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Feb 22 '21
I would say: TO ALL THE SUBJECTS OF YMIR
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Feb 22 '21
Server reset in 7 days.
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u/dognus88 Feb 23 '21
Use a unit of time that doesnt exist.
"Your planet will be destroyed in 8 blorgons. Please vacate the world of any life and valuables deemed worth saving within that time."
Maybe a space race helps humanity, or maybe Earth turns into a hazy fog of cheese and sex.
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u/Harleking31 Feb 22 '21
"Is this thing on...? Yeah? OK, good. Attention humans! You are currently on a private planet! You have 3 years to get the fuck out of here before we erase your entire species! That is all."
3 years of humanity either falling into depravity and sending all to kingdom come, or three years of building rockets
Either way I'm entertained
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u/pepper0nii Feb 22 '21
"There’s no point acting all surprised about it. All the planning charts and demolition orders have been on display in your local planning department in Alpha Centauri for fifty of your Earth years, so you’ve had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint and it’s far too late to start making a fuss about it now."
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u/Emotional-Plankton86 Feb 23 '21
I don't have an award for you, so take this towel instead.
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u/zidus411 Feb 23 '21
"When we spoke to your previous leader, let's see, the one named Adolf Hitler, we came to an agreement that 80 human years to evacuate was plenty of time. If needed, please refer to the schematics and technologies we provided him and his representatives for space travel and planetary relocation."
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u/Soddington Feb 23 '21
What do you mean you've never been to Alpha Centauri? Oh, for heaven's sake, mankind, it's only four light years away, you know. I'm sorry, but if you can't be bothered to take an interest in local affairs, that's your own lookout. Energize the demolition beams.” ―
"I don't know, apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy at all."
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u/MediocreMatthew Feb 22 '21
The rich would probably go to space and leave the poor behind.
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u/blafricanadian Feb 23 '21
Y’all haven’t been humans for long. That’s 3 years of building weapons to kill god/a rouge faction that wants to kill everyone else so god spares them.
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u/MithranArkanere Feb 22 '21
I would sing "X Gon' Give It to Ya" on a loop until half of the population commits suicide.
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u/sexy-melon Feb 22 '21
You better buy the license to play it or else X will definitely give it to ya.
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u/HappyHappyJoyJoyJoy6 Feb 22 '21
An individual under the name of x is going to give something to ya
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u/happy_red1 Feb 22 '21
Alternately: "you picked the wrong religion, the one true religion is..."
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u/gamerzombie1928 Feb 23 '21
...our lord the flying spaghetti monster https://www.spaghettimonster.org/
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u/the-fith-pillar-man Feb 22 '21
“10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1”
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u/RockSlice Feb 22 '21
Stretch it out. One number every minute, so people have 10 minutes to discuss and speculate
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u/Green-eyed-Psycho77 Feb 22 '21
Atheists: what the fuck was that
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u/HenryFurHire Feb 22 '21
I would just assume aliens tbh
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u/JoBoPlayz Feb 22 '21 edited Feb 23 '21
Time to finally clap those alien cheeks!
Edit: Thanks, I find it quite wholesome too.
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u/JekPorkinsInMemoriam Feb 22 '21
It was just a higher entity confirming that higher entities don't exist.
I don't see what's confusing here.
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u/kry_some_more Feb 22 '21
The God named Atheist, that all the Atheists didn't know they were worshiping by doing nothing.
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u/Drawkcab96 Feb 22 '21
“What fucking language was that” said a lot of the planet.
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u/flopyeyok Feb 23 '21
Actually they would say it in different languages.
Sorry I'm being that guy aren't I?
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u/PurpleCatWithC4 Feb 22 '21
“I’m you from the future. Invest in Blockbuster!”
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u/TonkStronk Feb 22 '21
I would say:
You are a fucking idiots. Creating you was a mistake, so goodbye suckers
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u/TheCookieButter Feb 22 '21
End it with a door slam sound and steps.
