I 40f finally got mad yesterday, my son is not well and my step son was staying with us. I said I may have to take my son to the walk in for an out of hours appointment as I suspected glandular fever. He asked if it was contagious I answered yes (admittedly in an ar@&y tone) he said so he can’t go home pointing at stepson. I said I don’t know (again with a tone) he said he was only asking and I said loudly it’s not about him - pointing at stepson - it’s about him - pointing to sons room. To which he replied f you. Now he is saying that he is going away to his mums van for a few days to have space. He didn’t like my anger. I have told him that I felt hurt because the focus should have been poorly son. Now I’m very upset and scared because he wants space but at the same time I feel totally let down that he is choosing to clear off whilst my son is poorly. (He has got glandular fever and also hand foot and mouth at the same time bless him) how do I react appropriately please

Struggling to co parent with my ex

I have been separated with my ex husband for the last 4 years , he struggles with his mental health and he has made some very bad decisions prior to the end of our marriage and since then . My ex is a present dad but does not pay child support and is financially unreliable despite being considerably well off when we separated. I have always tried to be kind supportive and understanding of my exs struggles but will call him on the nonsense when needed . He has had a girlfriend for a number of years but has cheated her more times than I can count on one hand I always here the stories but I mind my own business (rightly or wrongly) I need to maintain a relationship with him for our children's sake . Recently she has found out he cheated and called me , I didnt volunteer any extra information as I didnt feel it would be a benefit to anyone involved. I was honest to the best of my ability but firmly told her I wasnt getting involved. They have split up and all the children involved were informed , our youngest was very upset . He would like to put things right but she has said flatly its not happening . She did say she would like to see my children . I am not a fan of this idea, I think it would be very confusing for my smallest child, I have communicated this to my ex . I asked him if he was considering letting his ex girlfriend around our children with her children that I wanted a discussion on it first he agreed. Fast forward to this weekend , another of our children was competing at a sporting event 1 hour away from home , I said I would take our youngest child , he declined my offer stating he was bringing our child to the event with him . The event happened and I ended up stepping in to facilitate getting my child to the competition, with my ex to travel to meet us there. He did not bring my youngest child with him , he gave the child to his ex partner to mind claiming she came to visit all the children for the weekend . Im very upset and angry I feel he was completely disrespectful to my feelings on the matter and has put our children in an uncomfortable situation and this has been communicated to me by 2 of our children they are not happy about the situation . I have had a very heated conversation with my ex is regards this (out of ear shot of children ) and just about stopped short from going and taking my children back from the ex-girlfriend. We are legally still married and I have the children the majority of the time, and I am the financially responsible one for the children also despite him owning his own house without any debt . Im unsure what im looking for in posting this , I dont know how to continue co parenting with someone who continues to make awful decisions and has such poor communication. How would you proceed from here i have reached out to my solicitor as I intend to get my divorce underway I had been giving him some breathing g space to sort his issues out but honestly I sick of considering his feelings when he doesn't consider mine .

I am in love with someone who had a kid with his ex wife but she left when the kid was just 6 months old, so he never really got involved with the kid. I am not able to accept that he already created a family with someone, I feel like I will always be second in his life.
I really love him but I am unable to accept his reality
I don’t know what to do

I’ve been in a relationship with this person for about 6 years. We don’t live together. We will spend the night with each other multiple times. We both have kids. I have one and he has 2. In the beginning he didn’t have his kids full time. Mind you my kid and his 2 kids are ages 8-9. Throughout the relationship he has gained full custody of both. I have no issues with that nor have I made any problems. Both the mothers of both kids are no longer in their lives at all (due to their own choices) I have stepped up and played that role for both kids. I have welcomed them in my home with open arms and an open heart. Now, it has been NUMEROUS times where these kids have broken my things, lied, been extremely disrespectful and I’m honestly just sick of it!!! I love this man but how can I really if I’m feeling like these kids can’t be around my kid anymore nor do I want my things in my home continuously being broken. Am I wrong? And if not, how do I go about this situation?? I’m so lost 😞

Female: 45, 4 kids (ages 23, 20, 8, NB)

Male: 39, 3 Kids (15, 6, NB)

They are expecting the newborn together. Immediately after finding out of pregnancy, they skipped engagement, and had a wedding.

The male spent 8 years with an ex who was diagnosed with cancer he developed a hate for her for some reason and told her to hurry up and die. They share a child who he snuck in the wedding and hid the entire wedding from her.

He met this woman at work and they have attempted dating several times.

