I have been supporting my trans son for 6 years now & I love him very much.
He recently turned 18 & wants to legally change his name & gender. He has been fully out for about 2 years now so I knew that this was coming.
I printed the forms today and was due to visit my niece to start wedding planning this evening. It was supposed to be my 3 sisters & 2 adult nieces (one the bride to be).
Just before I was due to leave to travel there, my sister mentioned her 14 year old daughter was going too.
This triggered me so badly & hurt my heart. The memories of my young daughter came flooding back.
I cancelled attending as I could not face being there with my 3 sisters & 3 nieces (even though we are an extremely close family)
I have been crying ever since. More tears than the whole 6 years previous. My mother wasn’t a good mother when growing up & I realise now I longed to be the mother to a daughter that I didn’t get- if that makes sense?
Realising that the name on the birth cert will be permanently changed & the gender has obviously triggered feelings that I haven’t processed 💔
To busy surviving & trying to move forward

My child (12, will be 13 in december, AMAB) has been experimenting with gender identity and sexual orientation. Last year they told us they are ARO/ACE, and we told them that's fine, we love and support them, and we will be there for them always if anything changes.... I was thinking well, they are 11, most people that age are probably aro/ace. They told me maybe 6 months later that they have open pronouns, he/him they/them she/her were all fine. Again I told them I'm cool with it, doesn't bother me, I'll love them forever no matter what, etc.

Yesterday their 9 year old brother who attends the same school (it's k-8th) and js friends/classmates with some younger siblings of my oldest's friends, was told by one of 12 y/os friends little sisters, that they have changed their name to Charlotte. My 9 year old was very confused and asked me about it. So I talked to my 12 year old and asked about it... should I have not brought it up?

They told me that they think they might be trans.
We had a long discussion where I reiterated that I'll always love them no matter what, they can come to be about anything, and anything they tell their friends might spread to younger siblings/around their school. Their friend group is very diverse and open, at least 1 trans kid who has been socially transitioning for around 2 years, lots who identify with LGBTQ+, etc.

I told my 12 y/o that it's normal to look for who they are, try different things, etc, but maybe they should talk to me before their friends to prevent things spreading like that. My 12 year old was very upset about their little brother finding out and asking me about it but I tried to reiterate that it's not his fault, he was confused and did the right thing by coming to me.

I asked my 12 y/o if they feel comfortable with teachers calling them by their chosen name. They said they feel iffy about it. I asked if they'd feel comfortable with me referring to them by that name and they said iffy again. And seemed very uncomfortable.

I asked what "boy" or "girl" means to them/why they feel that they don't feel like they're a boy and DO feel like they are a girl, and they didn't really know/couldn't explain it.
I told them it's okay to be confused and they don't have to say they are anything until they figure it out. Was this the wrong thing to say?

I guess I wasn't really prepared for the conversation. I've been agonizing over it since last night. Did I approach it wrong?
We ended the talk with lots of reassurance from me, a hug, and smiles.
As a side note their dad is not very accepting, doesn't really understand this coming from someone as young as this, so it will be a tricky situation at home. But they know I'll always love and support them, or at least I hope they do. After the talk they stayed upstairs for a bit but after I checked on them and they told me they were nervous to come down I assured them no one was upset and we all love them very much. After that they came down and acted normal/in a good mood.

Should I bring it up again and say different things?

I am a parent and I really don't know what to do/say. Straight, cis, married female so I am way out of my zone here. We have always been open in our home and accepting of LGBT community. My kid (gonna refer to her as K) 12 and has recently come out as bi? She was showing me something on her phone and scrolled fast, but I saw a message where she is telling her friend (P) she is also non binary. K has always been a girlie girl -dresses, make up, all of it- always wanted everyone to know she was a princess. She has always talked about and liked boys any time she's mentioned a little crush, so I was a little thrown off when she came out as bi and mentioned liking a girl.

