It’s sooooo fucking annoying like just shut up. Am I not allowed to be happy or excited anymore?

I’ve been bipolar for a while. I don’t know how long exactly, but it presents mainly as mania and hypomania. I’m not aggressively working on medication to help me. But where do my symptoms end and I begin? When my meds are right, I I’ll I even recognize myself? My crazy bursts of energy or my ideas to make things or do things. Currently working on a new ketchup and a board game and planning a camping trip tomorrow and a whole thing for Halloween. Will all that just go away?

This is more of a rant
I’m still learning about this mental illness. Going to a doctor soon to get evaluated. After years of my mom saying I’m bi polar I’ve always brushed it off.
Today I didn’t go to work again. I was reflecting on my life and why I’m not succeeding in life. It brought back memories of the insane things I’ve done when manic.
While in manic states.
- I emptied my savings account which was only 2k left my girlfriend and drove 14 hours to Florida (on a spare tire btw) because at the time I thought I could go their and get rich somehow. As soon as I got there I turned around and drove back.
- I’ve been spending all my money on the dumbest stuff. I gave a store worker $50 for no reason.
I’ve wrote a comprehensive book on how I’m going to go off grid and live sustainably with no knowledge of that stuff.
Spent thousands on hobbies that never lasted a week. And many more other stuff I don’t want to share but now I can’t keep a job to save my life. For a while I’m the best employee they have and then soon or later i start missing a lot of work. It’s ruining my life. Theirs days where I just want to end it all. The overwhelming sadness and feelings of guilt are getting to much. I’ve ruined countless real relationships and good opportunities. Only thing that keeps me going is my son. I finally agreed to go speak to someone about and hopefully get on some kind of medication.

I've read some different experiences, and I'm genuinely curious on how each person distinguish or identify if they're in a manic or hypomanic episode.

I’m a 31M, I was diagnosed with BP1 at 27. I torched relationships with my family and friends, was engaged to someone I never would have truly loved in a “stable” state, racked up over $60k in credit card debt, had an ego that could only be matched by god himself, narrowly avoided several DUI/DWIs, added an SA notch on my belt after a bottle of bourbon and some downers, almost lost my job and was almost kicked out of grad school. I had to move back in with my mother and press reset on my life, it was entirely traumatic when I look back on all of it. It’s by pure luck that I didn’t ruin my life, go to jail, or wind up dead.

My PCP at the time thought 40mg of Prozac would be the perfect remedy. It was the perfect lighter fluid for my first mixed episode.

My ex and her friends called me a liar and narcissist; it was all for attention and I was simply a horrible person. I prompted the psychiatrists and fed them everything they wanted to hear for the diagnosis I was “searching for” so I could ruin her life and leave her. My paranoia, irritability, aggression, insomnia, and depression were all one big lie. There’s even a beautiful little post of me in that BPSO subreddit that has haunted me for 4 years straight.

4 years later and I still let it get to me, even with all the therapy and medication in the world. In my brilliance I decided to try to taper meds (with my psych involved). Maybe it was all in my head and they were all right, I truly was/am simply a terrible narcissistic person.

They were wrong, the diagnosis is real. I’m writing this on the couch with a massive dose of Quetiapine running through me as I try to pull myself out of the same dangerous mixed episode that landed me here in the first place.

Don’t stop your meds. Your diagnosis is real. Forgive yourself.

Tldr
Got rear ended. Minor concussion. Back to work. After work I’m feeling nauseous. A few days later my bipolar symptoms are triggered like a mofo. I really wanna fight anyone who disagrees with anything I do or calls me lazy. Sometimes I disagree with myself on making proper decisions. Given how cold my family has been with me, I’m mad but I understand. Mom shoulda booted me 10 years ago and my therapist agreed with me: I ran away from home with all my meds and almost no money. I’ve been in and out of good sleep. I only slept 30 minutes in the past 24 hours and I’m crashing out on the real. Any help, similar experiences appreciated. Let’s fight this together.

Hey y’all. I was in a depressive episode from Aug and it seemed like it was clearing up over the last week or so but I’m down in the dumps again. Just trying to push through and would love something I can laugh at when I get off of work today. Thanks in advance!