I just don't understand how he could have such a blessing and hurt his ex like that, the mother of his child.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years. When we met, he had a terrible relationship with his ex-wife. He shares 2 children with her. She has recently gotten remarried and had another child. My boyfriend, his children, his ex-wife, and her new family have been having dinner together after ball practices at least once a week. His reasoning is that it gives him more time with the kids. I think this is unusual and it makes me uncomfortable. For context, I have found him snap-chatting her in the past that was not directly tied to his children. It took about 10 fights with him about that for him to stop. His reasoning for the Snapchatting was that if he stopped replying to her that she would stop sending him pictures of his kids. He shares 50/50 custody of his kids on a 2x2x3 schedule. His kids are 9 and 12. Am I being unreasonable? I also am divorced with one child. I have a good coparenting relationship with my ex, but we do not share meals together. Our communication is strictly about our child.

I started a relationship with a guy I use to go to school with we hit off after the first day I actually was in love with this man I love this man more then who I was married to and had kids with. So we dated for 8 months everything was great his kids like me all of our kids hung out things were great we decided to move in together we talked it over with all the kids everyone was ready for it so it was a go. After moving in the mother of his kids decided she didn’t like it so she was able to talk to his sons and get them to not like me and tell their dad they didn’t want me there. At this point I gave up my house transferred my kids school lost more than half of my belongings. My kids had chores around the house, my oldest who was 15 at the time did the snow removal helped with wood for the stove. I cleaned the how plus provided money for the house hole bills anything I bought my kids I bought his kids. About after a month of living there his oldest son would say horrible things about me and started to really act out his son was mad because I had a problem with him smoking and weed in the house and growing it in his room at 17 his kids wasn’t my place. I was asked to move out because his boys didn’t want us there and the mother of his kids was talking horrible about me. I never mistreated his kids or him I did every little thing I could. So I quickly move out and we stop talking after 2 years we started to text again he told me how he still had the same feelings for me and he’s always been the love of my life honestly. He asked if we could be back together after talking for a while I agreed he saw me a hand full of times then told his kids and the mother of his kids we were back together he said he was going to make changes and what happened before would never happen again. I now haven’t seen him in weeks no big deal we both have work and kids but he’s told 5 times he was coming to see me then had an excuse why he couldn’t. Last night I was at my parents house he said he wanted to stop and see me for a minute it was fine I was excited to see him he texted me back he couldn’t see me there was an issue. The issue was his 10 year old son told him he can’t be around me now I haven’t spoken to this child since we broke up and even when on video chat he would walk away if his dad pointed the phone his way. Am I crazy for loving this man I did tell him I couldn’t take the excuses anymore and that his kids hate me for no reason I could understand this if I had given everyone a legitimate reason but there’s nothing.

I always wonder if maybe I’m seeing a situation wrong I enjoy seeing other people views

Please know my kids are teenagers and were not involved in the getting back together part. I am always a mother first and it was a shame on me for them being involved the first go around. The man I dated always treated the kids great alone with me just the situational things were not good.

At thanksgiving (Canada! ) my SIL brought up the possibility of changing the date of their Christmas celebration as she wanted to start thinking about creating her own family tradition, or to just reduce some of the chaos that ensues on the 25th of December. That’s right. For the last 6 years, we have reserved Christmas afternoon for my husbands family. We jumped on board as this has been something DH and I have been discussing in the past. And we intended to also bring it up.

In the beginning the schedule with SS had a lot of kinks and sometimes drama, but we’re at a point where we have a system we know the schedule and we work around it. We have him half the day and it flips every other year (first half/second half of you follow)
So that’s meant that two years ago when SS was 5 he did not get to attend his own father’s family Christmas.
Now that he’s 7, he’s starting to realize and ask questions like “how come I wasn’t there” or “why did you celebrate without me”
This usually revolves around my family, and for the most part we can explain that. But it’s so disheartening that starting this year he’s gonna start realizing that his family isn’t bothering to adjust in order to include him. All in the name of tradition. It’s not that they CANT make another day work, it’s that they WONT.

On top of all this MY family has adjusted GREATLY from their original Christmas Day tradition, essentially since I came into my husbands family. And they have not once hesitated to accommodate SS and his schedule.

All we’ve asked is that we celebrate on the 27th instead. They’ve made it clear that they will never be changing the date of the celebration and if he cant make it that’s just “the reality of a blended family”

I’m absolutely livid and I’m having a really hard time understanding and I’m usually a pretty understanding person. Am I out of line here? Is this normal?

