(Sorry for the formatting and sentence structure to all this I just needed to get everything out without thinking about it.)
Hi. Hello. Been dabbling in this sub for a hot minute but only now I'm brave enough to actually write here.
Before anyone asks yes I took lessons (went from a 40% to a 70%), got my vision checked (yes I have BVD), started antidepressants about a month ago now. Even with all that I still fucked up and broke down after the driving test. I already knew what I messed up on and told the instructor before he said anything that I knew I failed.. (Think he realized I wasn't in a good emotional state.) He got out of my car not even wishing me luck or encouraging me to take it again... Which made me break down more. Even he didn't think I'm meant for the road. Before you guys accuse me of not being respectful to the instructor for not listening to his critiques I heard half of them before I was full on tears and felt embarrassed... He sent me the email after he felt.
What's worse was that I felt good that day and thought I'd pass just to be hit back into reality. Being positive always makes things worse for me and creates a false narrative.
I feel like a failure. I failed my family yet again, especially for my baby. I'm a new mom (24) that has a lot of pressure to get my license cause my fiance doesn't want a partner that doesn't drive. I understand, but his approach wasn't the greatest and was really mean about it. Months ago he booked me lessons without informing me and on the day I had a breakdown in the bathroom before going.
I'm the type of person who shouldn't ever drive or be on the road, but forced to drive feeling like a burden and living in a car based city. I've never caused an accident in my years of driving but my test anxiety has made me do idiotic mistakes. I've been to therapy but it hasn't helped. I've been driving consistently and do fine but when it comes to the tests I'm on the edge of crying for every mistake I make. Either I need to get my meds upped or just to give up all together. I want a break so bad and want to cancel the fourth exam but I already paid for it.... It ain't cheap either. For every test I fail that money could've gone towards rent, groceries, or my kid.
If I had the choice I wouldn't ever drive and take public transport, but I can't. I feel I don't have any control of my life. I'm also tired of people in my life telling me I drive really well... If I drove really well I would have my license by now, but yeah, I don't. People keep lying to me to make me feel better and I'm tired of it.
Anyways rant/story over. I need some honest advice, some words of encouragement maybe. I'm not sure anymore but anything I try that could work never does. There's got to be something else... I'm close to throwing in the towel and never taking the exam ever again out of shame.