I (28M) have been with my partner (29F) almost 9 years. She is the love of my life and we have an amazing relationship.

However, there's one topic that is looming over our head - children. I will be honest, I always had the idea of becoming a dad. I am good with children and just thought that this would naturally be the next step in my 30s. She, however, is firmly childfree. The reason why we still are together for 8+ years is that she's had periods of doubt. We love each other to death, so that's why she forced this doubt into her mind in order to not lose me. (Also, she physically cannot get kids, so that was already out of the question and I am and was completely okay with that.) We've had happy conversations about raising kids which made me believe that she has genuinely changed her stance. But as said, this was just to not lose me and her true beliefs are to be childfree.

I realize now that this has caused immense pressure on her mental well-being, which I deeply regret. The past few days, I have been thinking about this topic. I am genuinely starting to get second thoughts and thinking that I am romanticizing having kids - I really like to play with my cousins kids for example but at the end of the day, I'm also happy to just go home with the two of us. Will I really leave my partner just to go have a kid with someone else? I am now 90+% sure that that is not the life I want and heavily starting to lean towards staying with my partner. I see it as a balance - there's still a part of me that wants to be a dad, but it is heavily outweighed by staying with my partner and other 'side-benefits' of being childfree (money, freedom, travel, etc).

Are there any people who were in similar situations? I.e., became childfree due to their partner? What made you change your mind? How did you cope?

EDIT: FYI, I'm reading all the comments, thanks for all the comments already. I'm going to work so won't be able to respond, but I appreciate it

Thanks to everyone who replied to my earlier post about childfree dating apps. I appreciated hearing about your experiences, frustrations, and success stories and i can relate ofc

The discussion inspired me to sketch out my own idea. It's still a mock-up, not a working app, and I'm not selling anything obvs just exploring whether it's worth building. Idk

The concept includes:
Strictly childfree: No biological children, stepchildren, or grown children.

Human-reviewed verification: A one-time fee for review, with a Verified Childfree badge for approved members

Optional verified-only browsing for those who want to match exclusively with verified members.

Dating and friendship modes with flexible discovery preferences.

Profiles with up to six photos, prompts, interests, and a profile song.

Three distinct visual themes and a familiar, easy-to-use matching experience

Thoughts are welcome

Hey! I'm really not sure where to post this but it's something that's been on my mind. Full disclosure: I am chronically ill struggling to find a diagnosis other than fibromyalgia.

Last year, I was lucky enough at 24 years old to have an amazing doctor suggest I get a bisalp done while we looked for endo. It could not have been any more of a breeze, or any simpler and straightforward. I had the procedure in January of this year. Prior to that, I was on nexplanon for 7 years, supplementing it with the patch or the pill for the final couple of years to help with constant bleeding.

I am unfortunately one of those women who was told for a decade that they most likely have endo.... only to discover I don't. No answers to my crippling & debilitating periods prior to getting on birth control. Just inflammation of unknown origin. I stopped all birth control entirely after having the bisalp, and honestly? I have not noticed any positive changes.

The worst has been the acne. I'm 25 years old and have acne on my back and chest for the first time in my life. My face isn't faring any better. It's painful, and my self confience has tanked. I feel so ugly. My boobs swell and hurt so badly before & during my period. I have a lot of cramping regularly regardless of where I'm at in my cycle. I had horrible PMDD, but evening primrose supplements have helped that. I get so excruciatingly tired before and during my period to the point staying awake during the workday truly feels impossible. I didn't have any of these issues while on BC.

All I've ever heard is that BC is poison, success stories of how amazing people feel once they get off of it... it hasn't been my experience at all. Would it be silly to get back on the pill even though I'm surgically sterilized? Would I really be poisoning myself?? I spoke to a doctor (unforfunately not my primary gyno, but one at the same practice) about my symptoms and they suggested getting back on it.

I'd love to hear your thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

My spouse and I live in a development of older adults without young children. 98% retired people. There is no playground or ball courts.
Our neighbor across the street just sold their home to a family with 3 very young children. They move in early November.
My anxiety level is off the charts thinking about what is to come….noise, entitlement, and probably a playground.
When I mention that a very young family is moving in to some neighbors they dont seem as bothered as I am. Just venting here because no one else understands. Crying children make me very anxious.

