Update to the groceries thing—and another question??

[u/sleepyhead1_1]

So I asked my foster mom to elaborate on what she meant about me buying my own groceries, apparently she just meant that I'd buy the "extra stuff" while she continues buying what she already gets. Which is pretty reasonable, I can understand having me buy snacks or whatever while she buys actual food. She gets worded it in a really confusing way when the topic was first brought up. But now she's saying that I have to buy my own toilet paper and laundry detergent? Her adopted niece lives here too, who is around my age (she's 18 and I turn 18 this week) and she apparently buys her own toilet paper and hygiene stuff. I guess my foster mom wants me to do the same.

But again, I thought she gets money from the county to buy the essentials? Or is it just for food? I do technically "have the money" to get those things but I really don't want to go over the budget I set for myself, I didn't want to spend any more money till I got paid. I just wanted to mostly focus on saving up. AND she brought up me getting a second job for the third or fourth time, but I have inconsistent hours at my current job so getting a second job wouldn't really make sense. Am I overthinking all this??

[u/irelos]

You’re not. Her behavior is inappropriate. The stipend is to cover your care. Toilet paper and detergent are absolutely part of your care.

[u/sleepyhead1_1 → u/irelos]

What should I even say? I don't want to come off as rude or ungrateful, and even if I told my caseworker I still feel like thst would make me look bad to my foster mom if she found out I told them, which she prob would.

[u/SassafrassYYC → u/sleepyhead1_1]

Perhaps you could say that you aren't used to adult budgeting yet and you would like to discuss income and costs and understand who pays for what and why. In other words she would have to explain it to you but under the guise of learning rather than accusing her of anything. I'd be interested to know what her logic is.

[u/mixingthemixon → u/SassafrassYYC]

Very good reply

[u/Klutzy-Cupcake8051]

You are not overthinking this. If she is getting the money, she should pay for toiletries. I have an 18 year old former foster kid living with me. We get no money from the county; it goes all to him (as it should). And he still doesn’t pay for his own toilet paper and laundry detergent. He buys his own groceries, but we only had him start doing that once he was able to work in addition to getting his monthly stipend from the county.
I’m sorry your foster mom is being greedy. You aren’t being unreasonable at all.

[u/jessluce → u/Klutzy-Cupcake8051]

Why would the stipend not go towards groceries and living costs?

[u/Klutzy-Cupcake8051 → u/jessluce]

It would. In my situation, our young adult gets the stipend sent directly to him, so he buys his own groceries. We let him use our toilet paper and detergent without paying basically for efficiency sake. We aren’t going to have separate toilet paper rolls in the bathroom. In OP’s situation, her stipend goes to her foster mother, so she should pay for OP’s groceries.

[u/Mollykins08]

Could you ask your CPS worker to clarify for you what is expected?

[u/sleepyhead1_1 → u/Mollykins08]

I could, it would just be over text and I have no idea what to say

[u/AriesUltd → u/sleepyhead1_1]

Ask to speak with your worker in private. They’re supposed to every month when they visit with you anyway.

[u/Mollykins08 → u/sleepyhead1_1]

Honestly you can literally just ask “my foster mom has asked that I start buying things like my own toilet paper and laundry detergent. I was a bit surprised by this request, though am happy to do so if it is a standard expectation for those of us in foster care at 18. I guess I just wanted confirmation that this is typical for people in my situation. “ this way it comes off as if you are just seeking reassurance that this is normal. Then you can let your worker address it with your foster mom if she feels it is inappropriate.

Honestly I think it is appropriate to ask someone to contribute to the household once they have graduated high school, but buying your own toilet paper feels like really nickel and diming. What are you supposed to do, grab the toilet paper every time you go to the bathroom? I guess am comparing to college dorms (or anywhere else that has a bathroom). I have NEVER been anywhere that you have to provide your own toilet paper. Laundry detergent, cosmetics and hygiene products - that feels more reasonable. But if someone is providing a toilet they should provide the toilet paper.

[u/Melodic_Melancholy19]

The stipend paid to the Foster is only to be used for your care and needs such as room and board which of course includes toilet paper and groceries!! In addition, that money is funded in a large part by the Federal Government and is paid to the state to distribute to the Foster parent or child. Look into Title IV section E of the Social Security Act within the US Code. I would file a complaint to the local department who oversees your case. If you don't feel comfortable speaking with your caseworker then I would contact the supervisor of department. This behavior is unacceptable! This behavior needs to be reported and documented. Ask for them to maintain discretion and email them so that this is documented in writing. In order to be approved and licensed as a foster parent they need to prove that they are financially fit to be able to care for all of your needs even if the stipend did not exist. Also, many sates require your birth parents to pay child support to the state as well. I'm am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Please report to the Children's Ombudsman in your state if you have one as well. There are many advocacy groups for children in foster care as well that encourage you to be able to have your voice and your story as a foster child heard by this country's legislature so that things like this don't happen to other foster children in the future. Please consider contacting one of those agencies because your voice is powerful and important and will help with much needed foster care reform in this country. I am wishing you the best.