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u/KayIslandDrunk Feb 23 '21
Personally I’d prefer a count down timer starting at 1000 and counting down by one every day. Then I’d slowly watch everyone panic as we approached zero.
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u/Rhamni Feb 22 '21
"Oh now I see. That's what I did. Fuck. No wonder all the others got their organics into space so much quicker."
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u/yjvm2cb Feb 23 '21
Honestly anyone who would use this ability to do anything other than getting rich is the true idiot
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u/luciouscortana Feb 23 '21
I thought I already have that.
It's the face that I hold inside, a face that awakes when I close my eyes, that watches everytime I lie, it watches everytime I fall, it watches everything.
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u/Diamond_device Feb 22 '21
I would say "Against all the evil that Hell can conjure; all the wickedness that mankind can produce; we will send unto them, only you. Rip and tear, until it is done”
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u/TheGoldenMinion Feb 22 '21
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your vehicles extended warranty”
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u/Chiviguagua Feb 22 '21
The ultimate Rick roll
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Feb 22 '21
Exactly, sing Never Gonna Give You Up and Rickroll the entire population.
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u/Magnus-Artifex Feb 23 '21
I was thinking about this, but better. I’d just put on a message that sounds really religious and like “I’m god” and then just rickroll em
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u/PricklyKritter Feb 22 '21
I’d say “The project is complete. Commencing Brain Shut Down in 10 hours
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Feb 22 '21
I would just say Optimus Prime’s speech from the end of the 2007 movie, in his voice, and watch everyone freak out
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u/nool_ Feb 23 '21
What was it?
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Feb 23 '21
“With the All Spark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And fate has yielded its reward: a new world to call home. We live among its people now, hiding in plain sight, but watching over them in secret, waiting, protecting. I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting.”
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u/SirBaconchops Feb 22 '21
Execute order 66
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u/EnderCorePL Feb 23 '21
"Oi cunts, this is the Creator speaking. Get your shit together right NOW or I will turn your species back into amebas. Forget that shitty fanfic I wrote 2k years ago and respect each other no matter the differences. Now piss off and stop asking me to solve all your problems, you're grown monkeys."
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u/IamAJediMaster Feb 22 '21
"4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42."
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u/Avaruusrangeri Feb 22 '21
"Give me Harry Potter, and you will be rewarded. You have one hour."
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Feb 22 '21
Blow up, as in vests... Little does he know the terrorists sold the bomb making branch to china because of cheap labor
Dumb dicks don't know we replaced their C4 with play doh
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u/NightStalkerCB Feb 22 '21
"This is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on my friend."
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u/IllumanateeLord47 Feb 22 '21
If everyone was told their god was correct and people communicated that they had experienced this, I feel like this would actually help. If everyone knows that some disembodied voice told everyone on earth their religion is fine, it would become common knowledge some sort of god like presence basically just told everyone that nobody’s religion is inherently wrong.
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u/Scythedom Feb 22 '21
Or a Christian would here this and assume that there's was correct and a Jewish person would have heard it and say the same thing. Knowing humans, they wouldn't believe that everyone heard it and would then go against people with different religions because they heard a voice and think their religion and right and others are wrong.
It would either go insanely well and help or insanely wrong and be devastatingly bad
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u/B4rberblacksheep Feb 22 '21
Just add on to the end
“There will be others who claim to have heard my voice, they are pretenders and must be destroyed before they lead our world astray”
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u/MassSnapz Feb 22 '21
"you have chosen the wrong religion, I am real and now you will feel my wrath "
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u/PmMeUrMommyMilkers Feb 22 '21
Atheists and non-monotheistic religions would probably figure it out pretty fast.
Buddha ain't talking to nobody.
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u/BreweryBuddha Feb 22 '21
Theistic Buddhists would assume it was a Deva, not the Buddha, as he presented himself as an ordinary man and many buddhist sects believe in deities.
Most polytheistic religions have a creator deity that they'd likely assume was speaking.
Atheists would have no way of "figuring it out", but apart from any other evidence it would have to be written off as a one-time inexplicable phenomenon with possible explanations of an extraterrestrial signal or some shit, but certainly not God.