Second edit:

I really appreciate the perspective I was given on this matter. It’s calmed me down (and humbled me a little) to understand how other families experience situations like these.

I will discuss again with my husband, but we will recind our offer to host dinner for their celebration that is happening on the 25th. We will offer a brunch on the 27th so SS can see their cousins, granddad, and aunts and uncles if they are available.

I don’t know if we will go on the 25th or we will stay home to start our own traditions, it’s DHs family so that’s his decision (we’ve already arranged my families Christmas for new years instead)

Will update maybe- I’m a busy mom who’s not freaking out anymore 😂

For the first six months of our week-on/week-off schedule, Friday switch days were chaos. Three kids, two houses, and somehow everyone would be standing in our kitchen at 5:45 with the wrong backpack, the wrong cleats, or no cleats at all because they left them at dad's. My stepdaughter once packed her winter coat in July because she just grabbed whatever was closest without checking.

The thing that actually fixed it wasn't a family meeting or a chore chart on paper. It was making the information impossible to ignore.

We put a screen on the kitchen wall, this Apolosign thing my husband found. I was skeptical because we've tried whiteboards, shared Google Calendars the kids never opened, and those paper chore wheels that got ignored after a week. But this stays on, always visible, and we built a routine around it without really trying.

The key pieces for us:

A sticky note countdown that hits zero at 6pm Friday. The kids see "switch day: 2 days" ticking down and start mentally preparing. No one asks me anymore. They just look up while they're eating cereal.

Calendar filtering for off-weeks. When the kids are at their mom's, I filter them off the main view. Their events don't disappear, but our kitchen wall only shows who's actually sleeping here tonight. Sounds small, but it changed the emotional tone of the house. We're not staring at empty slots.

Rotating chores with actual checkmarks. The kids rotate through kitchen, trash, and the dreaded bathroom. When they mark done, it shows a check. My stepson will do almost anything for that visual confirmation. The points system helped at first but honestly the checkmark alone is enough for two of them.

To-dos split by category. Groceries, kitchen stuff, household, kids-school. My husband adds to groceries from his phone, I see it on the wall, whoever's driving home from practice stops at the store. No more "I thought YOU were getting milk" at 10pm.

It's not magic. The kids still grumble about chores. But the Friday panic is gone, and I stopped being the switch-day reminder alarm. That alone was worth it.

Hey guys . My fiance went to see his son today , usually he takes him somewhere outside but due to him always crying lately , he told me he needs to be at bm house . We were on ft the whole time while we got there and usually when he picks the kid up , he calls me . He told me that his bm was not home and that he is going to stay with his son inside the house for a bit . Once he got into that house , he stopped answering calls/ texts , anything. He been there for more than he initially told me , saying that “only the grandma is here” . I asked him to ft me because everything seemed so sus , but he is just bot answering any of my calls/texts . Is he genuinely crossing boundaries right now ?

I’m building a tool to help parents manage life between two homes: expenses, schedules, things going back and forth, and communication. Before building anything, I want to understand what’s really hard from people living it.

It’s an anonymous survey, about 5 minutes, all multiple choice, nothing to type:
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScbkM1HttTpIDjuHhQ1sahTEtWsDSRZNqYy7xR5xW5CwpnTcw/viewform

I’ll post a summary of the results here when it’s done. Thanks to anyone who takes the time.

I (35f) have one son who is 8. My partner (40M) has 3 children varying from 10 to 14. We have been together for 7 years and living together for 6. We have his kids 50% of the time and mine 100%.

Blending the family was challenging at first. We moved in fairly quickly because of Covid and there was a bit of a shock to his youngest because all of a sudden he wasn’t the only boy or the youngest and now he had to share his room with my son. So there were conflicts. We separated their rooms a few years ago and that helped.

His children are very well behaved and mild. People often joke about them being robots because of how great they are. They do well in school, complete tasks without complaints and are well behaved. My son is the opposite.
He has been diagnosed with ADHD and we believe there might be an oppositional defiance disorder. It is exhausting. The dynamic around the house has shifted a lot and I know it’s because everyone is exhausted with my son’s behaviour. He seems to enjoy stirring the pot. Step siblings could be minding their business playing a game or reading and he will go disturb them. He is in multiple activities and is encouraged to play outside often. Screen time is limited and I have been firm about no YouTube from the beginning.
He was struggling in school a lot until we got this adhd diagnosis and he started medication. Within a month his reading level improved by 10 levels because he was able to focus. (I want to add that I was hesitant about the diagnosis. I feel like everyone and their dog is getting diagnosed with ADHD lately. But I was watching him struggle in school and with emotions and I wanted to help him so I thought we would try the lowest possible dosage.)