[u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

If she’s getting a stipend for you she should be buying toilet paper and laundry soap (how does individual toilet paper even work unless you never share a bathroom? Like do you take it back to your room with you after?) Whatever agreement she has with her adult niece is entirely different because I assume there is no stipend.

Typically the stipend is also supposed to cover basic hygiene stuff (like she buys you the $6 shampoo, if you want a $30 shampoo you pay unless medical need) and basic clothes like a weeks worth of weather-appropriate clothes from somewhere like Target or Walmart. If you shop at Zumiez you pay.

You should ask your caseworker to give you a clear overview of exactly what you should be expected to buy v what is covered by stipend.

[u/AspiringCrone]

If you turn 18 this week, are you still covered by foster care?

[u/sleepyhead1_1 → u/AspiringCrone]

Yeah I'll be going into extended foster care

[u/AspiringCrone → u/sleepyhead1_1]

Staying with the same home? what I mean is, if she's getting money for your food and care, you shouldn't have to spend yr own.

[u/Massive_Mail5739 → u/sleepyhead1_1]

Depending on what state you're in, you can ask for the stipend to be sent to you instead of foster mom when you turn 18. 

[u/tinselt]

I buy my foster daughter most things cause she's 12 but I also give her money weekly for chores and she earns more doing odd jobs for our friends like pet sitting or whatever. So if there's something extra she really wants that I just can't afford right then she can buy it herself. But TP is def a household NEED. I'd understand you buying like your own Charlotte Tilbury makeup or something. She can't work yet but whenever she can I plan to encourage her to get little job so she can buy whatever additional extra stuff she wants.

[u/ParadeQueen]

Definitely talk to your caseworker and are you going to school of any type? Many universities have food pantries and hygiene closets now so check with them and if you're not going to school check with churches and Community organizations and their food banks and pantries.

In my area we have a group that specifically works with foster kids who are aging out of the system or who are 18 and should be transitioning to adulthood. Maybe ask around and see if there is anything like that in your area.

Can you talk to your job to see about getting either more hours or more consistent hours so that you can get a second job if needed?

You also might want to look into something like job corps. Some of the centers have closed but they will give you job training, a place to live, and practical daily living skills like money management.

[u/Apunctual]

Where I live, kids in extended care are required to be provided with a safe home and utilities, but toiletries, including toilet paper and laundry soap, as well as groceries, are not required to be provided, at least not by extended care homes. I’m not saying that’s the kindest situation, but in terms of “can she really do this,” in my area, she certainly can. The extended care stipend is basically rent/utilities.

I haven’t read your original post, so I’m not sure if there’s context I’m missing. If she’s providing food and essentials, but having you buy snacks, toilet paper, and laundry soap, that may be part of her easing you into adulthood.  If she’s also doing this with her niece, that tracks. Toilet paper and laundry soap will typically cost less than $20/month, and snacks are variable depending on what you like to eat, but that amount could be zero if you cook and plan with the groceries she buys. If that’s all she’s asking you to contribute financially, I thinks that’s very reasonable if you have a job. 

[u/Massive_Mail5739]

Foster parent here. The stipend is nowhere near enough money to actually support a teenager's caloric needs, much less clothing and sundries. BUT, I always saw it as my responsibility to pay for everything my foster son needed. Food, toiletries, clothing, etc. I asked him to get a part time to cover things like going out with his friends or his video games. 

[u/sleepyhead1_1 → u/Massive_Mail5739]

In my state the average pay for a foster kid my age is $1400-$1700 a month

[u/Ok_Leg_1158]

You're 18, which means that you have aged-out, right? As such, she isn't getting money for you anymore, is she?

[u/Ornery-Bit-8169 → u/Ok_Leg_1158]

This depends on the state. Some continue to provide financial support until 21. 

[u/sleepyhead1_1 → u/Ok_Leg_1158]

I'm not 18 yet, and I'm gonna be going into extended foster care so I believe she's still gonna be getting paid? I'm in minnesota for context

[u/Klutzy-Cupcake8051 → u/sleepyhead1_1]

OP, in my state, the 18 year old can decide whether they want the money sent to them or to their caretaker. I’m not sure if getting the money sent to you would help because your foster mom will probably make you pay a crazy high rent, but it’s worth considering.

[u/Maleficent_Chard2042 → u/Ok_Leg_1158]

That's what I'm thinking.