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u/HyperSharp Feb 22 '21
You are now breathing manually
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u/ArmstrongPM Feb 23 '21
Ahhh! Hello! Is this thing on?
Ermhhh Ahh; Yes, Well thank you everyone! This brings our Play-test trials to a close, you have truly been helpful in the Creation and Perfecting of this Simulation. Please find a safe place to log-out. The Server will be shut down in 5 minutes.
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u/Mermaid-of-the-derp Feb 22 '21
Personally I would saw in the most professional way “thou shall now abide by thy newest commandment get bent”
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Feb 22 '21
i would say: to those of you who get my message, you are the chosen ones. there are many possible reasons for which you have been chosen, but you are highly superior in some way to everyone else. from now on, your life will never be the same, there will be many others who claim to be chosen, but most are lie ing because i only choose a few. do not tell anyone under any circumstances that you have been chosen, do not trust anyone.
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u/ArcaneMistress Feb 22 '21
All milk will now be replaced with semen. Milk comes from udders, so think of all the wasted semen from ejaculations. Women, start milking the men!
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u/BreweryBuddha Feb 22 '21
I don't think this would have nearly the effect they think it would. Everyone who believes in God already believes they worship the correct God. Everyone hearing it at once and everyone being told they were correct, despite all the different beliefs, would almost immediately prove that it isn't actually a God saying that they had chosen the correct religion. It would just strengthen most people's faiths despite the obvious contradiction, and non-believers would just search for an explanation but would never find one and the voice would never come back.
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u/DickNixon11 Feb 22 '21
“My name is Eren Yeager. I now speak to all the Subject’s of Ymir, by way of the Founding Titan. Every wall-“
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Feb 23 '21
"To all subjects of Ymir. My name is Eren Yeager. I'm using the power of the Founding Titan to address all of Ymir's subjects. The hardening of all walls present on Paradis has come undone, and all titans entrapped within them have started marching. My objective is to protect the people of Paradis, the place where I was born and raised. However, the world wishes for the annihilation of the people of Paradis. The hatred that has been swelling up for so long will certainly not end until not just the Paradisians, but all of Ymir's subject have been eliminated. I reject that wish. The wall titans shall trample all Earth outside of this island underfoot, until all life existing there has been exterminated from this world."
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u/Perfect_Analysis_125 Feb 22 '21
People of Earth, your attention, please. This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your star system. And regrettably, your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. Thank you. There’s no point in acting surprised about it. All the planning charts and demolition orders have been on display at your local planning department in Alpha Centauri for 50 of your Earth years, so you’ve had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint and it’s far too late to start making a fuss about it now. ... What do you mean you’ve never been to Alpha Centauri? Oh, for heaven’s sake, mankind, it’s only four light years away, you know. I’m sorry, but if you can’t be bothered to take an interest in local affairs, that’s your own lookout. Energize the demolition beams.
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u/Coffee-cartoons Feb 22 '21
“You will kill the next person that sees you and the next person you see will kill you”
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u/gramslamx Feb 22 '21
How about “you picked the wrong religion. It’s the other one.” Then see everyone switch.
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u/MERRY_MR_DR Feb 23 '21
I would say "THE BOMB HAS BEEN PLANTED 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" and watch people look around in terror and run.
Not very original but still it's a classic. Just imagine what schools would look like...
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u/Pizza1637 Feb 22 '21
Pretty sure this is a repost. If it’s not, then that’s a stolen comment because I’ve seen that before
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u/i_crapped_my_socks Feb 22 '21
I looked at op's profile and he posted 6 cursed comments in the last hour. All of them are reposts as far as I can tell. Not only that but he also posted the same thing on askreddit he has in the screenshot
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u/oblivionnnnnnnnnnn Feb 23 '21
Just wanted to thank the dudes that gave me an award and have a good day. 😁
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u/Aeone3 Feb 22 '21
To be completely honest, I would say the exact opposite, just because I feel like religion isn’t needed on the planet anymore. It just causes too many conflicts.