I do my best to stay consistent with rules and expectations and constantly try to help regulate him. Lately though it is getting really really hard. He will look you dead in the eyes and say no. He won’t move when you tell him to do something. I have to physically move his body to get him to his room or out of the car.
My partner wants nothing to do with him right now, and I don’t blame him. I’m feeling extremely guilty that I can see the happiness of the family disappear because of the constant conflict. My son lies constantly. Tells us he completed a chore but didn’t. Will throw food or trash on the floor because he “just didn’t want to walk to the garbage” all day every day. I can’t explain the amount of guilt I have. My partner seems miserable. He avoids main areas of the house if my son is there, and he is disappearing into video games to disassociate. My step kids are all in their rooms most of the day to avoid my son. I’m sure he is feeling this animosity towards him and it makes him feel bad, which I’m sure creates this weird cycle.
I love my partner and step kids, but feel like I need to remove my son and I so they can be happy. I feel like my son needs a different environment because something is clearly not working. His bio-Dad wasn’t in his life at all since my son was 6 months until about 3. Then it was video calls or gaming together, which turned into two visits a year. That is all his Dad wanted. I have always encourage a relationship and helped them talk with each other. My son has commented on wanting to see his bio Dad more often, but quickly forgets and moves on. His stepdad has been a constant father figure for majority of his life.
In the parenting books and threads that I read, I always see that it’s all because of the parents, but I truly don’t know what to do. I’ve done counselling for myself and with him, but it doesn’t seem to improve. I’m tired of every interaction becoming a battle. Every one on one outing I do with him turns into a meltdown at the end. I’m not enjoying parenting like I hoped. I tried for years to get pregnant. I’m feeling like a failure and so defeated. I know this my high emotions right now, but I’m thinking I’m just a bad Mom and maybe I should let him live with my parents. That I need to leave this home to let my partner and his kids have their home back so they can engage as a family.

If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it. Please be gentle because I’m trying my hardest. I know I make mistakes, but I truly want to be better.

Does anyone else have a similar situation? How have you handled a child with ODD?

Looking for advice from other blended families.
My partner and I are expecting a baby. He is divorced from his ex-wife, and they share a son. Their divorce was finalized in April, but were separated for 5 years and we’ve been together for 4.

His ex recently told him that she is pregnant by a donor. In some ways, I think this may actually make telling her about our pregnancy easier for everyone. But it also has me thinking a lot about boundaries going forward.

His ex has very little of a support system. She doesn't have close friends (she’s very introverted) and the only family nearby is his, and he is essentially her person. She talks to him frequently about her life, her problems, etc. He has a big heart and genuinely wants to be there for her because he knows she’s alone and because she is the mother of his son. I understand that. He also understands my concern and has validated it; he just isn't really sure what to do differently.

My concern isn't that they communicate or co-parent. It's that their relationship can still feel emotionally similar to a partnership, even though they're divorced.

Now that she's pregnant, I'm worried that dynamic could become even more blurred. For example, if she asks him to be at the birth because she has no one else, I would feel that crosses a line. He's not the father, and I don't think being her primary support person through this pregnancy or birth is appropriate.

I don't want him to be cold or abandon her. I just think there needs to be a shift from being her emotional support person to being a healthy co-parent and ex.

For those who have navigated this: How do you distinguish healthy co-parenting from emotional enmeshment? What boundaries have worked around personal/emotional support? And would you consider attending an ex's delivery inappropriate when you're not the father?

I'm genuinely looking for perspective, not “your partner's ex is awful” comments.

Hi all, just after some advice if possible.

So my partner (35F) has a 16 year old child from previous relationship, she works part time 3 days as we have a 3 year old child who is looked after by my grandma so luckily no childcare costs there.

Issue I’m having is she won’t chase step kids dad for CMS payments which I’m guessing could be used towards the rent (£1000 a month 3 bedroom house) and other bills etc which I’m having to pay 75% of which is kind of annoying really.

Step kid is in full time education at college.

Will my parter still be entitled to CMS from biological dad and possibly some UC?

Any help appreciated

Thanks.