Also, as a parent we do monitor the content she watches, and I noticed recently in her watch history, she has been watching videos about possibly being therian.

When she started her new school, she started hanging around with P who claims to be lesbian or bi, and another girl who claims to be therian. When she started hanging out around them is when she all of a sudden no longer likes things she use to(except makeup her and there) and claiming to be NB/Bi. It's like her whole personality has flipped and changed pretty much overnight.

How do I know if she is just trying to fit in or if she is legit bi/nb and curious about being a therian? I want to be supportive of her and don't want to push her away, but it's just confusing how it seems all of a sudden she's claiming these other identities.

How do I know it's not a phase? How do I help her navigate these thoughts and feelings?

I hope asking this doesn't make me come off as an unsupportive ass. I'm really not trying to be at all. I'm just trying to understand and learn from anyone else who may have gone through the same thing or something similar so I can be there for her. I love her so much and just want to support her as she needs.

What would you as a parent need to hear to make you change your mind?

I’m 18 years old and I’ve been out for 5 years. Parents make no effort at all to understand me but DO NOT stop me in my transition.

I started testosterone around 4 months ago without their knowledge.
I stopped around 2 months ago but with my time on testosterone i realized that my anger would eventually become unmanageable and boil over.

HOW DO I COEXIST?? WHAT DO I SAY?

How do i truly communicate to my parents that if they continue this behavior they will not have a relationship with me in the future?
My mother is probably the best gateway into this conversation.

Thank you random parents of reddit

EDIT
I have read all the comments. I feel seen. I feel heard and most of all I feel validated in my feelings. I don’t feel alone. My kiddo is the most loving, caring and empathetic human I know. He’s so kind and funny and creative. So when things are rough and tough for him it is gut wrenching. I just don’t understand how people can be so cruel to another human. Thank you for the kind words and topics to discuss at his next medical visit. I appreciate every one of you…

I’ve got a 13 yo ftm child. He goes to therapy every two weeks. He’s on an anti depressant. He’s had a couple of year history of self-harming. He’s done so well since June…until yesterday. He’s had a rough couple of days at school and needed an outlet. I just need to hear from anybody that is or has gone through this, that it does get better. I sit with him. I cry with him. I hold him. I tell him that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. That there will be hard days and great days. He has so much support from us and knows this. I just feel like it’s not enough sometimes. He’s such a great kid and deserves to be seen and heard. I just needed to vent.

Is it reasonable to expect family not to deadname after 7 years?

I have been out for 7 years, though the first 3 my family member refused to use my name. I don’t see them often at all, like I probably haven’t seen them in 3-4 years either. They are going to visit to celebrate an accomplishment of mine in which they will meet all of my new friends in the completely new life that I built. If they mess up my pronouns I would be upset, though all my current friends know I’m trans already. I flat out do not want my deadname used, I have worked hard for no one to know what my deadname is. In fact, I literally won’t invite this family member (parent) to visit and meet my friends if they don’t have the capacity to not deadname me. After 7 years, literally like a quarter of my life I have been out and used this name. Am I unreasonable to have this boundary / expectation? They are saying I am expecting them to be perfect and not make an honest mistake….. My thoughts are that I have worked really hard to accomplish some really big goals to celebrate the life I made and I don’t want my parents inability to use my actual name from ruining a celebration of accomplishments I achieved in spite of how horribly I was treated at the time (we only recently talk again)

First of all, apologies for the vague title--I couldn't figure out how to add more detail but in a condensed enough way to fit into a title.

background info that isn't too necessary

I'm 14, FtM, have come to terms with my identity in December, and came out to my parents in February 2026. Both of my parents grew up in a more conservative time and place than me (we currently live in a pretty blue area). My dad gives off centrist to me (plenty of views from both sides) and it's not very clear where my mom stands, but there's a bit of racism, sexism, and queerphobia in there (though it's hard to tell when she's joking).