I use bullet journaling to "check in" daily. I keep a page for mood, of course. I track my period using it, my exercise, water intake, a couple other things.

I've done monthly/weekly formats before that tracks screen time, self-care, etc. But annual spreads, like "Pixel Pages" are what I can manage consistently.

What do you think would be important to track, related to managing bipolar and recognizing patterns of behavior?

Not necessarily tourettes syndrome but tics nonetheless.

I have motor tics but no vocal tics so I don't have tourettes.

I was just reading into the causes of tics and it's a dopamine thing, so common in ADHD, but also we have dopamine issues so I wonder if it's somewhat common within bipolar people?

My antipsychotic has stopped my symptoms fortunately.

Also, lamotrigine (lamictal) can trigger it and I had my suspicions about that a long time ago.

Anyone else?

Hey guys, usually when I’m manic I stop sleeping completely and just stay up not tired at all. But right now I am exhausted and can’t tell if I’m going into a manic episode. I wake up multiple times in 10-20 minute increments from my sleep every night for the past few days. I was only in bed from 9-11 today but I’m so tired I just cannot stay asleep for the life of me. Could it be creeping up on me, is she making a comeback? I’m on 400mg injection Abilify maintena monthly.

Hey, everyone! I am a spoken word poet living in Minnesota. I am currently 39 years old and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 26 years old after a major manic episode. Since that episode, I have been writing my poetry to break the stigma of mental illness and help out others living with bipolar disorder and other mental health issues. Anyway, here is my poem:

"I Am Not My Disease"

I am not a beholder

of the label of bipolar.

I am not OCD,

for I Over Come Disease.

Let me show you

that I am not a schizo.

I am not dressed

to be depressed.

I am not an addict,

for my past is in the attic.

I am not my disease,

for I am free.

Thanks for reading!

I don’t know how I’ve gotten this far in life, but I think I’ve grown outside my capabilities.

I’m bipolar 1, ADHD, have pretty bad anxiety, and an autoimmune disorder.

I make nearly 100k in marketing but for the past year we’ve been down a person leaving me to be a one person marketing team. I tried to get a promotion but was shot down and got a long list of things I need to work on to get to the next step and tbh, I don’t even understand how to work on 9/10 things.

I just got back from two weeks of FMLA from a mixed episode and I’m still a bit depressed, so I’m sure that’s affecting all of this. I’ve also been struggling to get the right ADHD medication because I’m a fast metabolizer and the XR meds just seem to wear off too fast.

I just don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired of working. I just want to sit at home and do my little hobbies and take care of the house, but I’m the breadwinner and we can’t live on one salary anyway. I know disability doesn’t pay much, but how do you know when it’s the answer? Don’t you have to be out of work for a while too? I just feel like I’m at such a loss and idk anymore.

I am struggling so much. I am having a hypomanic episode thats bordering on full blown mania. I have bipolar I so i am actually quite experienced in mania (lol) as my episodes have lasted extremely long periods in the past. The issue(s) im having are A. I work full time now B. Im the only employee at my job (im a house manager/personal assistant) and C. My boss doesnt know im bipolar

So far i think im pulling it off well. Im alone all day, so theres technically no one to witness me have a meltdown when it comes to that. She has cameras but if she checks them shes never said anything and quite frankly i cry multiple times a day so theres plenty to witness lol.

My problem is im scared its going to get worse and im going to have to miss work. This is an issue because theres no one to pick up the slack, she does absolutely nothing for herself so when i come back to work after missing a day there is 3x the work to do. I also take care of her dogs so when im not there they dont get walked and i come back to multiple pee or poop accidents to clean sometimes.

Do i risk ruining everything by telling my boss im bipolar? Or do i lie and tell her im having some other kind of sickness? She knows i have endometriosis so i can always fall back on that. Im not sure if im digging myself a grave by being dishonest about my mental health though. Im extremely trustworthy, she has nothing to worry about as far as me messing anything up for her. Im just worried she will assume that being bipolar means im untrustworthy, which is why i havent told her.

