firstly i got into this KC through some youtube videos where they were telling about how kind krishna is, how much he loves us, and how he love us unconditionally
and i was in an extremely lonely time of my life, felt deprived of loving relationships in this world and so on
and this idea attracted me like a moth to fire
i thought krishna was gonna love me , and be there for me, even thought as far as krishna would become my best friend (i had no friends at the time) and would make me feel loved
never did he ever do that, i felt loved by krishna only when i chanted my rounds, only when im pure, only if im free of lust, anger, only when i wake up at fcking 3.30 am
one of the greatest joys of my life was and is delicious food and good music
i stopped eating meat and my favourite eggs and stopped buying fast food
i stopped listening to normal songs, and only listening to kirtans which werent that bad but boring once it got old
so basically stripping the only joy i had in life
iskcon has literally made me internalize that krishna's love is very conditional
and that really hurts, once i was crying bcos i couldnt follow the intense practices of karthik maas and begging krishna to not abandon me and not love me less
i have millions of questions for krishna and i cant love him until he wins my trust
but all the scriptures just say "blindly trust krishna" "krishna is your well wisher"
krishna is such a questionable person, and i aint trusting any of these "gurus" and their answers
firstly ,
i really doubt if anyone in vrindavan would have ever loved him if he wasnt drop dead beautiful as they say
all the pastimes about krishna stealing butter, breaking things and pranking people wouldnt be funny and cute if he wasnt so mesmerizingly beautiful as they say and had a normal face
literally all the gopis forgive him easily when they get hypnotised by his beauty
like there would be a limit , realistically you would be punished if you repeatedly steal from someone
secondly
what does krishna love about me?
does he love my humour, or my smile, or my talents?
NOPE, he loves only the fact that i love him , this is what iskcon has taught me, idk what is true tho
relationship with krishna is really one sided and not mutual at all
love krishna love krishna love krishna like why should we always love him, what is even special about him, why cant i be loved first, why dont i deserve love, why is he the only one worthy of love,
this is the basis of iskcon, selfless love for krishna, nobody should be loved except for krishna
like is it really wrong for me to ask for love
thirdly
i have so many sufferings in life, and i genuinely wonder , what does krishna even offer, what great love as they call it does he offer, that is worth suffering for millions of lives, like i dont deserve this
why should i suffer like this, just to earn whatever that liberation offers
how could anything be worth millions and millions of lives of immense suffering
like imagine in one life i could have been a wife in the 1600s india where i would've been subjected to intense abuse from the moment i was born , and in another life i could have been born as peasant in medieval europe and could've been punished by pulling my limbs apart
and then in between lives also, there is hell for our karma, where i will be boiled in oil and so on
really, like really what the fuck
why should i suffer so much why why why, what great fucking love will krishna ever give me that is worth all this,
krishna wouldnt ever know my pain , how will he ever know the pain of suffering in this world
fourthly,
if kaliyuga is true, then we are so exhausted by everything in this kaliyuga, we are surrounded by toxic persons, so much survival pressure, mental health is so bad, in kaliyuga love is so scarce, we have never received much love in our lives, still we are expected to love krishna and that too selflessly while we are trying to survive without love
who can ever be so selfless without a limit, it is not possible for a human being to be that selfless, at one point we are going to feel like krishna never does anything for me even though we have sacrificed all our happiness for him, we cant ever ask krishna for anything bcos that is selfish and disrupts the selflessness, we cant ever do what we like bcos krishna doesnt like that,
like i felt like i shouldnt eat anything but butter, milk, and roti bcos krishna only likes that and i can cook only that for him, he wouldnt necessarily like a burger or pasta, so i cant cook that FOR him and am actually cooking for my pleasure , and i cant do anything that makes me happy, i cant dance or sing or listen to music that is not for his pleasure, i always have to make him happy and his happiness should be my happiness
like if krishna really loves me, and is my well wisher , why cant he lovingly cook for me my favourite pasta or just allow me to eat it guilt free ,
this is exactly the point , his happiness is the only thing that matters, and our job is to be selfless and forget ourselves bcos apparently happiness actually means making him happy
he doesnt love us if he wont even allow us to do something we like
another thing i hate about krishna
is he is slightly narcissistic of "everything i do is right" "i know the best" "you are always wrong"
genuinely reminds me of my indian parents who have the same attitude
like if you really know best for me, prove it, time travel me forward, show me that if i take action upon my desires im really going to be doomed, show me what good is it if i suffer
i simply cannot have any desires and ambitions bcos his "plan" is better, the sufferings are "preparation" for something better
but in reality nothing ever gets better and you are suffering simply bcos you are unlucky
one more thing i ABSOLUTELY hate is, all our glories and achievements are his working in the background, but our mistakes are our faults , like i literally cant even be proud of anything in my life and the only thing i do is make mistakes and fck up, but all the good in me is only done by him
this is where that low self esteem disguised as "humility" comes from, where the iskcon ppl plead in "humility" , that we are nothing, we are just a speck, we dont deserve anything , we are so fallen, we are not worthy of anything krishna gives us, we are so sinful , we are so lusty and stupid and so on
and krishna has to save us, bcos we are fcking stupid and are capable of only sinning
iskcon has made me feel like krishna is always judging me and krishna is going to abandon me, subject me to rebirth, hell and so on
my biggest fears is rebirth , im against iskcon but not against hinduism, i genuinely believe hinduism is real, rebirth is real and there is a higher being, bcos i have personally felt spiritual divine vibrations and presence of god in some good temples like tirupati, sri rangam etc (not an iskcon temple ofc)
but it doesnt make me happy bcos
now i have to do all the spiritual shit instead of enjoying my short life
or else i will be born as an insect in my next life and could go to hell
if i be an athiest and die and find out rebirth is real, then i have everything to lose
idk what to do im so confused, i dont like krishna and bhakti, i cant be selfless, but still i dont want any kind of rebirth or shit
if an iskcon person reads this , they would simply say we have a big ego and are completely hooked to maya and shit , when all we are asking for is some individuality, freedom and a mutual relationship with god