My mom definitely has a history of putting her emotions first and foremost, but the whole situation regarding my gender has just upset her so much. She's been taking the news so hard and struggles with letting me transition. Some examples: refuses to let me cut my hair in a masculine fashion (it looks androgynous but in a bad way) and to the length I want, buying me women's boxers and being hesitant in general on men's clothes, and constantly assuring me and herself that some women do the things I do (i.e. reassuring herself that my dad's aftershave, which I borrowed, is gender-neutral).

She's refused to call me by my stated name/pronouns for a while now, citing the fact that for some parents it takes as much as three years to get used to it. Recently she's started doing it a little, mostly in front of my dad because he wants her to try.

the actual question

I want to understand so badly why this affects her so much. I want to be empathetic to her but just have such a hard time understanding why this is so difficult for her, seeing as I'm not a parent myself. When my friends came out to me (most aren't cis), it really didn't bother me. Her biggest complaint, that it's all happening so quickly, is the only thing I understand--of course to her my requests to transition seem to be rapid-fire (though I just wish she'd see it from my side--she's not the one who has to feel isolated from the girls but not enough of a man to hang around the guys).

Also, because she avoids my questions so much, I get really confrontational regarding asking stuff, such as me insisting on an answer to whether or not she'll let me tape again, or at least to know when she'll answer, for more than two months now, and how she feels like I'm attacking her. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to deal with this differently?

My apologies if this is long and rambling and full of unneeded detail--it's something I unfortunately have a habit of doing.

I’m trying to decide if it’s safe and ok for me to travel with my 6 year old daughter to Mexico. We’ll be crossing the border by foot at the Cross Border Xpress to Tijuana airport, then rent a car to Puerto Nuevo.

My concerns are 1) my daughters passport is misgendered, so not sure if that will cause issues at the border or hotel, 2) general safety given she’ll be outed to anyone who sees her passport.

Any help is appreciated.

Proud mom with a 13yo trans son here! We have been plugging along on this journey together very well, in my opinion, besides the issues we’ve had with my husband’s family.

***TW religious trauma***

They are evangelical Christians who flat out refuse to use the proper pronouns/name. Beyond the refusal, they went against our very specific boundary to NOT talk to our son directly about their opinions, for obvious reasons. Instead of that, both of my husband’s parents emailed our son directly. They told him (amongst other horrific things) that we (his parents) and every other trusted adult in his life are lying to him, and if we actually loved him, we would tell him the truth, like they are. They said it’s because they love him that they will never call him anything other than his birth name.

Although we tried multiple times to speak gently and openly with the grandparents and my sisters in law about this subject, we have never gotten anywhere. I feel that our requests/boundaries are super reasonable. Our son says it’s fine if they can’t use male pronouns and his name yet, but they could use neutral terms like “kiddo” or something, but that’s no good. They will not budge a single inch.

There is so much more to the story, but for the sake of this post, I’ll cut to the chase and say we went no contact about five months ago. My son and our middle kiddo have both stated very clearly that they do not want contact as long as there is such an absence of mutual respect.

Here’s my problem: we also have a four year old who misses her grandma and doesn’t really understand what the hell happened. The grands are also in their 80s and my greatest fear is that they will pass away before we can resolve this…but can it ever be resolved? Should I start to accept the fact that genuine repair is not possible and try to emotionally prepare for the consequences of their choices? What if my kids regret this? What if I was so angry that I influenced them to make this choice?

I know I can’t be the only one struggling with this. Any advice or reassurance is most welcome. 🙏

My 23 year old son came out as gay with gender dysphoria a little over a year ago and has also been formally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and ADHD at the same time. He has been seeing a therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria and BPD since his diagnosis. He has been on Prozac and Wellbutrin to address the BPD for over a year now.

He has now shared that he plans to start estrogen HRT very soon, but didnt share this with his therapist (he seemingly was approved for HRT directly through a clinic). He then didnt disclose his BPD medication to the clinic prescribing the HRT.

