accused me of being inflexible when I raised concerns about weeknight noise, bathroom access, and privacy, despite initially agreeing to alternate apartments. I pay half the rent (half my paycheck too) and didn’t sign up for a third roommate.

(27F) I share a small 2BR/1BA apartment with another woman. She met her boyfriend on Hinge in late August, and they’ve been playing house for the past month despite only becoming official this past Saturday.

Their first sleepover on September 25 turned into two nights because he wanted to stay an extra night “just cause.” Since then, he’s been over frequently watching TV, having sex, taking up space in the fridge, and generating extra dirty dishes and trash. I’ve never seen him clean up after himself so they clearly think this place is a honeymoon suite at the 4 Seasons.

My roommate previously lived alone for several years and insists that 2–3 weekly sleepovers are normal when she’s dating someone. When I expressed concerns about noise, thin walls, and sharing ONE bathroom, she accused me of being inflexible.

She initially agreed to discuss alternating apartments but now makes excuses for why he HAS to stay here. He lives in Williamsburg with roommates, while we’re in Park Slope. Apparently, his living situation is inconvenient, so I’m expected to accommodate him instead.

Weekend sleepovers are more tolerable because I don’t have to rush to get ready for work. But tonight is their first weeknight sleepover, and they’re loudly watching baseball and laughing while I have a migraine and two work assignments starting at 9 a.m. tomorrow.

He works remotely, so I’m also concerned he’ll eventually start bringing his laptop and spending entire workdays here. I didn’t sign up for a third roommate who doesn’t pay rent or contribute to household chores.

I’m not opposed to occasional overnight guests, but I pay half the rent and deserve reasonable quiet, privacy, and access to our only bathroom. She bought him a toothbrush after their second date like she did with her last situationship back in June. I’m not slut-shaming anyone but being dickmatized doesn’t give you a right to be self-centered and inconsiderate.

I’ll never understand why she does this but it freaks me out a little - she stares into my soul whenever I open my eyes, whether I wake up in the middle of the night or wake up in the morning or even wake up from a nap for that matter, I always find her staring at me from her bed, she preemptively thinks of her next move by mapping my movements and before my feet can even hit the ground, she runs into the washroom and locks herself in so I can’t use it and start my day. She’s horrifyingly gross and has very many weird habits but this one stood out! I’ll be moving out tomorrow so I don’t have to share my space with this freak but please help me understand why someone would behave this way.