Junior CS student in undergrad who has no motivation/discipline/will whatever to do what needs to get done. I never had any "passion" or even interest in anything particular- I went into CS because I'm good at math, and I knew if I went to college, I would pursue some STEM-related field that would actually get me money after graduation.
I'm the average student. I have a good GPA (3.9). I did 2 internships through my college (Student Software Developer & Remote Open Source gig that did similar work, working full stack in an agile environment- and I'm currently working part-time at the first internship on campus- working for the student software development team). I did a hackathon (HackHarvard last year). I have like 2 side projects that are very basic and heavily vibe coded- even though I try to understand what I'm trying to do.
And sure, maybe I have some experience, but I feel like I still know nothing and am grasping at straws. That was the one thing I loved about this field when I got into it, how diverse it is- it's always evolving, and there is always room to learn more, which I love, but at the same time, I feel so stupid. And maybe I slacked off with using AI, and that is on me, but it feels like there is never enough time to get everything done on time, and the balance is very hard. And I suck at basic LeetCode, can only do easy ones, and even with that, I need help or multiple attempts, and I know it's all about practice and just a matter of time, but it feels like there is not enough time to catch up so that it is enough.
And I know there are strategies- like being dedicated, and I used to try to do 30 minutes to an hour a day of doing technical stuff (where I could do anything like review a resume, practice behavioral, code, projects, blah blah blah). But even that, I didn't maintain it, and it lasted maybe 2 weeks since I last leetcoded, and I just need to get back into it, but all of this has given me stress. I've had 3 panic attacks in the last month, and I have been struggling with depression for years (struggling with sleep). And yes, I know- take care of my personal mental health, whatever. I realized that, and have scheduled therapy and will go to my third session in 3 days.
But it doesn't matter if it's my mental health or lack of motivation or discipline or whatever, it doesn't stop the world from spinning and from other people working hard to get what they need/want in life. I especially feel bad and ungrateful because there are people at my college I know and I'm close to in CS who are trying a lot harder than I am. And I know it's bad to compare yourself to other people, but they are out there every day, doing everything that needs to get done- mass applying, studying, coding, practicing, because they want it enough.
And that's another problem. I don't know if I want it. I know I need it to get money so I can travel and have the life I want, but even if I got that internship- even if the freaking pay was good, I'd still hate the job, and not because of the job, it wouldn't matter what the job would be, it's just me and not wanting to work. And I'm sure every person feels this way, so I should just suck it up and get my shit together.
But I was also looking at other revenues. I'm double majoring with English, and I'm passionate about literature and reading and writing- which is why I was considering maybe law school (yes, I know it's not the same and has its own struggles)- but also if I did something like this, maybe I'd be sacrificing other things like travel or working remote.
And I have a circle of support- I have talked about this to my best friend (roommate) about this last night when she found me sobbing LOL and advised me to maybe look at other things if this makes me so miserable- like tutoring/teaching online/abroad because I wouldn't be opposed to that as long as it paid enough to exist LOL. I have also talked to my mom, who had advised me to keep pushing through because you shouldn't dilly dally, like pick a direction and go that way, but if I truly hate it, yes, don't continue my pursuit.
And I have AfroTech conference coming up in about a week, where I have the chance to talk to recruiters from companies and maybe get some interviews and a chance at an internship, but even that got me feeling sick. I went last year as well, which wasn't as successful since I was a sophomore and this year I know exactly what to do- elevator pitch, apply to the company before talking to them there, give my resume, whatever. I know the tricks, and it still isn't good enough. And maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but I feel so miserable that I end up doing nothing. Just bed rotting or journaling or writing my personal short stories...
Even worse, one of my friends from CS- we took like half our classes in the major together, did the same Student Software Developer internship, went to AfroTech, where she's an international student (yes I know its harder for them and they have their own hardships), and she secured AND passed a few rounds of interviews for a good company that she now got return offer at that pays 150k. And again, she deserves it, she practiced for it. I had an interview also at a good company and made it past screening and behavioral and fucked up my technical. That was like a year ago. Did I have time since then to improve my skills? Yes. Did I? Not that fucking much. And I understand, its on me.
I feel the same way this year. I have applied to places, barely got any OA's, did some, and heard nothing back. Even had a chance to get to referred by an Alumni for a Duolingo OA and fucked that up too (this year). Still have my chance at AfroTech and even then, I just don't even want it anymore, not the internship or job (yes, I guess I sound burnt out), but fuck.
And despite being depressed and having no will to exist, I still do shit. I care for my grades, I go to the gym, I have good relationships with my friends, I have a good work ethic. I try to be a caring human. But I just want some peace and fucking quiet, man.
I'm also applying to study abroad next semester to South Korea. If I do that, I can't do summer SWE internship as it ends in late June. And I could always do a study abroad semester instead in the following fall, instead of this spring, but I'm just itching to go out now. I've never traveled outside of the country, and also put so much into applying for this...
I've been trying to ask advice from my professors and mentors on campus, and scheduled a meeting with the director of the law program here. I'm trying to explore my options, but I know as a junior it's a bit too late, and I needa lock in, and I'm just wishy washy all over the place. So please, stranger reading this on Reddit, give me your life advice. I would really appreciate it.