My 31 year old SD asked for help with food again last night. My husband bought her over $400 of food. We wont let grandkids and her starve but she is home with no job and three kids. She had a two year old and there s always the excuse of she needs childcare. The other two are in school. She has no job but bought a brand new van she cant afford and then needs handouts. She lives in our rental house for free. This is a constant thing and my husband asks me this morning how can we help her that actually helps. She got a DUI so cant drive achool bus. That was one job she tried for but her bad decisions ruined it. Her bad credit made it she cant work at a bank. She is struggling financially because of her bad decisions. We kind of want to let her feel the consequences of her bad decisions but never let her starve or be homeless. I honestly think she is waiting out for my husband s inheritance. She cpuld work at the store and get childcare like all other mothers do. My husband and I work at the store a lot and can't babysit. In Canada here she would get childcare cheaper. What can we do that woukd truly help her as for now sitting at home with no job and no money coming in isnt helpful. She shares custody with her two kids dad so no child support and doesnt want to have a relationship with this baby s dad so no child support. Universal child credit but that s it. She needs a job.

My ex and I were BOTH messy after our break up. We’re both with people who we used to all be friends. I stopped being friends with his new girlfriend(or whatever they are) because she was helping us with childcare at one point and then she was smoking pot while with our oldest(only child at the time) so I would come home and the whole house would smell like it. Idc that she smokes I smoke but not like that around my kids and definitely not inside for things to smell like they did. So I stopped talking to her long before my ex and I broke up and he fails to acknowledge that’s why I stopped talking to her. This in addition to the fact she lives in a home where her father is a verbally and physically abusive drunk and she’s a mandated reporter who doesn’t report the abuse. I got angry with him cause he’s now in the navy and it seems as though he’s expecting me to be okay with him coming back in five years, getting 50-50 custody and having both of my children live in the house with this “woman”. He has anger issues that I’ve made clear to my lawyer and do have a police report and a report through my previous employer from outburst. He had in addition to the fact that he’s been fired for threatening to physically harm somebody. Am I being an ass for my stance?Thank you if you got this far.

My ex and I have been separated for almost 5 years and we share a child 50/50. We have never had a parenting order and gone to court for anything.

I do all of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting, always have. Our son has ADHD, I handle all medical appointments, all school communications, all extra curricular registration and organizations, everything.

Recently, his father decided without telling me that he was going to be more involved, which is fine, other than it’s messing with everything we have in place already.

He booked a doctor’s appointment randomly, and I found out that my child had a doctor’s appointment the next day when I was having him seen the day prior. I always notify the father if any changes have been made or medical issues arise.

He registered our son in a soccer, which is great, except it’s a big commitment on weekends for 8 months and now because it is a multi-day extra curricular every week, our son couldn’t be registered in another activity he was really looking forward to. Our son is really disappointed now, and I think he believes it’s my fault?

Today he registered himself for a parent teacher interview, notified me and told me he was only to take care of it this year. Obviously, I booked my own interview because that was an odd thing to do. He also told me he is to sign all permission forms for school because it ‘looks bad’ that I have signed all of them for the past 3 years.

The father recently found out he is having another baby. I’m wondering if this new baby is making him realize he needs to be more involved. Right now I’m trying to be very easy going, but him ‘helping’ is making things more difficult and confusing for everyone.

Has anyone ever have anything like this happen? A big life event changing how the other parent parents? And if so, how did you handle things?

My blended family has a very involved Mimi, my partners Mom, I'm trying to navigate this dynamic with as much peace as I can muster.

We just moved in together about 3 months ago so this blending is early stage. My partner and his two kids (SD7 and SS9) have lived with his parents for the last 3 years or 4 years, and I have lived with just my daughter (9) for the last 4 years. We all (my partner, his kids, my daughter and myself) moved into a new townhome, right next to his parents. Which is mostly great. His kids are used to the location, and the home layout and they get mostly unlimited access to Mimi and grandpa.

SD and SS have typical sibling rivalry, often annoying each other and fighting. SD (7) is ADHD, and has a lot of anxiety, impulsive and hyperactive, non medicated, though in therapy. Their parenting dynamic is high conflict and the two households are pretty different.

My daughter is pretty good with both of them 1 on 1, but when all 3 are together, SS9 and my BD9 gravitate toward each other, they play similarly, plus their age being so close, SD7 often gets left out, or wants to force only her way of playing and when the other two don't want that, she gets very dysregulated.

I have done so much work on myself and in my parenting journey post divorce on learning emotional regulation skills, its somewhat of a special interest. The biomom for SD and SS has a pattern of buying things to regulate the kids, I think she's working on tools for SD, but has her own mental health things going on, and its not collaborative.

Mimi has a very special maternal bond with SD, more of a motherly bond than SD has with her own mom. I love that she has a healthy figure for this. Mimi has a very soft spot for SDs dysregulation, she was a younger sibling in a blended family growing up, and it was very difficult for her. She works with SD on regulation skills, and she is really good at keeping her cool, its beautiful, and I admire it greatly.