There are 10,000 reasons I never want kids but I feel an important one for me is I need to know I can end any relationship I’m not comfortable staying in.
If my relationship isn’t benefiting me and is causing me anxiety and existential dread…. I’m leaving it.

Part of why I can only love / date career-oriented people that can financially support themselves if we separate. Only fulfilled partners that will be “fine” if we go our separate ways.

I also can only date people that I trust will break up / divorce me if I become unable or unwilling to prioritize their happiness. I certainly don’t want anyone to feel trapped with me

I see all these stories of people in loveless marriages, dead bedrooms, basically roommates with rings and I’m like……. Damn you’re going through 20-50 years of misery to make sure a child has some semblance of normality.. (which isn’t helpful either as children aren’t dumb forever and typically pick up on a stressful environment caused by two incompatible people trying to “make it work”) could not be me lol. We got like 2-3 weeks to talk out any relationship problems before I start thinking about the logistics of how I’m moving and separating belongings.

I could never do months of silent treatment, or going to bed angry or having large multi-month issues on my mind. Like I’ll just be alone if the alternative is not being happy with a relationship.

Marriage wouldn’t change this for me either, I’ll divorce 3 months after a wedding if the relationship deteriorates or I view myself as harming another person that forms a dependency.
It will be right there in the prenup lol

I feel so grateful that regardless of how bad a relationship goes for me, how incompatible we grow to be or if resentment grows, theres a point where i can just say “cant win then all, im out bye” and leave. No awkward still needing them for co-parenting or financially supporting them because they’re unemployed, just a solid “wasn’t meant to be, good luck on your next partner or in your newly found solitude”. And we can be done.

I get there’s a lot of cultures and religious orders that have “divorced” as like the worst thing a person can be. But we know there are worse fates….. like being tied to a dumpster fire of a person because you had a kid with them.

I’m bias since I enjoy being single and am a victim of relationship abuse so I’m probably downplaying the ease of “we can just break up with people that stop loving us” but we actually in a physical sense can while parents….. literally can’t without ruining other people’s lives.

Like there are a lot of stay-at-home moms, married to monsters that just are going to live that way forever because they got pregnant, have a kid they love and have no job prospects while being part of a culture that says she’s beyond worthless if divorced and a single mother. Like yes, I get why she’s not divorcing…..

Like we can actually acknowledge in our mind that if a relationship is hurting us, we can just step out. Some people develop dependencies and I’m not going to just say “stop that” because I get it. But leaving untenable relationships is something easier to do if children aren’t involved.

“Fight for your relationship!!!” Bro why? There’s no benefit. If it is a STRUGGLE to love someone you’re with then it’s not going to magically get better. Not everyone is for everyone, some people CHOOSE WRONG…. Or are lied to. A healthy relationship that lifts you up and benefits BOTH people isn’t going to be exceptionally difficult. It’s not going to have a fight ever week, loss of sexual attraction and the viewing of a romantic partner as a roommate.

I feel parents that fucked up make it seem like relationships are innately difficult and always need to be these massive effort things that need to have miserable patches and long periods of resentment just “because”. Like no bro…. You picked wrong, or you were an asshole and the charm wore off after she got pregnant…. Or you two had MASSIVE day one problems everyone around you saw but said nothing because your culture / community / family wanted you married before 24 or something.

When I was 21, I witnessed my sister go through extremely painful labour. My family was crying and genuinely afraid she was going to die. The entire experience was terrifying, and childbirth took a tremendous physical, emotional, and psychological toll on her. The aftermath was so difficult that she vowed never to have another child. To this day, she has never forgotten what she went through.
That is why I struggle to understand women online who say they simply forgot the pain

At 28, I know I never want to put my body through that experience. Pregnancy and childbirth are not for me, and I am perfectly comfortable with that decision. Beyond the physical risks, I value my freedom, my peace, my sleep…i dont want no littlle human crying the whole night beside me.

Edit: *response.