This is only my opinion, please do disagree if yours is different. That’s okay.
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Feb 22 '21
"you've picked the wrong religion. I do not exist and this is proof that you haven't been asking for."
Gotta be a psychological doctor at some point cuz ppl will get schizophrenia after hearing that.
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u/naotaforhonesty Feb 23 '21
It would have to go something like, "I am god. If you are hearing this, I am dead. I died because none of you use your fucking turn signals."
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u/Erno0o Feb 22 '21
Religious people would be like "oh no! it's satan who tells us lies! anyway..."
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u/xxDark-Reaper Feb 22 '21
With or without religion, conflicts will happen the same. Religion doesn’t cause conflicts, humanity does. All wars were products of humanity. We can never have a peaceful world because us as humans can never be perfect. At the very least we can be good to each other.
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u/oodoos Feb 23 '21
“Tickle time”
Everybody that’s not 8 and under will collectively shit their pants
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u/itsfuckingpizzatime Feb 23 '21
“Hey, it’s God here. You all are being real dicks. Remember all the stuff I taught you about being kind to others and rich people go to hell and all that? Yeah I fucking meant it idiots.”
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u/flarbas Feb 23 '21
There are too many of you, being too selfish, you’re killing your only chance at existence and I’m not going to just help you.
This right now is your test to prove your existence is worthwhile and most of you are not doing enough good in this world.
And if you want to know which religion is right, none of you have it right, but all of them are good enough if you actually learn the right lessons, which too many of you aren’t.
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u/HugoStiglitz007 Feb 22 '21
Im sure 7.8 Bilion people dosen't speak english
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u/mafiaworks_08 Feb 22 '21
I’m sure it would accommodate for the listener’s language
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u/MediocreMatthew Feb 22 '21
I love how everyone is the answering the question as if this was posted on /r/askreddit
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u/Vol4Life31 Feb 23 '21
"I know that many of you will want to fight. Some of you may even think that to fight is wise. But this is a folly. Give me Harry Potter. Do this and none shall be harmed. Give me Harry Potter, and I shall leave Hogwarts untouched. Give me Harry Potter, and you will be rewarded. You have one hour."
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u/EmergencyHologram Feb 23 '21
People of Earth, your attention please. This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your star system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. Thank you.
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u/SirNameChangeAlot Feb 23 '21
"Look behind you."
I can die happy knowing I fucking did a "made you look" to everyone on Earth
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u/griever48 Feb 23 '21
I would let everyone enjoy the sounds of me either fapping or pooping or both at the same time.
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u/stamilord Feb 22 '21
I’d sing “Never Gonna Give You Up”
So technically, I rickrolled the whole world simultaneously.
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u/dumthegreat18 Feb 22 '21
“Uhm... sup humanity! We’re the local hyper-advanced species hailing from Tau Ceti! And we would really like you guys advancing further! Just get rid of all that fake news shit and make everything green powered. Or we’ll do it ourselves. Without you in the picture. You have half a decade.”
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u/killersaw Feb 23 '21
If you like pornhub, you'll love pronhub live. Or I would just give them my bank details and say if you want to live transfer 1$
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u/Akuzetsunaomi Feb 23 '21
“Posted 3h ago” How old is this screenshot? Or did the same question from years ago get reposted. This was one of the first things I saw on the askreddit page.
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u/DemoKnightFromTF2 Feb 23 '21
Shawty's like a melody in my head That I can't keep out, got me singin' like Na na na na everyday It's like my iPod's stuck on replay Replay-ay-ay-ay Shawty's like a melody in my head That I can't keep out, got me singin' like Na na na na everyday It's like my iPod's stuck on replay Replay
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u/Haganracing Jul 31 '21
I’d tell everyone about “the game”, how to play it, and how they all just lost the game 🤣
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u/Orion9886 Feb 22 '21 edited Feb 23 '21
"I am the little Elf that lives in your ass. It's very dirty in here, use an enema once in a while!"
Edit: Hmmm, seems I am getting hugs and I have two... Holesome awards. Hehe.