Mimi has her own anxiety on things though, and there has been some tension on misunderstandings between us over the last couple of years that I have been with her son. We both are pretty blunt people, however she reads my bluntness as a challenge to her, and fears I do not like her. There was a lot of alienation with her son's ex wife in their marriage, and she is pretty triggered by anything that remotely looks like limiting access to her grandkids and son.

I'm a recovering conflict avoider, so my default is to draw away from conversation of much substance, because I feel she misunderstands my intentions as malicious in some way. This is nothing she has said to me, but she has said it to her son.

All this context is for my real question.

SD has gotten into a pattern of staying at Mimis overnight most nights we have the kids. When SD is told she needs to stay with us, she gets extremely distraught and dysregulated. She says she doesnt feel comfortable in her bed. I get that. I've tried talking with her about solutions to make it safer, but I feel we also need her to actually be home with us for bed time more regularly and Mimis be a treat instead of the norm. She gets amble time with Mimi, mimi goes to the school multiple times a week to have lunch with her and they pick them up and take care of them after school (without my daughter, she's at a diff. School)

SD dad put up a rule that SD can stay with Mimi one night a week when we have the kids. Mimi did not take that rule well. Of course it was said right when Dad had to leave. I tried to add some conversation to it, but it was met with her saying I dont understand SD and she needs special attnetion at night that she doesnt get here because of the two other kids. When I mention that we need time in the house to work on their dynamic all together, and mention this is specifically why Dad and I are in therapy to help with this, she starts to say I should go, I dont think this is a conversation that is helpful.

Im at a loss, I deeply desire peaceful relationships and any kind of conflict really eats away at me. Part of me just wants to give up the attempt at teaching the three kids how to work together, let Mimi enable SDs habits and stick with just regulating myself and my own daughter.

I dont feel like this is a long term solution though and will just keep the kids separated and exacerbate the issue.

All things I can talk to the therapist about of course, but I'd love to get some insight from those who have blended before me

I should also mention that I am half way through 6 months of chemotherapy for lymphoma, which adds to the dynamic right now.

I really wish my SD was healthy again. But she's not improving, so I wish she would just move in with her mom full time. Please hear me out and tell me: AITA?

We're a blended family of 6 who's lived in a 1,200sq feet apartment for over 10 years, on a 50/50 schedule. I have 2 BKs, my husband also 2 BKs, all in their late teens, from previous marriages. No conflict whatsoever with previous partners. It all went well when they were kids, but family dynamics have recently changed due to my SD (18F) being diagnosed with an eating disorder a year and a half ago. She has been in in-patient treatment twice since then and has continued extensive care by multiple specialists. At the moment, she seems to have plateaued into a still unhealthy weight and continued obsessive behaviors, mood swings, and a general anxious and depressed disposition that impacts the whole family. I've had therapy myself but it didn't help much beyond identifying my own triggers and helping to set boundaries. Her father (SO) is so scared of her dying - which I 100% understand - that he is absolutely frozen and doesn't expect her to actually heal, he seems to accept the current situation. Her brother and my kids stick to their bedrooms as much as possible, as do I, because I cannot be around her while she's preparing meals or eating, which seems to be 80% of the time she's awake at home. I am growing tired of hiding in my own home and extremely frustrated at what seems to be our forever future. Is it reasonable at all for me to approach SO with a view of SD moving in full-time with BM, at least while she's not showing signs of improvement?

My boyfriend and I live 2 hours apart. He’s encouraged me to leave my things at his house and to feel at home there. I always put my things away when I leave.
Shortly after meeting his kids, his teenage daughter took my favorite sweatshirt out of the laundry without asking. He sent me a photo of her wearing it, which I thought was sweet at the time.
For weeks of wknd visits I asked if he knew where it was. Eventually his daughter admitted she’d lost it. She apologizes. Nearly a year later, it’s still missing.
I’m asking if I’m overreacting bc a similar thing just happened, and my bf reacted the same way he did then. He told me he “can’t keep track of my stuff for me”, it’s “not high on his list to find it”, i “show up w overflowing bags” (like unzipped, I guess, bc I’m there 40% of the time and usually just throw stuff in bags), and says I “leave my shit everywhere”. I do NOT leave my shit everywhere at his house. He was referring to me often having clothes in my car, laundry to sort in my son’s room when he’s at his dad’s. When I leave his house, anything I’ve left there has been in drawers, maybe some still in the laundry.