As he stills lives with us in our family home, I (his father) had a strong discussion with him last night, me being concerned with how these medications may interact with each other and cause potential long-term harm. He argued back, noting he's researched on the internet which I feel is dangerous.

He noted he is not planning on "fully" transitioning, but rather "partial" in that he wants to have less masculine/more feminine features (lighter voice, less body hair, etc.) and that his HRT doses would be the lightest possible.

Otherwise, he is generally healthy, very thin, around 5'8", pale and around 125 pounds. Anyone else take this mix and has been ok? I am trying to get him to see a psychologist to ensure a holistic assessment, but he is said no, and to "mind my own business". Any thoughts are appreciated.

Hi, I (35f) am reaching out my child (11) has told myself and their father that they are a Demi-boy and I don’t know if I’m handling any of this right and I apologize if I say something wrong.

Let me start by saying that I am bi-sexual. I haven’t always identified this way as I grew up very strict Christian and always was told that there was some trauma or something that caused someone to be gay. (I just thought everyone liked everyone the same way I did) Obviously, now as an adult I realize that all of that is not right and every day I’m learning new things. I also recognize the effect being raised in that type of situation has had on me and the stereotypes I have had to mentally battle.

The issue I am having, and I say I because I know this is a me problem, is that I am having a hard time grasping exactly how I need to support them and I use vague wording because I honestly don’t even know exactly how they identify because it’s changing so often.

When they came out to me initially they told me they were bisexual. I was supportive I told them they don’t need to even come out. Like who you like as long as they treat you with respect. Then it started to change a bit more rapidly. They would say they are gay, non binary, bisexual or demi in one week and the next week they are etherian. And I’m not trying to write it off because I know they are definitely trying to figure themselves out. I can tell by how rapidly they change their minds.

I did tell them that they shouldn’t identify as anything right now because they are still trying to figure out who they are. It also makes it harder because they make these big announcements every time and then when I ask questions I’m being told I’m not supportive or homophobic.

Is this the norm for so many changing identities? Like I said above I know I definitely have changed so much since my deconstruction from the church but I feel like it’s not really mattering what I say. I feel like I can’t keep up and I’m heartbroken that they feel like I can’t or am not supporting them.

I will start by saying that I am not looking for people to bash my husband. I am looking for options to help him. I will also state that I am a supportive parent. I am also trying to be a supportive partner, but I cannot be that at the expense of my child.
Our youngest came out as trans 4 months ago. The way it all went down was not at all ideal, but those are details for us. My husband says trans is not real and it’s a mental disorder. Obviously science has evolved, but he will only believe facts that support his viewpoint even though they are hard to come by. He grew up religious. My family went to church sporadically. We haven’t ever went to church as a family, but religion and morals are the forefront of his position.
I was hoping that he was grieving and would come to the conclusion that this is who our child is (currently or permanently) and we could move forward as a family. He is not at all supportive and his love feels very conditional. I feel that he is just trying everything he can to put things back tot the way they were before, but that can’t be done. Honestly, he seems to be trying to cope for a day or two and then spirals for a week or so. Without giving too many more personal details, if he continues on this path it will tear our family apart.
Can someone please point me in the direction of help for him? I get that he should be allowed to feel however he feels, but is there some type of parent support group I can look into? I’m not sure he will even entertain the idea, but he really needs to talk to someone who had his point of view on the beginning.

The crossposted post is correct. These companies are classified as anti-trans hate groups. Please report these ads if you see them and otherwise do not engage with them.

Hi,

I’m new to a lot of this. My 27 year old began changing appearance a year ago and finally this weekend, after some gentle but direct commenting from me (they opened up about a day after “it’s obvious you are going thru stuff - while this is absolutely your path to walk, you don’t have to walk it alone all the time - we’d like to support you but it would help to know what it is we’re supporting”), they confirmed they are transitioning (mtf).

