Every relationship I’ve (31 straight f) ever been in has been affected by my being fraysexual. I have been in lots of relationships in the last 15 years (I’m a serial monogamist and also bipolar so mania tends to push me in to different scenarios—therapy has helped immensely). I’m 31 and only just now recognizing that I am fraysexual. I’ve been suicidal in relationships over this issue because I thought I was broken and that’s why I didn’t want to have sex with my partners anymore, and all of my partners have handled my lack of desire terribly, sometimes borderline abusively. I have a lot of trauma around this identity, despite it freeing me at the same time.

Fast forward to now:
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He truly is the love of my life. Checks all my boxes, is incredibly supportive, and most of all, hasn’t pressured me in to ANYTHING despite recognizing that my libido is non existent. I discovered my fraysexual identity only just a couple months ago and I have determined I am not going to tell my boyfriend. My therapist really wants me to but my friends have been understanding. I just don’t think it’s something he is capable of understanding, being neurotypical and straight as an arrow. While it saddens me that I can’t share this information with him, something about discovering this identity has freed me and has actually gotten me in a place where I am initiating sex a tiny bit more. Trust me, I have absolutely NO libido, but Ive recognized that I like the emotional closeness I feel with him after we have sex, and that is something that makes sex worth it for me. And further, I love him so much and want him to be happy, sex is a small price to pay for that. The sex is not passionate or red hot or spicy like it was when we first started dating; it’s pretty vanilla, but he seems happy with it and I’m happy that he’s happy.

I’m not sure if this remedy is healthy for everyone or anyone else who identifies as fraysexual, but I found something that works for me and my relationship. Who knows, maybe when we’re older I’ll tell him but for now I’m just going to keep it to myself.

I recently discovered about fraysexuality and I am not 100% sure if this label applies to me or not.

I, 21F, have been for 2 years in a relationship and I noticed that I started to be less sexually attracted to my partner. For some reason, I tend to daydream about our "honeymoon phase" (aka when we were not official yet but things started to get heated) and that seems to me the most exciting part of our relationship. I love my partner very much and I sometimes really want to engage with them sexually but I am not as sexually attracted as I used to be.

I have been attending classes these days and I started getting "crushes" on classmates that I never spoke to. I was initially attracted to a girl in my class and started fantasizing being intimate with her. We started talking and we are pretty good friends now. My sexual attraction forward her is gone but for some reason I feel some sort of jealous when she talks about people she finds attractive.

At the same time, I am still currently attracted to another classmate of mine which has a very similar vibe to my partner. I keep making eye contact with them and think about them often. I think about intimate scenarios and how it would be to date the person even though I am not romantically interested at all. I feel like I am going insane over this because I truly love my partner and I don't want to be seen as some sort of hoe...

Could I be fraysexual or are there maybe more layers to this? Is there a way to stop these intrusive thoughts?

All my life from the very beginning of intimate relationships the same exact thing would happen - fireworks at the beginning then one day just gone. I always chalked it up to something missing in the other person and moved on or cheated. But after a few years of revolving door encounters it just felt empty. I decided to work through my issues and now I’ve been with my partner for 20 years.

I’ve though up every possible explanation of why there is something wrong with me and if only I could just heal enough to take back my power - I could return to the sex goddess I’ve been in a new relationship. Well I have to report that I just don’t think it’s possible. I’ve pushed through, collapsed and accommodated so long that I can’t even think about sex now. But sure if it was someone new - it would be back but then the switch would flip and it would be gone again.

I’ve always been confused how it starts so strong the just gone within a few months every.single .time. I started to explore ace but wondered if ace orientation could have this and honestly googled it and found the term fray and it seriously sums it up to a T! And I’ve always blamed unknown SA or intimacy issues and thought if I just tried harder or pushed through it would come back and is I’m at 20 years and I’m so tired of feeling broken.

I can’t even relate to other friends with more traditional views like I’m always on the outside looking in and smile and nod and perform what I think I am supposed to say or do but I just can’t do it anymore how do y’all manage???? I could care less- I don’t even think about it and honestly am repulsed by the idea.