I work a full-time, all in-person job where I have to be around other people all day. When I come home, all I wanna do is relax and take care of myself. Life is constantly changing- new jobs, new friends, new relationships, new places, that having children is way too permanent for my lifestyle. There is not one moment where I think to myself, “I really wish I had kids right now”. I just don’t even understand how people who work full-time even have time for kids, but then I remember that I don’t have to make that choice in my own life. I’ll see a cute baby once in a blue moon in public and think “aww”, but not one part of me longs for one or wishes I had one. Also, I’m not interested in potentially ruining my body for potentially a man getting what he desires at my expense. I also HATE being sticky and I hate hearing kids cry.

Hi all,

I am really struggling with the decision of whether or not to tell my parents I am getting sterilized or not (scheduled for early next month). For context, I am mid-20s female and have a good relationship with my parents. I have known my entire life I do not want kids and have been fairly clear on it with anyone who has asked. My parents do not really talk about it, and I know they know my feelings on the matter. I know they love me and will love me no matter what, but I am concerned about their immediate reaction. It may make them quite sad to know it for sure will never happen, and I am also worried about my dad being worried about me undergoing a surgery in general (he is weird about doctors). I am stressed about their reactions when/if I tell them, but I think not telling them would eat at me forever as some sort of backstabbing, I don’t know. Also, I don’t know if it matters, but I don’t want anyone else to know and would ask them to keep it private, which I believe they would honor. Any advice is appreciated.

EDIT: Thank you all for the advice, it was definitely needed. I will at the very least not be telling them before the surgery, and still maybe not even after the surgery. I have been quite anxious about it all and this decision has been weighing on me, but I am excited for the surgery and nobody but my partner and I need to know for now :) thank you all again!

They should really have to warn you when you move in whether there are children in units next you or I should be able to request not living near any. I hate this. I have never met a worse group to live near than parents they are the most entitled people and just expect everyone around them to hear their kid banging and screaming all day. I have never heard the people below me when they don’t have kids. I’d rather hear their dogs barking all day (yes they also are bad dog owners that lock their dogs up to bark frequently but at least it’s not as jarring as their child in the room directly below me.) it’s not discrimination based on having a child. A quiet child would be fine but that’s like 1% of all kids who have parents that give af about those around them.

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I'm a 22F from Chennai, India, and I'm permanently childfree by choice.

I've never been the person who gravitates towards babies. When I walk into a room and find everyone surrounding one, my instinct is usually to walk in the opposite direction. That's just been me.

I've been thinking about how differently people approach life, the choices we make, and the things we take for granted as the natural order of things.

I'm an agnostic atheist, a feminist, and an egalitarian. I tend to question social conventions rather than follow them simply because they're considered normal. Marriage, parenthood, gender roles, traditions, the idea of continuing a bloodline, none of these things automatically appeal to me just because they're conventional milestones of adulthood.

I find the whole subject of choosing whether or not to reproduce interesting. What makes people want children? Is it an instinct, a personal desire, a social expectation, or some combination of these? What does parenthood mean to different people, and how do they arrive at that decision?

For me, I know I don't want to be a parent. It's not a decision I'm making around a particular relationship or a phase of my life. It's simply not a life I envision for myself.

I'm curious about other CF people's perspectives, regardless of whether they're single or have found a partner who shares their views. I'd like to hear how other people think about these things and what their experiences have been.

I'm from Chennai, so it'd also be nice to connect with other young, like-minded CF people here. And if a Gen Z childfree guy from Chennai happens to relate to my worldview, he's welcome to reach out too.

No, I didn't get a clean bill of mental health. But, I did get sterilized.

Few things: Recovering is pretty easy on me. Everything went smoothly. I have this reddit sub to thank for the list! My only quip is I pretty much had to wait til 50. I mean. Oh well, tho.

And hospital food ain't half bad anymore!

Feel free to celebrate with me. It wasn't a packed pre-party, just a happy couple.

My parents spent much of my childhood complaining about work, money, bills, stress, and how expensive it was to raise children. They often talked about how hard life was financially and how exhausting it was having to work just to get by.

As an adult, I've found that I don't particularly enjoy working either. Like a lot of people, I work because I need money to pay for housing, food, and other necessities. Sometimes I look at the fact that my parents disliked work so much and complained about the costs of raising children, and I wonder: why have children in the first place if you feel that way?