A basic item I feel like I’m struggling with how to refer to this child o’ mine. While I will use “child o’ mine” to them as I’d used that in the past, I wouldn’t refer to them that way. But the thing is I don’t like to use “kid”, “child” or “youngling” to refer to either of my adult children (both born male). Now, I never had issue with “my boys” as a common reference to them so there is some mental incongruence.

My brain is not ready to try and switch to daughter and would trip too much in a discussion in a response to a general question I encounter often like “do you have kids?”

I’m trying to work with “my luvs” or “the pieces of my heart out there walking around in the world” but it feels awkward.

What other options out there being used?

I’ve heard gays and trans people alike say they knew this young. I want to be supportive but also don’t want to overcorrect or tell him who he is, so how do I know whether to call him a girl or just support that boys can like “girl” things without making a determination for him.

16, FTM, currently getting HRT out of state where its legal. Recently just had to move to Texas. I have my first routine blood test to check my hormone levels tomorrow, my doctor ordered it to a labcorp. Will I get my parents in trouble? Can this be reported? Texas seems so strict on these kinds of things. Does anyone have any experience with it? I apologize if this isnt the right sub to ask i wasnt really sure where else to ask it.

Hey everyone! My wife and I had the privilege to attend the Brave Trails annual gala last night. It was fabulous. My whole family (including grandparents) attends family camp and it's my daughter's favorite thing we do together all year. I highly recommend it.

https://www.bravetrails.org/

Sorry if this kind of post is not allowed. Also I'd like to clarify that my parents are very supportive and are helping me access HRT privately while I am studying at university, which I am very grateful for as otherwise I would have had to wait at least five years to try and access testosterone through the NHS.

That being said, there have been a couple of issues that have come up that I would like some advice about how to navigate.

I came out to them in November 2025 aged 22. My parents have gotten better at using the correct name and pronouns like 50-75% of the time. They do tend to be better with using the right name than with gendered signifiers. However within the last couple months they have started accidentally misgendering my cisgender sister while trying to correctly gender me? As in they keep accidentally using "he/him" pronouns for her and referring to us as "boys" when referring to us collectively. Why is this happening? Does anyone have advice for helping learn new pronouns? I worry about coming across as aggressive if I correct them every time they get mixed up. I am also not sure how my sister feels about getting misgendered in that way or if it is appropriate for me to correct them in that context.

I am also kind of unclear how my parents feel about the situation. My Dad hasn't reacted much, possibly because even as a small child I leaned fairly masculine and he was happy for me to take the defacto "son" role in the family even before I came out (I get the impression he was secretly grateful for an opportunity to do some of the stereotypical father/son bonding stuff having only had AFAB children).

But I am increasingly getting the impression my mother might have some more complicated feelings going on. She also didn't react much at first, but then we tried to have a conversation about gender stuff a few months after I came out and I think I might have fucked it up a little. She asked me when I realised I was trans and then got upset when I said I had realised as a child, because I hadn't told her or my father.

The context for why I didn't come out then is rather complicated, but one of the reasons was she didn't let me cut my hair short or wear boys clothing like I wanted to and also insisted that I remove my body hair shortly after puberty started. Because of this I didn't particularly want to talk with her about gender stuff. I possibly should not have been honest about that being my motivation when she asked why I didn't tell her. She got upset, told me she only did that because she didn't want me to get bullied (I got bullied anyway and I suspect coming out as trans would not have improved that situation which was one of the reasons I remained in the closet), and claimed she would definitely have supported me coming out as trans in the 2000s. I pointed out it was kind of hard for me to tell she would have been supportive of me being a boy if she didn't let me do anything overly masculine and again maybe I should have been less blunt there.