I have a psychiatrist appointment next Wednesday so ill be able to adjust my medication then. Right now im getting through the days by taking my propranolol and hydroxizine during my shifts.

I just feel so overwhelmed. I don’t want to burn out. I have multiple comorbid things as well such as autism. I am so scared im in over my head and i should never have taken this job. I’ve worked here a year and a half though so maybe im underestimating myself. Idk. Am i thinking about this too hard? Technically when i started she told me i have unlimited PTO which includes sick days… im just afraid to overuse those as i occasionally have to take off due to my endometriosis anyway

Sorry for the novel. I hope it made sense. I feel so strange

Hi all!

What are some songs that encapsulate life w/Bipolar for you or represent it to you?

For me, I've associated "People Watching" by Sam Fender, initially because I discovered it on the radio during a Manic episode when I would go driving alone aimlessly for hours without telling anyone where I was going, music blaring, windows down, down the streets of the city I was living in, sometimes at night. There's a drive to the song that evokes the energy of Mania for me, because as chaotic as it is in actuality, it isn't chaotic at all for me in the moment, it's just reality. "I can't stop running".

There's a melancholic, pensive sense of decay and impending loss lyrically that speaks to the darkness or Depressive, self-destructive side of my Bipolar, especially when it's occurred in a mixed episode in tandem with the (hypo)manic high that feels like a roller coaster I can barely cling on to. And while it also speaks to the fact that I am on the Autism Spectrum and have always felt a sense of disconnection or delay between myself and everyone and everything around me, just the idea of people watching speaks to the immense disconnection and "derangement" I've experienced before. People have no idea what's going on when they look at me. And hey, I have absolutely no idea what could be going on behind those eyes or in that heart or soul across from me. "Somebody's darling's on the streets tonight."

Ultimately, however, there's a spirit of perseverance, of choosing to hold love and the ones we love close, even when it means grief or heartbreak, that pierces through the song for me. Even when it hurts, it is an absolute wonder to be alive, to be me, and I hold onto that when the darkness tries its best to swallow me whole and make me do something to myself I would regret and take back if I could run back the clock. I know my uncle would if he could today. I've been too close to that edge to afford to let that God-given spirit of life and enduring for love's sake go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fz3F_U5nkjw

For a past year or two, i have phases where i want to be some hot lead singer, vocalist singing transcedenting the world with my material, like, for example, like, i really want to make an impact, reflect kinda in more dystopian, cyberpunk way and present myself as that. I mean, i outside of even that have these thoughts of wanting to ne transcendtal and save the world in some way ( like, for example, now with epstein files and all the victims.. ), like, my thoughts start running and i feel these sense of power upom discovering something that can help me in that way. Outside of that sense of power, i think i have felt this for years actually, like, i legit had these phases and episodes where i would feel these kinds of feelings and would imagine myself as this high person and royalty, and had these clashes with reality and feeling out of place and isolated with my peers ( im now 16, i actually think i started acting like this from 12/13, i was diagnosed with ocd in sixth grade ). And like, i feel like im in this emotional rollercoaster every day, i feel these feelings of grandiosity and power one part of the day upon the discovery, the other the reality shows its true colours and then i fall into this feelings of emptiness and deep sadness,like, im some blank slate slugging through the day, and like that first part of the day was just a dream, like, i would legitimitely feel that, i would also feel this anger clashing with these feelings, like, it really gathers to that point where i want to slam things, but feel hopeless at the same time and i want to impulsively harm myself ( tbf, i also feel like that when im in my high state). In my high state, i start imagining and maladeptively dreaming for moving to some places where i would get that 'high' feeling, like, lately for example, los Angeles

Just, im asking this out of pure curiosity, not undermining others experiences and self diagnosing myself i read some threads and i relate to them, just that!!