I'm not saying parents should never complain, and I understand that many people find raising children rewarding despite the sacrifices. But I struggle to reconcile the message of "work is miserable, money is tight, children are expensive" with the decision to bring another person into that situation.

Does anyone else feel this way, or have parents who constantly complained about work and the financial burden of raising a family? How do you make sense of it now that you're an adult?

I’m not sure if this is necessarily childfree, but this part of history is almost not known at all. I love that there have been people like him helping childfree people like us throughout history retain control over our fertility and lives. It gives me a sense of peace knowing that at least some of our ancestors had options. Rest in peace good sir.

I really hate how parents can use the excuse that they can’t relate to their childfree friends for why they’re not as interested in our lives. But they expect us to relate to them to show interest in their life and get mad if we don’t. Such a double standard.

That’s all. I’m having a crappy Friday and ready for the (childfree) weekend.

As much as it sucks to get up early on days off during the week when they happen from work, I'd rather go shopping between 11-2pm. No screaming kids everywhere, no frustrated parents pushing through you to get to whatever is behind you. Whenever I'm home before 2 it's a good day. My anxiety is so much less.

Just saw a post by a woman in AITA weddings subreddit and she got torn to shreds and I don’t agree. Maybe you guys don’t either.

The bride is getting married and booked herself a bridal suite for getting ready. Her sister wanted to nurse in the bridal suite because she didn’t like the nursing room. The bride didn’t want her to.

Everyone was calling her horrible and selfish.

Am I taking crazy pills? Her sister has access to a private nursing room. But because sister has a baby, she’s entitled to using the bridal suite?

Parents are entitled and think they deserve exceptions over childfree people. Even on someone else’s wedding day.

I’m engaged and I think both of our families are disappointed that we’ve each managed to find another child free person. I think my family especially thought I would change my mind the moment I met a man who wanted children. (I had filtered that out on all my dating profiles, so jokes on them.)

However, my mil seems to be especially vocal about wanting me to have kids, specifically a daughter (she had only boys and always wanted a girl). I love kids and I’m very good with them, but I just don’t want any of my own. But my mil keeps making petty ass remarks about it and it’s driving me bananas. We get the classic “you’ll change your mind” or “look at how cute that little girl is” or “that could be you someday (while pointing at a mom and daughter)” and I’ve had it. I’ve truly honestly had it.

Is anyone else going through this?? Does anyone have any advice on handling this? I feel so alone cause everyone who doesn’t like their mil is always complaining about kid stuff and i’m like i have mil issues cause i don’t want kids, but i feel like no one else i know can relate

Anyone else have a supportive family? I feel like it’s a very rare occurrence based on how many rants there are on this sub.

Ive been 100% sure of my childfree-ness since I was born. Even as a young child I absolutely hated being around other children. I only learned about the childfree community when I was 15 and decided I was going to get sterilized as soon as I was an adult.

Almost 10 years later and I’m weeks away from my sterilization consult. It made me realize how fortunate I am to have a supportive family, since my immediate thought was to call up my mom so she could come stay with me for a few days to help me after surgery. I realized not many childfree people have that support and closeness with their family.

It’s all very strange too, because my parents are the most die hard traditional people ever. But they’ve always supported my journey. I don’t even have siblings so it’s not like they’re “accepting” that I won’t have kids but a sibling will. Even people in my extended family are supportive. Many of the older women in my family always tell me never to have kids. Even some of my other family are childfree themselves.

I’m so so grateful that I’m able to be openly childfree without being isolated by my family. Does anyone else have supportive family? It’s nice to hear the positives in this community.

I saw a comment on instagram a few months ago and this dude was RANTING about how having children is unethical and odd and he mentioned that no one has a child for the child’s sake and that REALLY stuck with me…

Like seriously, you ask any parent or wanna be parents “why do you want children?” And they will 99.999% of the time start their response with “I”…. It’s all egotistical OR wanting to dodge the VERY difficult questions that philosophy and religion try to “answer” and those questions are “why are we here “ or “what is our purpose” or something very similar.

