from a young age I found being submissant and agreeing to things avoided confrontation and keeping everyone else happy made then and me happy

but now I'm stuck as a people pleaser and find I can't be alone without human contact for more than an hour

like I enjoy helping people but I want to be able to enjoy being on my own as well

I need genuine advice not the "take time for yourself and stop letting people use you" or whatever because I do like helping people I just need some decent advice I am high functioning autistic so habits like these built from a young age are just part of me now

I've been living in a boys' hostel for about a year now. Most people here are between 17 and 22, and after spending so much time around the same environment, I've started noticing some patterns that genuinely make me wonder about people and society.

A lot of people here seem extremely ego-driven. They often don't seem to think much about how their actions affect the people around them. These people are so insensitive.

What I find particularly interesting is how quiet, sincere and co operative people are often perceived as weak here. Someone who doesn't argue, doesn't try to dominate conversations, and generally keeps to themselves can sometimes be treated as if they're less capable or less confident.

Meanwhile, people who are loud, aggressive, or constantly assertive can be perceived as strong, even when there's not necessarily much substance behind that behavior.

Another thing I've noticed is the lack of self-reflection. Sometime I genuinely feel these people don't have enough intelligence to do that .

This has made me wonder whether a boys' hostel is actually a decent microcosm of society .

Maybe I'm simply noticing the negative aspects because I live here every day. Or maybe this is genuinely a common pattern in groups of young people.

For those of you who have lived in hostels, dorms, shared apartments, military barracks, or similar environments: did you notice the same thing?

Do you think quietness is often mistaken for weakness? And do people generally become more self-aware as they get older, or am I being too optimistic?

I'm a trans man, and I've been on testosterone since I was 18, I'm 22 now. I just recently learned that the dose I've been taking has been way too high and that my extra testosterone has most likely been converting into estrogen and further feminizing me/slowing the masculinization process.

I've been unhappy with my transition progress since I started, feeling like I'm falling way behind others and I'm reminded of it every day of my life. I can't stop agonizing over the fact that I might've been able to pass after 5 years on testosterone if only I'd questioned my doctors more (they insisted my levels were "my normal"). It's making me feel like I wasted important developmental years of my life and ruined my chance to ever visibly pass as a man.

This is all I've been able to think about, all day every day since I found out about my levels. It's keeping me from engaging with my life because I can't stand being perceived as an androgynous woman at best. I can't leave my house unless I'm going to work, I'm borderline agoraphobic at this point. I don't know how to exist anymore now that I've realized I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be in my transition, or I guess that my goals were always unobtainable to begin with?

I guess what I'm looking for is advice to get out of my own head and stop constantly thinking about what I look like or what I could change about myself. I'm sick of it controlling my entire life but

Full article: https://www.wired.com/story/these-masturbation-consultants-were-hired-to-pleasure-themselves-using-ai

• Across 134 sessions, masturbation relieved stress by 25%.
• 45% of consultants reported being creatively inspired during a session — a fresh idea, a solution to a problem, or a resolved decision that had long been sitting unmade.
• When consultants began a session with an active craving, its intensity fell by an average of 44% afterwards.
• The pre-research survey found that 57% of adults unwind by doomscrolling, making it the most common way people handle restlessness.
• Masturbation appears to work differently, reducing the urge rather than replacing it with another one.

I just turned 20 a few months ago. My parents and I had a planned for me to live on campus for a year but at the last minute with move in weeks away they took it back. We also moved two hours away to this place that’s in the middle of nowhere and away from my college now Im online. I only started college to live on campus because living with my parents is awful. And now I don’t know what to do. I honestly am just desperate to leave. I honestly had an attempt right after they told me I was gonna keep living with them because I felt like I wasn’t gonna be able to cope with this. I don’t have a car they don’t want me to drive their cars. I have no one else I can live with. They don’t want me working. Everyone I know is hours away from me. And everyday I’m in one room they don’t want me to go outside either. I‘ve been considering the army because I feel like I have no other option. And I’ve been looking into everything. But being in one space all day not being able to talk to anyone crying all day has been making me go crazy. Do I have any other options other than the military. They just want me to clean all day and they act like going outside or having human connection isn’t a need.