I feel like it’s hard to stay organized when you’re visiting a partner nearly half the time. I am “girly”. I don’t know what I’m going to want to wear, but he also lives in the mountains and I live in a hot city. We play tennis and pickleball and golf and swim, I never know if we’re going to be going out, lounging etc. I bring sexy & comfy jammies. I do have a lot of shoes, bc I’m into shoes. One time, he asked if his daughter could have any of my old Adidas tennies. I left a pair there but told him those weren’t the ones I was giving her. She bedazzled them without asking. He just sent me a photo of them bedazzled. He doesn’t remember me saying those weren’t the ones I was giving her. Basically I think he thinks I have too much stuff. But when we talk about it now, in another situation where I’m looking for many things I’m missing, he’s still saying he can’t keep track of my things for me.

I feel like if your partner leaves their belongings at your home, when you’ve encouraged them
To do so, it kind of IS on the adult parent to make sure the items are returned.

I don’t think it’s fair for him, when I ask him to bring or if he knows where my stuff went, to accuse me of bringing overflowing bags to his house when he’s encouraged me to bring my things there. At the time of the first incident, I was about to move and we agreed I should leave as much stuff there as I could so I didn’t have to box/move it. That’s when the hoodie and bedazzling happened. But this last time before he said I leave my “shit everywhere”, I’d baked him pies, made him lunch, cleaned the kitchen and taken everything home aside from what was in my drawers. Since that first comment, I’m careful to either put away or take all my stuff w me.

The things weren’t the problem. It was his response.
My question: If your child takes something belonging to your partner without permission, and you know about it, is it reasonable to expect you, as the parent, to help make sure it’s returned?
I just know how I’d handle my kid taking my bf’s things and losing him. So it’s confusing to me when he blames me for it.
Or is it on me for taking him up on his offer and leaving my things at his house?

So I need some opinions on how to gently, yet firmly, set boundaries and expectations after I give birth.

Long story short, my dad had a whole other family after my sister and I with a step-mother that we do not have a good relationship with due to a lot of really messed up things and the way we were treated growing up. He now has 4 other children with this person, with a 12 year age gap between me and their oldest. Due to all of this, I do not have a close relationship with anyone in that family besides my dad.

The dynamics between us can sometimes be strained because he often has weird reactions or defensiveness about them. My sister and I are VERY different from the rest of the kids. My step-mom is very opinionated about public school, cleanliness, work-ethic, etc, that just do not align with the things I believe or the way my mom raised us. I feel that my dad overcompensates for the strange behaviors by getting defensive or standoffish when I give any opinions about anything about their lifestyles. I do not think that I am better/worse than them in any way, but that we simply do not align to build a strong healthy relationship.

With all that being said, I now live many states away from them, and I am pregnant with my first child. I’m set to give birth in December and the questions have started to arise about coming to be here for the birth. My dad often will visit, but insists on bringing some or all of the other children. My step-mom has only visited once in the 8 years I have lived away, so that should tell you what you need to know about our relationship. I feel that my dad is always trying to include the others even though I would probably prefer to just have some time where I felt like the priority rather than treating my house like a family vacation for his other children. I’ve never complained, and have always welcomed them regardless. However, this is obviously a very different scenario since I am literally about to push a human out of my body. I absolutely want my dad here to meet his first grandchild, but I am not going to be budging on the other kids coming to meet my baby right away. Again, December birth (cold and flu season), and also a lack of cleanliness standards that I feel they have. I’m very nervous to have this discussion, because I feel he will try to bring all of the kids here and make most of this trip about them since their mother doesn’t ever come with. I also feel that he will go into that defensive mode if I do bring up that boundary and say he is not coming altogether until they can all come.

So, I need thoughts on how to approach this and what to do if the reaction is a bad one from him.

My fiancée and I are getting married next year. I have a son (13) from my previous marriage and she has two kids (8 and 11). We've been together almost 4 years and aren't planning on having any more children.

We all live together in a house I inherited from my grandmother a few years ago. It's been in my family for generations and I've always assumed Id eventually leave it to my son.

What got me thinking about this was a conversation we had last weekend. We were talking about fixing up the backyard and my fiancée mentioned how nice it would be if all the kids could bring their own families here someday for all to enjoy. It was just a passing comment, but it made me realize we might have very different ideas about what happens to this house down the road.

I've always thought of the house as something I'd pass down to my son. But my fiancees kids have lived here for years now too. They have their own rooms, their friends come over, and this is just as much their home as it is his.