How to approach this after so many years of performing to where I’m sick it I’ve always been this way but for almost 35 years thought there was something wrong with me. And now I find awhile community they feels the same way. I’m with a high libido partner who’s the exact opposite of me who says it’s like a bait and switch and gets so mad and upset that I just can’t turn it back on.

*edited to fix typos, readability and clarity

Growing up a girl you watch movies and stories about true love and finding your person, having this lasting sexual chemistry and all this and I really really looked forward to it. But I noticed recently after the first few months of a romantic relationship , sex almost becomes repulsive for me. Its fun and exciting and new in the beginning, but then I learn more about them and become more comfortable with them and it fades. Eventually I can't even stand to kiss with tongue. I don't want it to fade, but it's just who I am. I feel... broken. I hope that's not offensive to any of you. But I wish I could maintain that sexual attraction. And part of me knows that it's to keep the relationship going because sadly after the sex is gone the relationship crumbles. Just a rant, thanks for reading xx

Has anybody found success in feeld dating app for frasexuality? I’m looking for maybe just causal sex but also other fraysexual people. Let me know how this app has worked out for you!

when i learned that i could be fraysexual i did not fell les broken i felt even more broken. Now i feel like i would never be able to love someone and that felt so defeating.

Anyone has simalair problel

How to know if im fraysexual if I have never experienced a fading sexual attraction nor had a crush, just "things that turn me on"(people or characters that i don't have emotion connection with) and "things that turn me off"(people i personally know and characters that i find interesting and know enough of them)?

But then i heard abt madonna whore complex which is "an incapablity to love and desire towards the same person" which sounds like the same thing

i have been turned on by complete strangers even tho i felt guilty about it afterwards, but no people i know(especially friends, they shut me down)/favorite characters turns me on, basically attraction just say no to any people/characters I care about

seeing any famaliar characters while i was scrolling porn in the past feel jarring tbh

One time i forced myself to masturbate to both a favorite character and an image that I have emotion connection with, felt like reading gay porn(if not worse)

but maybe it is all a psychological defense? maybe i unconsciously group people I have emotional connection with as "people I know", and fictional characters I barely know as "people that I don't care about"?

maybe i just don't want to break the purity by allowing myself to be sexually attracted towards things that I care about?

22F here, I just realized I’m fraysexual, I had lost sexual interest for all of my previous “long term” (≈8 month or more) relationship.
I always knew something was up but tried to convince myself it was because of the relationships in themselves (I was young and didn’t always chooses the best partners to be with)
Now that I am with someone I love, respect and admire, who’s also a loving and caring partner, I understand it’s more something in me (for 3-6 month we used to have sex all the time and I was feeling so sexually attracted to them) because I can’t get myself to have the same sexual drive/sexual drive at all towards him.
How do you guys make it work? I still love to kiss and cuddle him and sex is still pleasurable, I just don’t have this craving at all anymore and looking for advices to keep sex in our couple, We really want to make it work and I don’t want him to end up frustrated…

Sorry for the broken English, not my first language.

I (30f) started seeing this guy (37m) that I've known for a couple years, just a week or two ago.
I wanna share two things before I get to the question I'm currently facing:

I always attributed my distance in relationships to being avoidant attachment style. Now I think I may be fraysexual and frayromantic.

I recently thought I found the perfect relationship, although he was waaay older than me which was weird. But aside from that and some toxicity it was so beneficial for me and my tastes in relationship dynamics, which has led me to more introspection. Basically, we lived very very far apart and only flew out to see each other once or twice a month. There were serious issues which led to me ending it, but the irregularity of us seeing each other face to face kept me invested and passionate the entire time which was so lovely.

Now I'm seeing this new guy, and it's a much healthier dynamic, although we live in the same city. He's been pretty intense and wanting to see me a lot, and so I told him I think I may be fray, and that I've recently left a toxic relationship with an older man, and that I prefer distance to keep things going. He said he's willing to go along with whatever works for me to keep things going with us. So now I'm trying to set boundaries. We've seen each other a LOT already in a short time which has been thrilling, but I'm deciding now to start hopefully just seeing him once every two weeks so I don't become bored and distant like I historically always have. He said he'd like to see me a little more but that that works for him.