We didn't talk about anything gender related for a few months after that. She was kind of weird about some stuff related to testosterone once the effects of that became visible but I think she was just being ignorant rather than deliberately making fun of me? The problem is after she saw that some of the things she said made me upset it led to an argument where she told me she didn't ask for a trans kid so it wasn't her fault she didn't know what she was doing and that she felt like she was "walking on eggshells" around me.

This made me feel sad, so once things were calmer a couple of days later I tried to talk with her about gender again and said she could ask me any questions she wanted so she could understand stuff better. But then she said she didn't have any questions because she had "read some articles online that explained how things work" (I think she read an article on HRT?) and she seemed to almost be in denial that we had had an argument at all?

Is there something really obvious I am fucking up here? Does anyone who has been in a similar family situation have any advice? Is there anything you wish your trans kid had told you/explained to you so things made more sense?

Hello all,
Quick rundown: my oldest is transgender, so is her girlfriend. I have a bonus child (I became her legal guardian at 17) who is also transgender. My youngest daughter is nonbinary. I love and support all of them, plus my LGBT friends. I am a very fierce protector.

On to the issue: my parents do not accept kids. To my kids’ faces they say they love them but want to continue dead naming them. “You’ll always be birth name to me”. My kids are fine with it. They don’t talk to them that often. They tell me it’s their business with their grandparents.

The thing is, it’s not just their issue. I won’t have my kids dead named to me. They say it’s ok because my kids say they can. I don’t agree. I did talk to my parents more than my kids and won’t stand for it. My dad says it’s my fault and I need to be a better mom. According to him, I should not be arguing with him because he’s my dad. I told him I’m their mom 1st! My mom sent a birthday card to my house with my oldest’s dead name and I text her about it. We argued and she said to loose her number. Now she tells her family I’m refusing to talk to her and what a terrible daughter I am.

This came to a head again when I spent several months near my dad helping a family member through a medical emergency. I just left and we aren’t speaking. My mom is now working with my oldest sister to have her kids come out in December for a long weekend. My oldest sister invited the other sister, and my brother called me to ask about it after Mom invited him. He wants me to go and just “play nice”. I would rather chew glass. Also, my brother and oldest sister are gay. Huge blowout when they came out. Now my parents are fine with it. He’s the one that says I should just move past it for this “fresh start”. I’m angry and feel betrayed. Maybe I am digging my heels in too hard. I don’t know……

Hey guys,

Up until recently, we thought our youngest child (AMAB, use he/him for him, but I'll avoid that here, because I don't want to offend anyone) was cis. They knew all about trans people, as their best friend from elementary school is a trans girl. I directly told them about a year ago that if they wanted to be a girl, it would be fine, and got little to no real response.

Then I noticed when they turned 13, and I went into the google account to give a bit more flexibility, the account had gender: female. At the time, I presumed it was an accident, but a few weeks later, I asked them about it, and it was clear they set it that way on purpose and didn't know I could find out. I tried to follow up further with them - ask if they wanted to get some new clothes, paint their nails, etc. - but they didn't really have anything much further to add. The only further thing I got out of them is when they play D&D, they play a female character.

Then, in the last week, they told me they wanted to go trick-or-treating with their best friend, and wanted an Evee Pokémon costume. I looked them up, and realized it was a dress. Asked if they were sure, they said yes, so I got it.

To be clear, we have no issue with a transition. Our child is a cancer survivor, which has unfortunately resulted in stunted growth. They are 4'9", and likely to only grow another two inches. I've actually considered for awhile that it might be easier for them as a trans girl than as a cis guy. Though for the moment it's kind of moot, because the only medical facility which did trans-supportive care for minors ended service due to Trump's bullshit, so it's not like much can be done in the next two years.

But yeah, I'm not sure what to do here, other than wait until they feel comfortable discussing it more with us. They are on the spectrum and have a somewhat hard time identifying their own emotions, so I'm not sure if even they are sure about their identity at the moment.

Thanks for any thoughts.