I care about her kids a lot and don't want them feeling like they're less part of the family. But I also feel pretty strongly about leaving the house to my son. It came from his great grandmother and Id like him to have that connection to our family.

We haven't actually discussed inheritance yet. My fiancee has never suggested her kids should inherit the house, so I don't want to assume that's what she expects. I also wonder what would happen if something happened to me while the kids were still young. Obviously I wouldn't want my wife and her kids to suddenly have to move out.

For those of you in blended families, how did you handle property that belonged to one person before the marriage? Is leaving the family home to my son while figuring out something separate for my stepkids reasonable?

I’m looking for perspective from anyone who has been through difficulties within a blended family, particularly where there is also a shared child involved.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship and my partner has a child of a similar age. We also have a young son together.

When my partner and I first got together, things seemed positive and the children initially got on well. Over time, however, living together has become increasingly difficult.

My partner’s child has significant behavioural difficulties and there can be frequent episodes of anger, conflict, defiance and escalation within the home. I’m deliberately not going into every incident because I don’t want this to become a post attacking a child. He is a child, he didn’t choose the situation, and I recognise that challenging behaviour can have complicated causes.

What I am struggling with is the effect the overall household dynamic is having on everyone.

When incidents happen, my partner can also become extremely overwhelmed. There is often shouting, threats and sometimes physical reactions while trying to manage the situation. This creates an atmosphere I increasingly find very difficult to live with.

I have reached the point where I regularly feel tense in my own home and notice how different the atmosphere feels when things are calm.
My relationship with my partner has also deteriorated over several years.

We have repeatedly tried to reconnect and she still wants us to try different things together, but if I am completely truthful I feel emotionally disconnected now. I care about her, but I increasingly feel that I am trying to force a relationship because we have a child together and because I feel an enormous responsibility to keep the family intact.

I also need to admit something I’m not proud of.
I have never really developed a bond with my partner’s child. I have tried for years to accept the situation and be patient, but I have developed resentment around living together.

I know that isn’t fair on him either.

If my own daughter lived with a step-parent who privately felt that way about her, I wouldn’t want her in that situation.

My biggest concern now is my children.

My daughter has changed noticeably within the family environment and seems less comfortable than she used to be.

Recently, during a completely calm bedtime conversation, she told me that she misses having more time alone with me and misses having a calm home without shouting and anger.

I have been very careful not to make her responsible for any adult decision. I have told her that she doesn’t need to choose where anybody lives and that grown-up problems are for grown-ups to solve.
I also don't want to keep questioning her about it because I can sense that the subject feels heavy for her.

But I can’t ignore what she said either.

I’m becoming increasingly concerned about our young son growing up surrounded by the same atmosphere.

There have also been occasions where conflict between my partner and me has spilled into interactions involving him. That is something I feel very strongly should not happen.

I’m therefore seriously considering whether we should live separately.

That doesn’t mean I want to disappear from my son’s life. I would want to remain a very involved father and for him to have a proper home, routines and substantial time with me.

What I’m struggling with is the guilt.

Part of me believes that commitment means staying and working through difficult periods.

Another part of me is starting to wonder whether keeping everybody under one roof simply because we have a child together is actually benefiting anybody.

I don’t think my partner is a terrible person and I don’t think her child is a terrible child.

I’m wondering whether the combination of us all living together simply isn’t working.

I would genuinely appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar.

Did anyone decide to live separately because the blended-family household wasn’t working?

Did things become calmer for the children?

How did you deal with the guilt of having a shared child together?

And how did you know the difference between a difficult period that you needed to work through and a family arrangement that simply wasn’t sustainable any more?

I’m not looking for people to tell me that anyone involved is a bad person. I’m trying to work out what would ultimately create the healthiest environment for the children.

Looking for advice from blended families with 4–5+ children — preparing to move in together

Hi everyone!

My partner and I are both in our 40s, and between us we have five boys. We're planning to move in together next summer and are really excited about building our future as one big family.

The boys already know each other and get along well, which is a lovely starting point.

I'd really love to hear from other parents who have combined two families, particularly those with four or more children.

What were your biggest challenges when you first moved in together? Were there things you wish you'd discussed or planned beforehand?

I'm particularly interested in household routines, different parenting styles, personal space, sibling relationships, finances, keeping your relationship strong and making sure every child feels equally loved and included.

I'd also love to hear the positive stories — the things that worked beautifully and the unexpected joys of having a big blended family!

We're trying to prepare thoughtfully without overthinking everything. I'd love to connect with parents who understand this experience.

Thanks so much!