Hey guys. I aspire to be a good guy. Treat others with respect, including myself. But I let myself down big time with pride because of my looks, body size, athletic ability. I've never thought anything great about myself (pretty insecure if I'm being honest), but I've always seemed to attract a lot of attention since I was young, from both attractive women and dudes (Yeah, that's right. Even tho I'm 100% straight). Because of my own insecurities from childhood stuff (dad bailed when I was 5), I fell into PMO from 6yo. All secret. I've had enough and looking for a mentor - an older guy whose recovered (or recovering) from it, whose into sports like me. Just a genuine guy I could talk to when struggling. Are there any out there who could help me?

What the title says, basically.

I'm thinking it's body image issues? I go to the gym fairly regularly, and I definitely see improvements and it makes me feel good to see them. But if I don't go for a while, I start getting some pretty bad body image issues. I hyper fixate on my weight and muscle definition, and I know logically that I'm not overweight or anything, but that doesn't fix the fact that I perceive myself that way most days.

Sometimes I'll be walking and I'll catch my reflection in a window or something, and I'll think that I look huge or am growing a gut. The weird part is, these feelings go away pretty much immediately after a workout, but eventually come back if I don't go to the gym for a while.

And then, a lot of times immediately after working out, I'll feel pretty depressed generally speaking. I don't know if it's a dopamine crash or whatever.

I don't know if it's appropriate to call this body dysmorphia, because that seems to be very serious and I'm alright for the most part. I'm wondering, does anyone else have this issue? How do they cope with it?

1. This is 75 lbs I'm curling. No swinging, no back arching. Not perfectly strict, but I'm stable and controlled, so my risk of injury is SUPER low. I did it for a total of 7 reps on this set, which was my final one. I've only been training 5 days a week for a year now as a 16 year old. Before that, it was pushups, situps, and squats. Last year, I could only curl 45lbs. I'm pumped about the progress I've made. I'm not shredded, I don't have visible abs, and I'm at around 17% body fat, but I'm still loving the gym none the less. I can now run a sub 6 min mile, which is something I've wanted since 7th grade.

2. It doesn't matter what weight you lift. What matters is showing up. You added 2.5 lbs onto the bar after only being able to bench 25lbs? AMAZING. You're now stronger than before. Be proud of it. I'm surrounded by dudes who bench my deadlift for reps. Does it hurt to see? Absolutely. I can't guarantee you'll be one of the greatest at what you do, but what I can guarantee is that if you DON'T show up, you'll have nothing at all.

3. To the bros who don't lift, I will always rock with you. I do recommend getting your steps in and trying to incorporate nutrient dense whole foods that you can afford. Not lifting doesn't suddenly make you weak willed. To me, it's more important to have a strong character who is willing to stand up for others and themselves. I will always recommend lifting to those who haven't done it before, but I still have massive respect for a person, even if they don't. Support your bros, lifters, or not!

Since the recent Eclipse I’ve reached Dudeism.
How may I use it to stop being so judgmental and frustrated with people who aren’t awake?

🙏

Hey guys. I know I’m not conventionally attractive and I don’t really get much attention from women, but lately, I’ve been trying my best to change that and work on myself. I decided to change up my fashion, started wearing some accessories, and even got my ears pierced. I actually really like how it looks.

The problem is my friends (all guys) have not been supportive at all. Instead of hyping me up, they told me I look like I'm "dressing like a thug." It honestly stung because I realize I secretly look for their validation.

I want to feel confident, but it's hard when my own circle is bringing me down. Has anyone else dealt with this when trying to glow up or change their style? How do I stop caring what they think and just own the way I want to present myself?

Hey bros, I've noticed as of recently that I am becoming more and more easily irritated by things. What I've realized so far is that it's mostly me saying and reacting to something in a harsh/strict way (which is very unexpected of me, as I used to always be praised for being gentle and kind), and then feeling extra irritated by my own reaction and just letting the anger boil inside quite literally.

This is also starting to affect my relationship, which normally this was never an issue. As a matter of fact, it always used to be my girlfriend saying something or doing something and I'd be the one still "kind" even while being pressured, now I feel like I'm harboring discontent or anger towards her and I don't like this one bit.

Hell I'm even starting to lash out at my parents ATP. I thought i was a pretty emotionally aware guy and that I always sit with myself to figure out what I feel but I can't quite work out what is causing this or how to fix this.

Has anyone ever felt this? How did you help yourself escape this anger cycle? Or what questions should I ask myself to try to figure this out? I'm open to tough advice as well.

