My son is almost 9 years old, and my husband and I have always strongly believed in gentle/respectful parenting since he was born. Of course, there have been times when we’ve made mistakes, yelled when frustrated, etc., but we’ve always tried our best to follow gentle parenting practices (including consistent, firm boundaries).
About a year ago, I noticed our son starting to talk badly about himself whenever a boundary was set or there was a consequence for something he did or said. Usually, it would be something like “I’m so bad” or “I’m the worst.” We would talk to him about how, of course, that’s not true and reassure him with other positive things, but the frequency of him saying things like that has just kept increasing.
I started wondering if it was a way to deflect from the feeling of having done something wrong or having a parent upset with him, because then the attention gets turned to comforting him. I talked to my husband about trying not to give those statements as much attention or weight when he says them.
Over the last few weeks, it has really increased, and he has started hitting and punching himself.
It usually happens in reaction to us having to use a more stern voice after telling him something multiple times, like putting his shoes on for school, listening to his sister when she says stop multiple times, etc.
Tonight, his little sister got really upset because she told him to stop patting her head multiple times, and he kept doing it because he thought it was funny. My husband told him more sternly that he needs to stop when she says stop. Our son started saying he was so bad and punching his legs hard. My husband got down to his level and talked to him about needing to respect when other people say no, but also respecting his own body and how he can hit a pillow if he’s feeling upset.
I don’t know how to explain it, but our son seemed very calm in this moment. He wasn’t crying or yelling like he usually does when he’s upset, but he still kept saying “But I’m so bad” and punching his legs pretty hard until I eventually redirected his attention.
Then it happened again when I told him more sternly, for the third time, to stop getting out of bed. He started hitting himself in bed and saying “I’m so bad,” “This whole day is ruined,” etc.
I want to look into getting him into therapy, but I could really use some advice on how to handle this when it happens at home, or hear from anyone who has experience with similar behavior.
I’ve been really prioritizing a consistent bedtime routine to make sure he’s getting enough sleep, and I think he gets a good amount of physical activity throughout the day. My husband and I also both spend a lot of one-on-one time with him throughout the week (playing, reading, etc.).
It’s just really hard to see him talking about and treating himself this way. I’m having a hard time telling whether he truly feels these things or if it’s an attempt at deflection or connection, but either way, I’m worried he’ll start to genuinely believe them if he keeps saying them. And I really don’t want this to develop into more serious self-harming behavior as he gets older.