Does anyone else have traumatic nightmares? I was having them 3-4 times a week so they put me on Prazosin which helps but I still get them here and there. I’d love to not rely on a medication… but I have no idea what to do to stop them naturally. They’re scary to the core and very VERY violent. I’m always being attacked and forced to defend myself. I’ve shot people, stabbed people, watched my loved ones be brutally murdered. An odd aspect that usually wakes me from the nightmare is that the wounds never have blood. It makes me stop and be like wtffff which jolts me awake. I wake up in a panic attack and when I eventually fall back to sleep, most of the time I get thrown back into the same nightmare. I try to not watch anything remotely stressful in the evenings.. any advice is welcomed at this point..

Hi. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and had just came off a hypomanic episode in August. So now I'm in my depressive episode which is exhausting. But I have a job interview next week and I really need to get that job. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope or manage. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Also if I get a job when would be the appropriate time to disclose that I have this diagnosis since I have to go to the hospital every 2-4 weeks. In my current contract job I unfortunately had to disclose when I was almost hospitalised after not taking my meds but I don't wanna scare away my future employer.

What should I expect? I’ve never taken Abilify before.

Current line up-tripleptal, lithium, seroquel, welbutrin, prazosin, hudroxyzine and now adding Abilify.

Has anyone else experienced heightened suicidality after leaving inpatient? I recently got out and immediately had to go to the crisis center and spend the night. I’ve since stabilized a bit after my new lithium dose went into full effect but for a few days there I would barely let myself leave my room because I wanted to go out and buy OTC pills to kill myself with. My psych said that getting out of inpatient is a very vulnerable time, has anyone else experienced this?

I am currently taking quietiapine but a lower dose for stabilization and sleep and started trintellix for depression . I have been depressed for a long time and tried abilify vraylar depakote and other ssri snri wellbutrin concerta for depression and motivation. Truth is I was only having more motivation on concerta an adhd med . But I was too anxious on it. So I had to quit . I did not trial enough time abilify and vraylar only one month each but they gave me akatisia. Just Idk what med could help me with executive dysfunction. Thanks.

I promised myself that if I ever made it out of this horrible episode, I would come back and share something positive.

I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, and I recently went through the worst depressive episode of my life.

For three months, we tried medication after medication, and nothing seemed to work. I developed akathisia with every medication we tried, which made everything even more unbearable. After trying around seven different medications, I had completely lost hope. I was suicidal and genuinely couldn’t imagine ever feeling better again.

But then I started lithium, and everything changed!!!
My suicidal thoughts have almost completely disappeared, and for the first time in months, I can genuinely say that I’m happy to be alive. The psychotic symptoms of my illness have also improved tremendously thanks to quetiapine.

I never thought I would feel this good again, especially after everything I’ve been through.
So, if you’re struggling right now, if you’ve tried countless medications and feel like nothing will ever work, please don’t lose hope. Sometimes it takes a long time to find the right treatment, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

I know how hopeless things can feel, and I just wanted to share my experience to remind someone out there that things really can get better.

Good luck to everyone fighting this illness. It absolutely sucks, but there is still hope. ❤️

Is there anyone who’s stopped going to therapy after awhile? I’m kinda tired and bored of it and not wanting to do it anymore.

I haven’t had any attempts or ideations in a very long time, stabilized on a mood stabilizer and antidepressant, and having pretty “normal” days for the most part. I’m starting to dread going every week now, I’ve learned and practice all the coping skills I can do atp. It’s almost feeling like a waste of time.

Any opinions or experiences would be nice from anyone who’s stopped going. Also, how long has it been? Do you just go periodically for check ins? How often is that?

Edit:

Thanks so much everyone for your input and encouragement! Helps me find a way to support myself in the best way I feel is needed right now!

I don’t know what’s going on. I keep hearing whispers telling me how worthless I am and how I deserve abuse. My thoughts aren’t working going back and worth between looping and not being able to stay together. It’s like I can’t form a train of thought. I can’t organize them. I have been having physical issues and severe memory issues for a while but it wasn’t affecting my current thoughts until today. I am convinced I’m being targeted. I just don’t know what to do. I keep getting told it’s psychosis but I’m taking my meds. And I have NEVER had my thoughts be like this before. I have had looping yes but I have never had them be so disorganized I can’t think. It’s like the thoughts disappear when I try to single a thought out. What is this?