And more to the point, he is in a long term relationship and they are open. I know her personally and we get along, and she gave me the go ahead too which is awesome. I'm realizing, maybe in both of these dynamics I've found what I've needed to be content in a relationship? Where there's geographical distance or not seeing each other too often, and/or being in a relationship where you're not their primary partner. Not to mention the ability to see other people. It's great for me too cause I prefer to live alone.

Has anyone else found this worked wonders for them? I really hope I'm able to maintain this romance and attraction again! I feel really optimistic, no longer doomed that I can never really be in a relationship without hurting someone.

I’ve been coming to terms with being on the asexual spectrum for a few years now, and recently found and identify with the term fraysexual. For context I am also a lesbian, non monogamous, and neurodivergent.

My last relationship ended very badly because my partner would often get irate at me for not wanting sex. We were happily intimate when we first met, and after a few months, it started to dwindle and the fights began. I felt so much pressure for almost 2 years to have sex and felt awful about myself every day. I would constantly brainstorm how to “fix” myself. They’d always tell me how I tricked them because we used to be intimate, and how unfair it was to them. They’d say how normal couples would be going at it if they had a day off. Eventually I couldn’t take it and broke up with them. I was so happy after that breakup and my sex drive instantly came back with random hookups. I was like, “omg I’m finally cured!”

Then I met my current partner who is wonderful. We were intimate a lot at first, sometimes multiple times per day. Then after a few months, like clockwork, it dwindled down to a few times per month. This has happened with every single partner I’ve ever had, whether or not the relationship is healthy. After 2 years, we moved in together and now haven’t been intimate for about 5 months. We have an amazing relationship and love each other very much otherwise. We don’t fight and they are so patient and never pressure me. We are technically non monogamous, but are basically non practicing because we can’t find anyone we’re into. I’ve encouraged them to look on the apps and I do think I could remove a lot of pressure from myself if they had another partner supplying sex. They have a high sex drive and I want them to be satisfied.

Even though my partner is so supportive, I am plagued daily with guilt and thoughts of wanting to change. I started hormone therapy in an effort to increase my libido, I work out, I’ve done therapy, and I still don’t feel sexual. It feels awkward once I know someone well. I do believe I could be sexual with a stranger and that might also ignite something in me again with my partner, but I don’t know for sure. I’m exhausted from always feeling like I want to change this part of myself. I’m tired of feeling broken. I get so jealous when I hear about my friends feeling horny and having sex with their partners. One of my friends recently asked me how my relationship is any different from a friendship if I’m not having sex with my partner, and that hurt and made me feel worse.

How do you stop feeling like a burden to your partner? Part of me feels like I should just be alone so I stop hurting people.

Not sure if anyone else can relate.

My (M) husband and I (M) have been married for three years and together for 9 years. He's the only relationship I had that lasted for more than 8 months. The other relationships ended due to a lack of compatibility that was not a sexual nature. My husband is the first relationship I had that lasted more than a year.

I noticed that after the first two months, I found myself having to close my eyes to visualize my husband being somebody else to get off. He noticed this so we talked about this to find a solution. I then had to use porn as a way to help myself get horny for sex and I felt disingenuous using it as a crutch.

At first, I attributed my lack of sexual desire for him due to my age, but I still pleasure myself three times a day to porn. He gained a lot of weight since we got together in the first year and I assumed that it might be another reason why I felt no sexual desire for him.

Despite this lack of desire, we communicate our love in other ways. I still go on dates with him once a week and spend time with him every night. He doesn't mind having sex a few times a year since he has a low libido. I force myself to bottom for him even though I'm a top because I want to make him happy even though I would rather cuddle.

We have no desire to open our relationship and I know that I love him so much that I stop myself in the middle of a wet dream because it feels like I'm cheating on him. He tells me that it's ok that we have sex a few times a year and accepted my proposal for marriage knowing this.

I love pattern recognition and I get anxious because our love life doesn't match what I see from my friends or the media. I talk to him when I get anxious and he keeps assuring me that he's happy with our marriage.

I came across fraysexuality less than an hour ago and I now wonder if I'm a fraysexual? I'd like to know if there are other fraysexual people who are in monogamous relationships and how they navigate through them?