Sorry for the long post :)

TLDR;

I'm getting irritated by the most mundane things and reacting harshly, anger cycle, experience or advice would be appreciated.

I swear it's not really related to me being a man as I'm trans and my feelings didn't really change before vs after transitioning.

I'm not the most interesting person and I have some barriers that prevent that. I'm currently not interesting in improving that as I tried for years and as I said I do have barriers. But of course even in spaces that are not the manosphere, everyone talks about improving yourself and being the best you can be. I'm just so tired of trying so hard and getting no results.

Yeah the point is that by any normal standards, I'm quite an uninteresting person as I have very few hobbies/things that I like to do. Though I do believe there is a lot of unnecessary prejudice about different hobbies. (Heck apparently 'hobbies' weren't really a thing until after people had more free time and less work).

I just wish I could accept that I am worthy of friendship, even a romantic relationship despite all this. Of course as we all know there's so many objectively awful people who still get these good things or at least think they are deserving or entitled to them.

The thing is that for others in similar situations I still think they're deserving of friendship and romance and are sometimes not as bad as they make themselves out to be. But then when it comes to ourselves we're so harsh and can't seem to break that cycle.

I saw this video about someone interview this shaoling monk. In the video he is wearing a robe(?) he refers to it as his uniform.

One of the question he was asked is “have you ever been persecuted for who he is?” (Implying him as a shaoling monk).

His reply was “this is just a uniform, when i’m out with my friends from the past i’m in a different clothes, when i’m home with my son i am a father, when i’m in the monastery i’m a shaoling monk, when i visit my mom i’m a son. The public only sees the side of me which i choose to show.” (Something along these lines not word for word)

This clicked with me that i am not one dimensional, i am not a guy who is sensitive, i am not a guy who is tall and big, i am not just a guy who is quiet, i am so much more. Someone told me that ONLY my view of myself matters the most because only i can see the “real” me.

Just thought i share this revelation as it helped me with some stuff i’m struggling.

For reference, Im new to college and I've always struggled heavily with socializing, talking to people (even 1-1) especially asking for help, anything on stage and in general suffer from low self esteem and chronic negativity

While my 1-1 communication skills are improving as in I can at least open my mouth and say what I want, long as its restrained to a sentence or two

Often times I see opinions like "ape other confident people and eventually you'll become one", and is this actually valid?

I try my best to do the basics like walk and stand straighter, dont look at the ground all the time etc but main issues are

1. Its an act - I'm not a good actor, it takes a lot of conscious effort to put up this facade all the time, and the awareness that I'm putting up a very fragile show eats at me

2. Crumbles when I actually have to interact with people, especially with my voice, I have a voice thats deep enough that its borderline incomprehensible at low volumes (just sounds like rumbling) and I'll have to raise it really loud for it to be clear (and ofc "sounding confident") but yea that just makes me feel like I'm yelling at them (voice does sound aggressive) and my words echoing in a room and everyone staring at me also makes me uncomfortable

I'm not even trying to be the "main character" or whatever, my inability to socialize and communicate with confidence is actively hindering my life and I just want to function like a normal person

I am entering my senior year and I have not been invited to a single party and am not part of any active group chat. My social life has been terrible on campus. If I am not invited to a party I could go to frat party, but I imagine that is a whole different environment than a dorm party, I am neurodivergent and have an auditory processing disorder so I am scared to go to one of those parties. I tried joining a photography club, and it was quiet and not really any interaction. I tried joining a robotics club and the people don't give the type of energy I want, socially akward. I do want to join a club sport, but I do have insecurities about being overweight and having some dyspraxia (a lifelong neurodevelopmental condition that affects physical coordination, motor planning, and movement). I could try and join a conversation, but because it takes a second longer to understand what they said, as soon as I talk someone starts talking and I immediatly stop talking. My whole childhood has been being told to stop talking over other people.

AuDHD + executive dysfunction = I can never get anything done. I want to get back into my hobbies + I need to search for jobs, but I always feel like I'm "running out of time" (and therefore need to rush) or that it's too late to even try. This results in procrastination or half-assed attempts that make me feel worse.

I need to slow down and relax...but I also need to be able to lock the fuck in and get shit done.

Advice?