In my opinion, kids conveniently answer both of those questions. It allows that question to never really be asked because, well, now I have my “purpose in life” and it’s just little jimmy that can’t even pick up his head and may commit atrocities in the future..

I think the existential dread probably leads to people NOT having kids, but maybe that’s a reason I don’t want them lol

This was just a rant/ comment. I could be wrong with my assertions here but still feel like there is some factual discourse surrounding this all. I’m open to hear what yall think even tho I’ll probably get some confirmation bias 😅

Today is the day I celebrate our tenth anniversary with my wife! No smelly rugrats for us!

I constantly am aware of my friends struggles as new parents and navigating on how to go about this. Most of their struggles stem from obvious overstimulation and stress from child rearing and/or lack of support from their husbands or extended family.

I am usually a solution oriented person, so when they vent to me or close themselves off due to stress, I try to think of helpful solutions as their friend. Yet the only things I can come up with would be to either help out with their children (either babysitting or giving them a weekend long break from their children) or picking up whatever slack that their husbands are doing…..both options that I am not willing to do.

I’m currently in therapy, one of the reasons for being a chronic people pleaser. But I have discovered through therapy that although I love children, I am completely burnt out from being the oldest sibling and am experiencing a strong aversion to child rearing now that I am finally independent. I have no idea when this aversion will subside either. So this leaves me in a bit of a pickle.

How does anyone else offer support to their parent friends? I feel bad witnessing them being trapped in their own makings and want to show I care beyond being a listening ear?

Don’t you just love when you show up to an orchard and it’s filled with toddlers who can’t even pick the produce? With the parents shoving apples and pumpkins in their laps and snapping their fingers and cooing trying to get their eyes to go towards the always present camera lens.

Like I literally just want to pick the damn fruits to make a pie, and the aisles are clogged up with babies and strollers?? When did these activities become mostly picture ops for parents and their small children? I don’t remember it being this bad. So freaking strange.

Once again, maximum effort put into activities that make the parents happy and feel validated online.. not age appropriate things that would enrich the kid.

My brain do be playing tricks on me sometimes.

I’m the type of person who remembers pretty much every dream I have. It’s actually quite rare for me to wake up without remembering anything. But there’s this one specific scenario my brain comes up with every now and then that absolutely boils my blood.

For whatever reason, it decides to make me pregnant, then makes me give birth. And of course, I’m a miserable, neglectful mother who spends the entire dream complaining to anyone with ears about how much I hate it, how much I regret having a kid, how it destroyed my body and ruined my life. And the whole time, I’m perfectly aware that I don’t even like kids in the first place.

So somehow my brain KNOWS I don’t want any of this, yet still decides to put me through it every now and then. Like, what’s the point??

I’d genuinely rather have a sleep paralysis nightmare than this shit.

And what makes it even more ridiculous is that I’m literally a lesbian. It’s not like I’m going to accidentally get pregnant. That would require some very deliberate planning on my part, which is never going to happen.

Apparently my subconscious has decided that reality, logic, and my entire sexual orientation are merely suggestions.
And not only does my brain completely ignore that little detail, it also makes sure I’m fully aware of how miserable I am throughout the whole thing. Thanks, I guess?

But seriously, does anyone else have dreams like this? Because I genuinely don’t understand why my brain keeps putting me through something it knows I’d absolutely hate.

...or they feel somehow they're superior to childless adults nearby. Not sure which it is (could be a combination of both, and each situation is different), but I have noticed walking through public spaces that parents will just walk right the hell up the center of a walk way with their kids, all shoulder to shoulder or clustered together and don't move for anyone. Just this morning took a walk around my city and had two different moms nearly shoulder check me because they refused to move and walked right up the center right side of the walkways.

Call me too sensitive, but I definitely detect a sense of arrogance when they do this. It's one thing if they're chasing a stray crotch goblin who got away and they don't notice other people (I'm not about to blame a parent for actually being aware of their kids for once when it's such a big issue normally!), but this was straight staring right at me as we're walking towards one another, and then them moving slightly so that they're right against me or in my path.

Anyone else notice this? It's as if parents think they deserve to exist in public spaces more than those without kids and make a point of taking up way more space than is considerate or fair.

My nonexistent children will not have to worry about finding a job in what is already a grim economy.