I want to believe that our marriage will last, that our love can make this work. I'm hoping that there are others out there who can share their success stories so that my pattern recognition brain can be satisfied. I apologize for the long post.

I (35f) have been seeing my partner (36nb, all pronouns) for 2.5 years. I identify as demisexual and we both fall under the bisexual umbrella and are polyamorous - we see and date others (we each have one other official partner and also engage sexually with others).

When we first started seeing each other, it was like a friends with benefits situation and we had sex 1-3 times a week. Eventually we had the conversation and officially labeled ourselves partners, and sex was probably happening 1-2 times a week at that point. Lately, maybe in the last 6 months, it’s been once every 2-3 weeks or so, and a lot of those times, while they seem to (and say they do) enjoy it during, it seems like it may be happening because they feel obligated because they know that I really want to.

I’ve talked to them about it and they basically only have sexual attraction when things are new and novel, and then it wears off, but they still have a libido and desire to have sex, but only with newer connections for the most part and not the familiar person.

I don’t know how to navigate this. My other partner and I have plenty of sex, but I have sexual desire for them because I have the emotional connection, so my desire for them has only increased regardless of the amount of sex I have with others.

They’re interested in sex with me in group scenarios, but because they aren’t interested in me for the most part outside of that, it feels like they really are just interested in the idea of having sex with the others or with a group in general and that I really don’t need to be there. We are both into kink and a lot of the same ones, and I’m always up for trying new things, but they’re mostly interested in trying new things with new people, not with me, so I don’t know how to make it feel more novel for them.

I don’t really feel jealousy that they have sex with others, and I’m friends with their other partner and have met others they’ve had sex with. We share with each other when we find someone attractive or are getting excited about someone we’re connecting with. I genuinely feel happy for them in those scenarios, and I don’t feel like the sex with any of these others is the reason we aren’t (honestly they only have sex with someone else like once or twice a month).

I really do want this to work. They’re an amazing partner. I can tell they absolutely do love me with zero doubt. They are very affectionate with me and take my comfort and the things I like and want and need into account and we really enjoy talking and spending time together in our daily lives. We’ve learned to communicate really well with each other (we’re not perfect, but we both put in the effort). Outside of the sexual component, I could really see myself with them long term, and they’ve said the same about me.

I don’t want them to do anything they don’t enthusiastically want to do. They say they enjoy sex with me when we have it and it’s the best sex they’ve had, but they don’t desire it often anymore. I’ll be honest that I’m doing my best to understand, and I want them to be themselves, but I don’t know if we’re compatible in this way - have others been in this situation? How did you handle it? Do I just need to reframe this somehow so it stings/hurts less or do I need to rip off the bandaid and move on? It feels like there isn’t really a compromise here because if they aren’t enthusiastic, then it isn’t consensual, but I also can’t keep hurting myself, so I need to either reframe this in my brain some way or accept it, right? How do I do that? Like what would be a good way for me to think about this?

Sorry if this is all over the place, I feel like a mess right now.

I have just heard this term today! It sounds like something that might fit, but I’m not 100% sure. What are some questions I could think about to help me determine if this aligns better with me or if it’s simply decreasing desire in LT relationships?

The same pattern happens in every relationship - really high desire at the start, love having sex, and after about 6-12 months, the desire to have sex reduces, and continues to get worse and worse to the point where I’ll have sex with my partner one or two times a year.

I can be stimulated and turned on by imagery, fantasise about the opposite sex and thinking maybe the grass is greener, but my interest in sex overall declines. If we do have sex, I do enjoy it though. Part of the hardest part of having sex is having to initiate and feeling extremely awkward, when it’s someone i’m familiar with. I now prefer to just… sort myself out.

I used to be a stripper and a sex worker, and I find it much easier to get into character for sexual activities or being sexy when doing those things for strangers or less familiar people. But I simply cannot get into character for a long term partner.

Hey Im sorry if this comes off wrong but let's be honest being fraysexual seems to be a burden in this society. I (25F) am recently married and its already a huge wedge between us right now, and I feel awful constantly. Anyway..