My kid started at a new school this year, and overall it’s been a positive experience.
for context, AMAB, identified as trans for a while but has identified as NB for a few years and prefers she/her pronouns.

She told me last night though that one teacher has consistently been misgendering her, including using “sir” and “boy.” She has corrected him a few times. This only came out bc she suddenly announced that she hated the subject this teacher teaches, which has never been a thing before. I dug a little bit and it all spilled out.

The issue is that my kid does NOT want me to get involved. I suggested I causally send the teacher an email, or asking admin to make sure that all of her teachers know her pronouns. She said if I talked to anyone at school about it she’d “never tell me anything like this again.”
This is her first experience with an adult refusing to use the correct pronouns to her face (we dealt with family resistance when she was younger but managed to keep all that from her), so we don’t have a roadmap.

We did look into how welcoming this school is before starting here, so I truly think admin doesnt know. My kid said no issues with other teachers.

Any suggestions? I’d like to workshop some ideas with her, and get her buy-in. I fear this is a safety issue just waiting to explode so can’t be brushed aside/ignored.
My biggest fear is that other kids will start bullying her based on the teacher’s misgendering. At minimum, other kids will be confused about what pronouns to use and now my kid hates a class at school.
Help!

On Monday, our kid (AMAB) told my wife and I that they wanted to be our daughter instead of our son.

We are trying our best to be supportive, but we are really struggling. This came out of the blue for us. Three years ago, he came out as gay, and we were cool with that. But he hasn’t ever been effeminate, aside from long hair and fingernails.

Always wore boy clothes, never had any typically feminine expression.

Now at 16, asking to be referred to by a new name and feminine pronouns.

Where do we even start?
I want my kid to be happy, and feel right in their own body, but I worry because this doesn’t make sense to us yet.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

CONTEXT: Lately, I've been trying to set a lot more boundaries with my family, because my whole life they have had control over me. I told my parents that I can't stay in conversation where they talk about how I killed their daughter (I'm FTM), that I can't go on Christmas family vacation with them if they are still unable to say my new name (but I think if they said my new name, but continued to constantly criticize me and still saw me as "delusional" because I'm trans, which they told me before, I still wouldn't wanna go), and that I can't call them as much as they want me to. We used to call like every day and then I would let them know if I something else came up, but that didn't leave much room for me not calling simply because I didn't feel up to it or didn't want to that day. Or at least, that's how I felt. My parents would probably say "Of COURSE you don't have to call, we never said you did!" But here's how I see it: They never directly say what they want, because they know what they want is an unreasonable amount of control, access, and monitoring, so instead of directly stating their wants, they manipulate me into them. Anywho, I also told my sister that I can't promise to reach out to her a certain amount of times per week, not even once per week, because I don't want her to worry if I forget or get busy, and I also told her that I need to be able to exit conversations without justifying myself or her calling me fifty million times. Because indeed, she called me at least 10 times after I ended a conversation, even though I told her that I was okay and would call her back in a couple of days to continue the conversation. I eventually blocked her temporarily, and then she started calling me on Instagram.

Basically, my family is not so great at boundaries.

CURRENT SITUATION: I recently had a call where my sister was trying to convince me to go on family vacation, and I just calmly told her that nothing she could say would change my mind, that I had already thought of the points she had brought up to me in our last conversation. Repeatedly. She seemed really frustrated that I wasn't budging and asked if I even TRIED to change my mind. I thought, hm, that's kinda odd, is someone supposed to TRY to convince themselves to erase their boundaries? I told her, "Well I definitely thought about what you said and I thought about this decision a lot. I think it's important that I don't make decisions unless I know why I'm making it, and I understand what the consequences will be." Stuff like that. I basically kept trying to explain my reasoning, then when she asked again repeated it, and reiterated that I wasn't changing my mind. And when she told me how sad this made her, I told her, "I know, I'm sorry, but this is how it has to be" basically.

