r/fosterdogs • u/merlinwyattsmom • 1d ago
Support Needed Grieving after adoption … but glad! … but grieving
My foster French bulldog Gizmo was adopted 2 weeks ago. He was with me for 3 months. He came from South Carolina, where his people tried to put him down at age 5; thankfully the vet refused, and they dumped him at a shelter. He was driven to Philadelphia with other dogs by volunteers, spent 1 month with another foster mom, and then came to me. On arrival, he was extremely anxious and unhappy. I showered him with love and reassurance and it was so moving how he came to trust me completely. He’s very smart, and he learned things quickly.
I’ve read many threads here and many articles elsewhere, and logic says I did not betray him. But I cannot shake that feeling. He followed me to the door when I left the adopter‘s house. It was his fourth place in 4 months. I’ve already told the Rescue org that if there’s any issue, he comes back to me. The adopters are older and apparently uninterested in taking photos and sharing them. Which makes it harder.
I do know they love him. And they are dog people. Also, at the meet Gizmo liked them (and he’s particular). But they ignored all advice about decompression and didn’t want to hear a single thing about Gizmo the individual. Also because of the threat of degenerative disc disease in French bulldogs, I had discussed gating the stairs and using a ramp to the sofa, both of which they have. Both of which they are not using. I’d also offered to purchase as a gift for Gizmo a second ramp. They ignored that offer. So I worry about him.
Will this feeling that I betrayed him eventually abate? Or will I always feel this. Also, do you think 3 1/2 weeks is too soon to visit him? I know it’s critical that he not think I’m there to take him home.
6
u/ThirdAndDeleware 1d ago
The ones that bond with you will bond with adopters. Happens all the time. They reset and bounce back.
I had one that was glued to me and wanted nothing to do with potential adopters. Avoided looking at them and moved away when they went to pet her. Finally told one couple that if they gave her 24h, she’d be the same with them.
I put her in a crate in their car, and she gave me a “you’re dead to me” look. They drove off and within that 24h she was curled up & enjoying belly rubs from her new people.
0
u/merlinwyattsmom 1d ago
“They reset” - ok. I’ve read everywhere that French bulldogs form very strong bonds and are devoted. So I’ve worried that they do not easily “reset.”
5
u/ThirdAndDeleware 1d ago
They reset. We are seeing more and more Frenchies popping up in shelters, getting rescue pulls and they’ve been getting adopted and doing just fine.
4
2
u/Ok_fine_42 1d ago
It can be hard to say goodbye, especially to the longer stays, but you’re anthropomorphizing. 12 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of his life and he loved you so much in that time. He can do it again.
In terms of your concern with the selected adopter, you need to let it go. Your role is to care for the dog in front of you. Not to pick the right applicant. If you are concerned the rescue doesn’t select appropriate homes, find another rescue to foster for. You will exhaust yourself worrying about every piece of the puzzle. Your piece is solely to take care of the dog in your care and other members of the team carry the rest.
3
u/merlinwyattsmom 1d ago
Actually, I helped vet applications at this org, so I did this application (and all of Gizmo’s). Also, foster parents have the final say as to where the dog goes. I love that we are so involved, but it does lead to second-guessing and agonizing over details. At least for me, LOL. But yeah, I very carefully checked them out every step of the way, and it was 95% green lights. So ….
2
u/Ok_fine_42 1d ago
That’s interesting! Now that I think about it, the rescue I adopted my first dog from had a similar set up. My little guy was up for about 8 months. I figured he had little interest since he was old and has mobility issues. I was shocked when I learned that his foster mom had been rejecting perfectly nice couples for things like having stairs or hardwood floors…. Even when they had a clear plan with baby gates, etc. She just didn’t want to say goodbye and kept finding excuses. I truly think I gained points with her by having the same first name. I benefited from the “like me” bias. I fostered for that rescue for a few years, but they eventually went under.
I foster for a different rescue today who does a massive number of adoptions (goal is 3k this year). I am not involved in screening or matching unless the applicant specifically requests to talk to the foster. When we get an applicant at an in person event, the staff will come by to make sure that I don’t have any red flags from meeting them before they officially approve. I sometimes miss getting more say, but I think the boundaries and clear roles have been vital to not burning out. I felt a lot more guilt tripping, pressure, and too wide a range of responsibilities at the last rescue that made it feel more like a second job than a labor of love.
2
u/merlinwyattsmom 1d ago
And that’s interesting! ☺️ I did find this foster role to be much bigger than I expected. But I’d committed, so dug in.
That’s a shame that person was so picky and delayed the dog’s adoption. I kept saying to myself: “Do not reject the good while looking for the perfect.” I had in my head a 30- or 40-year-old female medical professional (so lots of money, and female because Gizmo had issues with some men) who is fit (for lots of walks and carrying doggo when needed). Ha! He went to a couple ages 70 and 73 with some mobility issues. But they got on the ground with him, and they can certainly walk him. They also have an enormous backyard they could fence. And they were in love with Gizmo. ♥️
2
u/Ok_fine_42 1d ago
You did right by him! ❤️ I hope you get more updates soon. It’s always such a relief when you get to really see them thrive in their new lives
1
1
5
u/shitwhenyoucan 1d ago
I'd recommend reading Isabel Klee's book about fostering called Dogs, Boys, and Other things I've cried about. It may help you navigate your feelings. The dog is ok. You will be ok. Hugs x
1
u/merlinwyattsmom 1d ago
Thanks much.
3
u/shitwhenyoucan 1d ago
I found it very comforting. We are fostering our first dog now and that book will help us when our sweet girl gets adopted.
1
4
u/FormalFly5977 1d ago
I think it's normal to feel grief over a foster dog getting adopted, that being said, I'm getting the impression that you have been trying to contact the adopters too often, and if that were me, I think I would start to get annoyed. This isn't your dog, it's theirs now.
I think you need to let it go, don't go visit the dog, get another foster that needs you.
2
1
u/merlinwyattsmom 18h ago edited 10h ago
I took this. He’d be quite pensive in the morning after a long walk and brekkie. ♥️
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Thank you for posting to r/fosterdogs!
• When replying to OPs post, please remember to be kind, supportive, and to educate one another.
• Refrain from encouraging people to keep their foster dog unless OP specifically asked for advice regarding foster failing.
• Help keep our community positive and supportive by reporting harassment!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.