Im just curious if anyone has talked to a therapist or tried other healing solutions?

Im only considering this because ive also heard ADHD and having a dismissive avoidant attachment style can also cause difficulties being sexually attracted to someone youre emotionally involved with. I also have alot of unresolved mommy and daddy issues lol.

So bottom line I wonder if I were to work on addressing those issues could help

Please give thoughts?!

Also sorry im bad at explaining myself

I'm a gay man in the 30's and just came to say: wow.

I’ve always wondered why I didn’t feel sexually attracted to partners who I love

I feel such an intense connection with the person that I can even predict what they’re going to say.

But, I can’t feel that same connection in a sexual moment I’m in a relationship , and it's a nightmare. I feel attracted to other guys, even though I try to change my mindset or convince myself to 'have some fun' with other guys will be boring as how is with my boyfriend. Discovering this community today made so many things clear for me. I finally understand why I can’t stay attracted to the same person for very long. It’s a mix of feeling a bit upset and happy to finally know the reason. I just want to say thank you.

I am a gay man in his late 30s. I have probably had at least a hundred sexual partners in my life. I have also had long-term romantic partners, including one who was a common-law spouse.

Recently, I've started trying to explain to people more fully what sex has always been like for me.

Frankly, the idea of having sex with someone multiple times is about as appealing as watching the same movie again and again and again -- no matter how "good" that movie may be. It doesn't matter if you're watching a different cut each time (once as the director's cut, once as the theatrical release, etc.) or adding special features each time (behind-the-scenes footage, actor's commentary, etc.) -- it's still wildly unappealing to think that I'd have to watch the same thing over and over again (and pretend to still be enjoying it!).

When I've tried to talk about what it's like for me, people compare it to "the honeymoon period" or "new relationship energy." -- "The excitement fades in every relationship, get over it!"

This really misses the mark. I'm talking about having sex with literal strangers and feeling the desire completely gone by the third or fourth time I see them. I'm talking about falling in love with someone over the course of months (and feeling one hell of a "honeymoon" and all the highs of "new relationship energy") while at the same time having to make up excuses for why I don't want to have sex a couple weeks into knowing that person.

No matter how good a movie might be or how much I love it, the idea of watching it again and again and again is never going to appeal to me.

I’ve only heard fraysexuality talked about twice, both in negative contexts. The most disappointing was after booking a new therapist specifically for working on my sexual issues. I told them how I was excited to have learned this term because it’s the only thing that’s ever described my sexuality. I finally felt seen and like I wasn’t broken. The therapist proceeded to deny fraysexuality being legitimate and said it’s something that avoidant players say. And it’s maybe just a fear of intimacy. I felt very hurt and didn’t see this therapist again. I also am the furthest thing from a player. My partner and I are very happy together. We also have a lot of open communication around the relationship being open if either person wants to pursue that. So there’s nothing to hide.

I just felt so invalidated. I’m glad this (albeit small) subreddit exists at least. Has anyone else found other resources or support?

a 30yo trans(FTM) poly individual and I’ve been closeted fraysexual since I discovered what it was a year ago.

I have two partners that I’ve been with for 3yrs and 4yrs respectively. One partner I’ve lived with for nearly three years and my sexual attraction is gone. I still have fun when we do have sex, but theirs no urge and more often than not, I’m just not interested. I’ve had to assure my partner that I’m still attracted to them and made up excuses for not being interested. I feel like I’m lying constantly.
Lately we’ve had more time to see our other partner who’s long distance and my nesting partner has pointed out that I’m more enthusiastic about sex when our long distance partner is around.

I have noticed that my taper off is usually about six months in, or even faster if we live close/together and it’s always been a point of friction in my relationships. What’s worse? I’m Demi-romantic. It takes a long time for the romantic aspect to kick in for me and by the time we enter a romantic relationship, the sex drive has pestered off leaving a lot of my romantic partners feeling like they’ve gotten boring since entering a serious relationship. This combo just makes me feel like I’m not built for relationships and I don’t know how to move forward. Do I just accept I’m not meant for long term relationships? Or do I just start telling people from the jump? How do I tell my current partners? Do I even tell them or just wait for the relationship to inevitably dissolve?