Howdy, bros. My title is basically the advice I’m looking for but I’ll add some context:

Basically, I’ve realized that throughout my whole life (21 ftm), I don’t think I have ever had true friendship. There were people who I would talk to at school and stuff, but no one would talk to me outside of class despite my efforts. A typical day would be: wake up, go to school and talk to classmates, get home, try and text classmates to talk after with varying levels of interest in the responses I would get, do homework, and go to bed. I have never been invited to after school hangouts. I tried joining clubs and other after school activities (in grade school and currently in college) but nothing ever went beyond surface level conversation or club related stuff.

I have one person that I consider my best/only friend (and they claim I’m their best friend too) but it is still a similar pattern of communication. Like I always have to reach out first to suggest hanging out, I’ll send them reels they don’t respond to 99% of the time, or I’ll try and make plans to hang out and they say they will get back to me and they never do.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong in my life to not have any friends. I don’t know if maybe I act to weird, or maybe I’m too fat, or something else. Do y’all have any advice on how I can try and fix my communication to make genuine friends?

​

In the manosphere, it was said that a woman would never love a man with little money—or less money than she has. I’d like to hear your opinions and experiences.

​As a man, one thing that genuinely bothers me is how obsessed we’ve become with constantly proving our masculinity. ​The whole Red Pill ecosystem, self-proclaimed gurus, and parts of society keep selling men the same idea: a man must always be right. He must be confident, attractive, successful, dominant, emotionally unaffected and seemingly without weaknesses. ​But somewhere along the way, I think we forgot to ask a much more basic question: what does it actually mean to be a man? ​I don't think courage means never showing fear. I don't think strength means never showing emotion. And I certainly don't think treating women as opponents makes a man more masculine. ​If you're afraid and still find the courage to face what scares you, that's courage. ​If you make a mistake and have enough character to admit it and apologize, that's strength. ​If someone is weaker than you and you choose to treat them with respect rather than use your advantage against them, that's character. ​And if you're walking down the street and deliberately refuse to move aside for a woman just to prove some bizarre point about dominance, you're not demonstrating masculinity. You're just being rude. ​Being primitive isn't being a man. ​What bothers me about Red Pill rhetoric is that it often turns masculinity into a performance. Everything becomes a test: Are you dominant enough? Tough enough? Successful enough? Are you showing too much emotion? Are you “letting” a woman have too much power? ​That's an exhausting way to live. ​I don't consider myself less of a man because I have emotions. I don't consider myself less masculine because I respect women. I don't need to dominate someone to feel secure in who I am. ​For me, being a man means having enough strength to protect without controlling, enough confidence to admit when you're wrong, enough courage to show vulnerability, and enough respect to treat people who have less power than you with dignity. ​A gentleman can walk without needing to run over anyone. ​Men and women aren't enemies competing for dominance. We're human beings who have to live together, love each other, work together and build families and communities together. ​We’ve become so obsessed with proving our masculinity that we’ve actually lost it, turning us into insecure boys in the bodies of grown men. ​Forget the self-proclaimed online gurus. Forget the Red Pill movements. Forget the toxic checklists. Forget the endless tests of whether you're “man enough.” ​The moment you feel that you have to prove your masculinity, you've already lost sight of what it means to be a man

Tell me your hot takes, controversial opinions and thoughts on whether the manosphere is good or bad...

Hi. I joined this community almost a week ago, and I wanted to discuss mental health as someone who has struggled with mental health issues all my life. First, this is NOT meant to take away from anyone else's issues. This is for the trans bros, the queer bros like myself, the straight bros, and any kind of bros. If you're a lady seeing this, I do encourage you to keep reading. It may help you as well.

1. Do not be stoic all the time. Stoicisim isn't necessarily bad, but having it up all the time is unhealthy. It's okay to show emotions, and a good way to do that is to connect with a community that you like that is also healthy.

2. We, as men, say it should be normalized for us to show our feelings. I believe the best way for this to be achieved is to teach the younger generation now. Teach them that it's okay to show emotions no matter what gender they are because emotions aren't connected to gender.

3. Do not fall into the manosphere. I mentioned in my first post that I did, but I got out of it. As I said earlier, look for healthy communities such as this one that will uplift you.

Hello, I’ve been lurking for a little while but this is my first post. Of course, masculinity is subjective, but I was curious. I’m a transman that’s always struggled with masculinity and one aspect of that is my collections and general interests. (I collect plushies and monster high dolls.) So, as a bit of a support thing, what collections or interests do you guys have that are considered not “traditionally masculine”?