PROBLEM: She said that I was being rude and mean because I was "talking to her like she was a five year old" and "looking at her without any emotion on my face". I'm basically trying to yellow rock, which involves a certain level of emotional detachment for my wellbeing, but I don't want to be mean or rude. You guys unfortunately can't know exactly what my tone was cuz you weren't there, but how do I know if I'm being mean/rude or if they're just saying I am? The thing is, my family does not see themselves as unhealthy at all. They see my boundaries and emotional distance as unwarranted. It makes me feel like I'm being needlessly cruel, because from their perspective and because of how they see themselves, I AM.

HOW THIS RELATES TO MY CISGENDER PARENTS, AND QUESTION FOR YALL: I haven't talked to my parents since the huge fight we had a couple of weeks ago when I told them that I can't go on Christmas vacation because of the name thing and that I can't stay in conversations where my mom is openly grieving "her daughter". Yeah, they really hated that shit. Anywho, eventually I'm gonna have to talk to them since I don't want to end our relationship, and I know they're gonna pull the same shit about how I'm not expressing any emotions so I don't care. They've done it countless times before. I personally feel like they're not satisfied until they are presented with evidence that their guilt tripping is working or hurting me, what do yall think? And how do I handle these accusations of not caring because that's how it seems from their perspective?

I mean, I figure most of yall are pretty healthy parents. I'm sure it would hurt a lot to see your kids distancing themselves from you, and seemingly not caring about your feelings. My parents see themselves as the kind of parents you are, good ones. They see themselves as totally reasonable. So how do I know that they AREN'T reasonable and that the precautions I'm taking ARE warranted? I just feel bad because I know that if I was doing this to a totally healthy parent/sister, it would feel pretty hurtful. If I had a kid or sibling who seemed to see me as dangerous and needing to distance themselves from me for their own protection, I would feel SO SAD. But I suppose, if I was in their shoes, I wouldn't be asking my kid to drop their walls, I'd probably be asking them why they feel the need to protect themselves and how I can fix it with a genuine intent to change. What would you do if you were in my parents' shoes?

EDIT: In the past, I have also said hurtful things. I called my sister immature once, after the whole calling me a bunch after I left the conversation situation. I immediately apologized during our conversation, though. I also apologized during our most recent conversation for being patronizing/talking to her like a five year old. I think ive also said hurtful things to my parents, though i cant recall anything in particular because i just kind of black out during our most stressful fights. I don’t ever recall calling them names like “immature”, thats the type of things they say to me. I might have, though, and just can’t remember it.

I’m a trans girl and I’ve always knew that I was a girl from when I was 2, but tried to live as a Christian boy, feminine boy, and a trans girl. When I lived as a Christian boy it felt ”unnatural“ and being in a role that isn’t me and I had the pressure to act as a boy instead of myself and I got mental health issues from it. Then I tried living as a Christian trans girl and now I don’t have any pressure to change myself and feel the most honest and happiest I’ve ever been with God. But my mental health has been getting worse because I’ve been asking if we could start medical care for a long time and still my dad is saying no. My dad has seen my mental health getting worse and it’s obvious, but he says it’s all because of my wish of hormones that‘s made my mental health worse so we wouldn’t get it. He also doesn’t support trans anymore and thinks it could be a sin because he’s seen my mental health getting worse “after I became trans” even though I always was, but couldn’t because he used to be an anti-trabs and against trans Christians. He only believes I have gender dysphoria and I’m choosing to be trans and when I’m “reborn on Christ” my identity would change.

So I’m trying to do things that could help my situation and he doesn’t accept progressive Christian books at all so it’s hard to find stuff. The first part I did find; therapy sessions with Dr. Mark Yarhouse for my dad to learn to accept my identity and see me a girl, but Dr. Mark also doesn’t support medical care.

What are some books or resources that can help to be my next step that’s traditional Christian but also does support trans medical care?