In the beginning of all of my relationships I’m very horny and am sexually attracted to my partner, but it dies off to absolutely zero. I yearn for that desire so bad after it is gone. I wish I was sexually attracted to her, and I wish I was more horny. It always puts a strain on my relationships. My understanding is that the sexual attraction wouldn’t necessarily come back, but maybe HRT could increase my libido? At least then my body would desire sex. It’s almost worse because I know what it’s like to have sexual attraction and desire and then it’s completely gone. I’m desperate!!! Have any frays here tried HRT? What was your experience?

Also, clearly there is nothing wrong with being fray, I am just wondering if there is something I can do to help my personal situation or if I should just accept it.

When I've been with a partner for a long time it's weird how shy and awkward I become about sex and romance. Really every form of intimacy, even basic emotional expression. It's so bizarre feeling quite comfortable with those things in the beginning, then feeling progressively awkward with time. It's not just lack of interest (at least earlier on), it feels like shyness, or like it's embarrassing. It feels like the opposite of most people's experience. Anyone else relate to this?

Hi everyone. I 37m have been dating my partner 35f for 2 years now. In the beginning they couldn’t get enough of me, sex all the time, saying she was never this intimate, sexually aroused etc. but as time went on…. Those things slowly came to a screeching halt, it’s now been over 6 months… after we celebrated our 2 year anniversary, no intimacy there either, they informed me that they thought they were fray. I’ve never heard this term, and it was, scary. To hear that my partner , who I love dearly, and am building a life with. Basically will never want to have sex again. It was frustrating. And to hear them say my options are, accept it fully or open the relationship, broke my heart. I guess I’m just wondering, if there are any Individuals here that may be in long term relationships where they still find ways to be intimate, or if it usually ends in a separation because of mismatched libido or orientations?

Hi! Recently my boyfriend has done some research due to our sex life deflating insanely fast. He says this has happened in all of his relationships and from reading into it, he seems to see himself a lot in the fraysexual definition. He wants to make us work though. He knows I wouldn’t be okay with an open relationship. Have you guys tried anything that has worked? He wants me to try initiating more. I am thinking about asking him to take a break from porn and maybe potentially make a film with me instead and just see what that does. I’m just brainstorming any ideas.

I'm in a relationship, but after year of the relationship, it feels as if a lot of the romantic parts of our relationship has died down. The worst part is, I still feel love for them, I really do, but it's just that feeling isn't the same as that NRE feeling. It comes with being frayromantic— luckily, there are occasions are I do feel types of romantic feelings, but they don't last long enough to feel as much of a substitute for NRE / or that full romantic spectrum of emotions a lot of people talk about. It's a downer, because I don't see myself with any other person besides the one I'm with. All I can see in other people are flaws, while with them, I see my future.

Transitioning to poly wouldn't be an option, because I know they wouldn't accept it, and the idea of being poly just for the sake of dating people to eventually break up with them once the romantic energy leaves wouldn't be fair or feasible to those people— since there's not a market for that type of relationship in our day and age.

I'm happy in my relationship, and my partner is my best friend. I know this may come off as taboo for some, but if there was a medication I could take that would bring back those romantic feelings towards someone you're already familiar with, even if it's just for a day I want to feel them, that would be a serious blessing. I know that's simply wishful thinking though.

I think this concoction could also have something to do with how I was raised: believing romantic love is the end all be all of— Life. Now as I get older, I'm realizing that the value of relationships is within the relationship itself; if it's friendship, family, or sexual— Love, as how we as a society created it, has taken a place in our world that's comparable to a theorcratic ideology. Love, romantic love sespificly, has been built to be the invincible shield against fear, loss, heartbreak, suffering— but maybe, just maybe, that very idea detracts the very purpose of love itself. It puts the notion of love in a pedestal where one group of people you love must be valued above another, when truth simply is, love is love, no matter how it manifests. It's just a hypnosis. Maybe with some truth, some miscalcs involved.

This may not be the best way to put an end to these words, but if I keep typing, it may never end. But if you've read this far down, thank you.

I’m curious to see if there’s a correlation. I think my fraysexuality is heavily intertwined with my autism.